D.N.A.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, Karen?"

"Kimmy and I want to get our family's DNA tested for a science project. Is it all right?"

"I don't see why not, but run it by your mother to make sure it's all right."

"She already said no."

"And why did your mother say no?"

"She said it costs too much and she didn't want anyone snooping into our DNA, but we asked our teacher and she said it would be completely confidential."

"Just how much does this confidential DNA test cost?" Well, it wasn't cheap and I told them so. I certainly didn't blame my wife Claire for refusing their request. But unless you have a daughter, you can't believe the way she can beg and plead and wheedle to turn a no into a yes. When you have two daughters, and twins to boot, it didn't take a genius to figure out who was going to give in if it was at all possible to do so. I told them I would pay for it out of my own stash, deal with the testing firm and agreed not to tell their mother. The hugs they gave me made it all worthwhile.

Well, I did win on a couple of points. A cheek swab would only be taken from one twin. Karen was the volunteer. Since their mother wasn't cooperating, I'd be the other test subject. I sent in the test kit along with the required fee. About ten days later I received the report. It had been sent to my office since Claire usually picked up the mail first.

I took a look at the report and my world started crashing down around me. According to what I read, there was no way I could be Karen's biological father. I immediately called the testing firm. I gave them the required codes off the report and asked if there could be some kind of testing error. I was assured that they had the most stringent testing procedures. If there was an anomaly, I could certainly have another test done at the same price. The new fee would be refunded if it turned out to be their error. I told them I would think about it.

I called an attorney friend of mine that I'd known since grade school. He wasn't our family attorney so knew I there wouldn't be a conflict of interest. I told him what I knew. He suggested a more complex and expensive DNA report that would be accepted in a court of law. I told him I'd get back to him in a couple of days. When I got home I was met at the door by Claire.

"Did you let the girls talk you into letting them get a DNA test?"

"Did they tell you that?"

"I've started reading their diaries ever since they got interested in boys."

"I paid for it out of my own stash. It's confidential. What's the harm?"

"The harm is they might find out about us being brother and sister." She gave me a playful punch in the arm and we both laughed. I immediately felt better. That report had to be mistaken. I'd tell the girls the test kit was lost in the mail and make it up to them somehow. I soon forgot about the whole thing.

Two weeks later I was served with divorce papers and a restraining order. There had been a police report filed alleging I had threatened Claire and the children with great bodily harm. They were deathly afraid of me. The court order forbade me from going anywhere near the house or anyplace they frequented such as their school or the church. The bank accounts had been drained and our assets were frozen by court order. Essentially I'd been caught flatfooted. I didn't have much of anything left except the shirt on my back. Claire and her attorney were trying their best to get that too. I couldn't believe how cold-blooded Claire was being in all this. I thought we loved each other. The DNA test must have spooked her into taking action.

I denied all the allegations in court. My attorney pointed out the DNA report. Claire even admitted the children weren't mine on the witness stand. She said she was impregnated during a one night stand. She didn't even know the guy's name. The court didn't seem much interested. They said that the best interests of the children came first. Since I had taken on parental responsibility, I was stuck with it until they turned 18 years of age. I was ordered to pay child support and keep their health insurance coverage in force. I had to pay half the mortgage and taxes. Claire got to keep the house until the children left home. She had a well paying job so I escaped spousal support. I came to the conclusion the court system in this country sucked big time.

Since the threats of violence allegations weren't proven I was awarded joint custody of the children. At the same time I was told they didn't have to see me if they didn't want to. I was told they didn't want to see me. I didn't much care since I wasn't their real father, but my attorney advised me to ask the girls face to face. With the court appointed social worker present Karen and Kimmy told me they didn't want to have anything to do with me. I know I just told you I didn't much care, but apparently I did. It hurt big time when they rejected me.

So I was starting all over again. I had nothing. On top of that I had monthly financial obligations hanging over me. The best I can compare it to is the student who has just graduated, but has a huge student loan to start paying back along with all the other expenses of life. Well, I lived like a starving student and I didn't miss a payment. But every time I'd get a little bit ahead, Claire would haul me back into court and demand more. It was like she knew when I took a shit and how much toilet paper I used. I began to think she was having me watched. My attorney suggested my hiring a private detective of my own but we both knew that was an unaffordable option.

Karen and Kimmy had modeling careers from the time they were 14 years of age and even had some success in commercials, television and film. They were minor celebrities. I tried not to take pride in their accomplishments. It was hard. Eventually all things come to pass. The girls turned 18 and I was out from under the child support. I began to make plans to have the house sold so I could take my share of the equity and maybe buy a small condo.

