Dead and Horny Ch. 01

Hi all! Annabelle here with something new!

This story was originally going to be a surprise come October, and I was going to upload it once a week until it was done. However, with Covid keeping so many people at home, I wanted you to be able to have something a little extra to read each month in the hopes it would keep you sane.

So surprise, this is the Dana/Lily spinoff novel! It takes place during the events of Book Three, and follows our intrepid trio (Tick Tock is with them) as they try to hunt down missing magic from the Radley house in order to (maybe) bring Dana back to life. You don't have to have read HFHM to understand the story, but it will greatly deepen your understanding if you do.

This sordid tale will go into Lily's surprising backstory, explore Dana's newly dead mentality, and will feature some absolutely amazing cameo appearances that will expand the Monster-verse.

I will be scheduling releases of this chapter in advance, so check my Bio to see when I am planning to drop next chapter of this or HFHM (I intend to spread out posting them).

The community here at Lit has been so good to me, and this is just a little something I am doing to try and help out (and give you something to do this summer). Make sure you help me by leaving comments, reviews, and sending me feedback, I love to read them, and they keep me motivated (especially when I am struggling)!

Enough from me, let's get this party started!

Bar Hopping

The door to the Double Deuce opened with a creak, the hinges protesting loudly. A wave of heat rolled out through the door, carrying with it the scent of oily food, beer, and the delicious aroma of living, breathing human beings.

Dana opened the visor of her helmet and licked her lips, a small chasm opening up inside her stomach. Ever since dying, she had been stripped free of most of her emotions, her ability to feel pain, and even her sense of cold. However, her sense of smell had been amplified, and right now, all she could smell was the delicious bounty of flesh that packed the dimly lit Double Deuce. Every individual had their own unique scent, and a tired waitress who smelled of burger grease, coffee, and sweet potato fries greeted her at the door.

Dana pulled off her helmet, revealing a tumble of shoulder-length blonde hair with streaks of gray in it.

"You... waiting for somebody?" The woman's hair had been pulled back into a ponytail, but several strands of it had already come undone, hanging lifelessly over a face that likely had quit giving a crap about ten years prior. She wore a faded nametag with the name Janice.

"It's just me." Dana's eyes swept across the room, taking in the men who had already noticed her entrance. A couple of bikers in the corner were elbowing their buddies and pointing her out, and a couple of college kids took a break from losing their money at the pool table to ogle her over their beers.

She had never been comfortable getting attention like this when she was alive, but that part of her that felt uncomfortable was dead and gone, leaving only facts. These men could stare all they wanted, and Dana just couldn't bring herself to care.

"Um..." Janice took a quick look around the bar, then back at Dana. "You sure you got the right place, hun?"

What Janice likely meant to say was this is no place for a single woman.

"I saw this place from the main road. Thought I'd stop in for a... bite." Dana tried to grin but ended up baring her teeth instead. Maybe if her parents had signed her up for modeling classes as a child, she would have been able to smile and wave at the judges, convincing them that she was beautiful both on the inside and the outside.

Janice wasn't one to argue, apparently, and just sighed in disappointment. "You got ID?"

Dana held up her wallet. "Been twenty-one for long enough."

Janice shrugged and stepped aside. "Open seats at the bar. You can give your order to the bartender and I'll bring it out from the kitchen."

"Thanks." Dana walked across the Double Deuce and sat toward the end of the counter. The door to the kitchen was to her left, and she could smell grease burning on the grill. Picking up a laminated menu, she flicked off some dried food that clung to it.

"Get you something?" The bartender was a tall man in flannel, and if his beard wasn't so neatly trimmed, Dana would have assumed he stepped out of someone's piss poor lumberjack sex fantasy. His sleeves were pushed up, revealing several different tattoos, including some that looked like they had been done in someone's basement.

"Lemon drop."

The bartender placed both hands on the bar and stared at her for several seconds. She wished he at least had a glass to pretend to be washing, maybe spit in it, give it a polish, and ask what brings her in.

Oh, you know, got murdered by a necromancer and can't properly die and see my loved ones in the afterlife, so am hunting down some lost magical items. You ever had that problem?

"A lemon drop, please. You know how to make one, right?" Dana knocked on the counter impatiently. "Or do you only serve beer here?"

