Dear Customer Service

Acme Dildo and Vibrator Company

Avenue of the Americas

New York, New York

Dear Customer Service,

I bought my wife your two in one handy dandy dildo and vibrator, only it doesn't always work as advertised. We checked the batteries and have inserted the device inside of her this way and that way, even sideways a little bit, but she doesn't come close to having, you know, the big O, an orgasm. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm doing something wrong, but as soon as she becomes a little excited, as soon as she feels a bit of a tingle, the thing stops. It just quits.

To be honest with you, it was her idea to buy the thing in the first place. I was perfectly happy with how our sex, I mean, love life was before with this kind of a supplemental aid. I'm perfectly capable in that department, if you know what I mean. I'd just push her back in the hay in the barn, lift up her dress, pull down her panty a little bit, unbutton my overall, and do what I had to do and be done without having to delay myself from finishing up my chores.

"Slam bam, thank you Ma'am," she said.

"Thank you, Ma'am," I said not knowing what else to say to her.

We're newlyweds. Never having been married before, I took her as my bride when her car broke down on the road near my back forty. I'm older than she is by twenty years. She said she was an out of work working girl, meaning, I guess, that she's always had a job and has always been working. She never really told me what she did before, but I figured she was a carpet or floor layer 'cause I found knee pads in her bottom drawer.

Now every time we have sex, I mean, make love, we exchange those same romantic pleasantries.

"Slam bam, thank you, Ma'am," she says and "Thank you, Ma'am," I say back to her.

We both laugh, until she hauls back and kicks me in the balls, but that's only her way of showing affection. I'm going to have to teach her not to kick so hard. She kicks harder than my mule.

At first, I figured that I was doing something wrong with this automated dildo, vibrator device, so I went to read the instructions, but they are written in Spanish. I asked Pedro, one of the men who works for me out in the field, a day laborer, to read the directions. He told me that, much in the way of a two man auger, that this model that I had is a two man vibrator and dildo. I was amazed. I never heard of such a thing.

"Si, Signor," he said, which is pretty much all he ever says, but I have a funny feeling that he understands more English that he admits to knowing.

Now, I don't know if I bought the wrong vibrator and dildo, I'm kind of suspecting that I did. Had I known there was a one man dildo and vibrator and a two man dildo and vibrator, I would have paid more attention to the literature on the box, only that's written in Spanish, too. Don't you people make an American model? You're located in New York, after all. The back of the thing says made in China. What the Hell?

Here I was trying to be gentle and Pedro is telling me that this contraption is more like an auger. I don't get it. She already has a hole and it's not like I'm trying drill or dig her another one in her. Do you know what I mean?

Now, I'm farmer, a simple man, and not as knowledgeable in a woman's anatomy, as Pedro seems to be. He's from the big city, Mexico City, a city with more people in it than New York. I don't know nothing other than my farm and my small town. Now, if one of my cows, pigs, chickens, or horses was having a medical problem, I'd know what to do. Only, my wife is built a little different than a farm animal.

Pedro confided in me that he has a lot of sisters and there were plenty of times, when he was lonely, well, maybe I shouldn't mention any of that in this letter. Nonetheless, it's their way, I guess, to know about such things and the intimate needs of women. I never had any sisters, just four brothers and yeah, there were plenty of times, when I was lonely, well, maybe I shouldn't mention any of that either in this letter.

Yet, suffice to say, that Pedro knows his way around this particular part of a woman's body. I'm lucky to have such a handy man working for me and I'm so grateful to him for lending me a helping hand with this dildo and vibrating auger. I know by the way that my wife smiles at Pedro that she is very appreciative of his help, too.

The first time I asked Pedro to come back to the house with me, seeing that it was a two man dildo and vibrator, if he could help me and figure it out by using it on my wife. I thought my Mrs. was going to have a heart attack with the hissy fit she took, when I pulled back the covers and exposed her, you know what, to Pedro. I told my wife to view Pedro, as if he's a doctor and not to be so modest and that with all the sisters he has, he's knowledgeable about such things.

To be completely honest, hers is the first time I've seen one of those things, pussies, up close. They are a weird contraption, aren't they and nothing like a man's member. She even has a miniature penis, too. That was weird. It made me wonder if she used to be a man. She kicked me in the balls, again, when I asked her that.

Still, it made me feel weird, gay kind of, touching her little penis thingy. She insists that is how the vibrator part of the handy dandy dildo and vibrator is supposed to work by massaging her little penis. I can't do that. I haven't touched one of those since my brother, Clem, well never mind about that. Anyway, she settled right down, once Pedro started inserting that dildo and using the vibrating auger on her.

Pedro said something about a G spot and he had my wife remove her nightgown so that he could look for it. He was all over her titties looking for that thing. Now, I'm not musically inclined, never had a lesson, can't carry a tune and when Pedro started talking about a G spot, as if my wife was a note on a scale, well he lost me.

