Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I know you would have no problem being with me if we lived closer together. I'm not going to say I don't want you to be with anyone else when I know I don't live close to you. That's just plain stupid. We have the understanding that life goes on. Real life comes first and foremost. Even though, I believe that we have crossed over into real life somewhat. I consider our friendship to be a real one. You're a real person to me and not just a chat person. Again, if that makes any sense.

You know what's the nicest thing you've ever said to me? One night you said, "I don't want you to think that I only call you to dump all my problems on you, which I've been doing a lot of lately it seems. But I know you'll never judge me, no matter what I tell you. You listen to me and let me talk as long as I want. You always seem to know the right things to say. You have a way of calming me down and I feel better after I talk to you. You know, if I didn't have anything and was a bum living on the street, I know you would still treat me the same way." And that made me smile huge because I knew you considered me to be your friend.

The last year we've gotten even closer than usual. I always wondered if our friendship would survive without the sex. It most certainly has. You know I'd never ever complain about the sex, but I love the fact that you think of me as someone you can trust. It meant/means a lot to me that you would even consider sharing big parts of your real life with me, someone you met in a fuck room, someone you've never even seen face to face.

I used to think that it was easier for you to tell a stranger things than it was to tell people whom you were close. But as time went on, I started to realize that you trusted me more and more until I wasn't a stranger anymore. I had become someone that you valued their opinion, a real person, a real friend. I can't begin to tell you how much your friendship means to me. We'd be here all day, but I will tell you that it means the world to me.

When you look back over your life, I hope I will be a positive memory. If you take nothing else from knowing me, I hope I taught you that it's okay for you to be loved for no other reason than being yourself, that you DO deserve to be loved and that it's alright for you to have someone appreciate you. That will make me smile always and forever.

I really don't expect you to be here forever. I know you will end this part of your life at some point. For some reason, I have a feeling it will be really soon. I will miss you some fierce, but as long as you are happy, I'm happy. Just promise me you will tell me before you go, please?

mi amor siempre....

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22 MAR 04

Amor ~

We're different in how we express ourselves. I've always been able to write down my feelings and most times it makes me feel better afterwards. You prefer to talk about your feelings. I'm not saying that one is better than the other because each person is different. As long as the feelings get out, that's all that matters.

Thanks for calling me back especially through all the phone tag. It eased my mind a lot. Sometimes I think I know you better than you know yourself. Strange sounding, but it's true. You can be so passive about things (yes, more than usual) at times and I have to force you to talk to me and make decisions. I know that you're not capable of loving someone without loving them wholeheartedly. There's no middle for you with love. I also know that no matter what, you'd never hurt me intentionally. Even when it's something you know you should do.

Things have been over with us for awhile now. You know it and I know it. I needed to hear you say it. I needed you to cut the cord.

It's like Linus and the blanket, with each of us exchanging places at times. I think we both served a purpose in the the other's life. Who knew we would form such a bond, huh?

I used to tell you all the time, whenever you said you didn't think you deserved to have someone as sweet as me in your life, that people are brought into others lives for a reason. I would never trade my time with you for anything in the world. I'm really glad I got to know you and got to see the inside of your heart. It's a very nice, kind, gentle, caring, loving place to be. ~VBS~

When I first met you, I wasn't entirely happy in my real life relationship. You always made me laugh, you were honest and I loved talking to you. Things got more serious between us and it scared the fuck outta me. How do you feel things so easily for someone you've never met in person? Stranger things have happened, but I found myself falling in love with you.

As much as I tried to fight it, I was losing. You were so sweet and kind. We liked a lot of the same things, the same movies, the same music, we had been to a lot of the same places in the world, we had the same line of thinking (which was scary enough in itself!!), we felt the same way about our families. We could just talk about dumb stuff and be funny together.

You were the first and last guy I ever let get that super close to me from that place. Not to mention the va va vavoom sex. Do you know you were my first phone sex guy? You opened up a whole new sordid world for me.

I've always told you about my one rule for that place. I would never get attached to someone there, mainly because I know how I am. I'm also one of those people who loves wholeheartedly. It's either all or nothing at all for me, with no middle. And that's how I loved you. That terrified me, but it was made somewhat easier because I knew you loved me back. Two things I now know are possible: 1) loving someone you have never met as long as the connection is there and 2) loving two different people at the same time.

