Dear Mom

Dear mom,

I'm sorry. I know you're upset about the way I left and I should have written sooner. The last few months at home were impossible for me and I just had to leave. I guess I'm trying to run a way from my problem, and I'm not sure that signing up for this internship is going to solve it. We'll, I can still decide not to stay here after the two-week trial period. I'm already starting to see the worst of it, being away from you.

I won't blame you if you delete this and don't answer after you read it, but I hope at some point you can understand, and forgive me. Maybe I had to go across the ocean to say what's been inside me for too long. Mom I love you. That's the easy part. Mom, I love you. That's the hard part. Even while writing I can't get the words out. How does a son tell his mother that all his waking thoughts are of her that all his desires are of her?

Mom, I can almost hear your heart beating with confusion and denial as you read what I'm trying to tell you. My heart is beating even harder. But I can't deny it because I've lived with it too long. I love you the way a son is not supposed to love his mother. Before I left, it was so strong, I couldn't see you without being afraid of what I might say, or do. Even after I moved out it did no good. I was drawn to see you and talk to you, and touch you. I know it's probably horrible to you and I'm sorry to have upset you. Don't hate me, even if you don't answer. I do love you mom. Your Robert

Dear Robert,

For the last two days my head has been swirling; I still should have answered to let you know I'm not angry with you. It took me time to absorb it all. It also took me time to realize that I have to understand and not judge you. So many thoughts going through my muddled head and you know how emotional I can be. I guess it won't surprise you that I cried. You've seen me cry too many times, especially after your dad died, didn't you Robby?

One of the things that upset me most was why couldn't you talk to me? And I realized that I probably didn't make it safe for you say these things, and that was wrong. I wish I could do it differently, I wish I could have let you know that even this, you could have told me. I know you think I'm fragile sweetheart, but I wouldn't have cracked and shattered.

I miss you terribly and I'm so sorry you had to go so far away tell me your heart. Mine is breaking. Robert, I'm trying to understand. Please tell me what you can about all this and what's going on with you now and I promise to listen. Never think that I could ever do anything but love you, no matter what you say to me. Mom

Dear mom,

It was such a relief to get your mail and know that you still wanted to hear from me. I know that this whole thing is all of my own doing and I'm convinced that you had nothing to do with it. You were never seductive towards me. But no matter what you wore or what you did, it affected me. I always found you sexy.

It isn't new mom; it started long ago. For a long time I tried to talk myself out of my feelings, it didn't work. I compared other girls to you. It didn't matter if the world found their faces beautiful; I preferred yours. It didn't matter how great their bodies were; I preferred yours. I loved every curve that forms you. When you held back your head I saw the grace of your neck. When you arched your back, I adored the shape of your breasts. And when you walked, the rounded perfection captivated me. Please don't be embarrassed. I know you don't see what I do. These aren't things a son says to his mother, and most would say it's wrong. I don't. I love you and I don't see what's wrong about that. I stopped hating myself for my feelings and that made it easier for me.

I wish I could look at you. Can you send me a new picture? I only have two old ones that I hate to tell you are almost in pieces because they've been in my wallet forever. I've looked at them so many times. One is of you and me at the beach, and the other one is of you in the black dress you hardly ever wore because you said it was cut too low. You're leaning on the table at a nightclub with your date. I was always happy that the photographer caught you at that instant. Your smile is so wide and your breasts look amazing. If I'm getting too crazy for you, tell me and I'll keep it down. But mom it feels so good to tell you things. Thank you for letting me. I love you so. I miss you. Robert

Dear Robert,

The clichéd words that a mother would tell her son in a situation like this would sound foolish. At least I can see that after the depth of feeling you've shown me. So I'll just say that the things you tell me will take some getting used to, and that you find me attractive, is nice for me even if it is a little unsettling. So speak your heart and I'll tell you when I'm overwhelmed or need to step back. I don't know if this is the right thing to say, but I've decided to be as open with you as I can, because I don't want to lose you. You have to know that you're the most important part of my life. And when I called you my handsome boy, it wasn't just because you're my son, it was because that's what you'll always be to me.

