Dilemma Continued Ch. 02

They show it every year at the Paramount, a restored jewel of a theater in Austin. Our relationship was like the scene where you see a destroyed Twelve Oaks after the war. It had been so beautiful and it could never be rebuilt like it was. Just the memory of it... well I'd take to my bed every time I thought about it, so I didn't.

I was shocked when you asked to meet me on that visit. I have to tell you, I was a bit schizophrenic. To my credit, I truly wanted Chris to be happy. I wanted him to find a good woman, marry and have as normal a life as he could. However, I couldn't help hating the woman who would take my place... until I met you. No one could hate you. When we met at the Southwestern campus chapel it was such a beautiful, peaceful place. you were there to see the chapel and that's were we talked.

I'm not sure why I agreed to meet . Okay, I was curious and I still felt protective of Chris. I walked in determined to be polite to you, but I also think that I'd decided that if you weren't good enough for him, I'd find some way to send you home like

I don't remember exactly what you said, but you totally disarmed me with a smile that melted my heart and suddenly I was pouring out my whole life story. When I was finished, you said, "Your revenge won't make you whole you know. You and Chris are brother and sister and neither of you will be whole until you're able to mend that portion of your lives"..

When Momma told me that Sandy had agreed to carry your babies, I had another one of those split personality moments. I yearned to carry Chris' babies and was jealous, not of you but of Sandy. Still, I was too caught up with my plans for revenge and even if I'd wanted to, I just didn't have the time.

You were different, you didn't just talk religion, you lived it. I was secure in the knowledge that whatever I said to you would not be told to Chris unless I said you could. I didn't want him to know that we were talking just then. Not until you helped me work through the remnants of what I had done.

Your difference was that you never tried to minimize what I had done. We dealt with it fairly and squarely. Those phone conversations that we had were a lifeline for me. You made me realize that peace of mind would only come when Chris and I came to terms with each other and you wanted to work with both of us so that if we couldn't be a couple at least we could be friends. As you said, a lot of water had passed under the bridges of our young lives, that we could never forget even though we tried.

You even encouraged me to start dating again, I tried, it just wasn't your fault that the dates I had just didn't measure up to what I had with Chris. They got to the kissing stage, but the spark just wasn't there and I wasn't about to make do with a second class relationship, just for the sake of having one. Some day that special person will come along again, but until then, that still doesn't mean that I am not envious of your relationship with Chris.

I don't mean that I was against your marriage, but I never forgot that I was a cheater, an adulteress, and a slut. I hadn't been with another man since King. You encouraged me to think about dating and made me understand that while I couldn't change what had been, I could decide what I wanted to be. You gave me hope for a normal future. I tried dating but I could never meet that special person who gave me what Chris did. And trying to lower to lower my standards was not very successful

When I learned from Momma that you were going to start to look for someone to carry your second babies, I thought about it, I prayed about it, and I decided that I wanted to carry them. When we began to talk in earnest about it, you wouldn't agree without Chris's full support as you thought by doing so, I would become part of your family. I know that Chris will take some preparation to come to grips with the idea but I still want to be your surrogate Mom it would be an honor to help you both.

Lorelei

I put down the letter, and walked over to the mirror on the wall. I looked at my reflection there and thought to myself, "You Total Jerk" I had loved Lorelei, but not enough to be there for her when she needed me most. All that I had thought about was what she had done to me. I didn't think for one minute of what King had done to her. "Lorelei, what did I do to you? how could I have been so stupid as to leave you to cope with this all by yourself. I should have been there beside you dealing with it."

Well I had finally found the truth, and I wasn't impressed, certainly not with the part I played. I ran away like a little boy who had a favorite toy taken away from him and had kept up a fantasy that had no basis in fact. I asked myself, in view of the way I had behaved why would Lorelei want to carry the babies?.

I read through the other material that Lorelei had sent, The one instance that was under threats, I found was very similar to that by Lorelei, similar enough that it really got my attention. The man she was engaged to and was supposed to be meeting had been delayed by having to take an extra class, and had arrived just in time to find his fiancé in a very distressed condition after having just left Dr King's office. She couldn't tell him what happened for several days and by that time all the evidence other than her word was gone. Talk about déjà vu.

I went back through to Sandy and said, "Sandy, you are absolutely right. To read that letter and do nothing I would be that self indulgent stupid young man all over again. Well I'm not going to be., I'm going to write to Lorelei apologizing to her and asking for her forgiveness for what I did, and telling her that I would be honoured if she would be the surrogate mother for Cindy and my children. Also I am going to ask if she would allow me to have a more thorough investigation of Dr King's actions as I had picked up on something in what she had sent". Sandy smiled and said "I knew you would come through" as she handed me the pen, writing paper and envelope she had prepared.

End Chapter 4 to be continued