Dinner

I looked at them both, "No, it's all changed, it isn't like I thought it would be," I was invited to the kitchen table and three glasses of Jack were poured. "I was on my way out." I took a sip and began the story.

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I called at 45 minutes and told them it would be at least another hour and would call. They should eat without me. I kept talking, I kept answering questions, I keep balancing who I am with my anger and my soul. How small was I, how big could I be? So many questions, so great friends that let me know what they thought. No one told me what to do, but they listened and help me see the entire picture. The internal one in me, the external one of my family and marriage. At the end of 2 hours I made my decision. That's when I called home and told them I'd be back there in 10 minutes.

Walking in, I realized that the four of them had been talking, and crying too. They were all tense, Cathy mostly. My suitcases were still by the door. Cathy was the first to speak to me. Quietly she asked "Dan, have you had anything to eat? I can get you a plate if you haven't eaten." This was the nicest she's been to me in months. I don't know how to answer. It's so unusual, so out of character that I'm shocked. Live your life with defenses and see how it warps you.

The best I can do now is to mumble something about a sandwich. Sitting at the dining room table, I wolfed it down. With the tension as thick as anything, I said "Everybody please come to the dining room table."

When we were all seated, I looked at Cathy. "First off, I'm moving to the back bedroom. I'll stay there until I decide to leave the house," Cathy gasped, "or we repair our marriage enough to return to our bedroom." The look of fear left her face and a mixed look of concern and possible hope replaced it.

"Second, you will start seeing a therapist and if they suggest it, group therapy sessions. You stop, I leave. Clear?" Cathy nodded yes. "When they suggest couples counseling, then we will go together. Agreed?" Cathy nodded yes. If at any time you stop trying, I leave. I don't expect things to turn around immediately, but I expect consistent honest trying." She nodded yes again.

At this point I looked at our three children. "When the suggestion comes for family sessions. All of you will be there too, depending on your school schedules. School comes first. Agreed?" I saw three more nods.

Looking back at Cathy, "Third, we both will be going together to all your medical appointments. And this will include the actual examinations. No longer will you even think that I am not part of what you are fighting."

I paused, then continued. "WE POSSIBLY HAVE CANCER. It's just not you." Cathy started to mouth a protest when I continued "If the doctor doesn't like it, we'll find a new doctor." There was a look of wonderment on her face. I guess after putting up a front, making yourself hard and being independent, she never expected this. Good.

"Fourth, you are not in charge anymore. We both make choices together or at least consult with one another. No fiats, no commands, no orders. You have to get my buy-in, I have to get yours too. This is going to be the hardest thing for you to change. Just about every god damn decision needs input from both of us. EVERY SINGLE STINKING DECISION." Cathy broke in, "I'm going to fail, I know that I'm going to fail."

"I know." Then I looked at our children, "We all know that you are going to fail. And you will be failing time and time again. Work it out with your therapist on things that you can do, things and techniques that will help." I paused. "This is about the long haul."

At this point, I had a very long exhale. I exhaled a ton of frustration, frustration now and frustration for the future. "And I will also work on ways to deal with it. I'll continue seeing my own counselor too. This will be more than anyone alone can handle. We have years to undo."

After a bit of silence, they all stood up, but they didn't know what to do. I did.

"Let's talk about where we are going for dinner later tonight. Then I think that a little quiet time will help us all. After that, we can start on the other things this family needs to address." We all sat down, sat down as a family in crisis, a family starting down the road to pull together.

It was going to be Italian, a Southern Italian restaurant, and Southern Italian in many different ways.