Of course I'll send you a picture dear, but I'm not sure if I know how to take my own picture with the camera you left, so you'll have to explain it. (Instructions for a third grader please) I've been going to the movies a lot with Joan but the weather's been miserable, so I've stayed inside much of the time after work. What's happening over there, and what are you doing for amusement? I love you. Mom

Dear mom,

The camera is simple. The red button on the bottom left at the back will allow you twenty second for each time you press it, so if you press it twice you'll have forty seconds to compose yourself. You know how to use it from there because you can see the picture after you've taken it. So if you have to make adjustments, it's easy enough.

If you could wear that blue dress that's short enough to show your long legs; that would be nice. How about the beige one with the halter top, that's my favorite, for good reason, I know you don't wear a bra with it, and it shows how beautifully shaped your breasts are. In my fantasies, whenever we kiss I always imagine caressing them in that dress. (Even though I only saw them nude once, it's not a sight I'm going to easily forget)

Of course you could also pose as a centerfold – just fantasizing here mom. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Even if you wear a ski jacket it's okay.

As for this place, it's interesting, and the British accents make English sound like a foreign language. Who knows if I ever would have gotten here on my own? There's not much time when we're not working, but they did give us a day tour in and around London. Hope you're well and know how much I'm thinking about you. Robert

Robert Dear,

Over the last three days I've been thinking about you most of the time. I don't know what to feel, although I guess I can't help what I do feel. To be honest, it was strange taking that picture. (I hope I attached it correctly) I liked getting dressed for you. I haven't done it for a while, especially after those last two awful experiences. I think I had given up, and dressing for you (Even though it's taking longer each year to make myself 'presentable') made me feel special again, so thanks for that.

So mister, when did you see me without a bra on? I will say that it did make me flush thinking about it. Another thing I've been thinking about is what you said about kissing me. I'm trying to understand all this and I sat down with my eyes closed for a long time. I imagined you kissing me. Robert, it terrified me, just the fact that I could do that. I let it happen and we were kissing and I was only thinking how nice it was, until I realized again what we were doing. I had to stop myself. I don't know if all this is doing anybody any good. Is it? I love you. Mom

Dear mom,

Thanks for the picture; you look spectacular in that knit dress. Almost as spectacular as the time I saw you nude. (You did ask) You didn't know I was home and I guess you opened the bathroom door to let out the steam after your shower. Before you wrapped yourself in that towel, I saw the loveliest sight I could have imagined.

It's more than good that we can talk honestly to each other, and share like this, even if we are thousands of miles apart. I guess it makes it easier, for now. But I can't help thinking about how it could be, if I could only hold you and kiss you and show you how much I love you. I still wonder if people in a situation like this can get past other's judgments and their own imaginings, or is it impossible?

I know what I want, and it's to hold you and touch you and make love to you. I guess I can't be any plainer or more honest than that. For most people these words could never be exchanged, but I don't have you now, so telling you is better than nothing. Mom, I really will understand if it's too much for you. I'll stay here, I'll still love you, and we can write and talk if you want. You'll always have all my love. Robert

My dear son,

A few days ago none of these thoughts were possible. Now it's all I think about, hour after hour. Darling, maybe something is possible. (You can't imagine how long it took me to write that sentence) I feel I've crossed a line to I don't know where and I don't know what. And I don't know if I could have said it if you were actually here. Knowing you're three thousand miles away makes me strong enough to say, yes, I want you to kiss me, yes, I want you to touch me. I can't write any more now. I must be losing my mind, but I love you. Mom

Sweet mom,

You're so brave. To be able say those things is unbelievably brave. That's one of the reasons I love you. I'm sitting here stunned. Do you want me to come home? (Four more days) I can still go back to Comtech's branch near us or in the Meadows. (I even get to keep the bonus, which you could help me spend) I can't wait until tomorrow for you to answer, so please say something as soon as you read this. I love you. I love you. Robert

Sweetheart,

Yes. I want you home. I say that with a lump in my throat so big I cant even swallow. Just one thing baby, I've been thinking about nothing but this for all of the past days, and even though I'm past caring about other people judging us, I want to be sure that nobody gets hurt. And that means that we don't do anything unless we're both sure, and what happens between us is what we both want to happen. Okay? I'm loving you, and scared out of my mind. Mom

Mom, mom, mom, I'm packing already. I can't wait. You have to pick me up at the airport on Sunday because a cab ride would be excruciating. (Virgin T5 at 4 P.M.) Last night I had this dream; okay hold on. We were both sitting on your bed facing each other. We just stared into each other's eyes. Then we took off each other's clothes and I touched you until...man, I better stop this or you'll change your mind. Your son loves you very much. Robert.

