Defeating Greyness

Seriously, I thought? She's my captive and I'm knocking on her door? I wondered if the guys on the island knocked on the gratings as well before opening them and killing the people inside. Still, I was not like them and didn't want to be.

Not hearing an answer, I just entered and found her just waking up. She already looked a bit better. Her skin didn't look dead any more, just, well, slightly dead. Her bruises had started to heal.

She opened her eyes and smiled and looked like she meant it. Seeing that felt good. It felt good to have rescued someone, to help someone, to have company. Damn, it's starting again, I thought. Stop, you idiot.

I gently placed the tablet on her bunk. She looked at it like it was the most valuable thing she had ever seen. I swear she would have wept if she hadn't been so dehydrated.

"I wasn't sure what you'd prefer." Damn, I sounded like some sort of waiter.

She laughed softly. She was so weak I could barely tell it from a cough, except her mouth was turned up at the corners.

"You're silly. But you're so sweet. Thank you."

"Silly?" I smiled back to her.

"I'm going to eat and drink anything I can get. That's what you do when you've almost starved and died of thirst."

"Oh, yes, I see."

"You better limit what you bring me, though. It takes all my will power not to gulp everything down at once."

"I see. Just tell me how much you want, okay?"

"Okay." She smiled again. "You're really sweet, you know that?"

"I... Well... Ah, should I show you how the toilet works?" Sweet? That was a new one, too, though not as scary as 'hero.'

"Could we do that later? There's no need right now, I've been on a strict diet recently."

We both smiled despite the serious issue.

"I know. These wellness resorts always overdo their slim down programs."

"It sure was effective," she laughed in between sips.

"The room seemed a bit damp from the outside."

"Yeah, and the room service was terrible. But the sea view was spectacular."

We both laughed and forgot the dreary situation for a few moments.

"I'm Boris, by the way."

"Marie."

"Nice to meet you." I know, it was idiotic under the circumstances, but it's what you say after you introduce yourself, isn't it? What civilized people do, yes?

"Yes. Yes, you could say that," she replied, suddenly very seriously. "It was sure nice to meet you. You know, when everyone around you gets slaughtered one by one and you sit there in a cage, awaiting the same fate, the amazing thing is, there is always hope, at least for me. That's how I am, always optimistic, never giving up. I always hoped for some white knight to rescue me, as unlikely as it was. And then, against all odds..."

She was suddenly at a loss for words and started to sob, but there were no tears coming. I couldn't even begin to imagine what she had been through. How terrifying and utterly horrible these days must have been. Again, I didn't know how to react.

She pulled herself together and looked me in the eyes again. Here it comes, I thought. She's going to say something that's going to make it impossible to get rid of her again. Or at least very difficult.

"Thank you, Boris." Phew, that wasn't so bad.

"You're welcome."

"I know I wasn't what you came there for."

She was right and we both knew it, so I just remained silent. The bonding I had feared had already started. This was not 40 or 45 kilos of needy humanity anymore, this was Marie. I was determined not to be deterred from doing what needed to be done later, though. My own life depended on it.

"Don't worry, Boris. Whatever you plan to do with me, it's still better than the fate you've rescued me from."

I really tried, but I couldn't think of anything appropriate to say.

"What's it called?" She had forced herself to sound lighter again.

"What?"

"Your boat, Boris. What's it called?"

"It's... I have no idea."

"You don't know the name of your boat? How can that be? Did you steal it and never look at the bow?"

"Ah, no, no. I bought it alright. It's just, I've never thought about naming it."

"You haven't even named your yacht?"

"There never was any need. It's just a tool for me. When I bought it, it was named Angela, Angel, or something like that. That lettering was removed during the overhaul and I never bothered to rename it."

"Anna."

"What?"

"Let's call it Anna. She was my friend until... until a few days ago..."

Oh, shit. "You're sure that isn't too painful for you? I mean naming the boat and saying the name all the time?" Saying the name 'all the time'? Had I just really said that? Damn, I hoped she hadn't noticed. I didn't want to give her false hope she could stay. She had obviously noticed though, and briefly smiled.

"No, that's not how I am. I don't avoid my shadows. I confront them and deal with them." Her words were far stronger than her voice.

