tagHumor & SatireCumedy Show

Cumedy Show

byDingus Guy©

“Now appearing for his 6th time here at the Comedy Palace, Long Island’s own funny fool, and my good friend, Henry Looper, The Loop!” Morgan Everlee waved his arms dramatically behind him at the curtain as ‘The Loop’ made his way onto the stage with his usual bag of props. Morgan punched fist against fist with the funny man and exited the stage from where Henry Looper had entered. The crowd responding kindly to the comic and ‘The Loop’ bowed like a Shakespearian actor.

“Yo, yo, yo…how’s my homies? 117 representing in da his house! Ok, settle down people, I am done carrying on like my black brothers. How many of the brothers in here?” ‘The Loop’ held his hands up like a visor across his eyes and scanned the crowd. “Ya, I see ya, you guys know I am joking? I am just a stupid white guy trying to make a living.” Few laughs and chuckles through the audience. “Sometimes, as a comedian I run out of material or I forget something, so I will curse or make fun of minorities to get a cheap laugh. Hey, this is the benefit of working the late show, you guys are drunk enough by now that it doesn’t matter what shit I say, you will laugh at it.” More laughs. He pointed at the crowd and smiled.

“That is why I love Long Island, New York so much. They will drink like fish and laugh at anything because after a week of work, it’s got to get better, am I right?” There was a smattering of applause. “Now don’t get me wrong, I too was employed not too long ago at a convenience store. I know fairly well what it takes to survive the day. A pack or two of cigarettes, an attitude to handle the child who tries to five-finger discount a chocolate bar and a smile for the grandmother who needs to find a hatpin. I love old people. What do you get when you cross an eighty year old man with viagra?” The Loop paused for a brief second, and continued, “You get a grandfather cock! Woohoo!!!” Groans. “You know Grandfather Clock, viagra, cock, grandfather cock, come on people, this is quality stuff.” The crowd laughed at The Loop’s begging.

“I guess you want some of my A-material?” The crowd hollered their approval in response to his question. “Well you better start drinking more. It doesn’t get any better than this. A doctor asks an old man for a urine sample, a feces sample and a blood sample. He doesn’t hear so he asks the doctor to repeat it. The doctor asks again for a urine sample, a feces sample and a blood sample. He looks to his wife for help and she tells him the doctor wants to have his underwear.” The crowd moaned but there were some scattered laughs including ‘The Loop’ who giggled at himself.

“Hey I love old people, don’t get me wrong, they just can’t fight back. Easy targets people, easy targets. What am I going to do acted my mother-in-law? That is too easy of a target. Hey do you know that if you descramble the word mother-in-law you get the words, woman Hitler?” More moans, groans and chuckles emanated from the crowd. ‘The Loop’ rolled on, “So I guess we return to the old people, eh? I see where the demand is; I am not stupid. Okay then, how do you get four old ladies to say, ‘Fuck’? You just have the fifth one say, ‘Bingo.’ Woohoo!”

“Ok, ok settle down people, settle down. I see I might be offending some of the blue hairs in the audience, so let’s see if we can pick on some other people. No really, I am not about cheap jokes, I am a lot more. I see we have a few beautiful women in the front row tables. They always want to get as close as they can. They want to know if the rumor is true. They see a Jew and want to know if their cock is as small as a thimble. Actually it’s true. When I am hard my schlong looks like a clitoris, but an aroused clitoris I must say. I see by the reaction by some of my words, that I could use more tasteful slang’s for male gentalia. Actually I do use other words for my little stump. The ladies think it’s cute when I call it my stuffed mouse. It is stuffed with filling and likes dark little holes, so I think that one is appropriate. Another one I often use is my pimple of pleasure. Yeah, erotic isn’t it? I know, I know, you wish you thought of it first. Hey, the more you play with it, the harder it gets and sooner or later white stuff will puss out the top. Sexy ladies, sex-eee!”

‘The Loop’ continued to receive a nice mix of laughs and grunts. It was a good show. When he finally left the stage, the crowd was on their feet for a standing applause. He ran right to the bathroom backstage, but it was occupied so he made his way around and used the men’s room the audience was using. When you got to go, you got to go, he thought. He made small talk with a few of the guys on the way to the stall.

“You know guys,” he mused, “thank God we got a contraceptive machine in here. I don’t think I have time to stop off at the quickie mart to purchase me a glow-in-the-dark condom of such high quality as we can get here. Hey, it is a comedy club remember these might be practical joke condoms, and after nine months the joke will be on you.”

After he finished his new routine in the bathroom, he ran into a rather sweet looking red head with sparkling green eyes. She had a lace-trimmed flower patterned scoop blouse, which was a bit on the grandmotherly side. Her blue jean skirt certainly made up for her poor choice of tops, ‘The Loop’ thought. Her legs were encased in charcoal colored stockings, which glistened even in the shadows of the club. She was quite an interesting looking lady, probably in her mid 20’s. She was pretty tall and wide shouldered. She had a bit of a large bulbous nose, but she knew how to make herself look pretty with her makeup. Her lips were glossed in pink and her eyes were accentuated by green eye shadow. He smiled at her and she introduced herself.

“Hi my name is Arlene,” she stated, “I loved your show.”

“Well,” The Loop replied, “it is always nice to meet one of my admirers, especially one as charming as yourself.” He smiled and bowed as he did when he first took the stage.

“Thanks,” she smiled.

“It is my pleasure dear lady,” he mentioned.

“A few of my friends are going over to McCloskey’s for a few drinks, would you like to come?” She smiled gently at him, sending the message that she was more than interested in a few drinks.

