Delete Contact?

CHAPTER ONE

The phone suddenly felt heavy in her hand. And quiet. She had never realized how quiet it could be. She longed for it to make a sound, any sound, even if it meant spam in her inbox. Did she do the right thing? Five years. Had that much time really gone by? She checked the screen again. The message glowed as bright as ever.

Was about to delete your contact information. I don't know why I haven't done it before now. Just never seemed, right. Wanted to make sure you were OK.

She read the words over again, analyzing each one. Should she have told him that she was deleting him? Deleting him. As if he would disappear from existence if she hit the button and let this last piece of him go. That was the underlying issue, she knew deep down. The last proof that he ever existed.

No reply. It wouldn't be long now, before the panic set in, for real. First, it would be the wonder of his demise. She always went to death first. Then she would come to her senses and realize he just truly did not want to hear from her again. But the words he had left her with were on a loop in her head: See you around. Clearly he meant that as a kind gesture in the place of "go fuck yourself."

She checked the side of the phone to make sure it was not in silent mode, despite the fact that she had such a tight grip on it her fingers were turning white. Surely she would feel it vibrate. The sound was on, the volume turned up as high as it would go. Suddenly she had a strong hatred for technology. Because it was definitely the phone's fault she had made the rash decision to reach out after all this time. And it was obviously faulty equipment preventing him from replying.

They had met online. She was a newbie in the world of message boards. He was the veteran who helped her through the battlefield of trolls, catfish and sock puppets. He was the most popular figure on the boards, and he gave her his attention. It excited her, and terrified her, at the same time.

It was ten years ago, when it all began.

The first post. Well. There it was. She had written it out and clicked the post button without too much thought. They know I'm here now, she thought. It started quickly. As soon as the words showed up on the screen, there were responses. None of them good. They told her she was unwelcome, they told her she should leave, die, for all they cared, just get out of their clubhouse, this instant. She had a feeling things might go this way. That is why it took her six months to announce her presence. She settled in and began to respond. To every one of them. She was honest. True to herself and her beliefs. It was her first big mistake.

The first private message hit her inbox within a week of her blowout bonanza in which she made clear that she would not be bullied into leaving for any reason, including death threats and being called every derogatory female name known, and unknown, to the men throwing them at her. The message was simple: you are fighting a battle you cannot win. Continue this and you will be the one banned from the site. And it came from him. Mr. Popularity. She knew his name. It was all over the site, in thread after thread. He was funny, and smart, and good looking. She tried to remember where she was, what he was - Gay.

Some of the posts she had encountered in the threads made perfect sense. She knew she had stepped into a world she might not be welcome in. Gay men. While she had the same sense of humor, same likes and dislikes, and same need to express herself, she had entered their space, and she was an outsider, in so many ways. She hit reply: Thank you for your concern. I will try not to fight so hard. She hit send, knowing she had lied to him. She would never stop fighting. It would be one of many times she told him what he wanted to hear.

She figured that would be the last of it. He had reached out and sent her a warning. She had replied in kind. But then he started coming to her defense in public. They began to banter, in threads, with others watching. She liked it. That was her second mistake.

The private messages became more frequent. A getting to know you period. If there were really such a thing when speaking to others behind a screen. In words, she never hid herself. She never pretended to be anything but a strong-minded, opinionated, force for equality, female. But while he changed his avatar daily, showing his face to the members of the board, or at least the face he wanted them to see, she rarely used a photo of herself in public. But him, she shared with. Everything he wanted to know. And even some things he didn't.

It wasn't long before they took their conversations to other platforms. Instant messaging was both a blessing and a curse, in their budding relationship. Here they could speak daily, hourly, minute by minute. And usually did. Here they could discuss the message boards, what people meant by their posts, devise plans to post things in unison. And of course, get to know each other on a personal level. She knew the basics already. He was married. He and his husband were on the rocks. They had two children through in vitro. Twins. A boy and a girl. He lived in Georgia. Which was nowhere near her.

