Diary of a Pain Slut Week 02

She looked down at the tabletop and said softly, "You are what I am." She sighed again and said, "I am what you are."

She then looked over at the wall and we sat there in silence for several minutes. After a while, she turned back to me and said, "I can keep the beast caged up." She laughed. "... most of the time." She laughed again. "Age allows you to do that. But you are young and the beast roars much more strongly within you."

I started to speak, but she again held up her hand to silence me. "You have two paths from which to choose. You can do as I did and firmly cage the beast and try to live as though it is not within you. Or you can search for some way... or some place, where your beast can be allowed to safely run free. Those are your only choices. Trust me on this. I have lived long enough to see it and know what is happening. Any other path will lead to your destruction."

She patted my hand with hers. "Think about it. I'll support you whatever you decide."

I guess that there was nothing else to say so I remained silent. After a few moments, Mom got up and kissed me on the forehead and then headed down the hallway toward her bedroom. "I would appreciate it if the account you gave me to your website remained open, but only put enough in the account so that I can watch the sessions. The beast got away from me last night. I don't want to risk that happening again. The temptation is too great."

"I love you, Mom." I answered. Then I called down the hallway after her, "I'll have Harold set it up so you have open access to the sessions but can't join the player cue lists."

"Thank you, honey," she replied. "I knew you would understand."

Nothing much else really happened the rest of the day. Both Mom and I spent most of the day in bed. We were both exhausted.

End of entry for Day Six

Maddi's Diary, Day Seven, Thursday

Mom went back to work today, so I had the house to myself. Dad won't be home until Saturday night because he left late and is running behind. Mom doesn't have to go do any training sessions until next week so she was home around six. We didn't really see each other, though, because I had to go back to work at the restaurant and my shift began at four.

Yes, I did go back and watch the video from Tuesday night. What Mom did to me took 22 minutes, so there were 8 minutes of session left after my mind exploded. In the video it looks like I am screaming and writhing in extreme pain as the other players used up their points shocking my arms and legs and tits and ass, but the reality is that it was one, long, tear your mind and body apart orgasm.

Mom was right. The beast was roaring in both of us last night. She was also right when she said that the temptation was too great. She knew that if she had the ability to do so, she would repeat what she did or worse. And I knew that if I let the beast roar like that within me constantly, I would probably be willing to let anyone do anything to me to get back to where I was Tuesday night.

End of entry for Day Seven

Maddi's Diary, Day Eight, Friday

I worked a modified mid-day shift at the restaurant today so Mom and I had a chance to talk tonight. She asked me a very interesting question. She wanted to know why, if I could make so much money on the website and so forth, did I work as a waitress to make money for college.

I had to think about it for a while, but then I told her that anything I make on the website goes into a special account that Harold set up for me. Everything I draw out, I put back into my toys. I never sign on to check the balance, but Harold says I could draw out a lot more. If I did that, however, and used it for college, how would I be different from a common whore?

People pay money to hurt me and watch me in pain, but that is different. I don't do it for the money. I do it because I want to do it. It is actually a safe way for me to experience the pain I need. Making money from it is just a side benefit. But if I start spending the money on "real" things, like college, then I've become a pain-whore rather than a pain-slut.

Somehow I think that is going to come up in group, or at least with Dr. B.

End of entry for Day Eight

Maddi's Diary, Day Nine, Saturday

Today was morning shift, so I got off work around two. Shirley and Vicki called this afternoon and asked if I wanted to go out tonight. I told them I had to check my schedule and would call them right back. I actually wanted to check with Mom first. She suggested that I not be too late and that I be the designated driver for the evening. In other words, no booze and be home by ten.

I called Vicki back and said that I would go out with them, but I couldn't drink and I had to be back really early. "Party pooper," she replied. Then she cried out in realization, "Oh! You're in trouble, aren't you? It must be pretty serious if you can't drink and have to be home early. Why don't you meet Shirl and me down at Juan Carlos around 8:00 and we can get eat and talk. Then you can head back home in time for curfew and us two will head out to do the wild things that you can't do."

