Decisions Ch. 04

He smiled at Jacob and slid into the seat across the table. "It's good to see you, too. How is Mr. Baxter doing?"

"He's getting better, although he still can't remember what happened. His last memory is walking to his car with the officer in charge of keeping an eye on him. Both of them were struck by rocks, of all things."

"Whoever it was had to have been very close, then." Riley reached for the menu and looked it over. There was something bothering him, but he couldn't put his finger on it right then. "Any idea when he'll be able to work on the sketch? I admit to being curious about who this Shane MacCready might be."

"No plans for that until after the weekend. Have you given any thought to what you'd like to do after we've eaten?"

Jacob didn't mind talking about work, but he didn't want that to be their only conversation. He wanted to talk about them and get to know the man he found so intriguing. Riley had been in his thoughts often over the past few days. More than he was comfortable with, especially when he needed to focus on his cases.

"I've given lots of thought to what I'd like to do," Riley answered with a grin, face turning pink. "I guess it depends on how public, or private, you're looking for."

"I think a little public, followed by some private, would suit me fine."

They shared a smile, enjoying each other, until the waiter came by to take their orders. Riley knew he had to talk to Jacob. He needed to let the other know that his interest wasn't merely about sex. It was also important to try and explain, maybe even get help in figuring out, why he'd experienced such an about face.

It was liberating just to jump in with both feet, without the need for anguished deliberation. If they had more in common than wanting short-term sex, he was willing to give it a chance. If they never did more than meet and enjoy each other for the duration of the case, then that was fine too. So long, Riley cautioned himself, that they were both on the same page. He would never again simply assume anything. That way was certain to bring more pain, not only for him, but possibly also for Jacob. The last thing in the world he wanted was to mislead anyone the way Hunter had misled him.

Of course, all his caution would come to nothing unless they were honest with one another. That thought nearly made Riley jump in his chair. He trusted Jacob to be truthful with him. There was no doubt in his mind, that if he discussed his expectations or needs, Jacob would both listen and understand. It was this certainty that allowed him to give in to his desires on Wednesday, even if he hardly knew the man. He was Blue's brother, and he was certain that they both had the same basic goodness in them.

"Oh man. Look, I swear that I had no idea they would be here tonight." Riley looked over and frowned at Jacob, confused by the words and the hesitation he saw. "Blue and Harley just came in and they're sure to see us. This isn't some kind of set-up."

"I believe you. I'm not sure I'm ready to see Blue. I was so horrible to him and he has every right to march over here and blast me. Let me go to the bathroom for a bit and you can warn him about my being here with you."

He hurried towards the back of the restaurant and ducked into the restroom, barely avoiding a collision with a man who was exiting. Fear and anxiety filled him as he wondered what his old friend would do and say once he knew that Riley was there in the same restaurant. Would he come here and yell at him; warn him to stay away from his brother? Would he wait out in the main room to do the yelling there? Whichever he chose, it would be no less than Riley deserved.

He paced around, chewing on his lower lip. Several scenarios played through his head of what might be happening at the table where he'd been having such a lovely start to a...a date. God, his first real, adult date and he was hiding here in the bathroom like some sort of coward.

Back at the table, Jacob watched the young man hurry off and felt a well of sadness at the fear and uncertainty he saw in those pretty green eyes. He was distracted when he heard Blue call his name.

"This is a wonderful surprise. May we join you?" Blue came to a stop beside the table with a happy smile at the sight of his older brother, before he noticed the other setting. "Oh, you're here with someone. Anyone I know, or should we make ourselves scarce?"

"I'm here with Riley, actually. He just had to excuse himself for a moment."

"When he saw I was here. He doesn't want to see me, does he?"

Jacob shook his head at the sad sigh. "No, but not for the reason you think. He's afraid you'll be angry with him and wants to give you time to leave if that's what you want. Riley is working as a private investigator these days. I found out when the law firm hired him to help on a case. He was working when you ran into him the other day and needed to get away before he was spotted. He feels so bad about it and thinks you'll never be able to forgive him for treating you so horribly."

Blue dropped down into the chair in shock, staring across at his brother as the words sank in. After what happened a year ago, and then pushing during their last meeting, Blue figured Riley wouldn't want to forgive him, not that Riley thought he didn't deserve Blue's forgiveness. It was such a strange situation.

Harley laid a hand on his shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. With just that touch, Blue knew what Harley wanted to say. He was giving Blue permission to go to Riley and make things right. Not that he needed the permission, exactly, but that his own apologies were to be extended.

While Riley paced in the restroom, and worried and waited, he did what he always did to relax: worked on the details of a case. Right now, he was going through what information he had gathered about Andrew Baxter and Shane MacCready. There appeared to be no record of Shane MacCready existing, at least not as he would appear to Andrew Baxter. None of the personal information pertaining to the man was true, although that could change once they had a sketch or picture of the man. Perhaps he could find a yearbook from the years the two men attended college and look through it for any possible information.

