Deadly Intent

But did you really? Does having this knowledge make her love less special? Does the it hurt to know that she can give that love away so easily? Since it isn't a rare item anymore, does it make that love less valuable? Does that sadden you?

I hope so. I hope that the pain that you are feeling makes you smarter than I was. I hope that you do what I should have done when I realized that her endearing words of love were nothing but lies.

If you are worried about having to look over your shoulder, don't. I will end this letter with a promise. You don't have to worry about me trying to finish what I started. I won't ever bother you again. You can call the law on me and have me arrested for breaking and entering if you wanted to, but I'm betting that you won't. I'm betting that you realize that your beef isn't with me, just as I realized that mine isn't with you. Wouldn't you rather think of me as the guy who opened your eyes?

I will never bother you again because the two of you are in my past. I need to let go of her and heal. I can survive the pain of losing her. Eventually, I will move on, and she will simply be a bullet that I dodged. What I can't survive is the pain that the comes with constantly hating her. She isn't worth it. Not anymore.

If you want my advice, get rid of her. The loss that you feel when you do that will pale in comparison the what you will go through if you always have to wonder. Everyday, you will ask yourself, "Is this the day that she leaves me for another man?" Trust me when I tell you, watching her walk out of your life is enough to drive a man to do unthinkable things.

Take that advice for what it's worth.

Sincerely Over Her,

Jonathan

+++++++++++++++++++++

THREE YEARS LATER

I checked my watch for the millionth time and glared at the pimply faced teenager who couldn't figure out how to make a simple sandwich. How long does it take? If I'd known he would take this long, I would have gone back there and done it myself.

I was already in a sour mood. It had been 2 ½ years since I was last in this place. There were a lot of bad memories associated with it. My plans were to lock down this contract that my job sent me to do and get the hell out of dodge. If I was lucky, I could do it without running into any ghosts from my past.

"Jon?"

I never was lucky.

I heard my name practically whispered in a surprised tone as I stood in line waiting for my lunch order to be filled. The soft, melancholy voice floated from behind me. I didn't have to turn around to know the owner. I'd memorized it. At one time, hearing her saying my name would have sent my heart into fluttering palpitations.

But not anymore.

I turned to face the beautiful Siren of my past. Rachel. My eyes once again met hers, like they had done so many times before. A strange feeling of déjà vu washed over me.

This was where we had our first date all those years ago. It wasn't exactly a date. It was more like a luncheon with a coworker. At least that what we told ourselves at the time. However, the undeniable physical attraction between us, as well as the growing sexual tension due to flirty banter laced with sexual innuendos made our shared lunch anything but innocent.

At that time, I knew nothing about her husband. To me, she was an available woman. But if I'm being completely honest, I wouldn't have cared much had I known. Once I looked into her eyes and heard her throaty laugh, I was lost. I fell into her spell, under her song, and ultimately met my doom.

Yes, I felt the nostalgia of erotic memories that I'd shared with Rachel. But, there were also other memories that followed. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Insanity.

Rachel flashed a small smile and a wiggly fingered wave when I faced her. "I thought that was you." She said after she gave me a once over.

"Hey Rach." I said as I involuntarily did the same to her. Old habits. She was still a knock-out. I couldn't help but to appreciate it. "Didn't expect to bump into here."

I was pleasantly surprised at how calm my inner demeanor was. My voice was even and filled with genuine cordiality. I didn't have to fake it at all. There was a time when just hearing her name, even if it belonged to another woman, sent me into a tailspin. But here I was, standing before the object of my demise, and I felt completely in control.

"Same here. You fell off the face of the earth when you transferred." Her eyes broke contact for a moment and looked down. There was something resembling melancholy that passed over her face, but it was a quick flash.

I nodded in acknowledgement. "Yeah, well, I had to get away. I needed a change of scenery, you know? I needed...space."

She nodded grimly at what was left unspoken. "Yeah. I think we both needed that."

