Dave and Wal Show

Fair enough. All the others would be out tonight. The three girls were out with their boyfriends. Biddie's husband had gone to Canberra for the weekend to watch a footy match so Wal and Biddie had gone to a hotel. Wal never talked about her but Dave thought she'd be great in bed.

"What do you do for a crust Jazz?"

"I'm a lawyer."

Christ that was confirmation she'd have no humor. Lawyers were almost as bad as accountants who were not far above funeral directors, so the guys reckoned. Dave wasn't sure if he knew any accountants but he'd caught the drift with thinking about undertakers and humor.

"Do you know Rosie Meadows?"

"Yes we were together at law school although she was a year ahead of me, being one year older. How did you know her?"

The cab driver appeared to be waiting for the answer as well.

"She lives with me."

"With you? But she has been running with Lloyd for about five years."

"Wal and I share a house with three females and Rosie is one of them."

"Oh you mean shared living," Jazz laughed and the driver appeared to lose interest in the conversation.

The restaurant was full and they caused a bit of a stir when they entered.

"Oh god is my dress ripped?"

"Give me a look. No you're fine."

"What about my breasts?"

"Flip them out and I'll check."

She looked pained.

"No they're fine, there's only two of them."

She giggled and he thought, ah that's promising.

A woman beckoned them over to her table.

"Hi Dave, I just have to say I love the show. My husband Branson and I agree it's the best thing on TV at the moment early evenings."

"Thanks Elaine."

"Oh no it's Joyce, Joyce Munro."

Jazz smiled and said, "Good evening Judge Munro."

"Good evening dear. Does you mother know me?"

"I'm ex law school. You were a guest lecturer on family law during my final year."

"And you are dear?"

"Jasmine Jennings."

"That rings a bell. Jazz Jennings, Sandy's younger sister?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Well have a great dinner you two."

Four other women were waiting for autographs and didn't appear to even look at Jazz. She was impressed, learning what it was like being with a celebrity.

"Good evening sir, miss," said the maitre d'. "This way please. You are being switched to Mr Monaghan's personal table. He is delighted to have you in the house. I have to be honest I had no idea who you were sir because I work at nights so don't get to watch TV. I can't work those recording things."

"Well the station may soon put out a DVD on the best of our shows."

"I would be most grateful if the did sir. Most grateful."

After they had been seated Jazz whispered, "God so this is what it's like being a celebrity."

"I wasn't aware I was."

"Dave you are pulling my tit."

He looked at her breasts and she colored and said, "That's an expression, not a hi-brow one I have to admit. Don't look now but at the next table are our State governor and spouse and the president of the New South Wales Bar Association and spouse.

"What's the president drinking? Been in the liquor trade he ought to know the best drop on the wine list."

He's a Queen's Counsel Dave and president of the body that governs lawyers. Omigod you knew that didn't you?"

"Yeah just pulling your tit."

She smiled sweetly.

"Good evening Dave, Miss. I'm Cyril Monaghan, owner of this establishment. Dave we laugh ourselves silly over the weekly antics of you and Wal. My son tapes the show and we watch it together over Sunday lunch even when we have guests and everyone thinks it's a real scream but I guess there will be many folk less than impressed because that's how people are. You two just have to look at the camera and our laughing gear is primed. Now allow me to offer complimentary wine. Champagne, a red or a white?"

"Jazz?"

"I'd prefer a red?"

"Me too. Mr Monaghan what about a Hunter Shiraz?"

"May I suggest the 2005 Brokenwood Graveyard Vineyard Shiraz?"

"Perfect, highly rated. Oh yes please."

The meal was perfect and they enjoyed chatting once people stopped calling at their table.

They left the restaurant and Dave said, "The truth is Jazz I don't feel like clubbing. What say I just take you home?"

"Are you off me already?"

"Jesus no, I really like you. It can't wait to... well you know."

"Do I?" she giggled. "What say we ride the harbor ferry out to Manly and back?"

"Okay."

They had a lovely time, settling into a corner and were not disturbed. They looked out at the harbor lights until Jazz said softly, "Some dates kiss me."

Dave accepted the invitation and kissed and she also got into it.

As they were parting at Jazz's home, Dave said, "What about a naughty night in a hotel this weekend?"

"I'd love that."

"Good I'll hire a car."

"There is no need for that. I have a car."

* * *

Features on the emerging in-your-face TV celebrities Dave and Wal appeared in two major Sunday newspapers and a TV weekly magazine and the next show on Tuesday drew an estimated 493,668 viewers.

