Death & Love Ch. 02

This has been bugging me for a while, when the original chapter 2 was uploaded I got some well deserved criticism for including an unnecessary S&M type scene. I wasn't planning on rewriting this but after an informal Q&A session with a reader I decided to change it. Due to continuity issues with chapter 3 and my other story some elements will be the same but hopefully these changes will improve the overall story.

Thanks goes to Awesome Kmac and his questions that helped to convince me to rewrite this chapter.

As before this picks up a few hours after chapter 1.

*

I awoke early the next morning, no matter how many times these damned headaches wake me I can't get use to it. It took me a few seconds to realise where I was, it was Billie's room, looking down I see Billie and I in a spooning position, still both fully clothed with her wearing her black dress from last night, oh god last night. Suddenly everything that happened came rushing back to me; punching Vincent, finding Billie in the shower, her confession, kissing her. I dwell on her admitting she wanted me to take her virginity the most, she had actually said that, she wasn't drunk, I don't think she made it up and she was too upset to lie, I had to take it as truth.

This was all too much to take at once, my innocent little sister was changing right in front of my eyes and I didn't know how to take it, looking down at Billie I still see that little girl who would come into my room when the monster under her bed was making noises, the little girl who would ask me to sing 'God Only Knows' to help her get to sleep, the little girl who cried for nearly three days and refused to leave my side when I told her I was going to die. She's growing up and she wants to include me in helping her become a woman, the scariest thing was I was actually considering letting her. Ignoring that ridiculous idea I carefully let go of Billie then got out of bed and went downstairs to get breakfast, I left Billie to her slumber, partly because I didn't want to disturb her but mostly because I didn't want to talk about last night. I was halfway downstairs when there was a knock on the door, I opened it to see T.J. standing outside.

'Jesus you look like shit T.'

'Glad to see you're subtle Cay. I was up all night, Kathy's teething so she was screaming bloody murder. Can you make a coffee please, I'm falling to sleep just standing here.'

'Sure thing T.'

T.J. followed me inside, he sat down at the counter while I made the coffee.

'If it's any constellation I had a rough night as well, Billie had some trouble.'

'Wasn't she at, what's the bastard's name, Daniel Entwistle's party?

'Yeah, but she came home early, her date got a little grabby.'

'Who was her date?'

'You heard of Vincent Moreno?'

'I know him, his brother works with me down at the shop, the brother's alright but Vincent's a right bastard.'

'I know, I broke his nose last night.'

'Ha, God knows he had it coming.'

I picked up the boiled kettle and began pouring the water.

'Cay before I forget, Jane and I picked a date for the wedding, September 12th.'

'That's not long.'

'It's for Jane's grandmother, she's in her 90s now and probably won't see the year's end, we picked the most reasonable date. You still up for being my best man?'

'Always T, I've got a draft of my speech upstairs if...'

'Cay look, fuck.' T.J. jumped up startled. I looked down to see what got him so spooked; the boiling water from the kettle had spilled over onto my right hand but I hadn't felt anything. I put the kettle down and ran my hand over with cold water but I was still scalded pretty badly, but still there was no pain.

'Fucking hell Cay, does that not hurt?'

'No, it's part of my condition, I never expected this so early though.'

'You want me to take you to hospital?'

'Sure, I'd better see the Doc about this. Let me tell Billie first.'

I started to head towards the stairs but I stopped, I knew if I went upstairs Billie would want to talk about last night and I still wasn't ready, I turned back and wrote a note.

'Don't want to wake her, she's still sleeping. Got your phone?'

'Yeah.'

'I need to borrow it, tell the Doc I'm coming.'

I phoned the Doc and told him I'd be there soon. T.J. drove me to the hospital, thankfully due to the early time there was little trouble finding a parking spot.

'You sure you don't want me to wait Cay?'

'It's fine T, it's not far. Thanks for the lift.'

T.J. drove off, the Doc was Dr Freeman, my therapist. I'd been seeing him for four years ever since I was told about my condition, if any brain related shit came up I'd talk to him. Dr Freeman was a kind old man, more like a grandfather than a doctor, I'd hesitate to call him a friend but we were closer than the usual doctor and patient. After my hand was seen too I found the Doc in his office, it was a warm and inviting place, making it much easier for you to open up, I lay on the couch while the Doc sat on his chair nearby and listened to me.

