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Click here"Who's there?" Came the firm tone of Kaleb's neighbor, who was now shining a bright LED flashlight on Aaron and his current location. "Oh yeah! I remember seeing you earlier. You stormed off with such an attitude." Aaron had turned around, wobbly, using the bumpers of the two vehicles to keep his balance as he stared back at Kaleb's neighbor as he stubbed out his cigarette. "If you're waiting for the young lady that had come with you earlier, you may be waiting awhile. She's been in the shop getting a tune-up and some undercarriage work down. And from what I've heard since being outside, I'd safely say Kaleb's taking her on a test drive."
Aaron couldn't believe what he was hearing. His girlfriend was upstairs having sex. The cheating bitch was -no, no. Is- fucking Kaleb. Aaron was just getting ready to say something when the sounds of Stacie's vocals began to harmonize once again. His thoughts of rage and hatred were left to sit on the back burner and boil a while longer however, as the were soon disturbed by the blaring scream of sirens turning down the street and coming to a halt in front of the white house directly across the street from Kaleb's house. Blake had already gone back inside for the evening, leaving Aaron alone outside to watch the late evening events unfold from bad to worse.
Finding himself an opening, no longer concerning himself with the matter of his cheating slut of a girlfriend, he climbed into the backseat of the silver Malibu -thankful she had at least left the car unlocked- and spent the remainder of the night sleeping off his drunken nightmare.
~~~~~~~~~~END~~~~~~~~~~
- COMMENTS
kuhpa01about 8 years agoOkay, very good effort for a first timer. The story is interesting enough that I have read all the way up to the current chapter. You do seem to be showing some improvement.
I know that when the spirit is on you, there is an urgent need to get it written down quickly. Mistakes will be made, but they need to be cleaned up before you post it.
I suggest the following method.
1 - wait at least one day for your brain to cool off
2 - read the story to yourself, slowly, out loud, looking for spelling and grammar errors
3 - each time you find an error, correct it
4 - repeat steps until you are satisfied it is well written in proper English
5 - now read the story again looking for gaps in the logic of the story line itself. There will be some that your fevered brain will have skipped over when you wrote it the first time in the heat of creativity
You might still get negative reviews, but it will cut down on a lot of really simple mistakes that detract from your story.
Keep writing.
beezlebubabout 8 years agoThis is what I'm talking about. This could have been done with 2 sentences.
Giving a slight groan as he yawned, he sat up in the bed and glanced at the alarm clock that had disturbed him only ten minutes ago and swung his legs over the edge. Eight-forty a.m. and his alarm clock wasted no time beginning the soft 'beep' that gradually got louder over time. Making sure this time to turn the alarm completely off, he slowly stood from the edge of the bed and over toward his closet pulling a pair of Levi blue jeans from one of the hangers. Becoming more observant to his surroundings, he was able to faintly hear the annoying caw coming from his neighbor's rooster from down the street. Unable to do anything about that -issue- he grabbed one of his tank tops from the dresser drawer and pulled it over his torso as he headed through the duel sliding dividers separating his bedroom from his -family- room and grabbed his socks, shoes and cell phone.
beezlebubabout 8 years agoDon't get me wrong. This story has potential. The writer just needs to tighten it up...a lot.
beezlebubabout 8 years agoDude,
Are you getting paid by the word?
Jeez...you need to stop giving us a step by step description of a scene. I was so happy this was only a 3 page chapter. I could not take any more.