It had been filmed (with permission) at in Sydney's Central Railway Station, the largest railway station in Australia.

"Thanks for stopping to look and listen to us," began Dave. "I understand where we are is the Grand Concourse. So if you are waiting to change trains, is the diminutive for this place the Grand Intercourse?"

That produced polite laughter from the gathering crowd. Their director appeared worried but Dave had a confident smile.

He introduced himself as Dave Jellicoe, one of the presenters of the 'Dave and Wal's Cooking Show for Dudes' broadcast on Harbor TV at 7:00 on Tuesdays.

"This is a big audience for something that's not supposed to be happening. The rail bosses gave us permission to film here on the understanding we were not to promote the event and God's Truth, we didn't. But you all know a dog can't even pee in the street in Sydney without a crowd gathering."

"We also had to promise not to make disparaging remarks about train travel in New South Wales. We won't. Unfortunately the guy who fronts with me Wal hasn't arrived. He planned to be here half an hour ago and I have to say he chose to travel by train."

There was a huge laugh and people clapped.

"I haven't been in this station for a bit. It was twenty-five years ago, not too long after I started school. We had shops where we lived and didn't go on holidays so trains didn't figure in our life but I now use them frequently because just like when I was a kid I still don't have a car. I'm too polite to be a successful driver in Sydney. Oh I've digressed and must be boring you. I need a volunteer."

Several people held up their hand.

"Yes young lady. You have great... er shoulders. Let me pin this remote microphone on to one of your ... er..."

"Shoulders," yelled several people and Dave clipped it over her left breast.

"What's your name Miss or Mrs?"

"Miss Jasmine Jennings. You may call me Jazz."

"Cripes JJ you're not Sandy Jennings' sister are you? She was going to date me but her friends who saw me on TV told her I was uncouth."

"Yes Sandy is my sister."

"Well now, what kind of coincidence is that? She is beautiful, a former beauty queen. What happened to you?"

Several women booed.

"Take it easy ladies, I'm used to insensitive remarks," said Jazz, following scrip as rehearsed. "Women can be like that too."

The crowd loved it.

"Right let's get underway. JJ get your cute..."

He waited and people yelled "Ass."

"Yeah right, behind this table and help me prepare and cook this roast. It takes about the average time it takes a train to run from here to Parramatta, about four hours."

"Doesn't that trip take about thirty minutes?"

"Oh thanks JJ what did I say?"

"I won't repeat it. The rail chiefs will tear what's left of their hair if I do."

"Good girl. I like pretty girls with great...."

"Shoulders" roared the crowd that was building hugely.

"With great shoulders and a brain. Will you date me?"

"You'll have to ask mum and dad."

"Why?"

"Because you are uncouth."

"Oh okay. I thought it might be because they would think you were too sexy for me."

"Yes and that too."

Everyone laughed.

"Well folk we can't do a roast. A piece to be cut from a side of beef from a fresh kill that was being delivered to us here from the Blue Mountains was due an hour ago and hasn't arrived yet. They must have chosen to bring it by train. So we'll do something rather cute. I went to Sydney University you know?"

"You're kidding," said JJ.

"Yeah I went on Open Day. I met this cute girl student from New Zealand studying intergalactic travel. Apparently that subject is still not offered over there but I understand the one passenger train in New Zealand runs on time and as a result many people used to normal train travel miss boarding because they arrive late expecting the train to be late. Well she taught me how to make the favorite meal of impoverished students, as most students are. It's a brilliant variation of cheese on toast. It's called Mousetraps."

"Eeek, mice," said JJ, jumping on to a chair and pulling her dress high, revealing she was wearing bright yellow and red men's under-shorts with short legs.

The audience roared and clapped, some of them probably missing their train.

"First," said Dave, "you take a loaf of bread and remove the dead mouse."

"Eeek," screamed women, laughing.

"No just joking," Dave said. Pass me those two pieces of bread already lightly toasted JJ."

"Thanks. Lovely..."

"Shoulders," the crowd finished off for him.

"Thanks," said JJ. I can't recall anyone complimenting me on my shoulders."

"I wonder why," smirked Dave.

"Okay JJ, put a smear of butter on both sides of each piece of toast."

"Both sides?"

"Yes and do not display signs of insubordination thank you. Butter on the underside cooks the bottom to a golden crisp brown."