On the boards they were both a force and a much talked about "thing." They made dumb comments about it, the two of them, and others played along. They flirted outright, sometimes going beyond innocent banter. Some hated it. Most just ignored them.

The first cracks in the illusion that became their "relationship" began outside the boards. He had gone out clubbing and met a guy. For a time their message board "love affair" and their instant message based "relationship" became skewed. On the boards, everything remained the same. Prom King and Prom Queen. Outside the boards, she was helping him interpret the words and movements of the new guy, helping him figure out if there was something there. It was in these moments that she lied most. Lied to him, encouraging him even if she felt there was none to be had, telling herself she was OK with it, even though it killed her inside. She would soon learn that while those moments were deathly scary as they were happening, they didn't last long.

The falling apart began when the guys he was asking her to help with were on their message board. Their sanctuary. Their place. Naivety was not usually something people equated to her, but in this case, she was the master of it. They had known each other three years now. Their relationship was rocky, to say the least. They would fight, stop talking, apologize, fall back into old habits. Rinse and repeat.

He came along like a whirlwind and overturned everything in his wake. This new kid. Young and cute and immediately popular. With his sights set directly on her dude, who fell hard. She split herself in two. One half ever the protector, helper, positive coach, encouraging his attempts at courting his new friend. The other half fighting desperately to hold on to the status of their own relationship. And it was when those two halves collided that all hell broke loose. It was the first of many times she would leave him.

As with all the others, it was short lived. Both her hiatus from him, and his love affair with the newest boy toy. The final two years were strained, to say the least. She had left the message boards while on her break from him, and in her return, did whatever it took to distance herself from the former Prom King and Prom Queen status they had come to know previously. The rift that caused, publicly stating they were no longer a "thing" was one they would never recover from.

Their final fight was about politics. The old adage of never discussing politics or religion was becoming true. The odd part was, they were on the same side. But damages to their relationship had gone long past repair. And in their final correspondence he had told her he was going to live life offline. Leaving her with the words she was still holding on to: see you around.

That was five years ago. She had emailed him since then. And it bounced back. He had truly erased himself from the digital world, or at least from the world she knew him from. She scrolled past his name every so often in her contact list, wondering why he was still there. Knowing the truth. She couldn't let go just yet. Now here she was, asking the universe to be on her side.

She knew he existed, she had seen him once, in person. In the oddest of their encounters. They had both been at a meet-up organized by members of the message board. He was too shy to approach her, she was too proud to go first. The signs were all there. Theirs was an odd match that probably wouldn't last. But how far had he gone to erase himself from what she knew of him?

The familiar tone of her text message pulled her out of her thoughts. Her heart beat faster, her stomach suddenly felt ill. Instinctively she knew, her answer was waiting. She slid her finger across the screen to open the message.

All is well here. K and I separated, finally. Kids are growing way too fast. I got a job, I travel to LA sometimes. Have thought about contacting you, but was never sure if the time was right. Good to hear from you. What's new?

Tears fell, unwanted. He was alive. She hadn't realized she was so scared of the alternative. She stared at the screen for a second, wondering if she should reply right away. Oh, who was she kidding. Her fingers were on the keys before she could wipe the last tear from her cheek.

Same old, same old. Keeping busy with freelance work. Next time you are here we should at least try to have coffee or something.

Her finger hovered over the reply button. Would it scare him off, suggesting they get together? She erased that line. Then typed it out again. Screw it. Worst case they would go back to never speaking again. She had survived that for five years. She pressed reply.

She was friends with technology again. The familiar dots, indicating he was replying, showed up immediately. She warned herself not to fall back on old habits. Sending him messages and expecting him to answer her right away.

I'll be there next month.

Next month. Do not get excited. Casually suggest finding a time to meet.

Cool. Let's try to get together then. If you have time. And want to.

He was replying before she even had that done.

Are you seeing anyone?

Again she reminded herself to be calm. He was just curious. Do not get your hopes up.

No. You?

No.