“Well that certainly seems like an interesting thought.”

“Interesting enough to meet us there?” Arlene asked. She tilted her head in a sexy come hither motion. The Loop could not resist such a puppy dog look.

“I will be over there as soon as I can break free,” The Loop replied. Arlene once again showed her pearly whites, turned and rejoined her on looking friends. He turned around and walked back behind the stage area to gathering his belongings and wash up a little.

After some drinks, and a pleasant conversation with Arlene and her friends, The Loop felt a hand linger on his butt. He made sure it was Arlene before winking his approval at her, and doing the same with her ass. He sensed that her friends were amused by the ongoing game between the two of them. After more lively chatter, she whispered into his ear and made it clear that she needed a ride home. They said their goodbyes and amidst some more childish giggling from her friends, they left McCloskey’s.

To the Loop, Arlene seemed to be very much into him. He had on a few occasions on the road met someone that was way into him and had some heated sex. He never thought of himself as the greatest looking guy in the world, but he did all right for himself. Arlene was one of those people that seemed to like to initiate the action. That was okay with The Loop, he certainly could go with the flow. Upon arriving at her condo, she pulled him inside and led him right to her bedroom. Grabbing him by the shoulders she kissed him roughly on the lips. Arlene thrust her tongue down his throat and looked into his eyes as they kissed. She pushed him down on her queen-sized bed and told him to undress for her while she goes to put on something more comfortable. She quickly exited through a side door in the corner. Not much into the foreplay, The Loop thought.

“How is it going in there?” The Loop asked, while lying in just his boxers on top of her lavender satin sheets. He was pretty fit for his age of 33, and didn’t embarrass in the least in this type of setting. Arlene was taking her sweet time in the other room, which was probably either the bathroom or walk in closet. Without saying a word, she walked out decked in a one-piece black vinyl and metal studded bondage outfit. It was quite form fitting on top showing her shoulders and it finished off with a skirt. Her legs wore the same sheer dark hose.

“How do you like me now Loop?” Arlene inquired. She swung a silver rope at her side.

“Whoa, The Loop never did anything this kinky. You are indeed a surprise Arlene.”

“A pleasant one I hope,” she stated matter-of-factly. She walked around to the end of the bed and snapped the rope in her hands.

“Uh, what you planning with the rope?”

“I think you know,” she teased him tracing the rope on his bare leg.

“This is new to me, will you be guiding a tour of your antics or do I just guess?” The Loop questioned with a huge grin on his face.

Her answer came in the way of a leg dug. She quickly gripped his right foot and looped the rope over it and secured it under the corner of the bed.

“Well,” The Loop said, “you don’t mess around do you?” She held up one finger to her lips to indicate quiet time for the funny man. He signed the zipper across his lips and watched her tie up his left foot to the other corner, spreading his legs apart and forcing him to fall back unto the bed. From her back she suddenly produced a third rope, this one black. Arlene climbed the bed lying on top of him, mouse to mouse hole. She leaned over him and kissed him hard as she fastened the rope around his hands and the headboard. She was not gentle in anyway, the kiss nor the rope tying.

“Nice spread you got here,” The Loop mused.

“I love funny men,” she answered without even the smallest trace of the smile she so easily displayed earlier. She was all business now. “I love to see funny men perform on my stage.”

“I would love to perform on your stage,” He offered smartly.

She placed her hand in his boxer’s fly hole and started to massage his cock and balls. The Loop groaned deeply in response to the manhandling. She worked it so it got nice and hard and then she twisted her body on top of him so she could place her mouth on him there. She licked his cock softly then drove her mouth down his shaft.

She stopped to ask, “So, how is the stuffed mouse now? Doesn’t appear to be too shy.”

“Stuffed mouse is very happy,” he replied breathlessly.

The tongue flicked along the mouse head and she scrapped her teeth a little. This caused him to buck and protest a little.

“Gentle there, the mouse is delicate,” The Loop protested.

“Looks like the comic needs his microphone turned off,” Arlene suggested. She got up and left the room and shoved a ball gag in his mouth and snapped it shut around his head. His eyes looked out in alarm, and tried to say a quick joke but he was caught off quickly.

“There you go,” Arlene exclaimed. “Now let me see how my toy is doing.” She ripped at his boxers until they tore from his body. The Loop looked shocked at her display of control. Her mouth licked and sucked at his balls, nibbling his thighs now and then, all the while stroking his cock. He felt the verge of cumming when she suddenly pulled at his balls roughly making him groan. She sneered at him menacingly and got up off the bed. She stood by his left and he turned to see her unzip the top. Her breasts sprang free it their naturalness. They looked full and did not sag. They didn’t look real, but they didn’t look bad in anyway. She lifted them up and squeezed them together. She leaned over and pushed them into his face.

Arlene took another step back, turned around and slid her skirt down. A small shapely vinyl thronged ass wiggled at The Loop. She did a little dance with her ass facing him, moving her arms and legs to unheard music that played just for her. With her back still facing him, she reached for the thong and slid it down and spun to him all in one motion. His eyes nearly popped out of his head. He started to make gurgling noise from under the gag.

“Oh do you want me to remove the gag?” Arlene giggled.

The Loop’s protests continued louder. His body started to pull at the binds in an effort to escape. He tried to shift his body away, but he was stuck in place. Arlene just laughed at his reaction. She climbed back on top of him and she aligned herself at her apex with his face. He turned and she held him still, so he was staring right at her cock. It was just mere inches away from his face.

“Not so funny now, is it?” Arlene exclaimed.

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