"Now spread a yeast extract lightly on the top side. I usually use Vegemite but today we are using Marmite because it's on special. While you are doing that I'll whisk this one egg, dump in chopped bacon, with salt and pepper to taste. Now I place my mix on the top side of your beautifully buttered toast, place very thin slices of onion over that, spread tomato sauce over the top, add garnish, in this case sprigs of wilted parsley and now we bake the savory bread on a hot tray in a 180C oven for ten to 15 minutes until the toast looks crisp and the cheese in the mix is runny. When the toast cools we cut the bread into triangles and lo, we have Mousetraps. Here are some earlier prepared Mousetraps, try them ladies."

A big woman said sternly. "No thank you. I've seen demonstrations of your theatrical cooking on TV."

"Ma'am, I promise you. This is genuine cooking. I have not used mice."

"I'll try one," said an elderly woman.

There was pregnant silence as she bit into it.

"Omigod this leaves cheese on toast for dead."

Other women grabbed a triangle and JJ handed out another plateful.

"Dave!" came a big shout.

"Hi Wal. Been riding on a train?"

"Yeah I took a call to go out to the Blue Mountains to pick up our piece of beef. The guy who was to deliver it was knocked over by the steer before it was dispatched. He's in hospital."

"Oooh," cried some women."

David said, "Ladies you don't know the guy."

"I'm a vegetarian," said one of the women. "We were concerned the steer had been slaughtered needlessly."

"What do you feed your dog on ma'am?"

"Usually gravy beef Dave. Oh I see what you are getting at. God you are both sly and uncouth and apparently the only thing you are good at cooking is Mousetraps."

"And Flytraps ma'am, not that you would be interested in those as you are a vegetarian. Someone help Wal, he's struggling."

Wal came into camera shot with two men, also in white coats and white hats, shouldering a whole side of beef wrapped in a cotton shroud.

People were laughing and Wal reported, "When I arrived out in the mountains, the butchers were on morning tea break. So I just picked a great looking half-carcass from the hook and ran with it."

Laughing Dave said, "Right folk, we'll now take a urination break. When we come back Wal will teach guys about the ultimate meat pie.

The show resumed with the camera on Dave who was smooching JJ.

"Ooops sorry but I really wasn't caught out. Miss Jennings was examining my mouth to see if I could sue my dentist for shoddy dental work. She's a lawyer."

"Stop hogging the limelight matey," said Wal. "Hi folk, I'm the other half of the cooking duo, Wal Slater, the very unfunny one and my job is to get this cooking show back on track to use railway jargon."

"Guys you all like pasty tubs that have a smear of slightly thick gravy at the bottom and they are colloquially known, and no one knows why, as meat pies. Like all young guys, you like to arrive home from work, spray their armpits, grab a meal and head for the pub or the shelia's place. Well here's the fifteen-minute pie gourmet meal to put you into complete control of your busy evening life and to give you the nourishment you require to drink everyone in your party under the table or to bang away all night on other activity."

"That last bit was unnecessary and crude," shouted a woman.

Dave smirked and said complain to the scriptwriter. He continued on with the meal preparation.

"You fetch home two or more pies, remove the lids while trying not to look inside, cut some meat off mom's Saturday roast like this," he said, cutting an 8-inch cube of meat off the side of beef.

"Trim it like this so the bottom of it fits in the pie base, slap the lid on top of the meat like this and Bob's your uncle. Place it in a pre-heated hot oven for 14 minutes and then eat while you rush off to the pub or the girlfriend. Oh you don't have to eat without a napkin and a half a cup of tomato sauce per pie is recommended. And there you have it."

"But a piece of raw meat that thick wouldn't be cooked through," a woman called indignantly.

"Ma'am if you remember back in the days you were being courted wouldn't you had enjoyed a guy rushing towards you, nostrils flaring and scoffing near-raw meat?"

"Oh yes I would have loved it. By my Herbert was always late because he had to wait until his mum cooked his meal and then made him sit at the table for ten minutes after finishing to assist proper digestion."

"Bad decision. Meat like that probably takes two days to digest ma'am so what is ten minutes?"

"Oh yes. And now I'm thinking of all the..."

Some people called "Sex."

The woman looked flustered until a gentleman called "Courting."

"All the courting I missed."

"Look at it this way ma'am. You and Herbert can make up for that lost courting by not stopping you-know-what until you are satisfied your sex life is complete."

"Oh I hadn't thought of that. You guys really give good tips when fooling around trying to cook."

