Degrees of Separation

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"Oh come on Mark," Helen chastised me, noticing that I wasn't amused. "Julie was just shooting the shit. You know she wouldn't do anything to upset you."

"Do I?" I growled again. "I'm not sure I do."

The other women fell silent, shocked, looking back and forward at Julie and me, clueless as to why I was so upset. Helen opened her mouth to say something else, but closed it again, changing her mind.

"I'm getting tired," I snapped at Julie. "I'm ready to go whenever you are, unless you want to chance your arm with lover boy."

Julie recoiled, her friends gasped, and I turned tail and left them, cursing her silently for what she'd said, and myself for over-reacting. I'd heard her say things like that before, and I'd heard half the other women do so as well for that matter, and had laughed it off. But that was then and this was now.

The rules had changed.

The dynamics weren't the same.

Our relationship was damaged.

Julie came running after me, pulling me into the empty corridor, and promptly apologised and told me off as well.

"I'm sorry Mark," she said, gripping me by the arms. "But there was no need for that outburst. How the hell are we going to explain that away?"

"There was no need for you to let him stick his cock in you Julie," I pointed out.

"He did no such thing and you know it," she shot back angrily. "I can't damn well help it if he's got a hard on when he danced with me. It happens to me all the time, and don't tell me that you've never done the same thing with some of the girls who are here tonight."

"Maybe," I felt forced to admit. "But I don't grab their asses and rub it up against them."

"Look, I exaggerated Mark," she quietened down. "OK, he tried to take a few liberties but I warned him off. It was just girl talk for God's sake. Why are you reacting this way?"

"Why the hell do you think I'm reacting this way?" I asked, suddenly calm, my question all the more pointed as a result.

"Oh!"

"That's it? Just, Oh?"

"I think we'd better go home Mark," Julie gave in with, suddenly sounding defeated. "This isn't working."

"Why don't you stay here Julie?" I sniped at her. "You seemed to be enjoying yourself."

"I was. Maybe next time I'll come on my own and really enjoy myself," she snapped back, but made for the front door anyway, grabbing her coat as she went out, with me a few steps behind her.

Well that went well, didn't it?

---------------------

For the next several days it was like walking on coals, hot ones. We manoeuvred around one another, trying to be polite, or even better having nothing to do with one another. It couldn't go on, and sooner or later I felt that it had to explode. As it happened, it was more like an implosion.

"We can't go on like this Mark," Julie told me calmly, one morning.

"It was you that started it," I pointed out. "Are you going to drop this stupid idea?"

"If I did, if I promised to," she half sighed, resignedly. "Would you believe me?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Think about it honey. If I'm late home from work? If I want to go out with the girls for the evening? If I'm dancing close with some guy at a party like the other evening? When I go off on one of my company seminars for a week? What would you be thinking? Would you really trust me now Mark?"

"Good question," I said, sighing deeply. "I don't know. It would be difficult so maybe not."

"I no longer know if I can trust myself Mark."

"Nothing more to be said then."

"Then our marriage is finished, isn't it Mark?"

"Sounds like it."

------------------

Oddly enough, the future, or lack thereof, of our marriage safely out of the way, we managed to get on a bit better. Not well you understand, but better. We talked, we laughed and we even cuddled a few times. We still slept in the same bed; it seemed churlish not to do so, but I carefully kept to my side, and Julie returned the favour. We did wake up one morning with my arms around her and spooning up against her, but immediately upon waking pulled away, distancing ourselves.

Trouble was, I didn't want to. Pull away that is. She was so beautiful and I still loved her, and this was breaking my heart. I absolutely wouldn't stand for this separation deal she'd asked for, but I hated the thought of loosing her.

Then it happened. I got ambushed when I came home from work the next day.

"Mark. One of the men at work has asked me out to dinner," Julie hit me with. "I'm not sure what to say to him."

"Do you want to?" I asked, trying to cover my dejection.

"Yes Mark," she whispered. "Sort of, but I don't want to upset you."

"Would it upset you if I went out on a date with one of the women in my office," I gave as my answer. "How about that pretty coloured girl that works in accounts?"

