Deployment Pt. 02

At first, she wouldn't even look me at me. I sat back in my used-to-be favorite chair and silently waited for her to start. Her face took on a solemn but determined look and she finally made eye contact. She'd come to a decision in her mind.

"Jason, I wanted to talk you about something."

No duh bitch. That's why I'm sitting here. I didn't say that of course. On the outside, I was still and calm. On the inside, I was suffering.

"I have apologized many times over this past year for what I did while you were away. I am more sorry about that than I have ever been about anything else that I've done in my life."

Still I sat there silently. She was building momentum and I was just along for the ride.

"I want you to know that I regret how we got here, but I do accept that we ARE here. So I want to tell you that I'm done apologizing. Part of me had hoped that you would change your mind and stop this divorce. I hoped that you would fight for us and try to forgive me. If you made half of the effort to re-connect with me that you've made with Savannah, we could've had a chance. But you couldn't move past it. I'm not blaming you for the fall of our marriage. I fucked up by cheating. I made that choice, and I regret it with all of my heart."

Still I sat, cool as a cucumber. Or at least that what I appeared to be. I was actually on the verge of an emotional outburst. The more she talked the harder it became. But I held it in.

"I just want you to know that I will always love you, but it's time that I accept what is happening. You aren't going to stop this divorce. So I want you to know that as soon as it goes through, I plan to......start a relationship with Mike."

The last five words that she said hung in the air like a thick cloud. Once they were out, it was like neither of us expected the heaviness that was packed into them. I went through a range of emotions in just a few seconds. First depression, and then hurt, and finally white hot rage.

I leapt up off of the chair and began pacing. Her eyes followed me across the room. Just her eyes. She didn't move her head.

My first instinct was to pass along some of this pain that I was feeling. So, I began to attack her.

"Why are you waiting until after the divorce? I know it isn't because of some deep respect for the vows you took UNDER OATH!" Don't know why I added the under oath part. It sounded right, but it really isn't. We weren't in court when we got married. But I digress.

She still remained calm. It was almost like she expected this outburst and prepared herself ahead of time.

"I know I broke our vows. You are absolutely right about that. But I have learned from my mistake. You may not be able to see it, but it's true. I'm not waiting until after the divorce for you. I'm doing it because I won't make the same mistake again."

She was so cool and so calm that it pissed me off even more.

"Well, isn't that good for you. So, you cheat on me, ripping my heart out and stomping on it in the process, but you get a do-over because you've learned your lesson. Well, I'm glad that our marriage was ONE BIG FUCKING LESSON! CONGRATULATIONS!"

I was yelling so uncontrollably that spit was flying everywhere. Savannah came rushing into the house, breaking us out of our fog. The look on her face told me that she could hear me yelling from the outside. Her eyes surveyed us, checking to make sure that we were okay.

"Hey baby." Alicia said in a comforting voice. I wiped my face with a shaking hand, trying to calm lava that was in my stomach. Savannah went over to her and hugged her in an attempt to verify that she as indeed alright. Alicia kissed her on the forehead.

"We're fine baby. We were just talking and things got a little loud." Then, she looked directly at me and through gritted teeth she asked, "Aren't we fine Jason?" Her eyes were like steel, daring me to disagree.

"We're fine Banana." I even managed a smile when I said that. Savannah softened and relaxed noticeably.

"Go get a sweater on sweetie. You and daddy are about to go and it's a bit chilly outside." She darted off to her room. The two of us sat there, looking at each other. Tempers were cooling, but they were still there. Savannah coming into the house was like taking a hot pan off of the stove and dropping it in dishwater.

"What do you expect me to say Alicia? Did you expect me to be happy for you? Proud of you? Did you think that you were going to get an 'Atta Girl!' from me? No matter how you dress it up, the truth is you broke my heart with this asshole and now you're telling me that you want to ride off into the sunset with him."

"I'm not looking for anything from you Jason. I stopped looking for anything from you. I just thought that I should tell you. I didn't want you to feel blindsided if you happen to come in and see him here. I wanted to give you the heads up so you can prepare yourself for it and not make an ass of yourself in front of your daughter. Like it or not, Savannah does love Mike. I am proud of you for making an effort with your daughter, but that does not get rid of the love that she has for Mike. If you wage a war against him, you may just start to alienate her too. I wanted to prepare you for that. So I understand that you are angry. If you need to cuss me out and attack me, by all means get it out of your system. But when Mike enters the picture, you better not make an ass of yourself in front of our daughter."

Savannah came back full of smiles and ready for our outing. Like it or not, this conversation was over. Alicia said her good-byes to Savannah and, with a final look mixed with regret and determination, she walked out of the room.

"I'm ready daddy." Savannah said. Her toothy smile conveyed her happy mood.

"Yeah, me too sweetie." I said back. The double entendre was not lost on me.