Deborah

"I'm glad you did it. No woman has ever wanted me before."

"I'm sure lots of girls want you."

"I've never seen any sign of it."

"The women at the hospital find you unapproachable. They don't understand half the things you tell them."

"Or they don't care."

"Maybe that's so, but I care about you and now it looks like I can't have you."

"Your offer is very tempting."

"So was that high minding stuff you were spouting before about wanting to be with a woman who was giving herself freely to you just a bunch of baloney?"

"No, since you've been asleep in my bed, I've been thinking about how I used to feel about you before we went to college and the void it left in my life when we parted at the end of that last summer. I thought about how much I wanted to kiss you the night we stayed up until dawn talking before your mom and dad drove you off to Dartmouth.

"I realized that one of the reasons I've never done it with anybody is that I was in love with you back then and no other woman since has ever measured up to you. I'm still not sure about your feelings toward me. But this tragedy you've suffered is a chance for me to win your heart."

*****

Daniel's memories of the last summer we spent here in our own town were incomplete, but it was a time that I vividly remember. The time we shared was just a few days, and it occurred after the boy with whom I had been in love left for his own school. The day after he departed I found out that I was pregnant with his child.

I turned to the one friend who unconditionally loved me. Daniel, unaware of my predicament, got me through that desperate time. We roamed our home town, by now devoid of our friends who had taken off for college, talking as young people do about our plans to remake the world.

When it was time for me to leave, I had resolved to accept the chore of motherhood. But I was spared that responsibility the next week when I suffered a miscarriage, and then absorbed in the excitement of life as a college freshman, I drifted away from Daniel.

The next time we saw each other was more than a dozen years later after we had both taken jobs at the hospital in our home town.

*****

"Daniel, my heart is yours. Just tell me what I can do to please you."

"Deborah, I don't know. I'm so mixed up. I'm still not sure this is right. Your life depends on me. How can I not feel I'm raping you if we become intimate under these circumstances?"

I am not used to men during down an offer of sex from me. Perhaps I am not accustomed to being in the company of a man so principled.

"Every man has a secret fantasy. Tell me yours so I can be your fantasy girl!"

He smiles. It is a guilty smile. My face lights up when I realize I have found his weakness. The smile leaves his face when he realizes that I know.

"It's nothing."

"It's something. I'll bet that there's something you really want to do with a girl and most girls would say no. But not me; I'll do whatever it is just to prove that I love you."

He gets up from his chair and lies down next to me on top of the covers. He folds his hands on his chest and turns his head toward me, as if I am his psychiatrist and he is to undergo analysis.

"I can't help it. I've had the fantasy as long as I can remember, even before I went to kindergarten, and I've never spoken of it to anyone."

"What is it?"

"I'm afraid that if I tell you you'll be scared of me."

"Nothing about you could ever frighten me. Please tell me."

I sit up a little in bed and place my face close to Daniel's. He regards me with silence for a long time. Twice he opens his mouth to speak, but no words emerge. I kiss his lips.

He sighs and finally divulges his secret in an inaudible voice. "Bondage."

"What?"

"Now you think I'm a pervert!"

"Daniel, I didn't understand what you said!"

"I don't want to say it again. Forget we ever talked about this. If you want to make love, I'll do it with you now. There's no use pretending that we're not a man and a woman who desire each other."

"Daniel, you had something important to say and I want to hear what it was."

"No you won't."

"Since you've made such a big deal of it, I won't be able to rest until I know!"

"OK. I like bondage. I fantasize about tying women up. But don't worry. I won't try to make you do it."

"But Daniel, if it's such a big thing for you, you should be able to do it with someone whom you love. I can't imagine you hurting anyone."

"You don't know the real me."

"You're gentle and empathetic. You couldn't hurt a fly. Please tell me about your fantasy."

"My fantasy girl has been condemned to be executed for murder but has convinced me of her innocence. When the day comes, my job will be to get her ready for execution-you know, tie her up and everything. But in the days leading up to the execution date, the prisoner and I have fallen in love. So I have hatched a plot to rescue her."

"And do you live happily ever after with her in the end?"

Daniel shakes his head yes.

