Destroying Fantasies Pt. 03

Just when everyone breathed a sigh of relief thinking Madison was getting back to being the nice girl next door that she had been, she disappeared. Her husband and family were frantic. She had cleared out the bank account she'd solely in her name. She didn't leave any messages indicating any trouble. Only two weeks later did she send a postcard with a postmark indicating a location in California.

In that postcard, she'd said she was tired of obeying the rules all the time and decided to live the way she wanted with the man she loved. She asked her family not to look for her and that she didn't want anything from her marriage, not any money or even her own daughter. Her husband was devastated but had no choice but to focus on the little girl who had been abandoned by her own mother. The family never gave up looking for Madison but had little luck locating her. Only when they looked into the mailbox Madison had maintained on the desktop computer in the house did they discover Madison had gotten into contact with Jackson. He had sent her an email shortly after she'd given birth and they had rekindled their affair.

Over the last year, Madison had travelled with Jackson as he went across different states, dodging the pursuit of remaining members of the biker gang he'd betrayed years earlier. He'd made occasional trips to visit Margaret, his mother but never felt comfortable enough to stay. That changed almost six months earlier when Madison apparently wanted to settle down somewhere. Jackson picked Florida again, just as he had after his affair with Ashley had ended.

It was hard to swallow but Ashley felt strangely relieved that she now knew more about the man next door than she'd ever thought to find out. The air of enigmatic mystery peeled away to show the dents and scars of a complicated man she once had such strong fantasies about. Ashley wasn't sure if she truly saw past those illusions she had and saw the man behind the mysterious air. Yes, she'd had something for the bad boy type but this wasn't just some bad boy cliché, he was a criminal who dodged the law by betraying his fellow accomplices and what was likely his own family. She wasn't sure she'd have gone for that bad boy vibe if she'd known what he was really like.

Thinking about Madison was tough for Ashley. Sure, there was the slight twinge when she realised that it took Jackson almost no time getting over her and shifting back to Madison. Even shorter if she took into account the time between her receiving the postcard and when Jackson started back up with Madison. Then she reflected on the fact that it took Jackson less than three weeks before he fucked her on his couch. A familiar wave of shame hit her again.

How can I possibly judge that woman when I'm no better?

Ashley shook her head as she tried recalling the emotions and thoughts that drove her into the arms of the man next door. As she pondered, she realised it was the first time she'd ever been able to confront her adulterous affair without shying away from the truth of her actions. She was unhappy, she'd felt trapped, drowning in the mundane responsibilities of being a married woman and dreading the life of interminable humdrum drudgery that seemed to await her. Will was preoccupied with work and getting them more secure financially so they could start a family. They were fighting because Will didn't seem to have time to be with her and she was keenly aware that it seemed as if she was becoming less attractive. Her confidence had gone the way of her zest for life, crushed by the burden of middle class struggles.

Jackson had appeared and reignited her bad boy obsession. Along with that obsession came those memories of what life had been when she was younger, when she was back in school, before life became complicated and all its colours muted. She was reminded of the energy and desire for what life had to offer, a stark contrast to the enervated existence she felt she had at that point. Fairly or otherwise, Jackson, with all his enigmatic air of mystery and bad boy vibe, offered not just that freedom she felt speeding away on the back of his bike but also that other life she'd always imagined she would have as a teenager. A life that was exciting, fun, free. A life that didn't include having to work at a boring job, scrimping and saving and dealing with the frustrations of life. A life that she now realised was so exciting because it was undefined. And unrealistic.

Ashley sighed. Her penchant for escapism had coloured all of her illusions and fantasies surrounding Jackson and that other life that she saw herself living with him. All of that merely enhanced the quality of sex that she'd experienced with him. She'd thought she'd experienced the best sex and orgasms of her life with Jackson, fuelled as they were by her fantasies. And if she were honest with herself, the thrill of doing something she knew was wrong, when she'd been eager all her life to conform and gain approval, merely heightened the sexual excitement.

