Dear Dora (Confused)

Dear Dora,

I'm afraid I find myself in a most uncomfortable situation, and I hope you have some insight and advice on how I should precede.

As usual in these situations, I created this quandary myself.

We are good friends with our neighbors, which I guess is a rarity nowadays. We visit regularly with all the families who live in houses around ours, play cards often with the couple next door, and we are members of the neighborhood association, neighborhood watch group, PTA, and our local church. Several of the husbands in the neighborhood have what they call their "garage sports association," which is their way of saying they get together at each other's houses and watch football, basketball, or baseball in their garages on weekends ... an excuse to have "man talk" and drink beer, I guess. I like to socialize with the other women in the area, as we have so much in common ... kids, schools, jobs, houses, marriage, etc.

So, we didn't find it unusual for our immediate neighbors, let's call them "the Smiths," to ask us to watch their house while they were away on an extended vacation earlier this year. We were asked to water their plants, shovel their walks if it snowed, and feed their cat. I was given a key to their house, and some phone numbers in case there was some kind of a problem.

The Smiths live on our street, two houses down from us, on the opposite side of the street. Mike (Mr. Smith) is a member of the "garage sports association," and I think of Sally (Mrs. Smith) as one of my best friends. Our kids have played together, walked to school together, and had birthday parties and slumber parties together.

I caused myself a problem, I guess, by snooping around their house when I was in there one day to feed the cat and water the plants. I found something which is very disturbing, and now I am conflicted about what to do.

If I hadn't looked at inappropriate personal things, I wouldn't know the disturbing facts about this family (and many others, including my own family ... I'll get to that in a moment); on the other hand, I did look, and now I can hardly stand by and let these terrible behaviors continue right under my nose.

I was in Melanie's bedroom watering her plants. Melanie is their eighteen-year-old daughter -- she is the same age as our son, Bert, and they attend the same high school. Bert and Melanie have been friends and play mates since infancy, and I thought I knew her pretty well.

That's why I was shocked when I read her Diary. I know I shouldn't have even looked at her personal things, but her Diary was right there, under several boxes in the back of her closet, so it was almost impossible for me not to see it. True, it was locked, but it practically fell open after only a few minutes with a safety pin.

In her Diary, Melanie's early writing (starting at age fourteen) was about typical teenaged girl things ... she writes about her longing to be prettier (although she is quite an attractive girl) and more popular, her crushes on hunky tv, movie, and pop singing stars, and the social ins and outs of her school life.

After years of daily entries, about the time of her summer vacation right after her last birthday, something darker appears in her writing. Although at first, what it might be is not explicitly spelled out in her entries, eventually I was able to piece together that she had become sexually active, in particular with my son, Bert.

I was not really surprised to discover this, although I suppose I was disappointed as all parents must be when they learn that their child has become a sexually active adult, with all the dangers, risks, and emotional trauma that often involves. If that was all I had learned, I would have been ashamed of myself for prying, and simply put the Diary away and let it go (although I admit I would have kept a closer eye on the two of them when they were together.)

More disturbing, though, were later entries that indicated that she had also become involved with one of the adult men in our neighborhood -- one of her friends' fathers. Her entries then began to be extremely explicit -- every biological detail of their couplings detailed. Some of the details revealed to me who that person was, and I'm ashamed to admit, that was only because of an earlier indiscretion of my own.

Years ago, I had gotten involved with one of the husbands with whom we played cards frequently. How it happened was easy enough to imagine: we were left alone cleaning up after a card game one evening while my husband and his wife were taking care of the children. Ron Johnson (the other man's name) "accidentally" touched me inappropriately a time or two until it became obvious that these touches were no accident. I guess I was in that vulnerable time in any marriage when I was having doubts about my attractiveness, and I was flattered and excited by his attentions.

One thing led to another, as they say, and we were soon necking and petting seriously. We would have gone "all the way" that evening, except that there simply wasn't time before his wife came back from their children's' bedrooms to help us finish "cleaning up."

I was flustered and ashamed, and went though the motions of finishing the clean up from the card party, and hurried home to my husband, who was waiting for me in order to have the opportunity to take home the babysitter. Coincidentally, the babysitter was Melanie Smith. After the rush of excitement that evening, and a little guilt the next morning, I thought no more about my minor indiscretions with Ron. I certainly never intended it to become anything more serious.

Ron, though changed all that when he dropped by late the next morning. He knocked on my door, and when I answered it, I was stunned to see him there. It was obvious to me what he intended -- he had specially taken off work, and was standing there grinning at me through the storm door.

I don't know what possessed me, but I opened the door to let him in, and without a word, he came in, pushed the door closed behind him, and took me in his arms. We picked up from where we had left off the previous evening, and were soon in the bedroom, where we did everything, including things I had never done before, even with my own husband.

Ron and I spent the entire day in the bedroom, and he only left because it would soon be time for the kids to get home from school. As illicit lovers do, we found sneaky ways to be together several times a week for several months. Eventually, the thrill of secretly cheating was overcome by the same boredom any routine brings, and we started seeing each other less often. We never actually "ended" it, but after nearly a year of steamy sex, we have simply quit doing it.

The point of this is that I became "intimately" familiar with Ron's personal anatomy. He has an oddly-shaped penis, with a streak of whiter skin on one side -- almost as if it had been burned in childhood, leaving it bent, scarred and discolored. The odd shape, frankly, added to the physical pleasure Ron gave me, but the point is, these features are completely unique to him.