What else did he know? Not much, except that MacCready had a past with the victim and seemed reluctant to let her go. His mind touched on the letters, even though all he knew about their contents was the signature line: Your only real love, SHNM. That had to be important. Looking at it, it seemed to confirm the identity. SM were the initials for Shane MacCready. All right, so if they could figure out what the other two initials stood for, the HN, perhaps that would lead them in the right direction. He could search the yearbook for people with names starting with those letters.

He started listing possibilities in his head, but the door opened before he got very far and interrupted him. Riley froze at the sight of Blue, unmistakable with his blue hair even with his downturned face. Their eyes met once the door closed, and both spoke at the same time.

"I'm sorry." They chuckled at how perfectly timed their words were. Riley took a deep breath and plunged onward, speaking the apology he'd practiced so many times before their last argument.

"I knew, deep down, that you didn't mean to hurt or upset me by what you did. It was just such a shock that I reacted without thinking and did so badly. If things hadn't gone so wrong with Hunter the very next day, I would have apologized to you when you showed up at my apartment. Then there's the whole fiasco last week. I panicked when I saw my mark noticing our encounter and said such hateful, horrible things to you, none of which you deserved."

"Riley, even though I had the best of intentions, it was not my place to agree or disagree with your involvement with Hunter. It was most unfair of me to try and set you up, without at least discussing it with you."

"Let's put it behind us. Both of us made mistakes, and both of us are very sorry. I am...happy to get to know your brother. This whole thing between he and I is very confusing, but I do like him. I like him very much."

They embraced for a moment, separating when someone opened the door. Harley was there asking if they ever intended returning to the table so they could finally eat. Laughter followed them back to Jacob and Riley wondered when the last time he had felt so happy was. Truly happy, rather than just going along as he now realized he'd been doing even in his interaction with Sara.

******

"I want you to take me, Jacob."

They had barely entered the apartment when Riley pressed himself close and whispered those words. He hadn't intended to say anything right away, had wanted to wait until they were a little more along with their touching and kissing. Those activities had begun down in the car but neither wanted to get too involved down where they could be seen and interrupted. It was this consideration that made Riley want to make his own intentions clear.

"Please don't feel you have to do this," Jacob whispered back, nuzzling into the light brown hair. "We can wait until you're absolutely certain it's what you want."

"I am certain. Can we at least try? Maybe I'll find that I can't, but now I feel like I can do this and want to do it with you. Ever since we met again, you linger in my thoughts and in my dreams. I never thought I could be attracted to anyone again, but you've blown through all my defenses."

Jacob pressed light kisses from forehead to mouth, gently tasting and loving. Riley experienced the sweetest, most wonderful touches of his life. He opened his mouth on a sigh and accepted the questing tongue, heart fluttering at how right it all felt. Their tongues stroked and teased until all thought fled from his mind. Clinging tightly to the strong shoulders before him, Riley melted into Jacob, confident of being held and supported.

Quick fingers undid the buttons of his shirt before spreading open the two sides. The gasp of pleasure at the sight made him blush. Riley didn't understand it. He had been completely naked with this man before, but the reaction he got made him feel shy and unsure. His own fingers shook slightly as he worked at Jacob's shirt needing to feel the press of skin to his own and maybe feel more at ease.

Jacob eased the shirt down his arms before shrugging out of his own. With a lust-filled expression, he drank in the sight in front of him. "Oh God, Riley, you're so beautiful."

"Please don't," Riley murmured, lowering his eyes to the last button he undid.

A finger lifted his chin. Riley saw those incredible brown eyes looking at him with confusion. "Why?"

Thinking and talking about a small, random conversation that had so shaped his self-perception wasn't high on Riley's list of things to do. It seemed so silly and inconsequential after so many years and so many experiences. It was silly and obviously still a problem if he couldn't take a simple compliment.

To give himself time, Riley gently disengaged from the embrace and moved off to the window. It would be easier to talk without having to look at Jacob. He remembered that day, back when high school graduation was fast approaching. He was already out to everyone, even if he was still fairly inexperienced, and getting ready to move to the city for college.

"I came out to my friends and family when I was fifteen, mostly because the way I'm built automatically made the guys in school think I was gay. When it became clear it would continue whatever I said or did, I just admitted it. I didn't really have a hard time of it, although it sure felt like it at the time. Other than jibes and insults from the jocks, I didn't have to endure much. No beatings or anything like that, anyway. I was on the receiving end of a couple of punches, but overall, it was good.

"My parents were good about it too. They were confused and unsure what to do, but they insisted they loved me anyway and did their best to be understanding. My close friends didn't turn away and if we weren't as close as before, they stood by me. See? Compared to some, Blue for example, I pretty much sailed through it unscathed."

