Crazy Little Thing Called Love

A little background info: These letters are from an online relationship I had with a guy I met in a sex chat room in late '01. The relationship began as a friendship, progressed sexually after a few month, then drifted back and forth between the two. We were together on and off for the last two and a half years and talked on the phone almost every day. Although distance separated us, we formed a strong bond that I don't think either one of us could quite explain. We're definitely kindred spirits. We tried being apart a few times, but something always drew us back together. Like any relationship, we had our ups and downs, but above everything else, our friendship was the thing that sustained over the years. While recently ending our online relationship, we decided that the friendship was definitely something worth keeping.

Some parts have been edited to protect privacy.

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16 FEB 02

Hi sweetheart.

I was thinking about last night and I don't think I explained things to you too well. I would never want to disappoint and/or hurt you in any way. When I said I had promised myself that I would never get attached to someone in the chat because I thought it was too much trouble to deal with, I meant it. UNTIL, until I met you.

You have completely made me re~think my whole theory about that. It does scare me a little that I can be so giving with you already. But I WANT to be that way with you. I find myself thinking about you all the time now! Just wondering what you are doing during the day, how you are, how your day is going, and will I get to hear your voice later that night. Yes, I have become very attached to hearing your voice. Crazy, right?

I think you are a wonderful person. You are kind, honest, caring, sweet, respectful and that sense of humor! How could I NOT like you? I feel very comfortable with you and I have always found it easy to talk to you. Even when I've had to fight for your attention sometimes. Those ladies can be tough sometimes when it comes to you!

I like the way you make me feel. I can say I love it even. You are so very sweet. I'm sure you are a bad ass on some level (~laffin~), but there is so much more to you. You're a great guy!

And yes, I imagine you nekkid. I imagine what you look like in the shower at the gym, how you look when you are pleasuring yourself thinking about me and just what your nekkid body looks like in general. I'm sure you have a beautiful body. Very sexy I bet. ~imagining and smiling~ LOL Yes, you do turn me on very much. You get me very wet especially when I'm talking to you. You should see what is happening on my end! ~rub, rub, rub~

I think about how your face lights up when you smile, wondering what it would be like to look into your beautiful eyes, what your lips would feel like against mine and what it would be like to be in your arms. I also think about how your lips would feel against my skin, how your hands, mouth, fingers, tongue, body, breath, cock and every part of you would feel against me. Is that bad?

I have been thinking about the first time I kissed you. Do you remember when it was?

I feel honored that you want to be with me. It's very nice to be desired. I don't want you to feel or think that I am ungrateful in ANY way at all. I feel very lucky! Okay, I will let you go. I have dropped so much on you. I just wanted to let you know....

~Beso~

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18 MAR 02

Sweetheart!

I'm on the plane. I have about a half hour before we touch down in San Juan. I hope your day went well. I miss you already!

Do I complicate your life? It never was my intention to do that to you. Then again it was never my intention to fall for you either. I'm going to get long winded, but I think you should know. It's easier to tell you when you're not on the other end of the phone telling me to stop!

I told you last night that you are different. That is a good thing. You're the only person that I trust to give my heart to without reservations. I have always felt that I can trust whatever you tell me. Even from the first day I met you. There is just something about you.

Now, I still feel that it's sometimes unfair for you to waste your affections on me. Why should I accept your love when you never even know if you will ever see me in person? Should I tell you that I love you even though I am with someone else? Does that make me selfish?

I do love you. There are no in~betweens with you. I feel all or nothing. No middles. I can feel things so easily for you. That scares me. It probably shouldn't, but it does.

Like I told you, it blows my mind that out of all the women there, you would choose to be with me. You're a popular guy. Everyone loves you especially the ladies, but you only want to be with me. Do you know how special that makes me feel? Do you? This is why I will only be with you. I have no desire for anyone else. You're my one and only. (Sneaking it in again: Sorry about last night. Okay, forgotten!)

Is there nothing wrong with me telling you that I dream about what it would be like to see you in person? Maybe I put too much emphasis on the what ifs? I just don't want you to be disappointed in any way. And you tell me not to worry about you, but that's like telling me not to think about you. You have feelings and I don't want to hurt them. I think about you all the time ~ wondering what you're doing during the day or I'll see something that reminds me of you or I'll hear a song on the radio and it makes me think of you and that makes me smile.

Have I told you how much it means to me that you call me all the time? That you take the time out of your busy day to talk to me.

Maybe things would be different if I were one of those people who liked cheating on their significant other. If someone wants to be with you and willing to be with only you, why shouldn't you do the same? Plus, I wouldn't ever want to be on the receiving end of someone's hurt, so I make sure I never do that myself. That doesn't stop me from thinking about you and wondering what it would be like to be with you, near you and to see your face, but it does stop me from physically being with you.

And for that I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I know you're realistic about us, but I can't help but to worry sometimes. I worry about how I make you feel and should I stop telling you how I feel, but it makes me happy that I can make you happy.

Am I thinking too much about this? My head is swimming a little right now, so I'll let you go. I will email you again later when I get on the ground.

