Culture Shock

"Yes."

"It turns you on and you feel like maybe there is something wrong with you."

"Yes. Maybe it's bad. Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I'M bad."

"Hey, shhhh. Listen to me."

"Looks up at you."

"Reaches out to your cheek and caresses it gently, staring deeply into your eyes and smiling softly."

"'Mmmmms' quietly and listens."

"There is nothing inherently bad or evil about the lifestyle. You are free to come and go as you please. No one, including me, is going to coerce you or force you into anything. There is nothing wrong with choosing something a little different. I think I read somewhere that one in a hundred people are into the lifestyle full-time, that's almost three million Americans. It just isn't that weird any more.

"People choose the lifestyle for lots of different reasons. Some people are not well or have had troubled childhoods that they are not 'over'. Some people like the pain. Some like the servitude. Some like the D/s. Some like a particular aspect; like bondage or rubber clothing. The point is, you choose what you want and don't want, and how hard or soft you get it. I will need your help to tell me what is right for you. We'll be talking about what is happening every step of the way. I'm not going to spring anything on you that you won't like, or won't expect. I'll be giving you a safeword that you will only use when you must. It calls a halt to what I am doing or saying or anything. You can even use it in an argument, though I doubt you would argue with me." He sent a smile.

"I was going to ask about safewords."

"The use of your safeword means 'it's too much', or 'I can't take this'. Its use is your responsibility. My responsibility is to make sure you don't force yourself beyond a limit, simply to please me."

"Does that happen often?"

"More often than you think. You are capable of more than you know. And my job is to help you to explore your boundaries. But in your zeal to please, you may find yourself saying something like, 'harder, harder, ' when you can really take no more. I am experienced and I will recognise the signs, both physical and psychological. And while the Doctor was here I had him check the first aid kit and he replaced some supplies, 'just in case'."

"What might happen? You're scaring me."

"Well, you might fall off a horse." Gary winked.

"Meanie."

"I'm just making sure. There's nothing to worry about."

"And my safeword?"

"You want it now?"

"Yes, please."

"Pineapple."

"Pineapple?"

"I can't think of a better one off the top of my head. You are unlikely to use it in conversation or inadvertently. Don't you like it? Do you want something prettier?" He sent a face with its tongue poking out.

"Giggles. No, I like it."

"Good." He sent a smile. "Elaine, if this is not for you, you will know it very quickly. It won't take long for you to either love or hate what I do with you. I know I'm repeating myself, but I'll take you home the moment you ask me to do it, I promise. I have no desire to force you into anything. The thought just doesn't do it for me."

"Nods softly. Smiling up at you."

"Any more questions?"

"Just one."

"And that is?"

"What if it IS the kind of guilt that would be alleviated by a punishment?"

"I wondered whether you'd ask that. Firstly we'd have to agree that that was the case. In most circumstances I would suggest it. You would have to choose to agree or disagree."

"What if I didn't agree?"

"If it was my suggestion, then I would expect you to tell me why and, if you were truly convinced, then to convince me. I am able to see the merits of any solid argument. If I continue to disagree, I would need to convince you of the merits of a punishment. Again, you would have to be convinced, and agree to the punishment. I would never punish you without your explicit consent."

"And then?" Elaine swallowed.

"If you agreed, we would then discuss what form the punishment would take. Again, we would agree on its form before undertaking the punishment itself. There must be a lot of communication. You must understand why and how and when you are to be punished. And you must agree to everything I suggest all along the way. I will answer your questions and guide you through things like that. We shall also see how easily you bruise and work around things like that. Also, I seriously doubt whether you will want to be tied up, so we'll leave that for another time when you feel completely and utterly safe with me. You can always try to convince me though." He sent a smile.

"Thank you."

"My pleasure."

"Mmmmmm."

"What is it?"

"Whenever you say that I just... It just hits me."

"Say what? 'My pleasure'?"

"Yes." Elaine sent the blushing face.

"You give me a great deal of pleasure, little one."

Elaine swallowed again, feeling her nipples harden as though under his gaze. "Looks up at you from the floor." Her clit throbbed with the thought that she was alone. She checked the time. Chelsea would be back in an hour. She took a deep breath. "Sir, I need to play now."

"Chuckles. Poor baby."

"I mean it. I mean... I'm sorry, I'm just shaking with need."