Ashley felt shame turning her all red as she recalled how she'd silently rejected Will sexually after her first fuck session with Jackson. She'd compared her lovers and thought her husband lacking. Yet, the threat of the threesome that Will had initiated on the day she said goodbye to Jackson and her discovery of Will with Lisa had made her more attuned to Will's attractions, something she'd forgotten in all the years they had been together. As much as she hated to admit it, Will had become a different man after his discovery of her affair and in many ways, that and the threat of possibly losing him to another woman brought a new edge to their lovemaking.

Yes, that was the difference! We make love, with anyone else it was just fucking.

Ashley never told anyone but for a time after Will resumed having sex with her, she felt he was merely fucking her. Gone was the gentle, loving Will. The new Will was rough and less considerate. Sure, he gave her pleasure but also took his without worrying if she was comfortable or not. There was a part of him that he kept turned off and shut out from her. Some of that sweet Will had returned when she was pregnant with Cary though she suspected that it was largely because of the baby.

A frown creased her brow as Ashley recalled Will's distance and behaviour during the cruise. She almost facepalmed herself.

How could I have missed the warning signs? Will was so obviously putting distance between us before he set me this test.

Ashley's heart sank as the thought of Will having made his mind up and writing off their marriage struck her.

No! Calm down. If Will had decided that, he would have served me divorce papers. No, he just wants me to see the truth of what I had wanted for so long, the other life.

Now that she was looking at that other life, Ashley wasn't too sure she really wanted another life. She ached to return to her husband and child. Why did the life she once despised look so out of reach now?

****

Ellen silently regarded the younger woman who sat staring at the coffee and toast that lay before her on the dining table. She'd been mildly surprised by the silence that surrounded Will's wife as she sat reading. Perhaps she'd expected the young wife would have been more upset by the news that Jackson was with another woman. Yet Ashley had had little to no reaction whatsoever. It bode well for her marriage.

Abruptly, Ashley asked the question foremost in her mind.

"So what are we doing today? Will mentioned weeks of this test."

"Well, we're going to meet someone once you're done with breakfast."

The younger woman's shrug told Ellen she wasn't curious about the person they were meeting.

"Whatever," Ashley muttered. Then she fidgeted before looking up and asking with some hesitation in her voice, "Can I please log in and see Cary first?"

Ellen smiled. "Of course. You'll need the login details Will gave you."

Ellen marvelled at the bright smile spread on the young wife's face as Ashley smiled at her for the first time since she arrived in Florida. An hour later, that smile had turned into an uncomprehending gape of puzzlement that was accompanied by the slightly swollen eyes of the young mother.

"Who are we meeting?"

"Margaret Miller."

****

Five minutes later, Ashley found herself standing in front of a door in an upper floor in the same condo that she and Ellen presently lived in.

Ashley sat in her former neighbour's living room in the awkward silence that enveloped the three women after Margaret opened the door to them. The questions that flooded her mind the minute she heard they were visiting Jackson's mother were on the tip of her tongue but nothing it seemed could move them past her teeth and into the heavy air.

Margaret cleared her throat.

"I know you're probably wondering why I agreed to talk to you about my son," the older woman started abruptly, breaking the stony silence.

"I didn't want to do this when Will approached me a couple of months back. But he made me an offer I couldn't refuse. You probably know some of Jackson's 'issues'. My boy has always had the devil in him. Came from his father, not from me."

As much as the older woman wanted to appear detached, it was clearly difficult for her to talk about her son and neither of her audience members missed the defensive tone that had crept in.

Margaret's nerves started to get the better of her and her eyes flitted restlessly around the room.

"Now, I know people say I'm to blame for Jackson's bad choices and behaviour. I didn't make the best choices but I did what I could for that boy. Ain't no one can tell me otherwise."

No one said a word in response but Margaret continued on a defensive note.