I love you....

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03 MAR 03

Sweetheart ~

I know you didn't care too much yesterday when I told you about the chatter who passed away because you didn't know him, but it made me think of you right away when I heard about it. While I didn't know him personally, his passing still filled me with sadness because of the loss. Instantly, I thought of you. Why you may ask? He was in a car accident.

It made me think of how much time you spend on the road. And low and behold when I called you last night, you were in the car, on your way home. It made me think of all the times I'd talked to you on Thursday nights and I always made sure I told you to drive safely on Fridays, all the times I had talked to you on your way to Baltimore on Monday nights. It made me think about how you spend more time on the road than you do at home. It made me think at that very moment when I heard, how I would feel if I never got a chance to speak to you ever again.

I told you last night that I called to tell you I love you. I wanted you to know that I do. I'm sure you know I do, but I felt that I should tell you, that I needed you to hear the words come from my mouth, in my voice. It may sound strange that it is chat and all and being that I've never met you before, but it's amazing that something like this could easily bring you to my mind. I needed to hear that you were okay.

I've always told you, I had one rule about that room that I would never get attached to anyone there because I know how I am. I fell hard for you. We've been through lots of love, pain and probably everything in between.

To this day, I still care a great deal about you. I consider you to be a very close friend. I will never let anyone tell me that it's not possible to feel things for someone that's not near you. I know it's possible.

If we never meet face to face, please know that you are very special to me and you will always hold a place in my heart. And while I don't get to see you much anymore, I miss you and I think of you often, which makes me smile. I love you, Sweetheart.

Take care of yourself and be safe!

~Softest of Kisses and Tightest of Hugs~ mi amor….

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23 JUN 03

Sweetheart ~

I'm sure you can figure out there is something wrong with me. It's not really wrong, so much as something is bothering me. The other day my feelings were hurt and I was upset all day. I was still upset when I saw you that night. It's hard for me to talk when I don't have a clear head. It makes me too emotional and I end up saying and doing things that I probably shouldn't. I've been thinking a lot about it the last few days. It's going to get long, but please listen to everything I'm going to say.

I love you very much. I really do and it's not possible for me to be with you without getting my heart involved. I just can't do it. As much as I try, it never works. There never seems to be a middle, it's all or nothing at all. I really hope that you would have enough respect for me not to fuck with my head. It would break my heart if you did that to me. It really, really would. I would understand if I were being a complete bitch to you, but I'm not. I think that I am very good to you always.

And what hurt my feelings that day? I was talking to a mutual friend on an IM and she said you were hitting on her. I know the tone of things can be off sometimes, but it really hurt my feelings. She doesn't know, but it upset me.

Then, she was talking to another mutual friend later on the phone and friend #1 told friend #2 the same thing. Friend #2 asked me if I was okay. Friend #2 knows me best, only second to you and I didn't have to tell her I wasn't. She already knew. I'm sure you knew something was wrong with me too when I talked to you that night. I know you love me. I have never doubted that, ever. And I love you. I always have and I always will. I can't get you out of my head.

I don't know if it was bad timing or what. I had a secret admirer and you have a sudden interest in me again. But, I would hope that you would want to be with me because you really want to be and not because you're just protecting your investment.

I know you have lots of things to deal with in your real life and this little relationship means nothing compared. Believe me, I feel silly for even saying anything, but I don't like having my feelings hurt. I won't place any demands on you. I never have and I never will. The only thing I expect is that you respect anything between us.

Maybe we're just not good at being in a relationship. It's possible for us to be together you know and not have the title. The title seems to ruin everything for us. It really does seem that we suddenly become a married couple. Things were good the last time we were together, no pressure, just go with the flow, but no relationship.

And you know, things like this really make me think of our friendship. I would really miss our friendship. I missed it a lot when it was gone. I really did.

I used to wonder if our friendship would be able to survive without the sex and it most certainly has. I think we are closer than we have ever been and this is with six months of no sex. Don't get me wrong, the sex was always great and I know at the drop of a hat it could be resumed, but I cherish the closeness that we have between us. I love talking to you. You make me smile and laugh and I love spending time with you.

Thanks for getting back to me pronto when I sent the mail before this one. Yes, I know I can talk to you about anything and here I am. I know it seems impersonal to say all this with an email, but I can't get through this without crying. Talk to you soon.

I love you, Amor. ~Kisses~

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17 JUL 03

Mi Amor ~

I hope you didn't think I was making light of the talk we had last night. I wasn't. We'll have to talk about thing some more. It really does mean a lot to me that you would even think to share your feelings with me. I know when we first became a couple, you said it's hard for you to express yourself and the fact that you did, really warms my heart.

I do love you. Yes, really. I always have and I probably always will no matter what. Scary, huh? lol I also know you're a popular guy. You always have been. I told you when I first met you, I had to fight really hard sometimes for your attention amongst the other women there. And not to sound vain or self centered, but almost two years later, I don't think I should have to fight for your attention. I won't do it.

