Diary of a Submissive Ch. 04

My Dear Diary, the one I can disclose all my feelings to, the one place I can pour my heart out without fear of judgment. I must confess something to you. I am at a loss of how to comfort my subbie-sister. I know if I have ever experienced what she is going through, I would be inconsolable.

Tiffany and her Master have always said they want children. When He announced her pregnancy last September, everyone was so happy for them. Then, three days later, I got a phone call that she had lost the pregnancy. Allen took her Master out for a drink, to give Him an opportunity to vent His feelings out about the loss. Leaving Tiffany and myself alone to discuss how she was feeling about it. Over a glass of wine, ok, a bottle of wine, she told me how devastating this was to them both. How her Master had cried sat her bedside in the emergency room, and how she was not sure how to comfort Him.

A few months later, they got the news that they were expecting again. This time, as she progressed further into her pregnancy, everything was fine. She confided in me that this child was conceived in bondage. Her Master had her cuffed to the web, backside up, and was tugging on her clamped nipples when He lost control and filled her. He had been planning to cover her ass with His cum. But, like most men, no matter how skilled, when she orgasmed around Him, He lost control. And the child they were now expecting was conceived that night.

They only told a few close friends from the club that they were expecting again. She felt that she could not handle it again if they told everyone and then had to tell them that something happened. Her Master agreed, for her sanity and mental well being, He sacrificed His position as a trusted member of the club for her by keeping this secret. As time went on, some people asked where they were. It was a full year since the last time they were seen at any social outing. We subbies missed our friend and our Paddle Master at the club, and the other Dom/mes noticed His absence as well.

Lisa and I were designing the cake for Tiffany's baby shower, which was when she had decided to tell everyone of the pregnancy. Then, the phone rang. When I answered it, Allen was on the line. I knew from His voice something was wrong. I sat on the stool by the phone while I waited for Him to give me whatever news it was. Lisa, seeing my face and how quickly I sat, came over and got on her knees in front of me with her head on my lap. I absently began to stroke her hair as I waited for Allen to begin speaking again.

"Hun, can Lisa watch everything there? I need you to come to the hospital, it's Tiffany. Matt isn't doing too well, so I am going to take him to get something to eat, but he does not want her left here without someone with her. Please, Babe?"

His call was from a husband to His wife, His best friend, His lover, and I knew something was wrong. I knew He was on His cell in the car, alone, yet He did not call Tiffany's Master Sir Matt, just Matt. He was using first names, and asking. I could hear not only worry and fear in His voice, but relief that I was there and a love only a brother can feel for His ailing sister, as that is what Tiffany is to Him, His sister, the only remaining family for either of them. "Yes, Allen, of course, Lisa and I will close up here and both of us will be there in twenty minutes?"

"I am on my way to pick both of you up, then. I can help get everything cleaned up and closed. Three people can do it faster then two. Christine.... I love you."

"I love You, too. I will see You in a few minutes then."

When I hung up the phone, I looked down at Lisa, head still in my lap. She had no idea what the conversation had been about. All she knew was it was something big since we were closing early. I told her that Allen had not informed me exactly what was going on, but that He sounded very worried about both Tiffany and Sir Matt. We started to clean up and were ready to go by the time Allen arrived. Lisa locked up while I walked to the car. When I got there, Allen looked me in the eyes and after a brief moment of contact, mine dropped to His shoes. He whispered in my ear, "I will forgive that transgression for now because of your concern for My sister." I nodded. Lisa joined us and we all got into the car. The next few hours and days went by in a blur. Tiffany had gone to an appointment to be sure the baby was ok and there was no heart beat. She had immediate surgery that night to deliver the baby. Allen's niece was born, but she was born still. Tiffany blamed herself; Sir Matt tried to tell Himself that it was because He had left her alone so often during the pregnancy. No one knows what happened.