"I was married at a young age. We were high school sweethearts. Everyone assumed we would get married and we did. Life was tough but we made it through the first few years when there was little. Then he did well and got promoted. Started working all kinds of hours. We wanted to wait to have kids because we wanted to have more money before those young 'uns started coming."

Margaret's eyes started to look unfocused, almost as if the past had pushed aside the present.

"I don't want to say that was what caused me to make mistakes, but that was what it was. We had no kids, he was always working, and I had nothing to do. When he got back, he was always tired. At some point, I just thought, 'This is what it's gonna be like for the rest of my life'. And I just accepted it. Because what else could I do?"

Ashley caught herself almost nodding in sympathy with the older woman. She had never been close to Margaret even when they were neighbours. Yet, she felt that uncanny sense of comradeship as her feelings just before Jackson rolled into town came pouring out of her ex-lover's mother's mouth.

"Then he came into town. That foul mouthed, dirty Irish biker. The type I had always avoided. The type I had always been warned about. I was always protected from that kind of danger and I didn't like those types back in school. Hell, I was the preacher's daughter and brought up to be the good girl. But you know what they say, what's forbidden is always sweeter. It just started off as someone to take some edge off the boring day. Someone to talk to. Someone who had something interesting to say. Not just work and life. Then he invited me for rides. And it was exciting. My husband had never ridden a bike and neither had I. The danger, the wind, the feel of another man's hard body... it just became impossible to resist. Then my husband heard talk around town and he confronted me but I denied it all. We had a horrible fight and I cried when he left for work. Then he came round. He knew I was weak and he took advantage. I had never slept with anyone else apart from my husband and it was exciting. He was different, he wasn't gentle. He took what he wanted and he was rough but I thought that was alright because.. Well, because he wasn't my husband. I wanted something different, you know?"

Margaret spread her hands in a gesture almost touching in its helplessness.

"I just wanted something different. Something exciting. You know how you may like vanilla ice cream but sometimes you just long for mint?"

Ashley could hardly look her former neighbour straight in the face. She never thought the yearning for something different and exciting resulting in adultery would be the hidden connection between her and the woman next door.

"Anyway," Margaret continued after a long drag on the cigarette she'd lit as the talk took its toll on her nerves. "It wasn't long before my husband found out. He was furious and he threw me out. That biker was leaving town and I had nowhere to go so I followed him. He didn't like it much. Found out later he had an old lady back home, couple of states away. I was just a fling. When I clung to him, he started getting annoyed. Soon, he started sharing me with the rest of his gang."

Ashley swallowed past the lump in her throat as the older lady looked down, her pain radiating through her tense frame and trembling fingers that left ash strewn around the table. She didn't like her former neighbour much but she felt the pain of the older woman.

"I didn't like it but what could I do? It became worse after that, a week later I started getting sick and after I started throwing up, I had to see some doctor in the town we passed through. He told me I was pregnant. I thought it would make him treat me better. Boy was I wrong."

Ellen and Ashley winced at the bitterness that leaked from the caustic laughter of the other woman.

"He railed at me like it was my fault for getting pregnant. I wasn't sure if it was his kid or my husband's. So I kept quiet. Then the next day, the bastard disappeared with his gang. Coward didn't want no burden of another child. So he left me at the motel. I had no money except for a few dollars I'd scraped together. The motel owner allowed me to make some calls and I called everyone I could. My friends wouldn't help me, they were afraid of gossip. My mother told me that my father had disowned me and would throw her out if she helped me. I had no help from nobody. I pleaded with the motel owner and was allowed to stay a few days in exchange for me doing some cleaning. Two days later, my husband turned up. The guy who had thrown me out had come to my rescue when no one would. My mother had pleaded with him and given him the address of the motel that I'd told her. He took me back home and got me to the doctor. I wanted to get rid of the baby but he told me that the kid was innocent. And maybe it was his."

The shuddering breath Margaret drew told the other ladies how the memories were stirring emotions she'd buried for a long time.