A moment of awkward silence followed. She looked like she was about to say something else, but I heard my number being called. I had to jerk away from the conversation to acknowledge the server. Once I made eye contact to let him know that the food was mine, I quickly returned my attention to Rachel.

"Well, this is my order. It was good seeing you Rach."

She gave me a thin-lipped smile and exhaled a little too loudly. She appeared to not be finished with this conversation, and a little frustrated that we were cut short. But all she said was, "It was good seeing you too, Jon."

With that I turned away from her to go grab my food. I was all set to leave, but when I passed by Rachel on the way out of the door, she lightly grabbed my arm to stop me.

"Hey Jon, are you in a hurry? I was hoping that maybe we could, you know, talk. There were a lot of things left unsaid between us."

I wanted to refuse her. Memory lane wasn't exactly a walk in the park. But deep down, I knew that she was right. The air did need a bit of clearing.

"Sure. I don't have to be back right away. I'll grab a table over there and wait for you." I said as I pointed out an empty table in the corner of the restaurant. She threw her head back and took a glance over her shoulder to see where I was pointing. Her hair fanned out with the quick motion of her head. If there were cameras pointed at her, that moment could have been slowed down and turned into a million-dollar shampoo commercial.

"Okay. I'll grab my food and join you." She said with a smile.

I settled into my table and began to spread the contents of my lunch out. I was a little irritated because I had a To-Go bag instead of an Eat-In tray, but using my bag as a make shift plate wasn't too bad. About 5 minutes later Rachel sat in the chair opposite of me.

Both of us ate in silence at first. This was her party, so I assumed that she would start things off. While I did have some burning questions that had plagued me for the past few years, I wasn't able to form the words to ask them. I was hoping that she would start talking and kind of lead into what I needed to know.

Apparently, she had the same hope. So, the two of us sat in awkward, tension filled silence. Chewing. Neither one of us was trying to make eye contact with each other. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her looking over at the far wall. I was also doing the same.

Finally, she softly asked, "Why did you do that to me Jon? Why did you ruin my life?" I looked at her and saw her eyes were filled with tears.

"The gun, or the letter?"

"Both. The letter mostly. I actually understand the gun, believe it or not."

"But you don't understand the letter? Really?"

She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "No I don't. Not really. I can understand you wanting to kill me, though I would never believe that you could go through with it. You're too good of a guy. But I would never expect you to go out of your way and intentionally hurt me like that. You set out to ruin my life with that letter. The way it was written - it was like you purposely chose wording that would do the most damage. I thought you were different than that."

I couldn't get a hold of what I felt hearing her say that. I was irritated mostly. She broke my heart as effortlessly as a child would break fine china, and here she was judging me for what I did in retaliation? Not even judging me for trying to kill her. THAT she understood. She was hurt that I told the truth about her.

Despite my righteous indignation, There was something else that I was feeling too. Believe it or not, I also felt guilty. Not guilty for what I did to her, but why I did it.

After l got past the pain, I was able to look back on my time with Rachel. All the memories that I had with her, all of the confessions of love, they weren't mine to have. They were his. I felt badly because I didn't do what I did because it was the right thing to do. I wasn't being honorable. I did it as a knee-jerk, passive-aggressive act of revenge for a broken heart.

She was right. I was different than that. I had always been raised to do the right thing. My father taugt me better than that. But the entire time I spent with her after I found out that she was married, I was someone that I didn't recognize.

But I'll be damned if she is the one to judge me!

"You thought I was different than that? Are you serious? No, what you thought was that I would simply disappear and keep your dirty little secret. I'm not the one who cheated on your husband, Rachel. That was all you. I didn't know him. I didn't love him. But you did. You took those vows with him, and then you broke them with me. Now, you want to put the fallout of your failed marriage on me because I told him what YOU did to him? I'm calling bullshit on that one. If you want to blame someone for your marriage falling apart, look in the mirror."