"ID?"

Dana slid her driver's license over. He picked it up and inspected it thoroughly, then tossed it back.

"You want a tab?"

"Cash." Dana pulled a ten from her pocket. The bartender made her some change and then went around the corner to make her drink. Dana spun around on the barstool and surveyed the room, looking for her target.

The front door of the bar opened, and a raven haired beauty in a tight red dress strolled in, her hips rolling with every step. The whole room went silent, watching the buxom bombshell as she walked toward the bar and took a seat on the stool closest to the entrance.

"I've just had the worst day," the woman announced, slamming her hand down on the polished wood. "I just found out my husband is fucking his secretary, my car broke down trying to come out of the valley, and some asshole claiming to be my rideshare bolted with my phone and my purse." She crossed her legs, briefly revealing a flash of lacey black panties that matched her thigh-high boots. "Please tell me there's somebody here who is willing to buy me a drink."

The college boys looked intensely interested, but the bikers stood up and immediately made their way to the bar. Instead of fighting for the woman's attention, the college kids decided to cut their losses, settle up with the pool shark, and make their way to the door, vanishing into the fading light of day.

Dana smirked. It was probably the smartest move of their lives, for the newcomer was not only her partner, but the succubus Lily in disguise.

Dana's lemon drop was set in front of her without a word, the bartender moving away to see what the newcomer was having. Dana gave her glass a little swirl, a small frown on her face.

The first sip should have been sweet, tinged with lemon and a thinly veiled burning sensation that would have warmed her from the chest out. Instead, the flavor was muted, and she had to be careful not to quickly slam the whole thing like poorly flavored water. Her dead taste buds registered just a hint of vodka, but that was it. It pained her to admit that the popular trope about hot sauce and zombies was true, but intense flavors were among the only things she could taste that didn't come from a human being.

"Damn," she muttered in disappointment, her eyes flicking to the three men who had surrounded the stranded motorist. Lily briefly made eye contact with Dana, then turned her attention to the bartender.

"Apparently these men would like to buy me something hard and strong," Lily said, opening her arms and hanging them on the men at her sides. The dress she wore was strapless, and it seemed to shift on its own just a bit lower, threatening to fall away and expose her breasts. "So what do you say, Paul Bunyan? You got anything hard for me?"

A couple of patrons laughed, and a couple more rolled their eyes, but Dana kept her gaze on the rest of the room, wondering who had what they were looking for.

Lily laughed, flirted, and drank. Dana ordered another lemon drop to keep up appearances, and even a plate of nachos. Other than the jalapenos, she couldn't taste most of what was there, reminding her of a time when she had been younger and had her mouth numbed for some dental work. Her tongue had stayed numb for an unusually long time, and the tomato soup she had eaten could have been warm water with salt and pepper in it for all she knew.

An hour passed, followed by another. Dana played on her phone while Lily amused the bikers, playing pool with them, eating their food and drinking whatever they brought her. She was tilting around the room like a barmaid out of control, and Dana was starting to wonder what would happen if the succubus got good and drunk. Would her wings and tail poof into existence? Would she attack someone?

Maybe she should have thought this plan through some more.

"So what's the deal with you and your friend?" Paul Bunyan was back, his dark eyes narrow.

"What do you mean?" Even though he had surprised her, it was easy for her to remain calm as if nothing had happened.

"I've seen you watching her."

"It's a free country. Lots of people are watching her."

"Not like you are. I can see it in your eyes, you know this woman. Are you friends? Or maybe she's your girlfriend, and she does this to make you jealous." He picked up a bottle of beer from under the counter and took a sip off of it. "I'm only asking because I'm the one who has to clean up if the two of you start making trouble."

"How considerate." Dana looked at Lily, then back at the bartender. Would it make things worse if she told him they were trying to find one of his regulars? Naturally, the reason why would have to remain a secret. The man, Ray Scotes, was in possession of a magic item that Dana intended to take from him. No, the truth wouldn't work here, but Lumberjack Holmes was going to need a solid answer that made sense.

Dana leaned across the bar, her voice dropping to a whisper. "Okay, I'll tell you, but you have to keep your mouth shut. Yes, I know her."