"I guess I can play along with you. Would I being the damsel in distress fit in with your fantasy?"

"Kind of, especially since you're already technically an outlaw."

"What kind of kinky things would you like to do with me?"

"I don't know."

"You do too know!"

"All right. I guess I'd like to tie your hands together behind your back."

"And then what?"

"Maybe rub your shoulders."

"That doesn't sound too bad. In fact, I think it would feel good, but is that all?"

"What do you mean?"

"How about acting out the part in which you save me from execution?"

"It can't be acted out. We'd have to be in a real prison with a death chamber. And there would have to be a warden and the rest of the team that carries out the execution."

"I'm sure we could improvise."

"You'd really help me do this?"

"Sure. Why not?"

"Everyone thinks bondage is awful and degrading."

"The way you treat people in real life reveals your true nature. Daniel, I know that you're a kind and gentle human being. Knowing that, nothing you could possibly do to me would be awful or degrading."

"Then why is it so embarrassing to go to adult book stores and look at bondage pictures in magazines? Even if I'm a thousand miles away from here at a convention, I worry that someone who knows me will see me come out of one of those places.

"There's stuff on the internet, but you have to pay a lot of money for the really good pictures. And I'm not sure that it's a good idea to give out your credit card to the people who run those kinds of businesses. So it's ironic that I've just stayed in the closet, since being gay is so well accepted today."

"Well, now you have me."

"How can I be sure I'm not just dreaming?"

"Why should this be only a dream? You're risking your own freedom by letting me stay here and instead of being put in a camp or ghetto, not to mention giving me emotional support, food, and shelter. And now that I realize I like you in more than a platonic way, it makes perfect sense that I should want to please you."

He lies frozen on the bed, looking straight ahead, as if I, lying next to him, am just a figment of his imagination, the virtual presence from his dream. I gently touch his right shoulder. He finally turns and looks at me, but still utters not a word. His eyes plead for me to love him, but he will not take the next step.

The buzzer goes off. The basketball game he has been watching is over.

"I guess the Lakers won."

He sighs and then reaches over and turns off the television set with the remote control. The TV screen is suddenly black, and we are awash in the weird illumination provided by the screen saver on his laptop. Triangles and a host of other geometric shapes materialize and fade into oblivion, making us appear to one another as chameleons in his dimly lit chamber.

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable with your shirt and pants off?"

"Yeah, I guess."

He is wearing a blue long sleeve shirt, the one he wore to work this morning. A pen and a pocket flashlight are still in the pocket over his left breast. I empty the tools of his trade from his shirt pocket and then unfasten the top button of his shirt.

He smiles a little, and I smile too. But the meanings of the expressions on our faces differ. His smile is that of a child who finally receives a long awaited gift, while mine is an appreciation of the irony of my performance as the seductress of the man who has every reason to seize my virtue against my will.

I unbutton Daniel's shirt to his waist. From his armpits emanates the manly aroma of a guy who has done a day's work. His chest is muscular and his stomach flat and taut. His loneliness over the years has allowed him to cultivate an excellent physique.

"You have a nice body," I whisper and lie my head upon his naked chest.

"Your hair smells good."

"It's just your shampoo."

"Maybe it's just good to smell your hair."

Emboldened, deftly using my right hand, I unbuckle his belt and unfasten the button on his trousers, and pull down the zipper. I reach under the elastic band of his Jockey shorts and wrap my hand around his rigid cock, which is wet with his semen. As I have done for my other lovers, I begin to lightly stroke him, making sure I brush across the sensitive spot below the meatus on the underside of his cock.

"I guess you like me a little bit," I muse.

"More than a little bit."

"I'm sorry it took so long to get to this point."

"We had to realize that despite our differences, we were meant for one another."

"It was nice of you to say 'we', but what you said applies only to me. I was the one who blinded herself to the love we share."

"Did you really think of me during all those years we were apart?"

"I didn't think of you as a lover, but I remembered you fondly and hoped that you had met a nice girl and settled down."

Our lips meet and we exchange another passionate kiss as I fondle his member.

"You feel so good. I don't want this to end."

"It doesn't have to. As long as I'm here, I'll do anything you want."