"Do you want some time?"

"No. I want do it in front of you."

"Elaine..."

"Please. I'm so horny. But I don't want to be anywhere but here. With you. I need this, Sir. I need a taste. It's driving me mad. Please?"

"Go get your clamps and your vibe, that's all."

Elaine stared at the words. She wanted her dildo too. A shudder ran through her body. "Yes, Sir. I'll be right back."

When she got back to the computer, she'd locked the door, disrobed, and turned down the lights in record time. She was panting and naked. Her skin was feverish and she couldn't even feel the chill in the air. Her nipples were already as hard as they would get. She could feel them throbbing in time with her heart. "I'm back," she typed, adding another blushing face. Thunder rolled from far away. Elaine thought maybe the storm had missed them.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You are submitting to me for the period of this scene, Elaine. You understand and agree, right?"

"Yes. Yes, I do. Please, Sir. Please tell me what to do."

"What kind of clamps do you have?"

"Um, the kind with the little adjustment disk."

"I know them. Lightweight."

"I'm just learning." Elaine bit her lip.

"And I'm teasing. Pinch your nipples lightly first, then put them on."

"Yes, Sir." As Elaine went about attaching the wicked little things, she glanced at the screen. Gary was waiting for her to tell him she'd done it. When she had, she typed, "They're on."

"Keep your knees apart."

Her legs shot open and cool air caressed her inner thighs, raising goose bumps. "Yes, Sir."

"Don't touch your pussy. Drag your nails gently up the inside of your thighs. Then caress back down with your palms and fingers. Up and down. Slowly. Close your eyes for a moment and feel the clamps on your nipples without touching them."

Elaine did as Gary asked. It was delicious. The hot throbbing in her nipples grew and grew.

"Tighten the clamps up to just before the point where you can't stand it. I mean, make them tight but not too tight, okay?"

"Yes, Sir." Elaine gasped as she tightened the first one. She moaned and her head rolled back when she did the other. Her pussy ached intensely. Her clit was so hard it was actually sticking out a bit. She swallowed and looked back at the screen. Gary hadn't typed anything. Perspiration was forming on her top lip. She could think of only one thing to say. "Please."

"Please what, dirty girl?"

A shudder ran through her body. Her pussy contracted like it was reaching for something. The towel under her ass was struggling to absorb her juices already. "Please. The vibe. Please, Sir."

"Why?"

"I need it. Pleeaaseeee..."

"Why do you need it?"

"I don't know. My body aches for this. My pussy throbs. My clit hurts."

"Open your legs wider. You will be doing this in front of me in a few days."

"God. Yes."

"Don't you want to wait?"

"I can't!"

"It makes you hot, opening your legs before me, doesn't it?"

"So hot."

"Caress your pussy, one finger, not inside. Be gentle."

"Yes, Sir."

"This is making my cock hard."

"Godddd..."

"Oh you like that idea? Well maybe you'll like the idea that I haven't masturbated since last Wednesday and I'm not going to. I've been half-hard for a couple of days now."

"Please let me put my finger inside."

"All right." He sent a smile. "You beg so nicely."

"Thank you, Sir." And she did it. She was so hot. So hot and slick. Her pussy went crazy as soon as her finger entered, clamping down and convulsing around it. She had to hold still so she wouldn't cum. Elaine typed one-handed. "Mmmmmm."

"Smiles softly. I want you to use two fingers in your pussy and your vibe on high on your clitty. When I tell you, I want you to fuck yourself hard and hold your vibe on your clit. I want you to try not to cum and to count for me. And I want you to remember what number you got up to before you came, okay?"

"Y... Yes."

Elaine picked up her toy and turned it to high.

I'm not going to last long, she thought.

"I'm ready," she typed, then slid her fingers into her pussy. Her hips jerked involuntarily and she watched the screen, her toy an inch from her clit, buzzing madly.

"Okay. Now!"

In seconds all hell broke loose. Elaine barely made it to five before she exploded. Her fingers pistoned in and out of her wet heat, juices spattering her thighs. She writhed in painful ecstasy, her vibe on her clit, trying to hold off the inevitable. The throbbing tightness of her nipples flowed into sensory overload and her eyes rolled back into her head. She could feel her body convulsing and she was sliding off the chair but she couldn't do anything. For a full thirty seconds her body was practically out of control.

