Defining Cheating for Couples

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A definition of cheating for couples considering threesome.
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Part II -- Chapter 1: Defining Cheating

Introduction:

The consideration of having a threesome brings many challenges for a couple. There are some challenges that are fairly obvious, like being able to successfully deal with watching your partner having sex with someone else. While other challenges are less obvious, such as resolving the social message that a relationship needs to be monogamous. Resolving the issue of monogamy particularly defining cheating can pose a hurdle especially because cheating is a term we understand but it is a word that has a specific meaning for each person. Such variation can create different expectations when considering a threesome and it if not resolved it may mean each person is held to a different standard. Overcoming the different definitions of cheating becomes quite important in the context of having a threesome since the success of the threesome and ultimately a couple's relationship may hinge on the definition. Therefore, successfully defining cheating, this author feels, is a cornerstone of having a successful threesome. It will define what activity is acceptable in a threesome and how much tolerance a couple will have between defining what is an acceptable misunderstanding and actual cheating. In addition, this author believes, how a couple defines cheating will ultimately determine if they will have a threesome or not. For a couple, a lot can hinge on how they define cheating. This section will provide an opinion regarding the a definition of cheating by exploring some of the sources of the idea of cheating, then by breaking the topic down into its elements and finally this chapter will propose an alternative definition that may work, for some couples.

The Beginning -- Early Experiences shaping the definition of cheating.

It is important before discussing how to define cheating that the reader begins to grasp how complex the definition can be due to varying individual experiences and how difficult it can be in reaching a common definition for cheating. Probably an unifying element is for cheating to occur a breaking of a trust must occur but what remains unclear is what event breaks the trust. In order to understand the reason for the variation regarding the event that breaks a trust in a relationship, it is important to look at person's childhood. Childhood is a time in our lives where our job is learning. Learning occurs in many different formats. It occurs formally in the classroom and it occurs informally through our interactions with our environment, such as playing with friends. During our childhood we play a lot of games that have rules, as we get older the rules become more complex and we become upset when a participant in the game intentionally breaks a rule in order to have a greater chance of winning. At that point we become upset and claim that the person "cheated." Then as we get older formal game playing begins to end and we play a more abstract game called dating.

Once we begin to "date" we begin to apply the rules we observed about relationships from adults around us along with our observations we begin applying our own belief system to the rules we feel that should define dating. Early during our dating experience, when a relationship tends to be short-term and we begin to learn how to care for another, we begin to confront the issue of what is cheating. The person we are dating may have gone to the local soda fountain for a phosphate or talked to a person of the opposite sex. Cheating, during this time, is clear-cut whereby any physical contact with someone else, regardless of how trivial it is, or acts inconsistent with our belief of what a couple does, is considered cheating. This leads to a "check-list" being developed because we have not learned how to communicate effectively in a relationship and the "check-list" serves as a way to protect ourselves being hurt while dating. Such a "check-list" defines physical activities we define as cheating and other activities if occur will ensure the relationship comes to an end. However as we get older and become better at communicating, in a relationship, then the cheating "check-list" we developed as young adults becomes challenged. Once it is challenged it requires some introspection in order to determine where our feelings on the subject lie and in most cases the "check-list" becomes no longer is fit for purpose. Should it be no longer fit for purpose, this means some type of change has been made to the person's world view and it means the person's definition of cheating is evolving. Moreover this means, the definition we hold for cheating is a continuously evolving definition based on experiences and challenges to the definition.

Trust, the foundation for defining cheating

Trust has many meanings and it means different things to different people. In the context of relationship that is considering a threesome in order for a relationship to last and to function there must be trust. Essentially trust can be defined as the reliance on what someone is saying or doing is true. However when you begin talking about a committed type of relationship, such as a couple considering a threesome, then trust takes on a broader meaning. Trust in this case also means that the success or failure of the relationship is linked with maintaining a trust. This usually means there is an interrelationship between trust and boundaries. Boundaries define the limits to which the threesome will operate and it builds a level of trust, this author feels, by building confidence that the threesome will not go outside of those boundaries. By having boundaries it allows the relationship to function by instilling a level of trust, otherwise this author feels having a threesome will become much more difficult.

This implies that any communication must be based on honesty and there cannot be any deceit. Such a statement also implies there is no universal list to determine truth. Instead truth comes about from the examination of the situation and understanding the person. Furthermore it can be said that trust is a core element that forms a relationship and without being able to trust the other in a relationship the relationship cannot function. Therefore this author believes that, trust develops over time resulting from effective communication, learning about the individual, and is the result of working together as a team. The more a couple invests in their relationship by developing trust and defining their limits of their relationship the more likely it is able to weather adversity. The trust is broken it may be repaired, though not guaranteed, by re-establishing trust.

How does trust and having a threesome relate? Having a threesome requires that trust exists and having a threesome relies on the fact that no one will break an agreed boundary. Also it requires for a threesome to be successful that each person trust the other two. Having a threesome is not like going to a burger place and trusting that the cashier will get your order correct. In a threesome situation you essentially trust the other two with your life and that they will respect you enough to adhere to the boundaries.