"Oh." Very unlike me, I thought. I tended to just let things flow and avoid uncomfortable issues. That was probably the reason I was still idly floating around the Atlantic Ocean, unable, no, unwilling to tackle my long-term problems. I was a master at procrastination, always had been. She wasn't, apparently.

I looked at her again and noticed both cups were empty, the sugar had vanished and my guest was asleep again. I silently collected the dishes and left her alone, locking the door and feeling like an asshole for it. Again.

In the early afternoon I sat on deck, looking at my own version of 50 Shades of Grey again. I was in a better mood than I had been for... however long I'd been alone on the Atlantic. I heard a faint knocking from below. Almost in panic I rushed under deck, cursing myself for not thinking about my guest. I had just fed her one more time in the late morning and then forgotten to take care of her. I quickly unlocked the door and yanked it open.

"Sorry," we both said simultaneously.

We both laughed.

"I actually might need the toilet now."

"Oh, sure. Sorry for not checking on you earlier."

"You really are one of the good guys, aren't you?"

"Oh no. No, you could ask my ex-girlfriends, they would certainly..."

I stopped when I realized that she could NOT ask my ex-girlfriends. They were almost certainly all dead by now. That thought started to weigh heavily on me.

"Come on, show me that toilet, okay," she said, bringing me out of my obvious funk with her pleasant tone.

"What? Yes, sure. First you open this valve. You need to remember to close it again later; it's really important. This lever is for flushing."

I realized she hadn't looked much at the device in question, but was mainly watching me.

"Were you listening to me?"

"Yes. I need to open and close this valve, and this lever is to flush. And you're a nice guy and a hunk."

"What?"

"Just stating the obvious. Now hush and leave me alone, okay?"

"Okay."

I left her cabin and was still too confused to even think about locking the door. A hunk? I mean, technically, she was a woman. I guess she was about my age, I was never any good at telling. She probably would be attractive, once she was clean and healthy again. But I had forced myself to keep regarding her as some kind of neuter. Seeing her as a female would make dropping her later even more difficult.

After a while she tried to join me on deck, but had problems navigating the steep staircase. I jumped up to help her, cursing myself again for neglecting my gentlemanly duties. Wait, what? Me, a gentleman? That was new, but I liked it. Anyway, I more or less lifted her up the staircase. It felt like lifting a child.

At a height of 1.80, I never was a giant, nor was I ever regarded as muscled. Even though I considered myself plain and average, women had always been as attracted to me as they had been disappointed in me after a while. Here on my boat, without having the need or means to train my body and being on a mild monotonous diet, I had not only lost most of my body fat, but also most of my muscles. While lifting her, I thought that her diet had been much stricter and that she was alarmingly light.

I helped her find a nice place in the cockpit and wrapped her up in a blanket. Even though we were near the Azores, it was a chilly 10°C.

"Thanks," she said, still panting a bit.

"You're hungry?"

"Boris, I'm always hungry," she laughed.

"Okay."

I decided it might be about time for some solid food and got her two cookies, a glass of water and a vitamin pill. Thinking practically, I placed everything on a plate. When I presented her my offering, she pointed at it and started to laugh almost hysterically. I was confused and stood there like an idiot. But damn, did she look and sound adorable when she laughed. I changed from looking like an idiot to looking like a smiling idiot. Damn, I could get used to this.

After a while, she had calmed down.

"Boris, where are we now?"

"At a safe distance from Flores, don't worry."

"Okay, but where are we sailing to?"

"What?" That question caught me flat-footed. "I... Well, I usually don't think too much about my destination. I just... I sail back and forth the Atlantic Ocean. I try to stay away from land. Flores was my first exception."

"I see. You have enough water?"

"Yes, I have a solar and wind powered reverse osmosis device."

"I have no idea what that is. I guess it cleans sea water?"

"Right."

"You're not a big risk-taker. You wouldn't have approached Flores without a reason. So I guess you're short on food?"

"Not yet. But I will be in a year. Well, I mean..."

"You would have been in a year if you hadn't picked me up?"

Wow, talk about blunt.

"Yes."

"You prepared this boat for this, then?"

"What?" She continued to surprise me by her line of questioning, but it seemed she knew what she was doing. I decided to go along for now. I was even glad she was thinking that clearly. I had been a bit aimless for the past year. No, make that for my past life. "Yes."

