Deadly Intent

She shrugged her shoulders. "You say that Rob and I looked so in love that night. That's the way we looked to everyone. Everyone thought that we had the perfect marriage. We were good at that; pretending like everything was all good."

"But you chose him in the end, so it couldn't have been all fake."

She gave a sort of nostalgic smile before she spoke next. "Something happened between us. I couldn't place my finger on exactly when or what it was. But something snapped. Maybe it was on his end, or maybe I was just putting out a different vibe. I don't know. All I know is, we just started clicking again. It was like we'd been in this dense fog for so long that we'd forgotten about the sunlight. Then suddenly, everything cleared away and we finally saw each other."

I huffed and shook my head. Then I smiled bitterly and said, "You just had that pesky fling on the side that you had to get rid of."

She reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "You may have started that way, but you became so much more. You can be angry at me for a lot of things. Lord knows you have options to choose from. But I can't let you think that I came to the decision to let you go easily. It was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do."

I snatched my hand away from her. Who cares how hard it was for her to break my heart? It doesn't unbreak it. In fact, it came off as pretty selfish. Was she now the victim?

"What about our son?" I said, switching tracks. I was done listening to how much she didn't want to hurt me. It was time to move on to another subject that plagued me.

"Bobby? What about him?"

"Does he know about me?"

She once again had eyes full of tears. "No. He's only six; way too young to process that. Luckily he was young enough to not fully understand what was happening between his father and I. All he knows is that daddy doesn't live with us anymore, but he still gets to spend a lot of time with him. He gets double presents at Christmas and on birthdays, and his dad comes over and takes him out for ice-cream. IF I do tell him about you, it'll be many years later." She wiped her eyes, then she thought of something. She looked at me through narrowed slits and asked, "Why do you ask about him?"

"Just curious I guess. You know I've always wanted son. I told you that. Now, here I have one, and I haven't been there for any part of his life. It's just hard for me, that's all."

She continued to eye me suspiciously. "You're not planning on making a mess about Bobby, are you? If you are, don't." She said with in a voice that was both a warning and a threat.

"Look Rach. I'm not trying to mess things up for you. I'm really not. But you have to understand what I'm going through. I have a son that knows nothing of me. You forget that I wanted to take you away and make a life for you. When you told me that you were pregnant, and that it was probably mine, I dreamed of a future with you and Bobby in it. You snatched that dream away from me."

She stared at me incredulously, and then her face turned angry. "What you're going through? I have to understand what you're going through? You've been gone THREE YEARS without even picking up the phone to see if Bobby was okay. I haven't seen ONE child support check from you, and you haven't even attempted to get started doing that. So, don't you dare sit there and try to lay claim to him like you've been cheated."

"The reason why I didn't was because I was your dark little secret for four years. I couldn't be there for my son because if I was, you would have had to tell your husband who his real father was."

"Okay. I get that. What's your excuse for the last three years?" She challenged me. "After you blew up my life and told Rob everything, why didn't you try to be there for your son then?"

"I had to get away from you. If I stayed, I would have done something crazy. I left for all of our safety."

She sat back in her chair and glared angrily at me. "So, you left your son behind - the son that you've always wanted - because you couldn't control yourself around the mother?"

"Don't you turn this around on me! You broke my heart!"

She leaned forward and shot me a defiant stare. "I'm not turning anything around on you, Jon. I'm making a point. Yes, I broke your heart. I'm a terrible person to be in a relationship with. But you know who else's heart got broken? Robert's. I broke his worse in fact; but guess what? HE STAYED AROUND FOR BOBBY! He may not have wanted to be married to me anymore, but he loved HIS son enough to figure out a way to be in his life. He is Bobby's father, and has been for all six years. He is the one on the birth certificate. He's been the one looking after him for the last three years, even though he knows that Bobby isn't biologically his. He picks Bobby up from the babysitter's when I can't, and he has him every other weekend at his house. He even makes sure that I have all of Bobby's favorite foods in the house when I don't have the money to do so. Would you do that?"

My only answer was silence. It didn't matter anyway. She wasn't expecting anything profound as a reply.

She continued. "Robert's earned the right be Bobby's father. Not you. I'm not looking to mess that up for either of them. I've already done enough. So, I'm sorry that you feel like you got the short end of that stick, but it is what it is. I'm looking out for what's best for Bobby, and you aren't it."

As much as I wanted to deny it, she was 100% right. I felt a stab of jealous pain at the statement that her ex-husband was a better father than I was, but I couldn't dispute the facts. I didn't have much room in my life for a kid; at least not one birthed under these conditions.

I wasn't the best option for Bobby because, in the end, I wouldn't be able to be there for him like the man who raised him was. I wouldn't be a constant presence in his life. I'd made a life in another city. I did want a family, but I wanted it all. I wanted the wife to go along with the children. Selfish? Maybe. But not as selfish as it would have been to destroy what Bobby had in Robert Senior because I had some technical claim on his parentage. He had a father right here who honorably stepped up to the plate. He chose Bobby, even with all the unpleasantness surrounding him.

"You're right." I said as I nodded in acquiescence. She visibly relaxed and took a deep breath, like she'd been holding it for a minute.

"I only have one last question Rach. If you had to do it all over again, would you have done things differently? Would you have chosen me?"

She thought about it for a minute, and then she looked at me with a strange look. I couldn't tell what it was, but it seemed like she was trying to figure out the best way to say what she wanted to say.

"Yes. I would have done things differently, but not like you think." She paused and gave me that look again. This time, I deciphered the meaning of it. She was trying not to hurt my feelings. "If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't have gotten involved with you in the first place. I fell in love you, and that stopped me from working on my marriage. As much as I loved you, I'd always loved him more. I didn't realize that until it was too late because I wasn't honest with you or myself. I had the love of two great men, and I lost them both because I didn't listen to my heart from the beginning."

Even though I was over the pain of the past, it still hurt to hear that our time together was a mistake in her mind. I agreed with her, but it still felt like another rejection.

However, it was exactly what I needed to hear. I also believe that was what she needed to tell me. She had to say those words aloud to give them life. They had probably rattled around in her head since her husband received the letter. Saying them aloud, and hearing them being said, gave a sense of closure between us. We could both close the book on that chapter of our lives and put it away permanently.

Our lunch was over not long after that. There was nothing left to say. As we left the restaurant, we said our goodbyes. We even gave each other one last hug goodbye. Then, she took a left as I took a right. Each step that we took brought us farther and farther apart as we exited each other's lives for the final time. Neither of us turned to look back at the retreating form of the other person.