"The business about bondage, just forget about that."

"Why?"

"It's not a normal thing. After all you've been through, it wouldn't be right for you to have to indulge my pathologic fantasies."

"But you're a better person than anyone else I've ever known. You deserve to have your dreams come true."

I then bend over and slip his cock into my mouth. He runs his fingers through my hair as my tongue slithers over his rigid phallus. When I sense that he is about to cum, I expel him and resume stroking his dick with my hand.

"We can have intercourse if you want. I just finished my time of the month, so I don't think I'll get pregnant," I whisper into his ear as I lie at his side.

"I don't have any condoms."

"I'm not worried about catching anything, unless you're worried about getting something from me."

"No, I'm sure you're OK."

"You've never had a woman go down on you, have you?"

"I told you. I've never been with anyone."

I straddle his hips, holding myself upright to let him gaze upon the nearly naked body of his soon-to-be lover, his rigid cock sandwiched in the groove between my labia. Already wet and ready to be penetrated, I begin rocking my pelvis, dry humping my old buddy as we take another step in the direction of making the platonic aspect of our friendship a relic of the past.

"I'm glad I'm your first. You relax. Don't worry about anything. We'll be fine."

"I, I don't want to cum too fast. I want it to be good for you."

"It's a miracle that we found each other and that we're together tonight this way. That's pleasure enough for me. You can cum anytime you want and anywhere you want with me. You can cum in my pussy, you can cum up my ass, you can cum on my face; you can do anything you want with me."

"But I want it to feel as good for you as it does for me."

"It's not all about just having some body part rubbed or penetrated for women. Just being gently touched by a man who loves you and feeling safe in his arms is the greatest pleasure a girl can have."

He begins caressing my breasts through the black brassiere. I guide his hand to the clasp between the cups and he unfastens it. The cups fly away from my chest, exposing my bosom to my lover. I shake my torso and the brassiere falls off my shoulders, down my arms, and then onto the bed.

His jaw drops and his eyes widen as he beholds my naked chest. I giggle at the transformation of the serious young man whom I have grown to love into a gawking teenager.

"I'm, I'm sorry!"

I lean forward, pressing my naked torso against his chest. I place my lips onto his and force my tongue into his mouth. The tension that I feel in his muscles dissipates and he wraps his arms around me. I feel his hips rocking in tandem with mine. Our lips part, and as I feel my excitement build, I start moaning softly.

"Daniel, I love you!" I whisper.

"I love you, too!"

"I want this to be special to you. I want to indulge your fantasy."

"You don't have to."

"I love you. I want this to be perfect."

"It'll feel weird."

"I want to be your fantasy girl."

He stops rocking his pelvis. I lift myself up and look into his eyes. His expression has become mischievous.

"I've never done anything like this before. I've never even thought how to do it. I always assumed it would just be a dream."

"You're thirty-one years old. Before tonight you said you'd never been with a woman. Just think of it as making up for lost time."

He pushes me off his hips and sits up.

"Anytime you want me to stop, just let me know. I realize this isn't for anybody."

"Don't worry. I think it will be kind of neat."

"I think I have some clothesline in the garage. I'll go get it."

He gets out of bed, pulls up his pants, and zippers them. I flop back on the bed and lie supine in the warmth of the spot he has just vacated.

I hear him bounding down the steps to the foyer and then down to the family room of the house in which he had grown up that now lacked a family. I now hope with all my heart that I have not waited too long to have children, that my womb is not barren, and that soon my troubles will disappear and I will be able to let his seed enter me when I am ripe to conceive.

The door to the garage opens and in what just seems like an instant later, slams shut again. I then hear the bounding steps of my lover on the stairs, returning to me with adolescent enthusiasm.

He enters his bedroom with a smile plastered on his face, all the trepidations of the last half hour gone. His breathing is rapid and shallow, as much from anticipation of what lies next as from his jaunt on the steps. A spool of clothesline is in his right hand, which he throws onto the bed. The rope hits me on the thigh and comes to rest.

I am lying with my hands behind cupped behind my neck, dreaming of being the lady of the house, raising his children. He regards me silently and then sits next to me on the bed.