"Thank you ma'am. Well that completes our show. Remember CityRail is the way to travel. Dave and I have never used the underground City Circle service because we both are afraid of heights. Thank you."

* * *

Jazz (JJ and also known as Jasmine) invited Dave home to watch the show with her parents and sister and some of their extended family. He set off aware Wal would be staying home sulking because the adulterous executive producer Biddie had dumped him for a younger guy. That would hit Wal hard because he was sensitive.

Jazz met Dave at the door and pulled down the top of her strapless dress. He kissed her between the shoulders.

"Dave," she cooed, taking him by the arm and leading him in. "You could be a little shocked by me. I tend to be a bad, bad girl."

Dave's spirits soared and he squeezed her arm against his body to indicate he approved of her confession.

The parents were a good-looking couple as Dave expecting, having a couple of great-looking daughters like that. They also had a son aged seven and Dave wasn't sure what that indicated but he quickly found Barry was a great little kid. He also met and was closely inspected by Sandy's fiancé (she was looking great, especially between the shoulders Dave noted), Aunt Flo and Uncle Royce, Aunt Meg and Uncle Ross and their teenagers Basil, Charlie and Lily, and also grandma and cousin Robyn and her husband.

All of the adults smiled but they were straight-backed, indicating he wouldn't be sharing a viewing like being with mates and their girlfriends in a pub. God they could be Baptist or Brethren. Catholic would be okay and but he could be in trouble if some were Presbyterian.

He worried unnecessary. All the adults cracked up during the show (obviously only Jazz and sister Sandy had seen it before), screaming with laughter at some of the more suggestive bits and even smiling away when he was filmed at the start of the second part after the urination break kissing Jazz and with a hand mashing a breast.

Mother and aunts rushed to kiss Jazz when it ended and he caught the kissing backwash when they'd finished with their daughter/niece.

"You were wonderful Jazz, a really excellent show," Sandy said sweetly, sitting with a six-inch gap between herself and fiancée, making Dave wonder was she gay or at least a slanted bi?

Later when waiting outside with Jazz for his cab to arrive, he was offered a bared shoulder and attacked and took the opportunity to probe very much deeper to indicate she was hooking up with a bad, bad boy.

The cab arrived and panting, Jazz pleaded him not to go, that she would sneak him into her bedroom and that her parents wouldn't protest if they heard the bed-head banging against the wall.

But Dave the gentleman said no.

They kissed deeply and as the vehicle moved off the cabbie drawled, "I'm surprised you're riding with me. Man what a great opportunity you turned down."

"I'm gay."

There was no more conversation during the journey and the cabbie snatched the fare without saying thanks.

Dave and Jazz spoke on the phone twice a day for the next couple days and on Friday evening when they were out dining Dave told her to meet her in The Concourse near were they filmed and to leave her car at home.

"Oooh, where are we going for the night?"

"Melbourne. We'll go to the airport by train to acknowledge my support for rail. NSW Rail is paying big bucks for Wal and Me to do an advertising campaign to stimulate rail travel. We'll be talking to a psychologist about the rigors of train travel and how to deal with the trauma of missing your train."

"Oooh how exciting and going to Melbourne is exciting too. Can't we stay two nights?"

"No I have to be back to work with Wal on Sunday around 4:00 to polish the script for Monday's shoot as camera crews were at a stopwork union meeting all day today held at the Bridgeway Hotel."

"Yes of course my busy man. Oh this will be just like a honeymoon."

Eh?

Wal called him when he was in the station waiting for Jazz.

"I don't know what to do mate, this is like knifing Biddie in the back. Her daughter knew I was playing around with her mother because she'd had lunch out with us on a couple of weekends."

"Well how is that a problem?"

"The daughter has just called me and wants me to date her."

"Oh well Biddie only has herself to blame for dumping you. How old is the daughter?"

"Eighteen and three months. I asked her."

"Jesus mate this could be the end of us on TV if you decide to go ahead."

"So you are telling me not to proceed."

"No not really but it's scary because I enjoy what we are doing and money is beginning to run out of my ears. But what you are being asked to do is not illegal. Do want you want."

"I won't date her if you say no."

"Do want you want to do mate; it's your life. I'm not your mother."

"Are you saying I ought to ask my mum?"

"Jesus mate don't do that. She'll only say no or was that you just attempting to be a comedian? I'll tell you what. I'll give Biddie a call. That's what this call is about isn't it?"