Paul Bunyan's lip curled up, but he remained quiet.

"So, it's like this. My friend there, is... well, she's my girlfriend."

The bartender nodded. "And?"

"Well, we kind of have this arrangement. Once a month, we drive down from Wyoming and find a hole in the wall with a couple of horny guys. See, I'm into women, but my girl? She still loves herself a good dicking."

"She seems the type." Dana could smell the arousal on him now like a fine spice, see how he licked his lips. He probably wondered what his chances of an easy lay with Lily were, and Dana wondered a little herself. Lily, ever impulsive, had come along on this trip to help, but Dana was starting to wonder what that help would look like.

"Yeah, well, even though I'm not into guys, it gets me all hot watching her flirt with them, seeing them lust all over her." Dana picked up a nacho and bit a piece of cheese off the front. It was like swallowing a wad of soggy paper. "We aren't gonna cause any trouble, that's not where the thrill is. My girl is going to get some of your patrons off and then the two of us are gonna go back to our hotel, and I'm going to eat her out while she tells me all the dirty things they got up to."

Paul grinned. "Sounds hot."

"Oh, it is. After I eat her out, I pin her to the bed and ride her face until she begs me to stop, just to remind her that she's my bitch. We've done this every month we've been together. Helps keep things fresh."

"You two ever wonder how hot a threesome would be? Why fantasize about seeing her with a man when you could watch it live?" She could almost smell the desperation in his voice. Was this the world that Lily lived in? Were all men this easy to manipulate?

No, it wasn't that. She had met plenty of men throughout her life that had treated her with respect and kindness. She thought of Mike, the man she had been killed for. The necromancer Daryl had turned her into an intelligent zombie for the purpose of breaking into Mike's house and stealing something from him. Daryl had made sure that Dana could never be properly killed, her soul locked on this plane of existence and away from the love of her life, her dearly departed Alex.

Consumed by hunger, she had broken into the house, only to encounter the strange creatures living within. They immediately came to her aid, finding a way to stave off her decomposition and allow her to think for herself. While she was busy considering if Daryl would actually turn her back to normal, or even let her die properly, Lily had gone after the man and killed him.

No. Not all men were easily manipulated. This one though?

"Maybe for our second anniversary or something. Not tonight." She spun around in her stool. "Now if you don't mind, the brain is the most sensitive erogenous zone and you are cock-blocking me."

Paul Bunyan was clearly disappointed but said nothing as he walked away. Janice moved in and out of the kitchen with some burgers for a couple of older men who were content to watch ESPN on the solitary TV over the bar. Lily was now in the corner of the bar with the bikers. One had his arm draped over her shoulders, his fingertips lightly brushing her breasts.

"Excuse me, boys," Lily proclaimed loudly, slurring her words. The rest of the bar had lost interest in her shenanigans, but Dana was still paying attention. "I need to visit the ladies room."

"Need any help?" one of the bikers asked.

"Heh. Maybe in a bit. I just need to... freshen up." She slid a hand up the man's chest and then yanked his hair, tilted his head back, and planted a kiss on him. His buddies cheered them on, and Lily gave them a little wave as she stumbled across the bar and vanished into the bathroom, but not before giving Dana a look.

Dana waited a few seconds and then followed, pushing open the bathroom door. The ladies room smelled like it had been recently cleaned, but looked like it needed to be condemned. The sinks were badly chipped, just like the floor, and neither of the stalls had doors.

"Jesus," Dana muttered, her eyes settling on Lily, who sat on one of the sinks with her legs crossed and a smug look on her face. Gone was the flush of drunkenness, the demon's eyes glowing with hunger.

"I'd prefer you keep that word to yourself, deadhead." Lily turned to look in the mirror, her hair and makeup magically redoing itself. "So, we're not going to find Mr. Scotes here tonight."

"Oh? Why not?"

"Because he hasn't been in for weeks. Now, one of these guys is close friends of his, but I'm going to need a few minutes to get the info we want out of him, if you know what I mean. You're welcome to come if you want." Lily wiggled her eyebrows. "Pun intended."