How to respond. Sorry? No. Not going to lie to him. Let's try this a new way. Be honest up front.

I am sorta glad about that. In a selfish way.

I sort of am too.

There it was again. He was giving her hope. Do not overthink it. Play along, have fun. it was always better when you were just having fun.

So tell me about your job. You like it?

I do. Sales, mostly, but I get to travel around the US a bit.

Good. You said kids are growing fast, you get to see them a lot?

Yes. I still live in Georgia. Near them. My own apartment. I have them during the week, when I'm not traveling. After school. Bring them back late evening. Works out well.

So glad to hear that. You seem happier.

I am. ...You probably won't believe me but, I have missed you.

I've missed you too.

She ignored the urge to say more. To over analyze. To ruin their moment.

I gotta get back to work. Kids will be out of school soon. We will talk soon. Promise.

TTYS. :)

She read the words over and over again. There was nothing in them that said anything but what they meant. No matter how much she tried to make it otherwise.

Soon turned out to be late evening that same day. Her text message alert startled her.

Is your instant message name the same?

No. Using Skype now. It has IM without video, too. My first and last name, all together.

Coolies. Will message you - if you're able to chat?

I'll be online shortly.

Her laptop was already open in front of her. One click and she would be online. With him. She hesitated. Her heart was racing. She was unsure if it was out of fear, excitement, or a combination of both. Probably the latter. The familiar tones that let her know she was logged in sounded and she waited for the notification that he'd sent her a message. She did not have to wait long. Going through the "accept this user's messages" routine brought her back to the old days. When she'd delete him and then have to accept his requests again. She vowed to do things better this time.

Ellis: Hey

Sarah: Hey

Ellis: Feels weird. Doesn't it?

Sarah: Yeah, a little bit.

Ellis: How was your day?

Sarah: Good. Did some writing. Reconnected with an old friend. Ya know. The usual.

Ellis: Ha. I had a similar day.

Ellis: Have you been back, there, at all?

She didn't need him to explain where, there, was. He meant the message board. The place where they had met, the place that held all the tension, both good and bad. She wasn't sure how much she should tell him. She had been back. A few times. To see if he had returned.

Sarah: A few times. Just to check and see if it was the same. I found that it was. Never stayed long.

Ellis: Yeah. Me too. I actually stayed off the Internet for a full year.

Sarah: Wow. That's amazing. What did you do?

Ellis: Watched a lot of TV, movies, read stuff. Spent more time with the kids. After K and I finally decided we were better off apart, I slowly got back online.

Sarah: I hope that process wasn't too awful.

Ellis: The divorce? No. We had been essentially separated for a while anyway. He was good about letting me see the kids, you know, since technically he could get full custody and not let me see them at all.

Sarah: DNA does not make you any less their father.

Ellis: I know. And thankfully K felt the same. So I moved out. We had to go back to Boston to finalize the paperwork.

Sarah: How did the kids do with it?

Ellis: They took it pretty well. They knew. Kids are smart. They saw it as fun. A new place to hang out. My apartment building has a pool and play area, families all around us.

Sarah: That's great.

Ellis: What about you, what have you been up to?

Sarah: Freelance work, mostly. Life has been pretty much the same for a while now. Keeping myself busy with design, writing.

Ellis: You still talk to Lily?

Sarah: Yeah. She comes to LA once a year, sometimes twice, depending on money and time.

Ellis: Cool. Is she going to be mad at you for talking to me again?

Sarah: Probably. But I'll talk her out of it.

That's how the conversation went, for at least two hours. She knew they were dancing around the big topics. Their past. Their present. Their future?

Ellis: I should probably go to sleep. Late here.

Sarah: Time zones. Damn them.

Ellis: You'll be around tomorrow?

She started to respond then paused. Did she really want to start the daily routine? Yes. She did. But was it wise? Stop overthinking.

Sarah: Yeah. I'll be here.

Ellis: Coolies. Talk to you then. Night.

Sarah: Night. E?

Ellis: Yeah, still here.

