Curiosity Ch. 03

She looked up and realized she had been looking right at her chest and turned red for the millionth time that day.

"Oh my god I'm sorry I was zoned out and it's just been a long couple of days and I didn't mean to stare I really didn't I'm sorry." she rambled but Jamie cut her off saying it was ok.

"I understand, it's been a long couple of days for me too what with all the traveling and unpacking and...yeah..." she trailed off and they sat there in an uncomfortable silence for a while.

"So, um, you said you wanted to talk to me about something?" Bethany started.

"Yes right, of course," Jamie laughed nervously. "I was just thinking the other night about that one day when I, er, we...you know...and how after we kind of drifted apart even though we have the same friends and I wanted to...make amends I suppose."

"Oh, okay, I don't really know what you mean though." Bethany replied, kind of startled that Jamie had mentioned that day. They had a kind of unspoken agreement not to mention it.

"Well I think that a lot of the problem with what happened between us was that neither of us was honest with the other. We never sat down and talked about our feelings, or lack thereof, with each other and I think it would help a lot if we did. I know it's kinda weird though since it was what, 7 years ago now?"

"8. Well 8 in February." Bethany answered.

"Wow, 8 years." Jamie almost whispered as she contemplated where the time had gone while also reliving that wonderful moment at the same time. "So yeah, it's been a while and it might be hard to figure out what happened and everything that pretty much destroyed our friendship, but I think we should try." By the end of her little speech Jamie had started to tear up.

It pained Bethany to see her like that. "Please don't cry," she begged her, "I won't be able to stand it if you do."

Jamie sniffed and briefly managed to compose herself. "I'm sorry it's just every time I see you or think about you I remember how it was all my fault that we aren't really friends anymore and I feel so bad about it and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." She had tried her hardest to not cry but she couldn't help it. She wasn't sobbing but the tears ran freely down her face.

Oh so not fair that she can use those pretty eyes against me like that. Bethany thought before she reached over and took Jamie's hand with both of hers.

"It wasn't your fault sweetie, really it wasn't." she said to try and console her friend.

"No it was." Jamie continued, "I thought I felt something there, and I thought you did too, but I was wrong and it wasn't worth it and I wish I hadn't done it.

"Please don't say that."

"What?" Jamie asked confused.

"Don't say you wish it hadn't happened. It's hard enough that it did but don't wish it away."

"But I ruined our friendship. If I hadn't we could still be best friends and you said you..." Jamie trailed off now even more confused than before. Bethany had said she didn't want her, why wouldn't she wish it hadn't happened too? "You said you didn't want me." She finished sadly.

Bethany looked into her friend's eyes trying to get her to understand she lied for both of their sakes that day without having to say it but it didn't look like Jamie was getting it.

"I know," she stated, "I lied."

"What?" Jamie asked but didn't really expect an answer; it was more of a reaction to what she just heard than an actual question.

"I said I lied. I said I didn't want you because it was easier that way. It was easier to just have you believe that there was nothing there, that even if you could be with me it wouldn't happen. I lied to help you so you wouldn't have to worry about what might have happened for the rest of your life. It was better that way."

They sat quiet just looking at each other. Jamie looked down and thought for a second and when she looked back up Bethany noticed Jamie's eyes had changed, they had gotten darker, almost angry looking, but she didn't understand why. She furrowed her brow a little as she tried to figure it out, she couldn't possibly be mad at her for this could she?

Jamie reached across and slapped her in the face.

Apparently she could be.

"What the-" Bethany started but Jamie interrupted her.

"Who gave you the right?"

"Wha-"

"Easier?" she interrupted again, "It was easier for us? No, darling, no. It might have been easier for you to just write me off and tell yourself you did it for me or whatever you told yourself to make you feel better but it was not easier for me. It wasn't easy to have to face rejection head on like that. Did you know after that happened I was afraid to break up with Ty? I couldn't trust myself to find another person to be with. When you told me you didn't want to be with me more than just my heart broke. My confidence in my abilities to discern who was flirting with me and my confidence in my sexual orientation did too. For years I struggled with why I was so hurt by your rejection. You're another woman for christs sake! I would rather have just dealt with the fantasy of maybe someday being with you, than have to have dealt with my whole world crashing down like that. At least then I could chalk it up to a basic sexual pleasure and not have my emotions go into haywire.

Don't you dare tell me it was easier this way. It wasn't."

By the end of her rant Jamie had calmed down considerably and made her way across the room. She basically whispered the last couple sentences to herself before turning away to look into the fireplace; she couldn't bear to look at Bethany.

Bethany on the other hand wanted nothing more than to look Jamie in the face. She couldn't believe that the girl of her dreams had just admitted to having fantasized about her for years. It was almost unreal, at that moment she wanted nothing more than to take Jamie in her arms and make love to her right there but she knew she couldn't. It would be wrong for so many reasons. Instead she stood up from where she had sat down on the couch -- when had she done that? -- and walked towards her.

"Jamie?" she asked as she gingerly reached out to touch her on the shoulder.