'So Caleb, when did you first notice you'd spilt boiling water on your hand?'

'I didn't Doc, my friend T.J. came round for a coffee, I was talking to him and he saw me spill the water, I didn't feel a thing.'

'And that worried you, why?'

'Because this is a new development, don't get me wrong Doc I've been expecting this for a while but never this quickly. I mean fuck it was only yesterday that my hand started feeling numb, I thought it'd be some time before I lost all feeling in it. It's fucking scaring me Doc.'

'Calm Caleb, I understand that you're scared but can you tell me why you're scared?'

My mind immediately went to Billie and her confession last night, I thought about an answer to give the Doc.

'It's Billie Doc, I'm scared of losing her, now more than ever. She had some trouble last night with a date that only wanted one thing. I realised yesterday after I broke the fucker's nose that I'm scared that if I leave her she won't have anyone to protect her. I know she's an independent woman who can protect herself but I'm her older brother and it's my job to look after her.'

That was a half-truth, I was more scared of losing Billie and not following up on her wish. I couldn't believe it but I was actually considering having sex with my sister. I looked over at Doc who seem to be mulling something over.

'Hm, Caleb I'm going to ask you some personal questions, you may feel uncomfortable but feel free to stop them at anytime.'

'Ok Doc.' I was confused as to what these questions were going to be about.

'Right, you love your sister don't you?'

'Yes.'

'You love her as a brother?'

'Yes, what are you getting at Doc?'

'Have you ever thought of Billie as something more than a sister?'

'No, Doc I don't see what the relevance of these questions is.'

'You said you're scared of leaving your sister, that's understandable but you also said you were especially scared after she had trouble from someone who wanted to have sex with her, you defended her honour.'

'Yeah so she's my sister what are you getting at?'

'That would be fine in normal circumstances, but you're not in normal circumstances; people in your situation believe they can take risks and not live to see the consequences. From what you've said you obviously have deep feelings towards Billie but I fear these feelings may grow into something more and you may do something you'll regret.'

'What are you saying Doc, that I'll have sex with my sister.'

'I'm saying it's a possibility.'

'Thanks for the help Doc.' My voice was thick was sarcasm. 'I'll see myself out.'

I left the office and headed home, I was furious, not at the Doc but at myself. Everything the Doc said about having deep feelings for Billie was agreeing with the thoughts I was having about having sex with her, I had a grown feeling of wanting to act on these thoughts but every sane fibre in my body was arguing with me.

In that walk home all I felt was anger.

I returned home still angry, I saw Billie awake and eating breakfast, her face lit up once I entered but darkened once she saw my fury.

'Cay what's wrong?'

'Bastard Doc, thinks he knows my thoughts better than me.'

'What'd he say?'

'He seems to think that just because I saved you from Vincent last night I want to fuck you, it's fucking ridiculous.'

A caught a glimpse of Billie, her face showed she was hurt but that last comment. Suddenly the start of a headache grabbed my attention.

'Fuckin hell not this, where are the painkillers.'

'Top left cupboard. Cay, do you really think it's ridiculous you wanting to have sex with me.'

'Billie I know where this is going but I really don't want to talk about it. I've got too much other shit to think about right now.'

'Caleb please I want to talk about last night.'

'DAMMIT BILLIE NOT NOW.'

I didn't mean to yell at her, I was still furious with the Doc's comment and my headache was making my temper worse. As soon as the words left my mouth I looked into Billie's beautiful greens and realised my mistake, she ran away with tears in her eyes and I ran after her. She dashed upstairs, into her room and slammed the door behind her. I crashed into the closed door, knocking it repeatedly so she would open it and start a conversation, no point barging in.

'Billie please I'm sorry. Open the door please.'

Nothing.

'Billie don't do this, I won't be able to stand it if you hate me.'

'Go away Caleb, you've made your point.'

'I haven't, Billie I want to talk about this.'

There was no answer but I heard Billie walk across the room and open her door, she stared at me, still crying but with a look of desperate anger on her face I'd never seen before.

'I want to talk about last night Cay, I want to talk about what I asked you, can we do that?'