"You surely have a Geiger counter?"

"No." I felt my face turn red. I had wanted to punch myself for forgetting that numerous times. "I'm afraid I forgot." For some reason I felt ashamed I had let HER down, not me. This was bizarre, as I was going to drop her as soon as possible anyway.

"Okay, nothing we can do about that now." We? "Why aren't you fishing all the time?"

"What?" Again, she caught me on the wrong foot. I had not even thought about that. How dumb was that? I was sailing in an ocean full of fish and had never thought of that? Well, an ocean probably full of fish. Make that maybe full of fish. I had no idea about the current state of the marine ecosystem. "I don't have fishing rods," I mumbled.

I said that because it was embarrassing, but still less embarrassing than admitting I had never thought about fishing at all.

"Okay. We need to change that. You have enough of those vitamin pills?"

"Oh, yeah. Enough for a lifetime or two." She smiled at that. Damn, why did she have to smile so cute when I mentioned the two life times? I realized that I smiled as well.

"Good." I wasn't sure what she was talking about. Maybe she wasn't sure as well. "We will need fishing rods, though."

I looked at the empty sea around us theatrically as if looking for fishing equipment. "Not too many of those around, it seems. Not even sticks or lines-"

"I wasn't thinking about building some from sticks and lines. We need professional rods. Our lives will depend on this."

"Oh. Right." Our lives? I chose to remain silent, though. It seemed her leadership was what I needed right then and I didn't want to stop her while she was in the middle of kicking my ass out of my lethargy.

"There was a shop for that stuff on Flores."

"Probably looted a long time ago."

"I doubt it. They were looking for other stuff. Food and fuel mainly. I have never seen anyone fishing after the riots started."

"How did you get there, anyway?"

"I was on vacation with my friend Anna."

"No, I mean how did you get into that cage?"

"We were looking for food when we were captured."

"Damn."

"Exactly. The island's original vegetation is mostly gone by now. All the food stocks are long gone."

"So what is everyone eating?"

"I don't know. I think the group that captured us might have been eating humans." She shuddered as she said it.

"What happened?" Damn, why did I ask that? I didn't want to hear her story. I didn't want to sympathize.

"Anna and I were in a group of tourists. She was the only one I knew. We were quite safely hidden in an old, sturdy building. We were trying to help each other as much as we could, as you would have done as well."

She said that without any irony, but for me it still sounded this way. Mostly because I had to realize that I hadn't helped anyone so far. I always thought I was one of the good guys, but suddenly I felt like an egoistical bastard.

"There were gangs roaming around, killing each other, looking for people, food and fuel. Our food and water were mostly gone, so we couldn't continue to hide any more. We were forced to search an area that had already been searched by others countless times. It was hopeless. I think one of our expeditions was spotted by a gang and they followed our team to our hiding place. We were shocked to find a horde of vicious looking and armed guys outside, surrounding our building. They shocked us even more when they showed up with a bulldozer to tear a wall down. They easily overwhelmed us and put us in those damn cages in the sea. Each night, some of us were dragged to the shore. No one ever returned. We just heard the drums and the screams. I was the last one. Anna went quite early. I still remember that last look we exchanged when she was pulled away. I think she mouthed 'run', but I can't be sure. She'd been my best friend for years."

"Damn." Despite my resolve not to sympathize, this was a horrible story. Survival chances or not, I was really glad to have rescued her.

"I'd have nightmares, too. In fact, I have some, but they're tame compared to yours. At least I don't scream at night."

"Oh. You heard that?" She seemed a bit embarrassed.

"Hard to miss."

"Sorry."

"Nothing you can do about it. Have you heard anything about the situation on the other islands or the mainland?" I felt the urge to distract her from the cage horror, her dead friend and the nightmares.

"No, the communication with the mainland just stopped. As far as I know no one on Flores had any idea what was going on."

"Damn."

"You should know more about these things than I do. You have sailed the seven seas since it happened. What's going on in the world?" She was clearly eager to hear my answer.

"I have no idea."

"How can that be?" She looked almost upset.

"I've been hiding on the Atlantic Ocean," I confessed, feeling like an idiot.