From some tiny part of her mind that was still holding on, she wrenched her fingers from herself and grabbed the towel, pressing it over her pussy as her vibe ignited an even mightier orgasm. It engulfed her as though in flames and everything went black.

Elaine opened her eyes and blinked. She was looking at her ceiling. Shadows from her computer played across it. Her screen saver had begun. That meant she'd been 'inactive' for at least five minutes. She felt light-headed and her thighs were like jelly. The towel was sopping and cold between her legs. "Damn," she said aloud as she removed the clamps.

Back on her chair, she shook the mouse and the screensaver disappeared. Gary was still online. He'd left a message. "Let me know when you are okay. I hope you remembered the number you reached."

Elaine quickly pushed the towel under today's washing and slipped on her robe. She put away her toys and grabbed some socks as she was starting to feel the cold. "I'm back," she typed as she sat down. "And I'm exhausted. Sorry I took so long."

"I think you needed that more than I thought."

"I agree. But I'll be good for the rest of the week."

"Until you see me?"

"Yes."

"Promise me."

Elaine hesitated, then smiled. "I promise."

"Good girl. What number did you get to?"

"Five."

"Jeez. Five?"

"Blushes."

"This is gonna be fun."

Chapter 18

Elaine grabbed Kendra's arm before they entered the clinic. She looked around before hissing, "I thought we were going to see an Ob-Gyn..."

Kendra shook Elaine's grip. "I've seen an Ob-Gyn. This is the doctor. You know, The Doctor. I'm getting rid of it. Jeez, Elaine. What did you think I needed? My hand held in the waiting room?"

Elaine's eyes narrowed. "You could've just been honest."

"This is my decision. I don't need anyone else telling me what to do."

"Jesus, Kendra. I agree with you. It's your decision. But before you make it, you should at least be informed. It's traumatic for God's sake. 'Getting rid of it', as you so eloquently put it, doesn't sound like a considered opinion to me."

"I've had plenty of time to think it over."

"What's the rush? You said you were at six weeks."

Kendra swallowed. "Ten weeks."

Elaine shook her head. Mostly to herself, she mumbled, "Why am I here?"

"Look. Sorry, okay?" The sad look Elaine had seen the night before flashed across Kendra's face again. "I'm scared. All right?"

Elaine thought maybe Kendra was three-dimensional after all. This was a hell of a way to find out. "Just tell me what's going through your head."

"I'm too young to have a kid. I have no idea who the father is. I can't afford it. And I don't like babies. In that order. Satisfied?"

Elaine sighed. "Yeah, I guess."

"Can we go inside?"

"No."

"No?"

"I want to give you a hug first."

**************************

The experience Kendra endured was one Elaine didn't want first hand. After they hobbled up the steps and inside to Kendra's bedroom, Elaine doled out two painkilling tablets and fetched some water. After supervising Kendra taking the pills, she tucked her in bed fully clothed. Kendra insisted Elaine go to class. Fifteen minutes later there wasn't much Elaine could do. Kendra was out like a light.

Reluctantly Elaine left her roommate, spending the afternoon worrying about possible complications and all the unwanted children in the world. She just wanted to get back to the apartment and make sure Kendra was all right.

Arriving home late in the afternoon, Elaine knocked softly before opening Kendra's door. She was still asleep. Elaine didn't wake her. Instead she decided to make spaghetti, Kendra's favourite dish. While the sauce was reducing, Elaine made some notes for the assignment that was due after the weekend. By the time Chelsea came home Elaine was back in the kitchen, stirring the sauce. Chelsea asked where Kendra was and Elaine told her.

"Is she all right?" Chelsea asked.

"I think so."

"Is that spaghetti I can smell?"

"Yes."

"Yum."

Chelsea flopped in front of the TV in the lounge room while Elaine got dinner together. She wasn't sure how Chelsea might react when Kendra told her about the termination. Maybe that was why Kendra hadn't told her. Or maybe Chelsea did know but simply couldn't take Kendra to the clinic.

She shook her head and wrinkled her nose remembering the events of the day.

While waiting for Kendra, Elaine thought she'd enquire about getting a blood test. The whole idea of asking someone to check if she had a clean bill of health 'for sex', made her very nervous. But she'd gathered up the courage to ask the secretary about it and the next minute she'd been whisked into an examining room. Elaine had snagged an appointment with a weedy doctor who'd had 'an unfortunate cancellation'. Elaine had wondered who the unfortunate one was, as the unfamiliar man had poked and prodded her, drawn her blood and made her pee in a cup. He'd even called her a 'good girl' for doing it.