Finally, the question becomes how does trust and threesome relate to cheating? Essentially cheating results from a trust being broken. In a threesome situation boundaries are principally the union of each person's sexual comfort limit and by exceeding that limit trust is broken. Once trust is broken cheating becomes a possibility. This then raises another question is trust and cheating interlinked?

Difference between Trust and Cheating

Up to this point this author has not defined the difference between trust and cheating. However in this section the difference will become clearer. It can be said there is link between trust and cheating. This means cheating cannot occur if there is no emotional investment in trust being maintained and without the emotional investment it can be said no cheating can occur. Example of where this is a friend with benefit relationship. In this type of relationship, it does not matter if the person is being honest about having sex with someone because the type of relationship is based on physical attraction without needing to maintain a trust for the relationship to exist. This does not mean that a friend with benefit relationship does not require trust; instead it means the level of trust needed is less because other elements such as attraction have a role in maintaining the relationship.

The difference between a friend with benefits and a committed relationship is the emphasis placed on cheating. Cheating implies that violating a trust carries a heavier penalty than a feeling being hurt temporarily or that the relationship can continue without addressing it. In a primary relationship if cheating occurs it has a devastating impact on the relationship. A primary relationship can be thought of as a couple that has established a relationship but is looking to bring another into it on a temporary basis for the purpose of pleasure. Therefore trust can be said is something that is needed when forming a relationship, regardless of how temporary it maybe. However for cheating to occur it requires an emotional investment in a primary relationship.

Knowledge of Partner, what does that mean?

Before defining cheating it is important to define one more concept, knowledge of partner is a term that implies having a relationship with a person and from that experience a knowledge base is developed. Then from that knowledge base certain expectations, expected behaviors in a given situation, and if the relationship develops long enough a particular "couple's language" develops whereby the couple develops their own words along with a specific communication style. The communication style and language serves as a foundation for understanding. However when in a threesome situation it is best to return to the basics by abandoning any special words and any special communication style in order to ensure that nothing gets missed. Nonetheless the specific communication style and words could help as a way to communicate interest or lack thereof when selecting the third person.

What does this all mean, a proposed definition for cheating?

This author feels that the definition of cheating can be defined by a couple in a long-term relationship when a trust has been either intentionally or recklessly violated. Such a definition excludes simple misunderstanding, excludes emotional cheating (e.g. emotional affairs), and instead requires that violating a trust is something that can be expected from the chosen action taken. Expecting an action to violate a trust means that there is an awareness, at some level, that performing the action will result in a loss of trust and even though the awareness exists the individual nonetheless chose to partake in that behavior.

The above definition can seem confusing and this author will present two scenarios to highlight how to apply the definition.

Scenario 1: Couple A (Mr M & his wife Mrs A) agree to invite another male, Mr D for a two male threesome. A boundary for Couple A is that Mrs A can perform oral on Mr. D but Mr. D cannot cum in her mouth. During the threesome Mrs A performs oral on Mr. D that results in him cumming in her mouth. The question becomes did Mrs. A cheat on Mr. M by violating the boundary?

Discussion: This is a difficult question to answer as there are allot of "it depends," and a need to evaluate the situation in order to determine if cheating did occur. One area to be considered was Mr. D aware of the boundary and was he asked to let Mrs. A to know when it was close to "cumming" so that he could try to pull out? Another question to be answered, did Mr. D cum too fast because of the excitement and stress of the situation? It could be that even if Mrs. A had warning that it could not have been avoided because Mr. D "cummed" too quickly. Third question to be answered what was Mrs A intention? A lot of this revolves around what Mr. M knows about his wife and the current state of their relationship. Also, it comes down to what Mrs. A felt about her decision to perform oral on Mr. D to the put of "cumming" and if she was willing to take the risk that it might be seen as cheating. Finally, did the couple risk assess this activity, meaning did they realize that this was a possible consequence and they were prepared, as a couple, to accept that Mr. D might not be able to "pull-out" in time. My feeling the answer comes down to how important this boundary was to keep, how much discussion occurred, the understanding each person had of the boundary, and given their planned threesome how practical it was to expect Mr. D would not "cum" too fast.

Scenario 2: Using same couple from above, they agree that any communication with the third person would be transparent, whereby each of them would be present when any communication would occur. Mrs. A waits until Mr. M goes to be and uses IRC to plan a meeting alone with Mr. D. Mrs. A does not tell Mr. M of the meeting and he only discovers it a few days later when he discovers a saved chat between the two of him while he was a sleep.

Discussion: Unless there was some agreement between Mr M & Mrs A, such as she should meet him alone or that she should talk with him alone, then it is probable that cheating had a occurred due to the fact, as a couple, they agreed that any communication would occur in the presence of the other. Mrs. A should have known or did know that communicating without her husband present to meet the other alone would be considered cheating since it is in contrast to what has been agreed. For a couple wanting to have a threesome and avoid cheating it means that they need to have definable boundaries that are understood along with being agreeable. In addition it means that for the couple they must rely more on their knowledge of their partner when considering if cheating has occurred in a threesome. If a couple encounters a violation of a boundary during a threesome, their definition is quite rigid and do not examine the violation in the larger context by trying to determine what caused it to happen then it is this author's feeling that couple will face major problems for their relationship .