I had no real, or at least imminent intentions of doing so, as good as the girl looked in the tight jeans that she frequently wore, and didn't even know for sure if Julie would remember Sarah from our last Christmas party. I'd said it to strike back at her more than anything. Sort of tit for tat, and hoped for a reaction, but not quite the one I got.

"What?" She screamed at me, her eyes bright with anger. "That slut? What have you been up to behind my back, you cheating bastard?"

She shut up, fell silent, reaching up and covering her mouth with her hand in surprise, while I stood there, shocked, my mouth open but unable to let the words I next intended to say escape into the charged atmosphere.

"What I meant was ......' Julie eventually broke the long drawn out silence, but then, having done so, couldn't finish the sentence.

"What did you mean?"

"Nothing," she sobbed. "I didn't mean anything."

"Julie," I cried out, reaching up for her, but she pushed me away, crying openly, sobbing that she had to get out; that she needed some air, grabbing her coat and fleeing to the front door and outside onto the street.

I didn't stop to think, didn't hesitate, and leapt up and ran after her. My woman was in pain and I couldn't let her run off like that. I couldn't desert her. Thirty feet down the road, I caught up with Julie, and without thinking about it, took her hand in mine. She made a token effort to shake me off, but when I hung on, I felt her give in, and a few moments later answer my gentle squeeze with one of her own.

We walked, the two of us, hand in hand for a good half a mile not saying a word to one another, Julie from time to time sneaking nervous glances up at me.

"What are we going to do Mark," she asked at long last. "I love you and don't want to loose you, but ...."

"But what honey?"

"You know what Mark. Some days it's alright and I think I've got over it, but other days something happens and I want to scream out in frustration. It's silly things like seeing some cute guy walking by, or one of the men at work stopping to ask me a question, or even one of my male clients ringing me up. You must hate me."

"I could never hate you Julie," I assured her. "You shocked me that first time you gave me your ultimatum, but I just don't seem to be able to stop loving you."

"I didn't mean it as an ultimatum," Julie replied, and something clicked. For some reason, I remembered something she'd said that first evening. It was clutching at straws and pretty feeble ones at that, but maybe worth trying.

"Julie," I started, trying to remember exactly what she'd said. "That first night, you said something about another option. One that I wouldn't like, but you never told me what it was?"

"You won't like it."

"Try me."

Julie took several deep breaths before speaking. "That I could see other men, discretely of course and nobody we know would know about it. Not many. Maybe one would be enough."

"But probably not," I interjected quietly, when she hesitated.

"No," she agreed, not able to meet my eye. "I wouldn't do it in your face. I wouldn't embarrass or humiliate you in any way. Nobody we know of course and it wouldn't be often. Just being free to go out on my own occasionally, and letting some strange guy chat me up. I'd tell you all about it, or keep it my secret, as long as I had your approval, unspoken if that's what you wanted.

Her voice got more animated as she spoke, encouraged no doubt by my continued silence and lack of objections, maybe hoping that her words were convincing me.

But she was about to be disappointed!

"I couldn't do that Julie," I told her solemnly. "It's not me. I haven't got it in me to stand by and let my wife carry on like that."

"I know," she agreed, her burgeoning excitement fading. " I did say you wouldn't go for it."

"Why the hell didn't you just go off and cheat on me and get it out of your system without me knowing for God's sake Julie? Why did you have to be so bloody honest?"

"I couldn't Mark, not behind your back," Julie mumbled quietly. "I couldn't cheat on you."

"You could try," I cried out in desperation, not really considering what I was saying.

"I did try," she shocked me with. "That guy, Carol's cousin at that party. I can't even remember his name. I'm sorry but I lied to you Mark. He did rub his cock against my tummy and I pushed right back. He did feel my bottom and I didn't discourage him. He asked me to go out into the garden with him and I was so hot for him that I agreed. I thought maybe I could do it, and get away with it without you knowing. I thought maybe if I let him fuck me then it would get it out of my system, or perhaps show me how stupid I was acting. Anyway, he led me round the side of their garage and shoved me up against the wall, then kissed me roughly and grabbed my breast and squeezed it hard. I was hot, sweating, desperate for it and it was everything that I've been dreaming of, so I begged him to fuck me. He reached down and stuck his hand up my skirt, and .... and ...."

