Dirty Bitch: A Novel

1

'Do you Darren Speck take this beautiful fuckin' fine-ass piece of cherrypie to be your beautiful fuckin' lawful wedded wife, booooooy,' said the geezer of a priest, doing some hip thing with his fingers at the end. 'Booooy!' he repeated; and straight after that he did a groovy little moonwalk across the stage, his gleaming black shoes gliding smoothly across the floor.

'Yes I mother fuckin' do,' I said. Man, I was fuckin' out of it by then, pissed up to the bone on Blue Moon Ale. And on my wedding day as well. Fucking shameful lol!

'And do you, Victoria Traseuh, take this fresh mother fucker Darren Speck – former lone wolf of Norwich city – to be your lawful wedded husband? Well do ya girl??'

Looking at me soon-to-be-missus next to me, some drool came rolling down his chin in barrels, a look that conveyed: 'Man, I wanna fuck that bitch in the back!'

'I do,' said Victoria, all dreamily and shit, like she thought she was in some Hollywood romance movie. Haha, sheaht!

'Well then, put a ring on it ay Darren. But use a condom!' Then the priest began laughing hysterically like some fat fuck after a couple of tokes of fine-ass Jamaican herb. 'Haha, no seriously Darren mate. Put a fuckin' ring on the doll's face, ay, before I decide I have to pound her one.'

I was so fucking out of it that I almost couldn't put the gold ring that was in my hand on Victoria's finger, and I felt the tips of them tremble and twitch as I proceeded to hand out the ring. But I successful did it, and instantly felt hard at the sight of Victoria's white, even-toothed smile. Boy, them teeth.

'Now you can kiss and then fuck each other's brains out later. Man I'm getting hard just thinking about that.' The priest fiddled about with the outline of his stiff cock in in his trousers with his fingers and appeared to day-dream at the lecherous fantasies that were patently boiling up in his head.

At those words, both me and Victoria shared a great smooch of a French kiss, I mean a real tongue twister of a one, and I felt that rush of lust expand my cock in my boozed up body, like the priest's but only less dam noticeable.

'Oh get a fucking room will you two!!' yelled my mother from the seats.

I withdrew my mouth from Victoria's and after licking my lips looked over at my charming mother. Along with my best-man Jamie, who was passed out drunk on the floor a couple of feet from me after taking a shit-load of vodka before he arrived, my mother was one of the two guests there, and it made the little event seem more intimate for me and my bird, whose own parents were somewhere in Russia I believe (not that I'd ever fucking met the cunts).

Very shortly later, my mother got up off her seat and approached me and Victoria on the stage, where flinging her arm around me she gave me a congratulatory pat on the back and nodded. 'Well done son, married. You fucking twat. But anyway, I wish you and the Russian doll the best of luck. And enjoy the £25,000 you've got from the sale of my house. Man, if I'd known it was going to take 25 grand to get you little shit out of my life, I would have sold the place a long, long time ago. Either that or drowned you at birth.'

I smiled and gave my mother a warm look. 'Thanks mum, me and Victoria will be very happy.'

'Ha, course you will in that fucking bedsit of yours.' But then the croon smiled and turned her attention to Victoria.

'Good luck ay, you two deserve each other.'

I knew very well the mean-spirited semantics of my mother's comment, but Victoria naively saw a good hearted meaning and instead smiled affably.

'Oh thanks Mary, sweet of you to say.'

My mother smiled, as if she thought Victoria was a right dozy bint, and then, nodding, turned around to walk away.

'And now to suck off my own piece of eye-candy.'

And that was the last I saw of my mother. She fucked off out of the reception; and I haven't seen her since.

Victoria gazed adoringly into my eyes and proceeded to give me another sloppy, tongue-twisting smooch, while the priest, some white ear-phones now plugged into his ears, began doing some crazy-ass dance in the background, his feet strutting upon the stage like it was a 70's dancefloor.