Anyway, to make a long story short, since the instructions are written in Spanish and I'm 100% American, born, bred, and having lived all my life in Texas, just over the border from Mexico, I don't understand a word of Spanish. Pedro suggested that since it is a two man dildo and vibrating hand held auger kind of contraption, and since I didn't understand a word of Spanish, that he'd get his friend Ramon to help.

I assured my wife that it was okay for the two men to see her neked. Hell, we all saw her neked down at the swimming hole last summer. She thought she was alone but the boys and I could see her swimming with that door-to-door salesman, but that's another story for another time.

It's no secret that she has different parts. It isn't like my farm hands were going to rape her or something. They were just kind enough to come in from working in the fields to help us with this medical problem, if you want to use medical as a code word, since my wife doesn't want me to call it a sexual problem.

Anyway, Pedro held one end of it, while Roman had his finger in and up there to make sure that Pedro had clear access and the hole didn't slam shut on them. I kind of suspect that she peed herself because she was soaking wet. Anyway, everything seemed to be working fine, until Roman read the directions and told Pedro that it isn't a two man dildo and vibrator but a multi-man dildo and vibrating auger.

"Hot damn! No wonder why it doesn't work. And who would buy such a thing, a multi-man dildo and vibrating auger, unless the man using on his wife had a lot of brothers. Hey, maybe Christmas, I'll have my brothers try this out on her."

"Si Signor."

Now, to tell you the truth, I wasn't born yesterday and I figured that Pedro and Ramon was just telling me that to, you know, get out of working in the fields. Only, while trying to pleasure, I mean, help my wife with her medical problem by using this multi-man dildo and vibrating auger on her, I felt bad for the men. They worked so hard to get that thing working on my wife and all to no avail. All she did was scream. I thought she was in pain in the way she was howling. Only, I think she was just frustrated. I never heard her act that way before, praying to God in the way she was.

"Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!"

It wasn't until Pedro and Ramon called Antonio, Mario, Jose, and a couple of the other fellas that I'm embarrassed to tell you that I don't even know their names. To me, all these guys look alike. I mean, when I'm in the fields working bent over, I only see their asses and don't never pay any mind to their faces. They're just farm hands to me.

Anyway, Pedro, Ramon, Antonio, Mario, Jose, and three of four of my other men, finally figured it out. Only, it was so hot in my little bedroom and I told them it was okay that they strip down, take off their clothes, and get neked, just as we do sometimes when working the fields and it's just so hot, too hot to wear all them clothes. It was no big deal, I turned the light off and closed the bedroom door. I left them there working on my wife's medical problem, which is really a sexual problem, if you know what I mean, while I drove into town to pick up supplies.

When I returned two hours later, my wife was smiling ear to ear. I guess my Mexican fellas figured out that dildo and vibrating auger combination because now, every time I go to town, my Mrs. wants me to call in the fellas to thank them again and again. Bless her heart. And these Mexicans were so happy and nice that they even gave my wife some money, bless their hearts.

So, what started out as a letter of complaint has ended as a letter of endorsement. You've done something with your combination, handy dandy dildo and vibrating auger that I've been unable to do in all the nine months that I've been married to my Mrs. You've made her happy, medically, I mean, sexually satisfied, if I can write that publically without my Reverend telling me that I'm sinning against God by using the S-E-X word.

Thank you for a great product.

Luke Roy Rogers

X X X X X

Dear Mr. Rogers,

Thank you for your endorsement of our product, a true testimonial actually. It's always a delight for us to hear from a satisfied, no pun intended, customer.

We can't believe, I mean, we find it hard to believe that you're so gullible, I mean, we're happy that you're genuinely satisfied with our product.

A few of the fellas here in the office would like to know if you have any pictures. If you don't perhaps, Pedro and/or Ramon could take some, the next time your Mrs. is thanking the boys for helping her use her sexual toy, I mean, medical instrument.

We'd like to post the photos of your wife and your farm workers on the bulletin board and perhaps, make it our new cover for our generation 2 Handy Dandy Dildo and Vulva Massaging Vibrator coming out soon. We, of course, would give you a free generation 2 Handy Dandy Dildo and Vulva Massaging Vibrator to you, as our gift for your participation. Unfortunately, those instructions would also be written in Spanish, as well, and you would need the continued help from your day laborers for her to use it.

Sincerely,

Cecil Smith

X X X X X

Dear Mr. Smith,

Hot damn. Yeah, sure, I'll get you some pictures of her with the fellas pronto. Thank you so much. Wait until I tell my Mrs. that she'll be on the cover of your new product.

We also have more good news. My wife is pregnant. She wants to name the baby Pablo, if it's boy, or Maria, if it's a girl. I'm not sure why she likes those names. For obvious reasons, I wanted to name the baby Roy if it's a boy and Dale if it's a girl.

Luke Roy Rogers