Depressed

I write this memo not as a story, not for literary enjoyment, but as simple a treatise on the sexual depression that is my life. First and foremost, a little background. I am a 33 year old mother of one who is happily married but is far from satisfied. My sex life is boring and growing more stagnant. I am up for anything anytime anywhere, but everything just seems so hard or for younger people. My husband likes to brag to his friends about how great our sex life is, give everyone an impression. It's just a facade. We're down to twice a week missionary if that.

Growing up I was always one of the most attractive girls in my social circles, I gained many advantages in life from this fact. Blonde hair, blue eyes, and fake Dcup globes on my chest with a penchant for dressing slutty. As I grow older now, I am losing that edge I once had. The ability to wink and "drop my pencil, bend over to pick it up" is a thing of the past. It works, but some twenty year old is going to do it better. I am over it though. I am aging and I am past my prime so to speak. I have to live with this fact. I have moved on, gotten a master's degree in sociology and a bachelors in business finance, but part of me always wants to be that young dumb little fuck.

What I desire is not so easily described. I do not want another young big cock stud. What I want is... well, depicted below. Keep in mind that these are not necessarily collected thoughts and may be contradictory in nature.

-

I am the type of girl that likes to be an object. I like to think that MY man can come into a room and start unbuckling his pants and without hesitation I'm dropping my panties and spreading my legs. I want all of our friends and coworkers to know, or rather, THINK, that I spend my nights moaning like a cheap hooker for him. Every time they see us together I want them to think that later on I will be on my back for him. At the same time I am getting older, I want to be reminded that I'm not that young little fuck anymore and that my husband looks at and thinks about other girls. I want to be the hole he comes home to, not necessarily the one he fantasizes about. My husband has already has had me, he's bred me like his trophy wife.

He's bragged about me to all his friends and showed pictures of me with a facial to all his buddy buddy employees. And for this, I walk around with a smirk knowing what they all think of me. What they all think I do for him. I like to be reminded that everyone "knows" I scream and spread for him. I dress the way I dress at parties so that everyone knows I'm his trophy whore. At work I'm his good little secretary that bends over the desk at work while dressed in platform heels and garters. It's all an act by the both of us to cover up our boring sex life, but the point we want gets across.

This brings me to my son. I like to think we're being good parents. But I don't want to be. I want my boy to see his dad ignore me when I need emotional support, be a jerk to me, and then watch as I get on all 4's anyway when I'm told. I want him to see that his dad doesn't need to treat me with respect because I'm just a fuck Barbie anyway.

I want my boy to grow up and one day realize that I am not smart supermom, that my education and my degrees and all of that don't mean anything. That all I am, for his dad, a fuck hole. I want him to look at me not like an invincible supermom, but as something to jerk off to. I'm hoping the day comes where he finally snaps and realizes that I'm good to jerk off to. Realizes that he can watch old home movies of me in bikinis and heels at our summer parties, that he goes through my drawers to find my kinky undies and uses them, so that I find them sticky and crusty in the laundry.

I have always been a slut; I grew up in HS fucking for popularity. I secretly wanted my daddy to find out I was stripping when I turned 18 just so he would know what kind of person his little girl was going to grow up to be. I wonder if he would be proud to know his little girl has given blowjobs on pieces of cardboard in an alley to pay off her bar tab, squatting in hooker heels behind a dumpster. I wonder if he'd be proud of me to know I have had multiple men run trains on me and I have no idea of their names. I wonder if he would be proud to know that I spent my prom on my back in a cheap motel next to 3 other girls in the $2,000 dress he bought me. We were doing our jobs, looking like elegant princesses, spreading like cheap whores.

I like to be insulted, put in my place. I like to be told that I'm too dumb to do anything else. I got my first job because I was willing to go topless at a business meeting in a hot tub, not because of my education or degrees. I secretly got a thrill when my husband pointed out that since I can't be used for breeding anymore that there is no excitement about dumping a load into me. I've been used and abused. I'm older and loose compared to someone with a nice tight young fresh hole. I like when its pointed out that I am a bimbo blonde Barbie with fake tits, that I got just so men would look at me.

I like to be reminded that the reality of the situation is that my husband is bored with me, I spend my days masturbating in front of a monitor like a needy pathetic slut shoving large plastic rotating devices in me to feel anything.

-

I am not an emotional person but I have no one to discuss any of this with. I post this only to give myself some sort of outlet, something to make me feel the slightest bit less depressed. I am not looking for criticism or critiquing my grammar, nor am I looking for someone "better" that will "fuck me right". I am simply expressing myself in a private manner to any who stumble across. Questions may or may not be answered.

Lastly, I love my husband more than anyone in this world but my child, do not mistake my depression for him being a inadequate as my partner.