"That's so funny, I've come back to life and forgotten to laugh." Though she and Lily certainly weren't a couple, what she had said about men had been true. With the exception of Mike, she had no interest in them and never really had. She had many theories as to why Mike was the exception to the rule, but had been unable to come to grips with any of them.

Lily chuckled. "For someone with a muted sense of humor, you're still good for a laugh."

"I have a question. When you were drinking with those men, were you actually drunk, or just pretending?"

"Ooh, I'm afraid that's a trade secret of the demon world. It'll cost you a kiss—"

"Not interested." Dana turned to leave, but Lily grabbed her arm to stop her.

"That was a joke, I was only teasing. When I eat or drink human food, I can process it normally or, well, burn it off instantly."

"That's kind of convenient."

"You would be surprised how much seduction takes place over a plate of tacos. And while I truly hunger for only one thing, the brain really is the largest erogenous zone, even for a succubus."

"I... you heard that?"

"Oh, I have phenomenal hearing. I can't wait to be your bitch later tonight." Lily licked her lips. "Besides, I believe you are overdue for a meal of your own, are you not?"

Dana shrugged. "If we get to it, we get to it." The gnawing sensation in her stomach wasn't too bad, but she was starting to think of the people in the bar as snacks waiting to happen. Still, the idea that she was dependant on the cum that Lily was storing for her didn't sit right. Maybe it was her independent streak, or the fact that it was magical man juice, or even both.

"Liar. Your left eye is gray already."

"Shit." Dana looked in the mirror and saw that Lily was right. The sparkling blue of her left eye was replaced with a flat gray color. She tousled her hair to reveal that more strands of it had gone gray as well, then let out a frustrated sigh. What little life force she had was ebbing away, and this was always the first sign. Based on experience, she would be ready to tear people apart in about three days.

Scowling, she stuck her hand in her pocket and pulled out a contact case.

"Need help?" Lily asked.

"Nah." The contacts did nothing for her vision, but they were colored to match her eyes. She stuck both of them in real quick, then pulled her phone out and set a reminder to take them out later. The last thing she needed was for them to get stuck in there after several days. "Better?"

"Much." Lily hopped down off the sink and planted a quick kiss on Dana's forehead, then pinched her cheek. "Why don't you be a good little girl and get a soda from the bar while Mommy tries to find you a new Daddy."

Dana rolled her eyes and wandered out of the bathroom. The bikers looked up in anticipation but were disappointed to see that it was only Dana.

Sitting back on her barstool, Dana spun around and to pick at her nachos some more. Paul Bunyan was back with a shit-eating grin on his face.

"You girls have a little pre-game conference in there?"

Dana grunted. "Something like that."

"Here." The bartender slid over a piece of paper. "When that two year anniversary rolls around, give me a call."

"Yeah, okay." She took the paper and stuck it in her pocket. "Now, if you don't mind..."

"Right, I'm a ghost." He vanished to the other end of the bar. When he wasn't looking, Dana crumpled up the note he gave her and dropped it on the floor, then used her feet to shove it in the gap between the bar and the floor.

"Asshole," she muttered under her breath. The bathroom door slammed open, and Lily stumbled out, her chest and cheeks flush with excitement.

Picking at her chips, Dana watched for just a few more minutes before setting some cash on the bar and then walking out.

After all, Lily could handle herself.

Stepping out into the cool evening air, she found a quiet spot on the rocks across the street from Double Deuce. She had a great view of not only the bar, but anybody who came in or out. Up above the door, a small neon sign with the Two of Spades and The Two of Hearts flickered weakly.

The Double Deuce was on the northwestern edge of Laporte, Colorado. Any further up the road and you would end up in the mountains, or eventually the Red Feather Lakes region. This area was for mostly locals and people who knew it existed, and the bar was tucked off to the side of the road, sign number one that they weren't trying to attract any attention.

The road was mostly quiet. The school year had just started up for the local college, and she doubted any college kid would ever wander this far out of town, unless there was a good reason for it.

Her own good reason involved a collection of magical items that a snake woman thought could be used to bring her back to life. One of these things had been sold to a thrift shop in Fort Collins called Unearthly Delights. Dana had originally hoped that a simple stop and shop would accomplish the deed, but had been aggravated to discover that Unearthly Delights had burned down in a mysterious fire over the summer.