"I'm all yours. Just tell me what to do."

He leans over and kisses me.

"I just want your love. This thing about bondage-it's just a silly fantasy. You don't need to be part of it if you don't want to."

"Dreams and fantasies are what make life worth living. You deserve to live your dream. Your fantasy girl should look her best. Do you mind if I go freshen my makeup?"

He nods yes. I wrap my arms around my executioner and our lips meet. We exchange a long open mouthed kiss as I grind my pelvis against his.

I retrieve my purse and go into the bathroom as Daniel follows like a puppy dog, panting with excitement as he revels in his dream. He stands behind me as I take my place in front of the mirror in bathroom of the master bedroom. I feel triumphant having penetrated his boudoir, having attained the position of lady of the house.

I quickly redo my eyes, first encircling my orbs with eyeliner and then applying purple eye shadow to the upper lids. Daniel watches intently as I coat my lips with purple lipstick and then disappears from the bathroom as I run my comb through my hair.

After taking a minute to cover up a few blemishes, I turn to leave the bathroom and find Daniel blocking the door. He is holding a cell phone and his eyes are in the viewer as he prepares to record my image.

"You look hot!"

"Thank you, Daniel."

I look at myself in the mirror above the dresser-naked from the waist up, my soon-to-be lover standing behind me, his expression solemn, completely immersed in his fantasy. I can almost read his mind.

I am the innocent woman of his dream, unjustly condemned to die, whom he is preparing for execution. There is no choice for me but utter submission, for my end will be even worse if I mount a futile resistance.

I know the man who is preparing me to die loves me, so if he cannot save me, I am certain that my imminent demise will be painless. But maybe he has concocted a plan to rescue me at the very last moment, even after the machinery of death has started to act upon its helpless victim.

It pleases me to help Daniel realize his dream. I hope that the slight smile on my face is not spoiling the moment for him.

He places his hands on my shoulders and begins kneading my muscles. I close my eyes, regretting only that I am not free to wrap my arms around him.

"Daniel, do I have a chance? Will I ever feel you inside me?"

I use my most alluring voice to tease out a hint about the fate of the prisoner whose life is in the hands of the man who loves her.

"After today, nothing will keep us apart."

"Are you going to be my executioner?"

"You're an innocent woman about to be hanged for a crime you didn't commit."

"What did I do?"

"You tell me. It'll be more fun if you contribute to the plot."

"Let's see. I'm an exotic dancer. An old dude becomes obsessed with me and makes me the beneficiary of his life insurance policy. He has a bad ticker and drops dead while I'm doing a lap dance for him.

"The tabloids find out that my sugar daddy's passing has made me a million bucks richer. The town's outraged; they think I got the codger all steamed up on purpose so he'll kick off and I'll get the insurance money. I'm arrested for murder.

"I take the stand and insist I knew nothing about an insurance policy, but the jury doesn't buy it and finds me guilty of first degree murder. The judge condemns me to death, so here I am!"

"The governor announces there will be no reprieve. The Supreme Court has rejected your appeal. So will you be ready to die, or will you be hoping for a miracle?"

"You've offered to help me escape, but I'm afraid the plan will backfire and you'll just be taken down with me. So I want it to be your loving hands that bind me and place the rope around my neck. I want it to be you who pulls the lever that opens the trapdoor through which I will fall to my death. And I want my last human touch to be from you."

"But I can't let you die!"

"But there's no way out of prison for me except in a coffin! And I'm tired of waiting for the sentence to be carried out. I'm innocent. I want to be set free or go on to oblivion or my eternal reward."

"But I'm your executioner. I'll make your drop through the trapdoor shorter so your neck won't break when the noose catches it. If the warden asks what happened, I'll say you requested that your head not be ripped from your body during the execution.

"The noose tightens around your neck, slowly strangling you. That's how I imagine you, I mean the girl in my fantasies, when I'm aroused-choking to death at the end of the rope, fighting against the restraints I've applied so she can free her hands, tear the noose off her neck, and draw in a breath of sweet air."

His slip reveals that I am his fantasy girl, the one he rescues in his dream as he masturbates.