"And what?" I demanded, my fist gripped tightly together, the tightness in my chest suffocating me.

"And I couldn't do it Mark," Julie continued, suddenly almost matter of factly. "I just couldn't cheat on you behind your back and told him to stop. He didn't, and when he tried to drag my skirt up I slapped his face. He called me a bitch and started to pull my top down so I kneed him between the legs, and he let go of me and staggered back. I ran off and he called me a prick-tease but at least didn't follow me."

"I'll kill the bastard," I growled.

"No you won't Mark and it wouldn't be fair. I led him on. Thought it might solve our problems in some way but I was kidding myself and it wouldn't have solved anything, just made things worse. I tidied myself up and went back inside, and damn it if the girls I joined up with didn't start talking about him. Like a fool I said what I said and you heard it. I was somehow proud of myself that I'd pushed him off, but then you were there shouting at me and it didn't seem fair. That sounds stupid now, doesn't it, but I wasn't thinking straight."

"Christ!" I muttered, stunned by the tale she'd related.

"So you see Mark, I couldn't do it; can't do it. I can't cheat on you any more than you could agree to me doing it. There's only one way despite the risks involved, the way I suggested."

"Even if it ends our marriage?"

"I refuse to believe that. We'll find a way. We'll get back together again."

"And if we don't?"

"We will Mark. We have to."

That about ended the conversation, with neither of us having anything further to contribute. My wife was going to go off for a while and fuck a bunch of guys and then come back and our marriage was going to be OK again.

Ha, bloody ha. My wife was indeed delusional.

Sighs all round, and we somehow took one another's hand again, and walked slowly and silently back to out house. Our marriage was over and all that was left was to pick over the remains. Nothing to be gained by getting upset about it. I'd argued, shouted and screamed, just about everything except hitting her and that wasn't going to happen.

------------------

Discretely I started packing a few things together ready to make the break. Not clothes, but tools and things, the sort of things that you don't need every day. I just assumed it would be me leaving and Julie was showing no sign of sorting out her things, but then of course, she was still planning on coming back if it was her that left. Our house was rented and we both had our own cars, so it would only be a matter of sorting out the bank accounts and that wouldn't exactly be terribly challenging.

We never actually discussed it, and never set the date, but Julie was due to go off on one of her weeklong medical seminars that she helped to organise regularly. We both knew that the drugs company she worked for was full of attractive young things, with nearly as many men as women, so the chances were that one of her team that week would get the ball rolling. If not then some damn doctor might be the lucky bastard.

The morning Julie left I waved her off as she drove away, determined that I'd be packed and gone by the time she returned on the following Saturday. I couldn't help but notice the tear in her eye as she waved goodbye back to me, and I only managed to hold on till I got back inside.

We both knew, but weren't admitting it.

It was like a damn train wreck that you couldn't stop happening. The train was running wild down the hill gathering speed, brakes failed and nothing to prevent the catastrophic event that was about to happen.

-----------------

I was in turmoil the first few days, almost convincing myself that I should go along with her suggestion, but knowing deep down that I was kidding myself.

It was over.

Every day I wondered what guy my wife was flirting with, and every night, who she might be sleeping with. Not healthy, and by the Thursday I hadn't exactly progressed my packing, promising I would start seriously that evening when I got home from work, and reprimanding myself because I hadn't done anything about finding somewhere else to stay.

I was so fucking miserable when I parked my car that evening, that I almost didn't notice Julie's car parked in front of our house.

What the hell was that doing there?

I didn't reach the front door before it flew open and Julie burst out, rushing out to greet me, and crying out my name as she threw her arms round me.

"I met this man," she told me excitedly, not exactly the news I wanted to hear. "He was wonderful."

Ignoring my protests, she carried on enthusiastically, "I met him the first night Mark. He's a Doctor. Older than us, about fifty or so. I had dinner with him and he's solved all our problems honey."

"Sorry Julie," I retorted, pushing her away and trying to keep my anger in check. "I warned you. This isn't going to work."

"Of course it will work Mark. Can't you see?"