"Why? The world is your oyster. You have this boat. You could go anywhere."

"I..." I was at a loss for words. No, I wasn't. I just didn't want to tell her a truth I tried to avoid myself.

"You were afraid?"

"Partly, yes. I was living quite comfortably. I had developed this routine. It was lonely, but it was bearable. My situation was safe, if only for a limited time. I never was a fighter and I was convinced the first humans I'd meet would love to take away everything I have, including my life. So I kept myself hidden, trying not to think about long term issues."

"Too passive."

"What?" Her short statement had shaken me. More uncomfortable truths.

"You were like a deer in the headlights."

"Well, I... I don't know... no, not exactly."

"I know, not a good comparison. Let's say, you had a stable situation and you didn't want to change it."

"That sounds better."

"But your resources are limited."

"Of course."

"So with every day cruising around aimlessly, you are lowering your chances of long term survival."

"What?"

"You are constantly losing chances to explore the world, to learn about the situation, to find food supplies, to find long term survival opportunities."

"Ah..." Okay, not a truly brilliant reply, but her remarks were so accurate that it was the only thing I could think of.

"So, think clearly now, while you still have the time. What do you need most?"

"Food."

"How long will it last?"

"About a year. Maybe longer."

"Before you took me aboard."

"Ah... yes."

"You need to get rid of me as soon as it seems safe."

"You know..."

"That's okay. That's the reasonable thing to do." She smiled sadly while nodding her head gently. She suddenly looked like a small girl. I wanted to comfort her and tell her everything was going to be okay, but of course I couldn't. Nothing was ever going to be okay again. Not for her and not for me.

Afterwards there was an awkward silence and I watched her slowly nodding off.

Startled, I woke up. A brief panic overcame me. I had slept while Marie was not locked in her cabin. Still, I was clearly very alive. Not only that, I was covered in a blanket that I didn't remember having put around myself. I looked around in confusion. She was nowhere to be seen. I went under deck and found her in the galley, cutting something with my large bread knife. That is a knife you could easily kill a sleeping person with, I thought, even if you are very weak. Still, she hadn't. Anna, as my yacht was now named, would have been hers, but I'd have to be dead for that and I clearly wasn't.

She watched me, smiling calmly. I had the feeling that she knew exactly what I was thinking. It was no coincidence she held that knife. It was a message.

"You can trust me, you know?"

I relaxed. I knew I could. It felt good. I had never fully trusted anyone in my whole life. She, with this simple demonstration, had just proven that I had finally found someone I could trust. She had not harmed me, even though leaving me alive lessened her own chances. I was impressed and a bit ashamed. Even to think about dropping her off somewhere felt selfish, compared to what she had done.

"Yes. I know," I just said. We both knew the implications.

"Good." She smiled sweetly. Somehow, she looked different. She was so... beautiful. Then I realized it. She was clean. She looked incredible, even though she was still way too thin. Her long blond hair wasn't a stringy mass any more, it looked fluffy and very attractive. Damn. She sure was pretty. The transformation from a nameless and sexless entity to a woman was in full progress. Despite the months alone at sea, there was no real sexual attraction though. Not yet. I could already see that she was a very attractive woman and it wasn't hard to predict the effect she'd have on me once she'd had regained her strength. The ideal time to get rid of her would be after she was on her feet again, but before I had the chance to develop feelings for her.

"I know. That's why they saved me till the end, I think."

"What?"

"I know that I'm pretty. I will be, at least when I'm completely myself again. I guess that's why they wanted to save me until last. The tastiest morsel or something like that. I have no idea what went on in those heads."

"Oh." What else could I say? She knew exactly what I was thinking anyway, it seemed.

"Are we going to turn around to Flores?" I was a bit surprised about this change of subject. She seemed to do this all the time. From being emotional and vulnerable to being tough and pragmatic.

"You think we should?"

"Yes. We need those fishing rods." We. Again, she had said 'we'. Again, I didn't object.

"Assuming they are still there."

"I think they will be. The gangs don't seem to do much practical stuff, they are too busy being violent. No one would dare to just sit there, fishing. They are hiding somewhere, frightened and starving. Assuming there is anyone left."

"So how do we do it?" Okay, now I had done it myself. I had used 'we'. If she had noticed, she didn't show it.