So it was with horror that I read in Melanie's Diary that the adult man she was sleeping with had these exact features. Clearly, Ron was having an affair with this young teenager!

I have several problems with this:

First, if I mention to Melanie's parents that she and my son are sexually active with one another, they will want to know why I think so, and I have nothing other than the Diary to back up any such assertion. The two of them don't openly date, and don't seem to spend much time together. I know I have had no indication from Bert directly that he looks on Melanie as a girlfriend or even as a "hot" girl. They are the picture of discretion. If I mention this, I'm afraid that I will simply reveal my own indiscretion of peeping at Melanie's Diary.

Second, I am worried about Melanie's relationship with Ron Johnson. Ron is a married man, at least twenty years older than she is, and she is a naive girl; surely she doesn't think that her tryst with Ron will lead to anything but sexual gratification. But again, even though laws are being broken here, and she may be damaged by this affair, I feel there is nothing I can do without revealing my own sordid spying on my friends.

Third, I realize that after Ron's loss of interest in our affair together and the start of his affair with Melanie, I feel irrationally jealous. I want to hurt the two of them so badly for having something I can no longer have, that I'm not sure I can be rational about this. I am completely ashamed of this reaction, but I don't want to end up doing something or saying something that will bring shame and recrimination down on all of us (especially me.)

I am also confounded by another connection I have made, and that is that both Ron and my son Bert have been having sex regularly (and irregularly, too!) with Melanie. This has caused me some very confusing mental images in which I superimpose myself onto my mind's eye image of Melanie during sex with these two, and I substitute my own son for my memory of Ron in our passionate moments. I am beginning to have dark, strong feelings about my own son!

Dear Dora, what should I do?

Confused in Connecticut

Dear "Confused,"

It's no wonder that you are confused. You have taken several separate problems and tangled them up in your mind in such a way that they are seemingly impossible to untangle. But, like many problems, the solution is to simply tackle them one problem at a time.

First, you are feeling guilty and conflicted about your spying, lying, cheating, and catting around on your husband and friends.

Second, you are jealous of the sex (you don't mention anything about love) life of your neighbor, Ron Johnson.

Third, you are both concerned about and, I think envious of, Melanie's sex life.

Finally, you are worried that you are becoming sexually obsessed about your own son.

I would like to point out that you actually have several other problems which you seem to have overlooked, but which I think you need to address as well.

First, Ron is bounder, and his wife, Sally, knows it. She left you alone with him after the card party long enough for you two to get down to "necking and petting seriously." How long does it take to look in already-sleeping kids? My guess is she likes to watch, and knew full-well that Ron was putting on the full-court press. Look back on your times together with him, and I think you'll find that there is no easy explanation for where she was during the times you two spent together, not to mention the time Ron spent with Melanie during the same period and who-knows-who else? Did you ever meet at his house to have sex? Did Ron have any really good explanations for where his wife was during these episodes, or was she just "gone" somewhere conveniently? Does Ron's bedroom either have louvered doors on their closet or a really large mirror overlooking the bed? If so, you should be aware that Mrs. Johnson was probably getting off watching the two of you.

Second, did your husband maybe suggest Melanie as the babysitter? Where the heck was Bert? Why did you even need a babysitter with a teenager living in your own house? My guess is that Bert and your husband have been double-teaming Melanie for some time. Even if not, chances are that your card games were a great time for Melanie and Bert to get it on together. If this never occurred to you, I assure you it did occur to your husband, and I'd be stunned if hasn't had some of this action himself.

So, let's take these problems in order.

1) There's no reason you should feel guilty about spying on the Smiths. Do they "watch" your house when you're on vacation? If so, I guarantee they have been through every drawer and looked under every bed in your house. If you made a copy of this letter to me for yourself, I would lay even odds that they have seen it and are all aware of what you know, and will be eagerly looking for this response. I say keep looking. Next time you're in their house, look in the adults' underwear drawers. I'm betting you'll find even more good dirt. If so, please write again; it sounds like you live in a little "Desperate Housewives" neighborhood.

2) You say things have cooled off with Ron Johnson, although they're not officially over. So, don't be jealous! Either let it go (unlikely), or call him up and suggest a three-some with him and Melanie. Nothing spices up one's love-life like a good party.

3) While you're at it, maybe suggest that Melanie invite Bert to come with her! This will kill two birds with one stone: you won't have to be jealous of Melanie's sex-life (because you'll be in on it), and you'll satisfy your kinky craving for your son. And don't worry, your son will rise to the occasion, I promise you.

4) While pillow-talking with Ron, gently probe whether his wife has a kink for watching him have sex with other women. If you get the idea that she does, make sure to have these parties where she can watch. Or even join in, if she likes. It's the only neighborly thing to do.

5) Ask Melanie about your husband, My guess is that Melanie is the neighborhood slut, and that she had done every man you know. And most of the boys. You might want to unexpectedly drop in on one of those "garage sports association" meetings -- I'm betting Melanie is a real good sport! If not, suggest it to him. I'm sure he (and the rest of the neighborhood guys) will appreciate the suggestion. You might even want to help her out with these meetings in the future. And maybe Mrs. Johnson would like to "look after" you all and provide milk and cookies afterward.

Don't make a mountain out of a mole-hill. I really don't see where you have much of a problem. Lots of opportunities, yes, but problems ... not so much!

Dora