Dillinger & Holmes

Dickie couldn’t afford to hire a lawyer (and since no lawyer was going to work pro bono for someone who made telephone calls in the middle of the night to strangers he didn’t know for the purpose of convincing them to find a missing dick) so Little Dickie was forced to defend himself. Dickie had always prided himself on being smarter than the average third grader so he figured he had at least a fighting chance of winning. He’d watched enough Perry Mason re-runs to know that if he said ‘I object” and “That’s hearsay” and “Thank you, your honor,” enough times he had got a pretty good chance that someone in the audience will eventually jump out of their seat and confess to having committed the crime themselves.

The trial was held in Wiggleworm, a small village that existed for the sole purpose of raising and selling wiggle worms that they sold as bait for fishermen. It was seventy five miles from Knucklenutt on the banks of Wachimatcheewillamuckmuck River. The fifteen residents who resided there were sufficiently uninformed to guarantee a fair trial. Since the jury was to be made up of only twelve people and all fifteen wanted to be on the jury the first few days were hectic. In the end a compromise was made and the jury was made up of twelve regular jurors, one Jury Foreman, and two substitutes.

This letter is getting way too long so I’ll skip most of the trial, if you could really call it a trial. The only witnesses that showed up were Marian, the Librarian and the twenty operators from the phone company, their supervisor and the head of their Department. No one from San Francisco bothered to show up since there was no financial benefit to be gained and the prosecution didn’t have the money to pay their expenses. In the end Little Dickie was found NOT guilty on all charges. The rationale that the Wigglewormer’s used in reaching this decision was that there was no way he could very well search for a missing dick without

telling them it was a missing dick he was searching for, could he? Once they decided that he innocent of that charge then everything else fell in place. There was no law that said one couldn’t search for stolen property, and the fact that it was a missing ‘dick’ instead of an automobile or a diamond ring or cash or anything else had no bearing on the case what so ever.

Three weeks later Little Dickie went to trial in Stinkwater on the charge of stealing the phone book. Alas, poor Dickie was convicted of that charge.

Thanks for being patient with what I know was a long letter. If you have any MORE questions, I promise a much shorter response.

Sincerely,

Lulu Loveless

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Text of Angel’s letter of 9/1/93

Hi Lulu.

It’s me again. Thank you for that extremely long letter. After reading it, however, I find there are still questions that I would like answered.

Did Little Dickie ever find Big Dick?

Is Dillinger’s still in the Smithsonian?

Did Little Dickie ever get the chance to poke Marian, the Librarian?

If the citizens of Turtleturd call themselves Turdturtles, what do the citizens of Stinkwater call themselves?

What penalty did Little Dickie have to pay for stealing the phone book?

Sincerely,

Angel

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Text of Lucy Loveless letter of 12/21/93

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years.

1) Big Dick is still missing

2) Dillinger’s dick is still in the Smithsonian somewhere, but no one knows exactly where.

3) Neither Little Dickie nor Marian Dillinger (nee the librarian) are the kind that kiss and tell, but I’m assuming they did since they are now married.

4) I have no f*****g idea. Call the Stinkwater Chamber of Commerce

5) The jury through the book at him.

If you have any FURTHER questions please call me instead of writing. I have MOVED since your last letter. Please call me COLLECT so I will be sure to know that it is YOU when you call.

Sincerely,

Lucy Loveless,