"All I can see is that my wife has gone off and slept with some stranger and now thinks everything will be OK. Life ain't that easy."

"What are you talking about?" Jenny asked, calming down and staring up at me in puzzlement.

"You and other men," I snapped. "You cheating on our marriage."

"Oh that."

"Yes damn it, that!"

"But that was before honey," she said, a look of pleading in her eye, and this time it was my turn to look puzzled.

"So who was this guy that you fucked?"

"What guy? I did no such thing."

Bloody hell, this was getting confusing!

"This man; this bloody wonderful doctor. That's who I mean."

"He was great, wonderful. I spent every evening talking to him."

"Talking?" Well that sounded odd.

"Yes he was a psychologist, happily married with three lovely children."

"So?" I queried, still not seeing it. "What's his kids got to do with anything?"

"But don't you see, my wonderful husband?" She asked, and of course I didn't.

"It's my age, my hormones. My body was trying to tell me something but I got the wrong message."

"What bloody message?"

"I want to have a baby honey. I don't need other men. I need a baby."

"But I thought you said ....."

"I know what I said when we talked about it before," Julie interrupted me, boiling over with joy. "But blow my career Mark. I want to have a baby. I want your baby."

"So all that ...."

"Rubbish," she interrupted me again, grinning wildly, still desperately clinging onto me like a drowning woman.

"Tom my doctor friend explained the whole thing. Apparently he wrote a thesis on the subject and is an expert. Forget dating other men, who needs them? I want a baby honey. I want to get pregnant. I've come back early once I knew. Please help me."

Well ......

Not saying that I took it all in at first really, or that I didn't harbour certain doubts for a while when I did. Julie duly gave me a short note from her doctor friend written out on some very impressive looking paper. Explained in plain English that even I could understand, that women, some of them, go through changes at certain times of their lives, and that one of the crucial times is as they approach the latter stages of their life when they are still capable of bearing children. It's apparently as common in existing mothers as it is in woman that have never had children, except that the former have a pretty good idea what it is, and the latter can often end up upset and confused. The good doctor, rightly or wrongly, put down many marriage break ups to this problem, and had been delighted to sit down and talk through the whole thing with Julie when she'd confessed her feelings to him.

Not saying that I understood the whole thing, but I was half convinced, and when Julie rang him the second night back, and got me to talk to him then I found him pretty convincing. It was a silly thing that prodded me over the edge in the end, him joking about how much it would have cost us if we'd gone to his office for a consultation, but that knowing that he'd saved the marriage of such a beautiful woman as Julie, was reward enough.

Couldn't really argue with that, and in truth even if I could, then I simply didn't want to. If there was a genuine chance that this would work, then I was up for giving it a serious try.

"What about your job Julie?" I asked, still trying to come to terms with the new situation I found myself in.

"What job?" She grinned back. "I've already given my notice in. I thought six moths might be about right. Give them time to chose someone for me to train up, and enough time for you to get the job done."

"Better get started then," I chuckled back, and taking her hand, led her up to our bedroom.

------------------

Epilogue (Some people like them, so for the avoidance of doubt ...)

She wasn't far out, and six months later found us satisfactorily four months pregnant, which wasn't bad, considering she had to let the effects of the birth pill wear off. In actual fact she went part time for another three months, more I think because she wanted to show off her new lump to her colleagues, than anything else.

Some women have bad pregnancies and some good, but Julie was resplendent. Her skin, her complexion and her hair shone with good health, and she smiled and laughed so much that I had a job to keep up with her.

Our friend Helen did ask Julie, seeing how deliriously happy we were, what the outburst at the party had been about, and she spun her some yarn about us getting frustrated because we'd been trying for a baby without success, but that now, evidently, everything was just fine and dandy. We never heard it mentioned again, and that guy, what was his name? Carol's cousin: well he went back to Dubai and we never saw him again. Just as well really, because he was a lot bigger than me, and apparently had been in the parachute regiment.

Little Harry, named after Julie's dad, was born perfect, and I found my nose pushed out a little for a while by the two delighted grandmothers who couldn't get over their excitement. Not saying they ever did, but things did get back some kind of normality, and we were just beginning to enjoy it, when ..... Julie fell pregnant again.

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