Sarah: Thanks for replying to my text.

Ellis: I'm glad you sent it. I'll see you soon.

Sarah: Night.

As usual, she re-read the exchange, looking for hidden messages. She knew there were none there. Knowing would do nothing to quiet her mind. And as she expected, she was up all night thinking about what she had done. Think positive. This was a good thing. A new beginning. They were away from the message board. That toxic wasteland that sucked the happiness out of them. He was single now, and working. Plus he was receptive to talking again, and that was more than she ever thought could happen.

CHAPTER TWO

Lily was online as soon as Sarah signed on to Skype. She knew she would have to tell her about the previous day. Just how quickly she got to the topic was up to her.

Lily: Hey. How do?

Sarah: Hey. All good. You?

Lily: Slept all day yesterday, woke up dead early today, tried to do some drawing. Went to see a movie with co-workers.

Sarah: Cool. So. I have to tell you something you're not going to like.

That didn't take long. She knew she was not going to be able to hold out. She took a deep breath and thought about how best to tell her friend that the guy who had dealt her the biggest heartbreak of her life was back in it. And it was her choice. That would have to be the way she went about it. And then groveling. And possible bribery.

Lily:?

Sarah: I talked to Ellis yesterday.

There was a long pause. She could tell her friend was writing something, Skype was good for that. She was probably trying to spell out every curse word she ever knew, both American and British. She thanked the heavens she was thousands of miles away right now.

Lily: Who contacted who? On the phone? Online? At the boards? Also WHY???!

Sarah: I contacted him. Via text. Because I was about to delete his contact info and needed to know if he was still alive.

Lily: Oh, so you just, contacted him, found out he was alive, and then deleted him?

Sarah: Not exactly.

Lily: Not exactly, or not at all?

Here goes nothing.

Sarah: We texted a bit. Then spent a few hours chatting here on Skype.

Lily: You are so lucky I am in the UK and unable to come over there and beat you over the head with something not soft.

Sarah: L, I know. It's different this time, I can feel it.

Lily: You sound like a domestic violence victim. "He loves me, he said he won't do it again."

Sarah: I am not a victim. He didn't violate me. We had an online relationship that ended in a dumb way.

Lily: He did violate you. Maybe not physically, but mentally. He made you believe things were happening that weren't and he never respected you.

Sarah: Deep breath L. A lot of that turmoil was self made.

Lily: There it is again. It's different. It's partially my fault. Tell me you can't see that?

In a lot of ways she did see it. But she was different now. She had different perspective. Different self-awareness. And she had more sense than her friend was giving her credit for.

Sarah: Give me some credit here. I didn't go crawling back two days after he left, asking him for forgiveness. It has been 5 years. And just so we're clear, there has been no apologizing and no begging to be taken back. We chatted about family, jobs. He's divorced now. Working. And we're far removed from that place, where we fell into a habit of toxicity.

Skype told her that her friend was typing. But it was several long minutes before she got another message.

Lily: Are you going to talk to him again?

Sarah: Today, probably. L. The jury is still out on whether or not this is a mistake. I know what you're saying. I hear you. I'll be more careful. We're just talking. About nothing.

Lily: That never lasts long. Soon you'll both be making promises you can't keep.

Sarah: I made a choice. And I am going to see it out.

Lily: If I have to talk you off a ledge again because of this guy, you are going to owe me so many things.

Sarah: I know. And I'll give you all of the things.

Her friend was appeased. For now. She smiled. She meant everything she had said. This would be different. She was not a victim and she would not let him make the promises he made to her, and didn't keep. She was reminding herself of that when Skype alerted her that someone else had signed on. Lily and Ellis were the only people on her contact list. Her heart raced in that familiar way it used to when his name turned up on Yahoo. She smacked herself on the side of her head. You're already doing it. Dummy.

Ellis: Hey

She waited five minutes before responding to him. She and Lily had started a new conversation and she was trying as hard as she could to not run to him immediately. Like she had done so many times before. They were the longest five minutes she had ever waited.