Finally it goes without saying threesomes are risky, even if every precautions are taken and it is planned meticulously. Defining cheating and if a violation of trust occurs then considering it in the context of why it happened does not ensure protection from anything damaging to the relationship. All it ensures is that added protection to the relationship is given via communication and agreeing on the definition.

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Freudzslip69Freudzslip69over 1 year ago

What an annoying ridiculous bunch of gobbled gook.

Tw0Cr0wsTw0Cr0wsover 9 years ago
three

Threesome = three-some

Any time one of the members of the primary couple meets the outside person for sex without the other member of the primary couple present it is not the three in threesome.

So communicating about meeting separately beyond a simple no is breaking trust.

Any further attempt by the outsider should result in breaking all contact with the outsider if trust is to be maintained.

(Time to find a new playmate.)

One of the primary couple meeting a lover or lovers without the other present is not a threesome, it is either an open marriage or cheating, depending upon knowledge and assent of the other primary member or lack of them.

roomfor1moreroomfor1moreabout 13 years agoAuthor
Reply to Anonymous on 22 February

Hi Anonymous,

Thanks for your reply and I find it quite intellectually probing that will keep me thinking long after my reply. The perspective that I try to use in the thought piece is similar to your belief, whereby if it in the open and communication occurs then no cheating has happened. At least from my perspective developing a laundry list of behaviors that define cheating is, for a lack of a better word, adolescent and can create problems for a couple especially if one of them assumes that their partner has the same world view as them regarding cheating. Instead I try to propose a definition that is fluid and can be adaptable because it is defined by the couple, not society, religion, or a list.

Moving on to your statement about the psychology regarding cheating for mfm versus fmf is intriguing. At least from our experience if the relationship is solid between the couple then the other male is not seen as threat to the relationship and plays a role in providing additional pleasure for the female half of the couple. The second male becomes an extension of the couple's sexual exploration of their boundaries. Provided that the communication exists the second male will understand his role and when the time comes to end the relationship, it be easier.

With that said, because it is easier for us to arrange a two male threesome and the lack of interest, on both of our parts, we have never explored fmf threesomes. The only thing we know of is more anecdotal experiences where the invited woman becomes enmeshed into the relationship or there are feelings of jealousy that resulted. Best thing I can do is speculate that the a possible reason for the difference is women are a bit more territorial regarding their partner due in fact after the age of 19 women are the dominate gender and if she finds him a suitable partner then she has a vested interest in keeping him. Whereas males are better able to separate physical sex from emotions and have less vested.

I am by no means saying that men do not have anything vested in a relationship. Instead I am saying men are better to think logically and to keep the physical aspects separated from the emotional. Alternatively I am be 100% wrong on my observations, what do you think?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
I Wonder?

Is there a different psychology for a MFM threesome than a FMF threesome, and therefore different conclusions concerning the cheating question. I for one don't see how consensual sex between three people, two of whom are married or in a committed relationship can be considered cheating. Everything is in the open and known to the couple. Second guessing is another matter. I think a more relevant issue I'd whether it was an enjoyable experience for the couple, and whether they would repeat it? If the sex is good and satisfying, what is the problem?

roomfor1moreroomfor1moreabout 13 years agoAuthor

I respect your opinion and feel you are entitled to it. Since you posted a very interesting and respecful reply I thought I would post a reply in response to it, as you are aware I have a different perspective. My hope by replying it can spark other responses that are as respectful as yours.

The perspective that I use in my series is that there is no universal definitions or universal set rules. Instead I feel the rules and definitions we learn is from our experiences over time. Since we all have different experiences we develop different rules and different expectations for the same event. Since having a threesome can have a major impact on a couple's relationship, I feel, approaching it with the assumption that your partner and the invited third person has the same world view as you can lead to problems later. In order to minimize potential problems from the threesome, I feel each couple needs to define for themselves their boundaries, their definition of cheating, and define how their relationship works. This means they need to talk about it, look at their relationship from different perspectives, and if they are going to undertake something such as a threesome then they need to determine what it will mean for their relationship. By such approach, I feel, will lead to accepting responsibility for making the decision to have or not to have a threesome.

At least for me, if a couple approaches a threesome as though the boundaries have been broken and cheating has occurred then, I feel, it set up the relationship for failure. The failure, I mean, is if a couple uses your perspective then if they have a threesome it can become ammunition for one of them at a later date thereby creating more problems for them. My hope with the opinions I present in my series is that it can give a couple a different perspective and gives them points to consider. By publishing the series, I am not saying my approach is the right approach and I am not saying that by following my series that the reader will not have problems if they choose to have a threesome. Instead I am presenting an opinion for them to consider and look at it from their situation.

What do you think?

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