There were a few more e-mails between us and they were surprisingly tame. Mostly 'I love you' and details of what was going on. I guess we were both getting nervous as Sunday approached.

I went to pick Robert up and wore the beige dress without a bra. I wanted him to know I hadn't changed my mind. In fact, the last two days before his arrival only made my conviction stronger. The last five years had been a blur of lousy dates and worse relationships. This was a chance, a crazy one, but I was going to take it.

Our first kiss was witnessed by hundreds of people who didn't know us, and didn't care. I think it was fitting that our first statement as a man and woman, rather than mother and son, was a kiss in public. I was trembling a little and he held me for a while. We didn't say anything for an awkward moment and then the talk flowed. We were so excited we almost walked into a bus as we crossed with his luggage to the parking lot.

He touched me for the first time in the car - a kiss, and a gentle hand caressing my breast. It was wonderful. He smiled at me and said, "Lets go home mom." I smiled back.

He said the most loving things to me and I teared up. I told him how nice it was to finally cry for being happy. I had thought we would take it all so slow. I had planned not to sleep with him for a long while, until I was sure, and sure that he was also. All that slipped away on the ride home. I knew there was no reason to wait.

Before he unpacked I said, "Show me the rest of the dream you wrote me about." We went into my bedroom and sat on the bed. He reached behind me to untie the halter dress. I put my cheek on his face and inhaled him. As the top of the dress fell, I closed my eyes and he took my breasts into his hands. He said, "Mom look at me." I opened my eyes and looked at him for a moment as his touch made me ache. I looked down as his thumbs crossed my nipples and he said, "No mom, look at me."

I held his gaze as he wanted and my embarrassment disappeared, because all I could see was love. We undressed each other and our eyes stayed locked. He put his fingers to his mouth and moistened them. He didn't need to; I was wet all over. He touched over my clit, massaging the thin fold of skin. Still looking at me, his finger found the nub and gently circled, and circled. I heard my breathing accelerate, but I didn't expect the orgasm. It came quick and hard. I didn't have time to kiss him or do more than let out a long moan. My eyes closed at the height of it, but I looked at my beautiful son as I finished coming.

I said, "Darling, darling...darling," and he knew what I was saying. He gave a small laugh of pleasure and he kissed me while feathery fingertips brushed over my breasts. He took them in hand when I took him in hand. I said, "You have a lovely cock Robby." I had never said anything like that to any man. It was so strange to hear that word come out of my mouth, but it felt good to say it.

He laughed again and said, "Thanks mom, now come here." I wasn't sure what he was doing but his motions showed me that he wanted me to straddle him. He was so hard as I guided his cock through the folds and into my pussy. I sat down on him and he filled me. "Kiss me mom," he said. I kissed him until I couldn't breathe. He held me skin to skin.

I wanted to move on him, but he urged me to stay locked in the embrace with our arms around each other and my breasts in his chest. Finally he put his hands under me and urged me to move. I rose and fell on his shaft, spearing myself on his stiffness. I was soaked inside and out. For a second I thought about what my matted hair must look like and then was quickly swept into the feelings of my son inside me.

He was calling me and I was answering, Mom -Yes baby...Mom - Yes baby... Mom, mom, mom...Ohhh...I loved the sound of his orgasmic cry. It was loud and strong like the love I knew we were feeling for each other. And then for the second time, an orgasm caught me unaware. I lifted and lowered myself on my son's long shaft over and over as the charge ran through me. I had come in my son's arms and when I was finished all I could do was laugh with the joy that had been missing.

That was when the feelings subsided and the thoughts began to hit. I had made love with my son. I opened my eyes and looked at the love that was looking back at me. The warmth in his smiling eyes told me - it was all going to be okay.