Her head snapped to me, our eyes finally connecting. I saw small embers of an angry fire behind them, but they died quickly. She couldn't fight the truth. She knew I was right. After a moment, her eyes once again broke contact, this time facing downwards at her food.

"You're right." She reluctantly acknowledged.

Another awkward silence threatened to engulf us, so I decided that it was my turn step up and ask what had been secretly bugging me, even after all this time.

"Why didn't you choose me? If your marriage was as bad and loveless as you claimed it was, why did you stay in it? After all of those times that you told me you loved me, and all of the plans that we made, you still stayed with him. Why?"

She chewed on fry to avoid having to answer right away. I waited her out until she spoke again. It was her turn to keep this going. I wasn't going to bail her out by speaking first.

"I did love you, Jon. I did. I wanted to leave him and run away with you. When I was with you, it was like the entire world stopped moving. Nothing else mattered. When I was away from you, I was dreaming up ways to see you again."

"But?" I asked when she paused for a moment longer than she should have. I was afraid that she was running out of momentum.

"But I loved him too. I'm sorry. I did. I know that I told you that our marriage was in trouble. For a while, it was."

Her eyes got a faraway look in them before she continued. "We were both really young when we met. In fact, I'd just turned 20 a few months prior. It was all about sex then. We couldn't keep our hands off each other.

After just 6 months of dating, we got married. We didn't even have a proper wedding. That didn't matter at the time. The only thing we cared about was pledging our love for eternity.

The first few years were great. We had sex every chance that we could in every place that was semi secluded. We couldn't go for more than a few hours without calling each other when we were separated. We even showered every morning together before we went to work.

Then, things became strained between us. Our jobs started to demand more of our time. Bills needed to get paid. We started having less time for each other because we were always working.

When he got promoted, we thought it was an answer to our prayers. But it wasn't. It actually made the gap between us bigger. He was gone more because he had more responsibility. On top of that, I still had to work because even with him getting paid more, it wasn't enough. It seemed like when I was home, he wasn't, and vice versa. Then, when we were home together, all we wanted to do was sleep and rest."

"That's when you met me." I interrupted, putting that piece together. She nodded.

"Yeah. When I met you, I'd forgotten how it felt to be desired and infatuated. I mean, men had always looked at me, but something was different with you. You made me FEEL it; like he did when we first got together.

That opened a world that I'd closed off inside of myself. The flirting, the sexy banter, all of it made me feel desirable. When I tried to reignite the sex life between Rob and I, he became frustrated. So, I stopped trying. With him that is."

She looked up at me and caught my eye. I nodded in acknowledgement at her statement.

"So, I'm guessing I was just supposed to be the workplace booty call. Right?"

This time, she was the one who nodded. "At first. You were actually supposed to be a one-time thing."

"What changed?"

She looked at me with a coy smile and said, "You. You were so good at it that I couldn't stop."

I had to laugh at that. "Thanks for the ego boost."

"It wasn't meant as an ego boost. I was just telling you why I continued with you."

"Okay. So, you wanted a fly by night work romance, but I laid it down so well in the bedroom that you couldn't stop. No ego boost over here. Please, feel free to continue." I said with a playful smirk on my face as I sipped my drink.

"Anyways..." she said, shooting me a playful look as she threw a napkin at me. "I continued to see you. The more I saw you, the closer I became with you. I was slowly slipping out of love with my husband."

This bouncy banter between us was reminiscent of a time long passed. But, this conversation wasn't meant to reignite those feelings. It was meant to get answers that we needed.

"Why didn't you just divorce him?" I asked, snapping us back. The playfulness was gone with that question, and the conversation was once again serious.

Her face fell into a somber expression. "Honestly, I don't know. I was certainly planning on it. I even spoke to divorce lawyers. I kept telling myself that I'd do it eventually. All I needed was the right time."

"But you never did. Even though you always told me that you would." I paused and rested my elbows on the table, clamping my hands together at the top and forming a triangle. I then rested my chin on my fists. With an exhale, I said, "You wanna know what I think? I think there was never a right time because you were never actually going to do it. Am I right?"