At the touch Jamie jumped but she still wouldn't look at Bethany.

"Jamie?" Bethany asked again, "Look at me, please."

Jamie turned away from her and started to walk back towards the door but Bethany grabbed her hand and stopped her. Finally Jamie looked Bethany in the eye.

"I'm sorry." Bethany said gently, "I didn't know how badly I hurt you, I really didn't. I thought you were just curious and since you stayed with Ty I figured it helped you to move on. I didn't mean to hurt you this much."

They hugged and stayed there, both of their hearts racing as they could sense where this was going next and both of them unsure of what to do. Jamie was married now; she couldn't cheat on Ty especially a day after their honeymoon but she couldn't help feeling aroused at having Bethany so close to her. And Bethany had wanted to talk to Jamie to get over her so she could be with Rachel but the longer she was in her presence the harder she fell for Jamie.

Her hand slipped down to the small of her back. She started rubbing her hand in circles and then suddenly took a step back when she realized what she was doing.

They awkwardly stood apart from each other and then Bethany cleared her throat, "So uh want some coffee or wine or something?" She knew she could certainly use a glass.

"Coffee would be great." Jamie said, she almost said wine but it was hard enough to keep her impulses under control as it was.

So they walked to the kitchen to get their drinks. Bethany set a mug out in front of Jamie and started making coffee before pouring herself a glass of wine. She basically chugged her first glass and Jamie rose her eyebrows at her over her mug. She started to pour her second glass and then noticed that Jamie was looking at her. She laughed embarrassedly, "Sorry I just um...I needed that."

"Apparently." Jamie joked back.

"Hey watch it," Bethany replied with mock sternness and they both smiled. It felt good to both of them to be joking with each other again.

Just as it began though the moment was lost. They remembered why they were there and what they had yet to talk about. Neither of them really knew where to begin.

Bethany expected Jamie to say something, she was always pretty forward when she wanted to be but evidently now was not one of those times. She sighed and said, "So..."

"So..." Jamie repeated.

"So...about what you said. The part about how it wasn't easy on you. I just wanted to apologize again for that, it seemed like a good idea at the time and up until today I thought I had made the right decision. So I'm sorry."

"It's okay, you couldn't have known."

"Yeah. Well what's done is done eh?" she took another sip of wine before continuing, "When you got here you also said you thought it would help if we talked about our feelings. I know you added the 'lack thereof' because you thought I didn't feel anything for you but now you know that was a lie. So with that being said I'm just going to lay everything out on the table." She paused, partly for emphasis partly because she was trying to decide the best way to say this. She could go short and simple but that would lead to more questions so she opted to just confess everything.

"Since that day we kissed, I haven't stopped thinking about you. You helped me realize who I really was and I can't thank you enough for that, but you also kind of ruined me for all future girlfriends of mine. I never loved anyone before you and I haven't been able to after you left either even though I've tried really hard, so hard, to get over it. I mean even now I'm supposed to be here getting what Rachel calls closure and I can't help but just think about...well things that wouldn't really entitle me to closure so much as put the final nail in the coffin really. So I guess really what I'm trying to say here is, Jamie," she took a deep breath and then said the words she had been waiting 8 years to say, "I love you."

Of course Jamie had considered the remote possibility that she would come here and Bethany would say basically what she had just said to her but she never expected it to happen. She had prepared herself for this day much the same as she did the day she kissed her friend. None of it so far had gone according to plan which made her happy but confused. She didn't really know what to do from here; she couldn't take Bethany away from Rachel, that wouldn't be fair but she also couldn't leave Ty, that would be unbearable. She thought long and hard about what she would do next, the entire time fighting with herself. Thank god Bethany kept quiet and let her think.

Go over there and kiss her, just stand up and kiss her. No, you can't do that, think of all the consequences and besides you're still straight. But then again maybe you're not, maybe it would be the best feeling in the world to be with Bethany. You have to at least try it...wait no, even if you're not straight -- which you are -- you aren't a homewrecker, you can't do this to Ty or to Rachel and if it doesn't work out you can't do that to Bethany. You need to leave. with that last thought she stood up and looked at Bethany one more time before she started for the door again.

Not again, you can't let her leave again after turning your world upside down for the second time in your life. Bethany thought.

Quickly Bethany went after Jamie again, all thoughts of Rachel vanished and she felt she only had one purpose in life; to hang onto and never let Jamie go again. Just before she reached her, Jamie stopped and Bethany almost ran into her.

"We can't keep doing this." Bethany said.

"I don't know what you mean." Jamie replied quietly.

"You know damn well what I mean."

"No, I don't."

Bethany was now angry and she whipped Jamie around to face her. "I just told you that I loved you, and I have loved you since the minute I met you, and you didn't even respond!" she moved closer to Jamie, "You just got up to leave me hanging again and that may be the way you deal with problems but it's not the way I deal with mine dammit." The last few words came out in a throaty whisper. Her eyes darted down to Jamie's lips and then she pressed forward and kissed her as hard as she could immediately eliciting a moan from both of them.

****

To be continued...