That night, Allen and I discussed our own future and wants for a family. And, sitting on the back porch of our home, over chilled glasses of Merlot, for the first time in a long time, He cried to me. He told me how unfair it was that His sister and her Husband, who want children and deserve them and would love and cherish them, have been visited by misfortune, much as we had, and that there were so many people out there who do not deserve the children they have, and they are out there, starving, freezing, and addicted to drugs, yet two couples who want children more then anything, who would love and cherish more children, have been exposed to so much heart ache and tragedy. I knew this experience with Tiffany would bring back the memories of our own children we have lost, of His little girls. I was prepared to go through the grief with him again. I was not ready for the questions and the guilt He was feeling, and I felt that as His wife, I should have known how He was feeling.

"Chris, do you think we are being punished? Do you think that we have all been subjected to all of this because of something we have done? Do you think that, if we were a vanilla couple, and did not do things the way we do, we would not have gone through what we have? I guess what I am asking, Christine, is, do you want to give up the life and become a vanilla couple? If you feel that we are being exposed to this pain because someone up there thinks we live a life that puts our selves and any children at risk, I will give it all up. If you want to live a normal life, all you have to do is say so and we will walk away from it all, hand in hand."

I got on my knees in front of Him and took His hands into mine. After kissing one then the other, I looked at Him, with tears in my eyes, and told Him how much I love Him. Then, after a moment of silence, "Allen, why would You think that? I know what it seems like right now, but this has nothing to do with our lifestyle. You and I love each other, respect each other. We honor one another's limits, and each one knows what the other likes. How does that differ from any vanilla couple? The fact that we both tend to hide the relationship has been bothering me for some time. We are not being punished because of our private life. We are two consenting, healthy, professional adults. I love You and would not ever trade my life with You. I know You would walk away without looking back at the life if I asked and felt it was needed, but I never asked because I didn't feel that way."

"I am glad you know that if you asked, I would walk away. But, would you be comfortable if we were to not hide the relationship anymore? Not necessarily make it a public announcement, but not hide it when we are around our vanilla friends?"

I bow my head and snap back into the dutiful submissive role that I have filled for Allen for all these years. It comes naturally to me and it felt like He had stabbed me in the heart when He asked if I wanted to give it up. I do not feel I would ever be able to completely give it up, even if we mutually decided to walk away from the life and the club. "Yes, Sir, I would be comfortable. I would be overjoyed and proud to appear before Your friends as I truly am and truly feel I belong, as Your equal, but an equal who trusts You enough to know that You will always have my best interests in your heart and mind. Whatever You feel comfortable with revealing to Your friends and partners at work, I will trust You to decide. I do not, however, think it would be wise right now to reveal Lisa and her involvement in our home, Sir."

"I agree with you in that regard, Bright Eyes. I do apologize for the hurt I saw in your eyes when I suggested giving it all up. I have a gift for you, Young One. Close your eyes and turn your face to the sky." As I did as He asked, He took a thin silver and gold band from behind Him and slipped it around my neck. With a *click* it closed and locked. Allen then got off his chair and on his knees in front of me. He kissed me and motioned for me to stand, in a symbolic reversal of roles for the promise He was about to make to me. "This is small enough that those who do not know our life, will think nothing of it, but those we trust will know what it means. I love you, Bright Eyes, and always will. I hope I can live up to the standards set for Me and be deserving of your love and submission. You have given Me more joy, love, respect, pride, and honor then I could have ever asked for. From the first day we met in the club and you were confused and lonely, I knew I had found the woman for Me. I love you more then you will ever know, and I will always be there for you, no matter what."

When he made the move to stand, I reached for His hand to assist Him. When He stood up, I again kissed each of His hands, got on my knees in front of Him, and kissed each foot, then stood again and, while looking anywhere but His face, I said, "Thank you, Master."

"Now, go in and prepare something. We will be having some guests tomorrow, two of the other partners and their spouses will be here." And with that, He began making phone calls to be sure His sister and Sir Matt were both alright as well as to tell Sir Matt the outcome of tonight's conversation. From what I could hear through the open kitchen window, Master had planned this evening from the beginning, even though I threw in a curve ball to Him in requesting we do not hide it anymore. As I began a cake baking, I took several thick steaks out of the freezer to defrost and set in a marinade for the night so Master could grill them for dinner the next day.

© 2007 MidnightSun