My parents invited me over for dinner one evening. When I arrived I saw another car in the driveway. I walked through the door and saw two of the loveliest women...wait a minute. I knew these women.

"Hi, Daddy," they chorused.

"Don't call me that," I rasped. "I'm not your father." I turned around to leave. I didn't want to be in the same room with them.

"Come back here and sit down," Dad snapped. "We have things to discuss." Despite not having lived under their roof for more than 20 years, I obeyed. He still had that air of authority about him that parents seem to have even with their adult children. I avoided making eye contact with the girls. I know I still thought of them as girls but they were grown women. They took to calling me "Sir". It sounded strange and I felt strange. They still referred to my parents as Grandma and Grandpa.

There are laws in our state which try to protect the earnings of underage children from being used and misused by their parents or legal guardians. The main one is called Coogan's law. It was named after a child actor who was totally ripped off by his parents and got practically nothing when he came of age. A portion of the income automatically goes into a trust that can't be touched by the parents. Claire adhered to that part of the law but conveniently forgot that all the earnings ultimately belonged to the children.

They began to suspect something was wrong when Claire wanted them to sign various documents the day they turned 18. They politely refused and said they wanted time to take a look at the documents. That seemed to annoy their mother. Since they didn't have access to any money of their own, they borrowed the money from my parents to hire a detective to investigate. I got irritated when I heard that. My parents were trying to retire and they could ill afford to loan out money to anyone. I was glad Claire was going to get into some trouble but it didn't have anything to do with me. I told them that exactly.

"That's not all we discovered, Sir," said Kimmy. "Would it interest you to know that the house is mortgaged to the hilt?"

"That's impossible," I said. "I would have had to sign off on any loan documents. I did no such thing." The girls merely shrugged their shoulders.

"I guess I'm going to be in touch with my attorney first thing in the morning."

"Please don't do that, Sir," said Karen. "You would just be alerting our biological father."

"Who's your biological father?"

"Your attorney, Stanley Grant, is our biological father." Fuck! No wonder I couldn't make a move without Claire knowing about it. The attorney who represented me in my divorce was stabbing in the back at the same time. It was time to get a new attorney.

"Just for the record, Sir," said Karen, "my sister and I were pressured into rejecting visitation with you." I believed her.

"Did you girls ever keep diaries," I asked.

"We never did." They were curious about my question and I told them what their mother told me.

Karen and Kimmy were represented by an attorney that Dad recommended. She specialized representing plaintiffs in financial matters and legal malpractice. Dad wanted me to go with the same attorney since she would be willing to work from the same fee he had already paid. I didn't see why not. I certainly couldn't have done worse than I already had.

My attorney was literally rubbing her hands in anticipation when I told her my story. She already had a copy of the investigator's report and was almost ready to file the lawsuit on the girls' behalf, but she wanted to file mine at the same time. After the lawsuits were filed various other agencies would be notified. Claire and Stanley would be in a world of hurt.

The only thing I asked was that somehow Stanley's wife Martha be warned about what was to happen. I had introduced Martha to Stanley and I still had a great affection for her. Leah told me to wait for her okay. If Martha warned Stanley it would already be too late. It happened like I hoped it would. I just told her that a whole bunch of shit was going to be raining down on Stanley real soon and she'd better get an umbrella. Martha thanked me and invited me to lunch some day soon. She turned out to be as ruthlessly efficient with Stanley as Claire was with me.

The lawsuits were served and the shit hit the fan. Leah turned over evidence of criminal fraud to the district attorney. Stanley's license to practice law was suspended pending disbarment proceedings. A criminal complaint was eventually filed on my ex-wife and ex-attorney. Claire and Stanley were arrested at the airport trying to leave the country. Their bails were revoked. Prison is definitely now in their futures.

Stanley's malpractice insurance company took one look at the evidence and started negotiating a settlement. The girls' money was mostly gone. The house went into foreclosure. The mortgage companies tried to go after me for the deficiency but they didn't get anywhere. The financial settlement from the insurance company made up for our losses and that was after Leah taking her cut and repaying my parents.

"Let's go get some Champagne and celebrate, Sir," said Karen. "We're cheap drunks and who knows what might happen?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"What do you think?" Both girls' eyes sparkled.

"No, thanks," I replied. "I'm not into incest."

"Incest? But we're not related, Sir."

"It would feel like incest. And by the way, if I hear either of you girls call me Sir again; I'm going to tan your butts."

"What do you want us to call you?"

"Calling me Daddy would be nice."

"Daddy," they chorused. I broke down into great heaving sobs. The girls started crying too. We hugged each other through our tears. It felt so great to have my daughters back.