'No, yes, ah. This is still a lot to take in Billie.'

'Don't fuck around Cay, I've been waiting two years for this, two years hoping you would see me the way I seen you. Tell me if I'm wasting my time or not.'

'I don't know Billie, I can't answer that.'

'Seems like you just did.'

Billie went back in her room and shut her door, I was left standing outside, a terrible feeling of regret and self-hatred inside me. I was so close to punching myself for what I did.

SEPTEMBER

After that things changed between me and Billie, I hated it. For the past three weeks Billie hardly said two words to me, she wasn't even angry she just ignored me. Whenever I saw her she would be huddled in her clothes, I use to love how audacious Billie was and secretly I enjoyed her more revealing clothe choices but now, now she wasn't my beautiful sister, she was a stranger in my own home. The whole thing had put a knife in our relationship and I knew it was my fault but no matter how many times I apologized I got no response, in the end I just stopped trying.

It wasn't until T.J. and Jane's wedding that things became clearer. It was nearing morning, the ceremony had been done and the reception was winding down, I stood outside alone with a beer when T.J. found me.

'Cay, what you doing out here alone? I thought you'd be inside talking to people.'

'You know what I'm like around people.'

'I know I know, once they find out about your condition they feign sympathy, but that doesn't mean you can't talk to anyone.'

I look in and scanned the room until I saw one girl who took my fancy.

'Well there's a busty blonde in there I might chat to.'

'That's my cousin Megan.'

'Fine I'll stay away from her.'

'You don't have to I was just saying.'

'No I'm good, I've said before Billie is the only girl in my life and I'm going to keep it that way for a while.'

'That's actually something I've been meaning to bring up, what's wrong with Billie? She seems sort of, down.'

'I don't know T. she's been like that for weeks ever since we had a big argument.'

'I don't think it's your fault Cay, from the looks of her she seems heartbroken.'

'What makes you say that?'

'Remember when your dad died, your mum had the exact same expression Billie does now, like she's lost someone close to here. Surprised you didn't see it earlier.'

And just like that the glass was shattered, Billie had lost someone close to her, me. I had no idea how important I was to Billie, how much she loved me. She had laid herself bare, both literally and figuratively, in that shower and I blew her off.'

'Fuck I'm an idiot.'

'What you say Cay?'

'Uh nothing, headaches.'

'Right, well that's Jane's mum off with Kathy I better say goodbye, if I don't see you later tonight I'll see you when we get back from the honeymoon.'

'Sure, see you later.'

T.J. left me to see off his daughter, leaving me on my own. I looked round to see if I was on my own, once satisfied no-one could see me; I slapped myself in the face for being so stupid.

When Billie and I arrived home that night I had decided to make things right between us, however as soon as the taxi dropped us off Billie rushed inside forcing me to run after her.

'Billie will you wait?'

She ignored me and went inside.

'Billie wait please.'

Again nothing, she was almost at the stairs. I ran towards her, grabbed her, spun her round and kissed her. A long hard kiss full of passion, it took her by surprise but she soon slunk into it, much like I has in our first kiss. I let her go and stared into her eyes, for the first time in three weeks I saw her smile.

'Billie I love you, probably more than I should and I've hated how we've drifted apart. I missed you, the real you, the you I love, so much and if you want I'll love you like you love me. I didn't realise how important this was to you and for that I'm sorry.'

Billie said nothing, she only kissed me again, much softer this time.

'I'm the one who should be sorry Cay, but I was so hurt when you said you didn't want to have sex with me. I know it was a big ask but you got to know I was deeply in love with you, I still am. If you are totally serious then this is what I want, you and only you.'

I had done it, I had fixed any and all damage between me and Billie. Leaning forward I kissed her again, starting soft but quickly gaining excitement, full of love I pushed Billie against the wall. I started unbuttoning my shirt, Billie did the same with her dress, letting it fall to the floor. As she stepped out her dress I couldn't help but admire her, her black lacy underwear contrasted amazingly against her golden skin, looking over her I saw a mix of innocence and sexuality, she wanted this but she was scared and because of that fear my protective instinct kicked in, I wanted to save her and there was only one way to do that. I moved in close and unhooked Billie's bra, it too fell to the floor, good lord her breasts look even more spectacular than last time. I kissed Billie's neck, moving downwards towards her chest, licking and sucking her nipples, feeling them go hard in my mouth, I heard Billie's slow laboured breathing above me, telling me she was enjoying this. I continued downwards, slow and gentle in my movements, making sure Billie knew I wasn't going to hurt her or make her do anything she didn't want, this was all about her.

