Deudae

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Scars are always deeper than they appear.
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Long story short, use to be a pretty good writer, but that was then, and now is now. Specially looking for constructive criticism regarding dialogue, and scene depiction. Can you imagine yourself within the story? Yet apart from it, a finite observer with no control, just along for the ride?

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Tired. That was the only word that came to mind. It had been a long battle, and countless lay dead over a four mile long stretch of river. The village that once stood there, gone. The smell of death and fire was strong in the air. In a little over an hour, four thousand men had been laid to waste. Only one man, well, being had survived.

At least the fog of war had graduated to rain, that was the one development that was welcomed. The being sighed, the search had been long, and the cloak had already been passed on. "I will find it, and make you whole again, Ujae. I promise you." He whispered to no one in particular, only death was around him.

"Lo-aur was exiled, and even if he was a Te-eshi, he would be well 200,000 years old. Beyond even their ancient lifespans. Besides, the site of his exile is under 600 feet of water. Admit it Buck, you are paranoid."

" I beg to disagree, when he was defeated and exiled, it was by trickery, he was not even wounded. Even after slaughtering most of a 100,000 strong army, mostly by his own hands."

"Ahem. Who is the historian here? Oh yeah, me! I even specialize in that period."

"Weren't his lieutenants immortal though? Then why couldn't he have been?"

"His lieutenants were mostly golems! The few that survived and remained here passed their duty and appearance onto appointed successors within the Lo-auri. The last Lo-auri were dispatched over 3500 years ago."

That remark silenced the conversation. Buck knew that his friend was right, but Buck, like so many younger Elar, was looking for anything to blame his people disunity on other than themselves. Buck was an Elar, the Elarii were long regarded for their peaceful ways and skillful diplomacy. Although, the current civil war was shattering that truth for the younger generations of Elarii.

"Buck, I know why you are acting out, and I can sympathsize, I really can... But this is not the way. My people have an old saying 'Na chu I koe'. In your language, it is 'life is a river'. It can flow, it can ebb, speed up and slow down, swell and shrink, but it never stops moving. If you try to make it stop, it will overwhelm you, and if it overwhelms you, death is sure to follow."

"Frew, your people live on cliff faces, around water falls. Of course if you stop, you will die. The rest of us sane individuals live on 180 degree slopes, not 90."

"The same concept applies my friend. Now I should get going, I am giving on lecture on Buctor the Zealous at three and it is- shit! 2:55, gonna be late." Frew hollered as he dashed off.

Buck snorted, always late. It was a wonder how that man kept his job. Probably because he was the world foremost expert on the Aur era. Of course, he was also a world class historian in many other regions. You should be though, if you lived as long as Frew's people did. Fifteen thousand years, if only Elar could live that long, he thought glumly. The Elarii civil war would no doubt be a topic in his politics class that he was grudgingly marching towards. Also no doubt that Professor Heimgut would want to hear an Elar's thoughts on it.

Stunted as he was, he was still an Elarii, but they had sent him away to be educated. Not pure enough they had said. He glumly remembered how they told that he was not good enough to be educated as an Elarii, and that he go out into the world to be educated for ten years before returning. He may have been an outsider for stunted in Elar, but here, he was even more of an outsider. Standing at least leg taller than everyone else, his lither form would always draw stares, so would his red Elarii skin. But that is where his Elar ended. His mother had been a Sapien, so he looked like most people at Denkar, the capital university of the Sapien world. He had to hunch down to fit in through the door frame as he entered his classroom.

Most of his classmates were Sapien, though not all. Yearo Keyt was a Yaoti, a tall race, they came up to his stunted chest, but were very robust. Yearo was bit of the college bully, and his right hand man was a Richtui. Talk about a strange race, Richtui were usually known for their heavy morality. Most were vegetarian pacifists, so much to the point no living had been killed by Richtui in their home land for over 85 years, impressive when you live to the age of 10 before dying of old age. Of course, Dr. Heimgut herself was no Sapien, she was a Frew- Ciolt hybrid. Her webbed digits were still that of a Frew, but her toughened skin could handle lava, like that of a Ciolt. Indeed, it was theorized that Ciolt were related to, and began as volcanic dwelling Frew.

"Mister Buisceismerk, would you be willing to share with us your view on the current military conflict in your homeland?" Dr. Wandey Heimgut inquired.

"Doctor H, I go by Buck. As for the war, it is not as nuanced as most would like to believe."

"Oh, really? In what ways is it simpler?"

"The Queen has rebelled to put her son on the throne, which by law was inherited by the King brother. Meanwhile, the Council wishes for the King's sister to inherit the throne. Those are the only guises for fighting." The rest of Buck's class was spent being bored since the topic of the day was his people's civil war, and the fact that Dr. Heimgut tried to make it more complicated and nuance than it actually was.

"Sir, we have the casualty report from Uaban" reported the sergeant. Of the four people in the tent, he was the bearded one.

"What's the word?" Inquired the second, an older clean shaven man.

"Total destruction. No survivors, nor did we find any enemy bodies."

"Then they carried them away

"No, sir, they didn't. No drag marks only a single set of track going into and out of the camp. The same ones, very indistinctive. The tracks were followed further into our territory."

"Then they must have walked single file, there is no way that only man killed four thousand of my troops and there is no way that they turned on each other. "

"General, I may know the cause of this..." Piqued up the third person in the person in the tent. The Queen had been silent this entire but she could no longer hold her tongue.

"General, I believe that Ujae was there. Looking for his dagger."

"My Queen, that is superstitious non-sense. We can not afford the time to deal with such fairy tales."

"Did my ears deceive me? Did I just hear you insult my mother, general?" piqued the last person in the tent, a young boy of ten who sat on his mother's lap.

"No my liege, it is just that without those four thousand men, we no longer have the luxury of engaging the enemy when he is strong to thoroughly crush him. We must strike now, while your Uncle's forces are weak, before-"

"General, we have just received a missive from Elaren; the false queen is camped outside of it's walls." Said a man poking his head into the tent.

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AnonymousAnonymousover 6 years ago
Disjointed

Too hard to follow as it jumps around, presumably between then and now.

You were never a " good writer once" , at least not in English, which clearly is not your native language. The story needs editing as there are just too many inconsistencies and grammar errors. e.g. this sentence makes no sense - "Standing at least leg taller than everyone"

Even your opening sentence "Long story short, [use] to be a pretty good writer" is incorrect.

The use of "piqued" is incorrect both times. It is a verb describing a feeling or arousing interest, it has nothing to do with speaking. Perhaps you meant to use "piped" which would be appropriate for the 10 year old but not the Queen, who because she is the Queen, would have "interrupted".

It is unclear at the beginning, if the person of interest is "Ujae" or "Lo-aur".

Aside from all that, I think you have some good story ideas so it will be interesting to see how it goes forward.

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