She was glad she didn't have medical fantasies. The whole experience would have been a real downer.

Still, she'd get her results the next day and could pick up the written report before the weekend.

Spooning out the spaghetti, Elaine made a small serving for Kendra and took it to her room. She woke her and placed the bowl on her bedside table. Kendra thanked her but rolled over, saying she wasn't hungry. Elaine left it there anyway, quietly suggesting Kendra yell out if she needed anything.

Returning to the lounge room, Elaine joined Chelsea and ate in front of the TV while some crazy show was on. Elaine's mind was elsewhere. She was thinking about Kendra and also about the paper she had to write. Not the one for school, the one for Gary. About 'being submissive'.

As soon as Elaine was done eating, she retired to her room to 'study' and got started right away. It didn't take her long at all. She just wrote from her heart.

'What does being submissive mean to you?' By Elaine Milanovic

To me, being submissive means wanting to please someone 'for myself'. I am the one who benefits. It is 'my' basic need that is being fulfilled. The thought excites me unbelievably. To know someone so well, to trust them so much... I ache to be able to look into his eyes and tell him, 'I will do anything for you.' The freedom of my submission beckons to me through a thick fog, just out of reach. I can almost taste it.

I am inexperienced. But I'm not stupid. Consciously or unconsciously, I've chosen not to get wrapped up in the meat market of nightclubs and college life. I stand by those choices and I don't regret any decision of importance in my life. I've been instilled with a respect for authority that permeates my being. My father being military had much to do with that. Succeeding is important to me and I have been thinking lately that I am more self-disciplined than I thought. I am serious and thoughtful. I do well at school and I like to think 'my head is screwed on straight'.

And yet I am considered to be kinky. Or at least 'my thoughts and desires' are. I don't understand it. I can't see how 'pleasing myself' is wrong when it's safe, sane and consensual. It just doesn't make sense.

All my life I've tried to be pleasing. I've been 'good'. I've been what my parents wanted. I haven't been in trouble with the police and I haven't been a young, unwed mother. I've tried to make them proud. And yet, I haven't been perfect. I've caused them heartache and worry. I was a normal teenager. But I've survived. I have a good reputation.

I have a better imagination.

I've realised fairly recently that I like to masturbate. A lot. The images I have in my mind are extreme when compared to most people. 'Being made love to' is not my sole desire. I do desire romance and I want it desperately, but that's not all. I want more. Much more. I don't want sex to take five minutes. I'm quite sure a five-minute fuck could be mind-blowing. But not all the time. And I don't want it to be a chore. I want it to be passionate and I want it to be hot. I want to explore what is possible and I want to be pushed beyond what I've imagined.

I want to be able to let go.

I need to trust. And communicate. I need to know I am truly cared for and that my needs are important. I want to know whether I am doing well or not. I need to make 'my man' happy and I need to know I am succeeding. I want to truly and actually adore him. For he 'would' be mine in my submission, just as I would be 'his' in his Domination. I want to trust him implicitly and I want to allow myself to be what my Dominant wants, while at the same time be taken to where, in his heart, he knows I want to go.

I want to be able to submit myself to his will. I want to be free to do as he asks. I've thought about this a lot, and not just while masturbating. Most of what I see as 'humbling myself before my Dominant', is desirable to me.

Smiles.

I want to be his. And I want to be considered. I want communication and I want my sexuality to be expanded for his and my benefit. I want to rely on him and I don't want to feel guilty about it. Not because I am 'easily led', but because I want a genuine partnership.

I want to find the safety and the structure within which I can be free. Free to be me. Free to become whoever I wish to be in the future. I don't know what I'm capable of doing or being. But I know I belong. From what I've read, from what I've experienced, and from how it makes me feel, I know that submission is what I want.

So to me, submission is an expression of my freedom. It gives me the opportunity to openly communicate my needs in a safe and structured environment. It means knowing and trusting someone so much. And it means pleasing someone who can fulfil my needs. But most of all, it means choosing. Choosing who I want to be, choosing how I submit, and choosing into whose knowledgeable hands that I will deliver myself.