His voice trailed off, remembering that time in his life. He had no regrets about the way his life had been shaped, even if his hand was forced in the matter of his coming out. Having heard several horror stories after moving to the city, he was quite pleased with his background, though he never bragged about it to people.

Now he was at the part of the story that would explain why he came to detest his delicate build, even though he was more filled out than he was back in school. He had grown more after leaving school, worked to build his muscle mass even if it was still pitiful when compared to someone like Jacob.

He was quiet for a long time. Jacob excused himself to get some beer from the kitchen and then encouraged Riley to sit on the couch. Riley complied, but still kept his eyes down, fixed on the bottle he held in his hands. It wasn't until prompted to continue that he found his voice. He sighed and gathered his courage.

"Two weeks before graduation, I was called into the counselor's office. He wanted to give me information on scholarships and loans I might be qualified for. I didn't need them, because my grandmother had a college fund for me and I was good for lodgings. My cousins lived right near campus and offered to put me up.

"I'm not entirely sure how, but the conversation came around to my orientation. Mr. Warden advised me to keep the fact that I was gay to myself. I was very surprised and asked him why. He told me that..."

Again, Riley let his voice trail off. He remembered how shocked and upset he felt at the explanation. He remembered being angry the more Mr. Warden talked. He should have dismissed the man immediately. Maybe he should even have reported him to the school, because as a counselor his advice was supposed to be solid and helpful. Instead, he'd let the words fester and take root in his mind. The fear grew until it was seemingly confirmed the first week of the summer term he'd signed up for.

"What did he tell you?"

The soft-spoken question, loud enough for Riley to hear, but low enough not to startle, allowed him to continue. He felt his lips twist wryly and he hunched his shoulders further.

"That since I was such a pretty little twink, none of my teachers would take me seriously and I wouldn't make good progress in my lessons. He then..."

"He what!?" The exclamation startled Riley into swinging his eyes up to see Jacob's angry countenance. "I can't believe he would say something like that!"

"Yes, I was taken aback," he replied cautiously, before going back to finish the advice he received from Mr. Warden. "He then warned me that if I decided to be open, to take care not to be taken in by flattering words about my looks. Some professors, he said, might take advantage of what they believed to be my lack of intelligence. That was followed about the different kinds of gay people there were out there."

Even though he was gay and admitted it freely, Riley never actually did much research about the subject. He didn't know anyone else who was openly gay. There were some in town, but they weren't really acquainted and he didn't feel comfortable seeking them out just for information. After he got into college, and the apparent truth of Mr. Warden's warning became clear, he didn't particularly want to find out more.

Riley was only vaguely aware that Jacob had begun to pace in front of the couch, still angered about the revelation. He saw it, but it didn't really register, since he was lost in the past, wondering if he should talk about what happened to him that summer. It was highly embarrassing and even though it explained why he took the warning to heart afterwards, it wasn't really relevant.

He didn't get a chance to decide one way or the other. Jacob crouched down in front of Riley, one hand cradling his cheek while the other took hold of his shoulder. It took a moment before the words sank in, because the touches felt so nice.

"How could you have believed him? He was so obviously just spouting off nonsense about something he didn't have a clue about. The man probably did a very superficial search and stumbled on some obsolete information that wasn't the least bit accurate. Anyone with half a brain would have known that!"

Riley didn't think; he reacted. He shoved Jacob back and felt a thrill of satisfaction when the man fell over. "Fuck you! It's so good to know that, while that definition of a twink is not true, I'm still just a pretty face without half a brain. Don't bother getting up. With the door right there, I should be able to see myself out without getting lost in the process."

Luckily, he was able to find a cab as soon as he reached the sidewalk. He finished buttoning up his shirt and pushed the heels of his hands hard into his eyes. How could he have been so stupid again! He'd let his guard down, started believing in himself after a year of self-doubt, only to find he truly was incredibly stupid.

How could that be? He finished his college courses in just under three years, so he had to be smart. Yet, once again, the moment he found a man who attracted him, who he believed was sincere with him, it was only to find they were only using him. No, Jacob hadn't used him. Riley was the one who had chased after him. He was the one who deceived himself that Jacob saw him as more than just a beautiful face. It was all his fault.

If he was fair, he couldn't compare this with what happened with Hunter. Hunter really had deceived him, pretending to find him intelligent, with opinions that mattered. From now on, he wouldn't let himself forget the lesson learned from Mr. Hunter Nelson.

A new and irrelevant thought intruded on his self-pity and shocked him. No, it couldn't be true. Riley sifted through bits of half-forgotten conversations and information contained on his computer. It was thin, but now that the thought had come to him, he couldn't dismiss it.

He laughed when the first thing that came to mind was to call Jacob and run through the possibility with him. God, he really was stupid when it came to people. He might be smart when it came to work and books, but for the rest of it, everyone else was right. He didn't have a clue.