That's what I did. Juan Carlos' Pub is a relatively nice little bar that serves good food. We sat in a booth in the back. As soon as we sat down, Shirley said loud enough to be heard in the whole restaurant, "Girl, what did you do?!"

Both she and Vicki laughed as I turned red and glanced around to see if everyone was looking at me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell them anything at that point, but Vicki quietly said, "We're your friends. We'll understand. What happened and what kind of trouble are you in?"

"Thirty-day out-patient psychiatric evaluation," I said as softly as I could.

Both of them looked at me very wide eyed. "What DID you do?" Shirley asked again, but this time in a very quiet and concerned tone of voice.

I looked at them debating whether to tell them the truth or a lie or come up with some combination thereof when suddenly I blurted out, "I got caught doing naked self-bondage on the ledge at the Miller Road underpass."

Vicki was taking a sip of her beer and snorted it out through her nose. Shirley dissolved in laughter. "It's always the quiet ones who surprise you," she said.

I waited for their laughter to stop and then added, "I was rigged up to a computer controlled TENS unit with electrodes in my cunt and ass and all over my body." Their eyes were wide once again. I shrugged and said, "The cops who found me think I'm nuts. I have thirty days to show them that I'm not."

"Are you?" asked Vicki.

"Am I what?"

"Are you nuts?" clarified Vicki.

"No," I answered, "I'm not nuts. I'm just kinky."

"We all are, girl," replied Shirley. "You should meet some of my father's friends." She took a big sip of her beer and shrugged her shoulders, "Or for that matter," she added,"you should meet my mother in private around the house."

Vicki looked over at Shirley with confusion apparent on her face. "Let's just say we all have secrets," Shirley continued. "This won't change anything between us. We will still be your friends."

Vicki chuckled and said, "Well, it will change one thing."

"What's that?" I asked.

"We can't take you bar hopping or dive slumming for the next thirty days." she answered.

"Actually," I replied, "I only have twenty-one days left. Besides, Dr. B isn't judgmental. As long as I write up everything in my diary, I can pretty much do anything that I want."

"Wow," said Vicki, "this is almost like being on a reality show. Are you going to write up our meeting tonight? Do you have to take videos and everything?"

I laughed and answered, "Not for this, but someday I will show you some videos that will blow your mind."

"You're kidding, aren't you?" asked Shirley.

I sipped my coke and smiled at both of them. "Maybe," I said. "Maybe."

We all laughed. Just then the waiter showed up with our meals, so we ate and talked regular stuff until about 9:30. After that I headed back home and they headed out to the relatively less nice bars further down the strip.

I got home around ten. Dad's truck was pulled up alongside the shed where he normally parked it. He was sitting in his chair in the living room when I walked into the house. He looked up at me as I came into the room and I said, "I'm home; I'm early; and I'm sober."

"I didn't say anything," he replied. "But you left off the one that is really important."

I looked at him in confusion.

"You're safe," he said. "That is the important one for me."

Neither of us had much to say after that. We sat and watched TV for a while and then I went to bed.

End of entry for Day Nine

Maddi's Diary, Day Ten, Sunday.

Sunday was a totally uneventful day. Dad spent most of the morning doing maintenance on his truck. I helped Mom clean the house. Dad suggested that we go down to the lake for the afternoon. There is a nice beach there and it was a warm day, so I agreed.

I think Dad was just trying to do something "normal," but we had a good time. Mom and I went into the water and raced out to the dive platform. She beat me by at least a body length. Later, a couple of boys I had never met before tried to pick me up. They suggested that we leave together and go get some beer and find someplace to party.

I said, "If it's OK with my Dad," and pointed to Dad who was standing right beside me at the time.

Both boys had disappeared down the beach before the laughter bubbled up out of me and Dad and Mom. It was a good afternoon.

End of entry for Day Ten

End of entry for Week Two

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