Creative Writing Ch. 01

"Yes, it is amazing," she said as she ran her hand up and down my chest and stomach. "My biggest fear was that you'd fall in love with me in the way you understand we can't have. That scared because as badly as I wanted this, I couldn't bear to hurt you like that. I'm just so relieved you understand the difference."

"I do," I assured her. "Whatever this is, it's ours. It doesn't have to 'go somewhere.' Let's just let it be whatever it wants to be and go wherever it can go. No regrets. No complaints."

"You really are the older one in this relationship. I feel so lucky and so...happy. And so...loved." She looked up at me and said, "Cal? I love you, too. At least in the only way I can love you in a relationship like this. And my heart is already breaking because I know this can't be forever." She began crying again but softly this time.

"Shhh. It's okay," I told her. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Right now, we have a movie to watch and I have tissue to hand to you."

Michelle sat up and smiled. "And I need to clean up this mess of a face and look pretty for you again."

I sat up and kissed her and held her face in my hands. "Hey. You look pretty to me right here, right now. You don't need to wash up or do anything. YOU are beautiful. The makeup and the clothes are just accessories. I love—you, Michelle. You."

As the movie ended we squeezed one another's hands when Bogart said, "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

It was almost 11 o'clock. Michelle sat up and said, "Would it be possible to get my handsome young boyfriend to make love to me again tonight?"

I kissed and assured her it was as I took her hand and led her back to our bedroom where we spent the next two hours exploring one another's bodies the way only two new lovers can.

I've never forgotten those first two nights together. I saw in my teacher/lover's eyes passion and hope and yes, love—whatever that meant between a lonely married woman and student who had a hopeless crush on her. And I saw it every time we were together until I too, abandoned her the next summer when I joined the Marine Corps to escape my little home town and make a better life for myself—the GI Bill, college, an engineering degree. That was my way ahead.

The most hurtful words I'd ever heard had been those of the cheerleader who asked me to kiss her for all the wrong reasons. That is, until Michelle said, "Why is it every man I love leaves me?" when I told her I was enlisting. She knew the relationship had to end at some point. She just wasn't ready for it as soon as I needed it to end.

Creative writing was a one-semester course so mercifully, I wasn't in her class the rest of the school year. We had quite a few more rendezvous after Christmas and until shortly after graduation. We spent most of our time alone in her home but we did manage to get away for an evening in another town several times and we also spent a weekend together on two occasions. We even ventured out for dinner together in Portland, Oregon during one of them. I was never more proud than when someone referred to her as my wife. In another life, maybe it could have been so but that's very unlikely as I found being faithful impossible and even while I was secretly dating Michelle, I had an affair with another married woman who was a Mormon. I met her through Glen when she was looking for someone to do fence repairs. Her husband was an airline pilot who, like Hugh Lloyd, was always gone and when he was home, wasn't emotionally available. I wrote about that experience in a story called Bagging Lauren.

I later married a girl (she was less than ten years older than me) I met in South Carolina during my last assignment on active duty. She was a bad girl living in a good girl's body. It took several years but I helped her find herself. As fun as that was, it ultimately led to our divorce. I also recently wrote about our shared experiences in a story I called Making Changes.

Michelle and I never contacted one another after I left small my hometown near Seattle although I would occasionally ask about her when I spoke with Glen via email a time or two each year. She's still teaching and I've wondered many times whether or not there was another young lover in her life like me. Something told me 'no' but then again, loneliness is a powerful motivator.

Over the years, I've thought of her thousands of times and I know she's done the same about me. I've never once regretted loving her and I'm quite sure she doesn't regret loving me. In fact, the last thing she told before I kissed her goodbye that final time was, "I don't regret a single minute of our time together and a part of me will always love you." I then told her we not only had nothing to be ashamed of but that we'd both created many beautiful memories that would last a lifetime. I still feel that way and I can't help but think she's does, too.