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Click here"Thank you for seeing us father, we'll leave you in peace now" I said a little dreamily.
"Just like that? Don't I have to endure a few more hours of your moaning before you leave?" He asked incredulously.
"No." Ares said simply and we both laughed at the expression on my father's face. "We should keep all our visits this short twin" Ares said to me.
"If it means we get to see the old man like this more often, I agree" I said to him and we walked out hand in hand before my father could object
- COMMENTS
bookworm2192about 12 years agoAn editor that can piece together whatever you've written here. It took me all of 20 minutes to read all 4 chapters. If this was your first submission, nice try.
I'd say that I like your concept, except your writing is so chaotic I'm not sure I fully understand what it is. Often I could not tell which character was speaking, and an awful lot of your sentences run together making this story mostly unintelligible. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but some study into how to write effectively would be a good idea. Investigating sentence structure would be a good idea, such as reading some of the other stories here that are rated over 4 stars if you haven't done so already. From what I do understand, your plot is looking good. Look into the whole "show don't tell" idea - you're really quite blunt with your descriptions.
I would ask a few questions:
Do you read novels of any kind? They are the best examples of what you are trying to write.
Did you complete high-school english? The level of writing you exhibit shows a depth of understanding, but your technique is extremely lacking - punctuation and grammar are your friends.
Did you ask anyone else to read over this submission set before you submitted it? Often other people can point out things you yourself might miss. I know when I write I always get someone to at least proof-read my piece and give me feedback, as my self-checking system is not infallible.
Overall, good effort, but make sure you are communicating your ideas clearly to your audience. I think you have the potential to at least write something passable, and I would hate to see ideas like yours go to waste.
Royalteeover 12 years agoAuthorI'm so sorry for the long wait for ch.05,I was planning on submitting it soon after this one but life got in the way and has been in the way ever since. I promise i'll try to get it on asap. My sincerest apologies. Royal
Rahtidover 12 years agoi keep checking back hoping for the next chapter but alas none....hopefully their will soon be another and much longer chapter...
afrodita79almost 13 years agoDidn´t expect that, but hope that all works for the best and that Alex does not sufere for Mikes insecurities... post soon can´t wait to read the next chapter