You said I prolly have a new chat guy now. I'll never do that again. You've always been the reason I could never be with anyone else there. No one else will be you to me, so why end up hurting someone when I knew it would never work? You're the only person I've ever wanted to be with from there. You owned my heart, the one person I loved, the one person who made me happy, the one person who made me sad, the one person who broke my heart, the one person who put the pieces back together again.

I don't go to chat much anymore because it reminds me of you. You finally cut the cord, so I'll be able to heal. You just get used to things, but all good things really do come to an end. Time to let go of the blanket.

You would never admit it to me that you were hurt when I started dating my current boyfriend. I know you were and I felt awful that I had hurt you. Honestly, I've always loved him. You remind me so much of him. You're Italian with green eyes and dark hair. You love bikes, cars, tattoos, movies, music, your family. You're the Bad Ass with the heart of gold and that sick, twisted sense of humor. You're beautiful and you don't know it, which makes you even sexier. Just MARONE!!!! When I first met you, I thought you were him. You sounded just like him.

I was afraid that things would end if we met in person and had sex. That would be the icing on that cake. Yet, I was also afraid of what real life meant for us. I would have to be the one that moved to be with you. You have entirely too much shit going on there for you to go anywhere. I'd have to leave so much behind to start over again. But, lots of times I wished we lived closer together. You always promised me that you would take really good care of me. I never once doubted that at all. Many times I wondered what it would be like to fall asleep next to you every night and wake up in your arms every morning.

You know, I would feel like I was making excuses as to why I wouldn't meet you. I'm really glad that you are now able to understand all those reasons I gave you. They make complete sense right about now, huh? Being in love makes you have to not only worry about yourself, but also about someone else. You can't be selfish and hurtful because karma is a bitch! Plus, I'd never want to be on the receiving end of that hurt.

You're an incredible person with a HUGE heart of gold. Your heart is so pure. That's my very most favorite thing about you. The more I got to know you as a person, the more I loved every single thing about you. You really are amazing.

A mutual friend and I were talking about you last week because she asked about you. I told her you were happy and in love. She said, "I knew that would happen to him sooner or later. Someone was right under his nose. He's a really nice guy and that's good for him. I always thought you two would make a great couple in real life. He loved you so much and you loved him so much too. Guess it wasn't meant to be, but at least you two made great friends and you meant a lot to each other."

Life just has a way of fucking things up, doesn't it? I'll never regret my time with you. You are one of my very best friends. One of the best ones I've ever had. Your friendship means the world to me and I'll treasure it always.

I don't know how to explain it, but this last time, things were really different. It was so much deeper than what we'd ever had before. I think you were starting to believe that it was okay for you to be loved, that it was okay for you to open your heart, that it was okay to be vulnerable with your feelings.

When I look at you now, you've stopped being so machismo and you've become human, comfortable in your own skin with real feelings. I just really miss being your friend. It's what I will miss the most of all.

This feels like such a goodbye. I don't want it to be a goodbye because goodbyes are so final. Maybe a have a good life, I wish you the best of luck with everything, all good things really must come to an end. It fills me with mixed emotions, kinda happy, kinda sad, yet fulfilling. I feel that you are going to be just fine. I worry about you because I care and I want you to truly be happy. I only want good things for you. You're my Bad Ass! ~S~

Your girlfriend is an extremely lucky woman to have your love. You'll be a great husband and a wonderful Father. You'll be okay. I'll be okay. We'll both be okay.

I'll always love you. You'll forever hold a place in my heart. I'll miss you immensely. I'll call you on birthdays and Christmas. If at all possible, I don't want to lose touch with you completely.

I'll never forget you. You can count on that, Amor! ~VBS~

mi amor siempre....

"Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget." ~G. Randolf~

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~ Francois Mocuriac

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25 MAR 04

Thank you....

.... for loving me, for desiring me, for wanting to be with me, for always making me smile, for making me feel incredibly beautiful inside and outside, for loving my mind, for always making me laugh, for accepting me exactly the way I am, for trusting me before and again, for being my friend. I hope in some small way, I was able to be those things to you also.

mi amor....