"I had nightmares about the gang for weeks and my husband was there, just quietly helping me. I saw the man I betrayed doing things for me he didn't need to and that was more effective than a thousand preachers. I prayed so hard that the baby was his. Then Jackson was born. It was such a nightmare that I was sure God was punishing me for what I'd done. But the punishment came later. When Jackson was a year old, he looked so much like that biker that both my husband and I knew he was not his child. One day he sat me down and told me that he no longer loved me and had found someone new. So we divorced."

At Ellen's curious stare, Margaret merely smiled bitterly and sighed.

"Ironic isn't it? The man I thought I didn't love anymore was leaving me and I loved him more then than I ever did. But what could I do? I'd hurt him and he deserved better."

Margaret blinked furiously, battling the tears that rose unbidden to her eyes.

"And he found better. She was a widow who had a young child and had fallen for the quiet hardworking man who was mine but whom I'd thrown away. Although he soon started a family with her, he helped whenever he could. He'd let me stay in our house, helped me find a job and was paying child support though he didn't have to. She was kind too and never begrudged the time he took to spend with my boy."

A rueful smile crossed Margaret's face as she flicked the ash from the cigarette into the ashtray.

"She was probably kinder to Jackson than I was. I didn't want to resent my boy but I did blame him for making my relationship with my husband irreparable. Maybe without him, I could have made things work again. But Jackson was always there. A constant reminder of my mistakes, how I'd wrecked my own marriage and life."

Ashley looked at her former neighbour and wondered if part of the enigmatic appeal she'd felt emanating from Jackson came from the hurt and issues he'd with his family.

"Jackson never understood why there was this distance between us. He didn't understand that every time he acted up and he looked at me with those eyes of his, I remembered his biological father and the hell he put me through. My husband tried to get me to resolve those issues but I couldn't get over them. As he grew up, Jackson was also increasingly aware that he and his father didn't seem to share the same camaraderie that my husband shared with his other children. He never understood. Not until the month before his high school graduation."

Ashley wondered at the flash of pain that appeared in the woman's eyes.

"There was this terrible accident. Some biker had been a nuisance and obstructed my husband's car. The biker distracted my husband and a truck came out of nowhere and hit his car. His children were in the car with him but he took the brunt of the impact because the truck struck the driver's side. He was brought to hospital and they tried to stem the bleeding. He had a relatively rare blood type and his children were injured so they couldn't donate blood. Jackson had rushed to the hospital the moment he heard about the accident and had offered to donate blood. They did a test and told him he was not a match. So he could do nothing but watch the man he'd thought was his father, and who treated him more like a son than his mother did, die. That changed something in my boy. He never spoke to me about that accident or what happened at the hospital. He ran away soon after. Only years later, when he suddenly turn up and asked me about his real father did I find out what had happened when my husband died."

Margaret stubbed out the cigarette and ended her story.

"I never forgot my husband, he'd been more decent a person than I deserved. But life had to go on. I remarried a few years after that. There wasn't love, it was just for companionship. I had to leave that house, that state. Couldn't deal with the memories any longer and my present husband, well, he was my boss and was looking to retire in Florida. He knows this isn't love but it beats being alone in a cold bed. So here I am."

It was obvious Margaret had nothing else to say so Ashley asked the one question she'd wanted to ask from the start.

"Why would you speak to us, to me? You didn't have to reveal all that."

"Well, your husband drives a hard bargain, my dear. In return for him not revealing the location of my boy to those who are looking for him, I have to dish the dirt on Jackson's past. Would have never thought young Will capable of that."

****

Ashley almost collapsed on the chair she'd largely claimed for herself since she arrived two days earlier. The events of the last three days from the time Will dropped his bombshell of a surprise drained her of all her energy and she was convinced nothing could surprise her further. She wasn't quite sure how she'd made the walk from Margaret's apartment back to the one she shared with Ellen. Both women were silent as they picked at the salad and sandwiches that Ellen had put together.