Meanwhile Jamie, the fucking idiot, was practically unconscious on the floor. But then I heard him groan a little, and he began to wake up from his evident comatose.

'You still with us then,' I said, looking shamefully down at my intoxicated 'best-man'.

'Darren,' came the dick's reply, steadily standing himself up, his hands at his sides to balance himself. 'Must have passed out for a sec. Did I miss anything?'

I just shook my head in more prevailing shame. 'You fuckin' idiot, course you missed something. Me and Victoria have just been married, you twat.'

'Oh, that's awesome,' said Jamie. And he then drunkenly flung his arms around both me and Victoria and rattled us both in his way of showing his congratulations. 'Man and wife ay! Congratulations!!' His yelled the last word right in my ear, with an immediate bout of tinnitus shaking up in my eardrum.

I shook my head and got back to gazing lovingly into my bride's eyes.

'I love you my beautiful piece of Russian cheesecake.'

'Me too,' said Victoria.

'Now come on, let's go on our honeymoon and fuck our brains out like rabbits.'

Victoria smiled cheekily, and I saw that glossy tongue of hers hover past her upper lip.

'Oh, can I come too?' said Jamie, all excited like.

'No you cannot,' I said.

'Please.'

'No, she's my bird Jamie, get your own.'

'Oh come on, I'll just sit in the corner and watch you two fuck.'

'No,' I said, nodding firmly once.

'Oh very well.'

Then, breathing out, Jamie looked about the place rather gormlessly. 'Man, where's the John Smith around here ay, I'm firsty.'

I got back to gazing into Victoria's eyes, and right then and there we shared our sweetest sourire yet.

'My beautiful angel.'

2

Victoria's lipstick left a faint mark on the rim of the glass, and as I stood there staring at the pale red, a colour which shone neon in my eyes, I thought nothing other than the feel of her lips on my throbbing cock. I could still feel the pleasure linger from when she'd sucked it 10 minutes earlier in the hotel restaurant's toilets. There had been a couple of older women powdering their noses or something at the sink while Victoria had been kneeling down in the cubicle, devouring my gaping cock and balls like a fuckin' champess. And it was as I came in thick, laver-like spurts that I thought rather inappropriately, albeit humorously, about a segment in the UK television sitcom Men Behaving Badly, a part where Tony yelled out, 'BANANARAMA!' during a thunderous orgasm, and as I climaxed in Victoria's angelic mouth that clip came to me, and I mentally shouted the word out.

'BANANARAMA!' I yelled, my eyes closed and my head tilted up as I felt the thrill of the violent cumming, an orgasm of pure delight, with Victoria sucking all of the white jelly-like cum out of my stiff old todger. I almost wanted to laugh at the sounds of the older women outside chatting about antiques, a cheeky smile forming out of my lips as I opened my eyes.

After Victoria had swallowed and released her head from my crotch region, I shared a devilish smile with her, our eyes both meeting, and really felt fucking turned on at the thought of those two old hags outside who were totally oblivious to the sloppy blow-job I'd just cheekily received. 'Haha, cheeky,' I thought, a Homer-Simpson-like voice in my head.

'Victoria, what a blow that was,' I said, crudely.

My beautiful missus allowed herself to smile, rather devilishly, and then, with her fingers sleekly rearranging her fine dark hair, got up off her knees and moved over to the cubicle door. 'Come on,' she said, flipping the lock open and swiftly descending out into the room. 'Let's have some wine in the restaurant.'

'Yes, more wine is needed,' I said, following her, and staring amorously at her perfectly pert posterior, such a pleasant sight that I almost didn't see the two old bints by the sink giving me a hostile look. One of them had her hands on her hips and was blowing more air out of her nostrils than she probably normally would.

'Excuse me,' the lady then said, proper middle-class-wanker style.

I registered the old bat's words and glanced her way.