I don't worry because I know where your heart lies and you know where my heart lies. I think that's the thing that binds us together. I believe that you can't force anyone to be with you and if their heart is there, they will always be there without fail. That is us.

I think the thing that intrigues everyone the most about us is, they get the sense that there is a bond between us. Hell, I can't even explain it myself! I just feel really comfortable with you and it feels right. I think we just give off the vibe that we belong together. We tell people that we love each other and we're really close and we're great friends, but never anything more than that. Whenever they ask, we don't confirm nor deny that we are or aren't together. That's what drives them even more to find out. I think we present a great unified front. lol

I've always loved that about you. I'm a very private person and I like things to be kept that way. I don't know if you ever felt that I didn't want to tell anyone we were together and it was never that at all. I was VERY happy to be with you, but I know how people work in that room and those very same people ultimately became our downfall at one point. Just goes to show them, that regardless, we've still managed to stay very close.

I love that it's always understood that we have our real lives and neither one of us is going to be tied to a computer for the other. We are realistic. We respect each other's space and time.

This has turned into a novel already. Sheesh! I love you very much. My heart belongs to you. Why? I dunno, it just does. I can't get you out of my head.

I should stop now. I know you've probably reached the point of, "Holy fuck, woman!" and not in a good way either!

I shall talk to you soon. I miss you like ca~razy.

mi amor siempre....

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25 JUL 03

Amor ~

Whenever something happens in your real life, you always push me away. It makes me a little sad, but there's nothing I can do about it. You have to do what's best for you to heal yourself and make your spirits better.

I'm not going to be a bitch about this because it's not about me. I know sometimes the most irritating thing in the world is having someone constantly asking if you are okay when clearly you are not.

I think about you, worry about you and wonder if you are okay all the time. I do miss you a lot and I hope you are feeling better soon.

So, like always I'll bide my time and hope it doesn't last long. I'm giving you all the time and space you need. I'll be here when you get back.

I love you. ~Hugs & Kisses~

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24 FEB 04

Sweetheart ~

This is going to be a long one, so please bear with me. I have a lot to say and/or explain.

I never want you to think that I'm pissed, upset or hurt that you are with someone in real life. God, I'm ecstatic! That didn't sound right, did it? ~laffin~ I'm ecstatic that you are with someone in real life because you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have someone love you. You are an incredible person with so much to offer.

I've had a million things running through my head lately and it's not like I have anyone I can talk to about this. We talked almost every day for the last 3 months, then nothing. We hadn't talked in three weeks before the other night. The thing that hurt me was you just stopped talking to me without an explanation. If you'd just told me, I would have understood. I know what it's like to be in a new relationship with someone that you totally absolutely dig.

It would have been easier if we weren't close and I could let it go, but I couldn't. I kept playing everything over in my mind and I couldn't find anything wrong. It felt like you just tossed me away without a second thought and that hurt my feelings a lot. Since you didn't call me back, I didn't want to bother you again because it's the way I felt. I think it's the kind of person I am. I don't want to bother you and I would never do anything to effect your real life.

I was thinking is this the way I've always made you feel all this time? And if it is, then I have no right to feel the way I do. You know how guilty I would feel because I thought I was being so unfair to you. When I started dating my current boyfriend, you said something and it made me feel awful. You said, "I'm well aware that I don't fit anywhere into your real life."

I didn't want you to feel that way. I've always been honest with you because how fucking cruel would it be for me to let you get attached to me, then tell you well there's this little boyfriend thing I forgot to mention? Even though you've always tried to ease my mind and reassure me it was okay, you know me. I still felt bad.

I've always thought it was selfish of me to accept your love if I couldn't guarantee you that we would be together in real life. But, I would miss you terribly when we weren't together, if that makes any sense at all.

So, that leaves us to where we are now. You've had three girlfriends since I met you. The first one just kinda slowly disappeared after that whole roommate thingie. You and the second one fought all the fucking time and that was kinda weird. I think she knew how to push your buttons, but she knew how you felt about her and she used it to get her way.

This time is different. I know it is without you having to tell me. I have a really good feeling about your new girlfriend. Am I jealous that she gets to be with you and I don't? Fuck yeah, but that will be for any woman that's not me. And that's not to be weird or anything, it's just for any woman that unlike me, lives in your vicinity. I hope that didn't freak you out.

I never would make you feel guilty about being happy. You've never made me feel that way ever. I know this time with your new girlfriend is different. It's how our relationship started. We were friends first. That meant a lot to me because you were willing to get to know me first. But the difference is: you have everything our relationship has, but it's even better because you get to have it with someone you can see, touch and be with whenever you want. You have someone of your very own.

Being with your new girlfriend is good for you. You're opening your heart and trusting someone again. I've told you this before, I believe there are two types of people in the world: People you love and people you love to fuck. It's really hard to combine the two. But when you find someone that you can combine the two, it's just magical.

I love you so much. I always have and I always will. And that is very easy for me to do because honestly, I've always felt that you loved me back. It's still hard to explain when I really think about it. How do you love someone you've never met in person? How can you have such a bond with someone you've never seen face to face? I can't explain it, but I feel it.