She wiped a tear from her eye and nodded her head. "Yes."

I pursed my lips up into a frown and bit back the vapid response that was trying to come out. I liftd my head up, took a deep breath, and chose my words next words carefully.

"You're going to have to help me out here Rach, because it sounds to me like you're a heartless bitch."

Okay. I guess I didn't choose my words carefully enough. Still, my response was an honest one.

She looked at me with hurting eyes that were filled with surprise. I jumped in and continued.

"You want me to believe that you aren't this monster that I think you are. But the facts paint a different picture. You were married, and you had me believing you were single. When I found out that you were married, you had me believing that it was in jeopardy, even though you just admitted that you had no real intention on ending it. I was initially supposed to be a part time fuck buddy, yet you went on dates with me, spoke about having a future with me, and even had my fucking kid. We even looked for houses together, for God's sake! You even picked out the one that was just like what you dreamed your house would look when you were a kid. But after all of that - ALL OF THAT - you sit here and tell me that it was just some fantasy for you. I was a distraction to keep you entertained while you waited for your marriage to get back on track."

"it sounds so evil when you put it like that." She said, still hurt by my attack on her. I huffed out a cynical laugh.

"It does, doesn't it? You should have told me that you were just playing a game to spice up your life. Maybe then I wouldn't have gotten my heart involved."

She took a minute to gather herself before she responded. "I wasn't trying to play you Jon. Things between us went faster than I thought they would, and I started getting confused. But you can't honestly sit there and play the unsuspecting victim. Yeah, I didn't tell you that I was married, but you found out at that Christmas party. Did you leave? No, you still stayed. You knowing engaged in a relationship with a married woman for YEARS! You didn't give a fuck about my husband. In fact, you wanted me to ditch him and put you in his place. Your sanctimonious need for truth and justice only came out after I didn't choose you. I may be a cheating piece of shit, but guess what? SO ARE YOU! At least I have the decency to own up to it after all this time. So please get down off your high horse and stop judging me like you were some unwitting dupe!"

We were quiet for a moment, like we needed a break. I hated to admit it, but there was a lot of truth to what she was saying. I did have a hand in all of this. Sure, she still gets the lions share, but I made a significant contribution to the shit splattering after it hit the fan. The only true victim in all of this was Rob.

Still, she was insane if she felt that I was just as guilty as she was.

"Be that as it may, you still lied to me. Not just about being married, but about how little your marriage meant to you. You kept telling me that the two of you were on the rocks, but I saw the way that he looked at you that night; the way the two of you looked at each other. There was genuine love there. You led me to believe that there wasn't because you knew that if you told me the truth, I wouldn't have fallen in love with you."

"So, that's what you think? You think that I concocted this entire scheme to get you to fall in love with me so that I could drop you at the last minute? Come on Jon!" She shifted in her seat and crossed her arms. We sat in silence, listening to my watch tick the seconds by. All around us, people were conversing and eating merrily, as if we didn't exist. Funny how life works. No matter how much distress your world is in, everything else moves without any hesitation.

"Look Jon." She started again, breaking the silence. "When you were supposed to be temporary, I didn't tell you about Rob because I felt that it didn't matter. The plan was to get together, have a little stress reliever, and then go our separate ways with fond memories. Deep down, I always thought that my marriage would get back on track eventually. I figured we were in a win-win situation. I get a mental break from a distant marriage, and you get free, no strings attached sex. What I didn't count on was you being so funny and sweet. I didn't expect for us to have the kind of sex that we had. The way you touched me, kissed me, loved me. It was...beautiful. You made me feel beautiful. I should have stopped it after that time. You were trouble for me. But I didn't. After a while, I started to feel more drawn to you. When that happened, it became harder to tell you. Then the Christmas party happened."

"Yeah. The Christmas party." I said ruefully as I had an onrush of memories surrounding that night. To find out that the woman I was falling in love with was actually married to someone else was a gut punch to the infinitieth degree.