When I reached her panties I knew what to do, I went onto my knees and I hooked my fingers into her panties, I slowly pulled them down, her trimmed cunny was revealed to me, it looked beautiful, the smell of her filled my nose. Throwing caution and sense to the wind I licked her pussy, flicking her clit with my tongue.

'Oh god Cay, what are you doing?'

'Making sure you enjoy this.'

I licked her pussy again, her juices running down into my mouth. I wanted more so I dove in and kissed her, I was driving Billie crazy, I felt her legs giving way and it was only me keeping her up. Suddenly I felt Billie's hand grab my head and my mouth was flooded.

I had made my little sister come.

Satisfied that the first part of my job was complete I stood up, Billie's face was red and she panting. Not even giving me time to wipe my face Billie threw herself into a kiss.

'Thank you Cay, thank you. You have no idea how great that was.'

'It's not over yet Billie.'

I unzipped my trousers and pulled them down along with my underwear, I was as naked as Billie. She looked down and saw my ever hardening cock, I swear I heard her gasp. With Billie pushed against the wall I lined up my dick with her cunny, setting it up so that I my tip was resting on her.

'Are you sure you want this Billie, we can still back out.'

'Cay I did not wait two years to back out now.'

That was all the conformation I needed, swiftly I pushed forward, into Billie. She jumped up in shock and grabbed my back, she stopped breathing for a second. Billie wasn't the first virgin I'd fucked so I knew what to expect but she was the first one I cared about. I kept sliding forward until I reached her hymen, I looked into Billie's eyes, they were filled with tears yet she still nodded. Hard and fast I broke through, Billie grabbed me tightly, in pain, in pleasure, in reassurance, she was shivering, she had come again. Slowly but surely Billie got over the loss of her innocence and we built up a rhythm, Billie leaned in close and whispered in my ear.

'Come in me Cay, I want you to come in me.'

'Billie I'm not wearing a condom.'

'It's ok, mum put me on the pill years ago, do it please.'

I wasn't one to ignore a request like that, the sheer beauty of Billie and the realisation of what we had just done was enough to send me over the edge. I came inside Billie, holding myself there until I was drained. Billie and I stood there for what seemed like an eternity, holding each other tightly. I spoke softly in Billie's ear.

'God only knows, what I'd be, without you.'

Billie looked up into my eyes, she was immediately reminded of our time together as children, before either of us knew about my condition. We loved the song and the memories it created. I continued singing.

'And God only knows what I'd be without you. And God only, God only, God only knows what I'd be without you.'

I never managed to continue, Billie kissed me again, I felt the tears on her cheeks but I ignored them, content that I had finally found the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had found Billie Dawltry.

OCTOBER

After that first time me and Billie were inseparable, any time we were together we couldn't stop holding or touching each other, and if we weren't we were talking late into the night. It was like any other new relationship only this time we had bypassed all the awkwardness of the first few dates, we were already best friends and somehow that made everything better. Of course people can tell when you're in a new relationship, you have a look of happiness that's specific to being in love. This created a problem because we didn't want anyone to know about our relationship so to hide any suspicion Billie started going out with one of the boys at her university. As much as I love Billie she makes some bad choices, case in point she started going out with Vincent Moreno, the asshole that tried to force Billie to have sex with him. I hated him, and not just because of what he did to Billie, he had an air of smugness about him, like he was use to getting his own way. Thankfully the relationship didn't last long, about a week after they first started going out they broke up. It happened in the afternoon, T.J. was back from his honeymoon and having a late lunch at mine, Vincent was over with Billie and in the bathroom, that was until he burst out holding what looked like a white stick, on closer look it was a pregnancy test.

'What the fuck is this?' Vincent's anger was directed at Billie.

'I, I don't kn, know.'

'You stupid bitch you know what this is. This is you fucking me over, we haven't in fucked yet so you have no fucking reason to have this. What's his name who whoring cunt?'