I have to admit I was actually surprised with her appearance, caus she was quite a dam sexy woman: a purple glittery dress for main clothing; a nice heart-shaped arse, kind of like a pair; and a pair of voluptuous tits that were pushed up in her dress to make them look even more massive. Man, I could have had some fun with those pillows.

But, despite her mild sexiness, I think the wrath of menopause was taking its toll on her because she frowned at me and said, 'You really shouldn't be in here, should you?'

'Now come on,' I said, Victoria busy pushing the room's door open, 't'was just a blow-job, t'was all. Nothing like a cheeky blow in the toilets, haha.'

The women both shook their heads, and as they turned back towards the sink mirrors, pissed off in their bint-faced temperaments, I followed Victoria out into the hotel dining area.

So there I back was, staring at the rim of the glass that Victoria had left there when she'd had enough of the night and wanted to sleep. But although she may have decided she'd had enough of the night and the wine etc., I was still very much awake and feeling my rampant sexual desire return in a bubbly burst of the stuff.

'Fuckin' wine always does that to me,' I thought, gliding my hand against the shaft of my penis, not caring if any of the other guests or staff saw me. 'Wine makes me want to fuck all sorts of people: midgets, ladyboys, man, even public schoolboys if they look feminine enough.' I tell you, I would have fucked a dog with a strap-on if somebody had asked me to do so in a drunken dare. I really fuckin' would have I tell ya. I thought about all things taboo and exciting. 'Dogs, strap-ons,' I mumbled, inebriated to the absolute maximum and leaning back in my chair. 'Oh Victoria, how I'd like to dress you up like some ripe school girl and fuck you from behind while I spank you with a ruler you dirty fucking bitch.'

Yes, it seemed that the lust was definitely becoming too much for me, and after a short while I couldn't take it anymore, I absolutely couldn't; so I got up, and with nothing but the intention of semi waking Victoria up and shoving my cock into her sleepy, dry mouth on my mind, I fucked off down the room and in the direction of the stairs.

'My cock'll wetten that mouth of hers,' I thought, already picturing my balls gliding against Victoria's petal-like lips. Meanwhile, as I thought all this, I passed a couple of staff members, who both looked at me like I was the biggest cunt in the hotel; they had their arms folded and both had that beady little eye look to their faces, like little raisins lodged incongruously into a cake.

'You lot are right,' I said loudly, 'I am a cunt. I am a cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, cunt, that's what I am.'

If I could recall correctly in my far-from-sober and clear-headed state, the staff members, who all coincidentally happened to be male, had their mouths kept tactfully shut – hotel policy maybe? – and just casually looked about the place, one young sailor boy lookalike starting to whistle in that obvious discomfort.

'Well, I tell you all, now I am gonna shove my cock and balls into my girlfriend's mouth. She's Russian you know, a real good fuck.'

One of the chaps even displayed an obliging smile, his eyes narrowing like a panther's as he leaned forwards against the bar. He was the only one of those cunts who seemed in anyway relaxed. And I liked him for it, I really did.

So, I hastily got to mine and V's room and descended through into the lamp-lit chambre, a beautiful, mellow ambience defined by glowing auburn wood.

'Oh Victoria,' I whispered, like some caring but cheeky grandfather as I closed the door ever so gently shut. And it was amongst the light glow from the lamp in the room that I saw the Russian beauty sleeping nude with a blanket sheathed daintily over her back, her ample breast cleavage just discernible as she lay exactly how I envisioned her to be, supine on the bed in that sultry position that always made my cock feel like a North Korean rocket launcher ready for firing, with spurts of jizz for flame-heavy ammunition. 'Oh Victoria,' I whispered again.

Slowly I moved forwards, pulling off my black blazer in the process, and heard the girl make a slight sleepy groan with her voice brief, but resonating, gentle, but powerful.

'Don't worry Victoria, I'm not going to disturb you girl, I promise.'

I got up close to Victoria's face, gazing down at her sleepy, cherubic visage, and with gradual movements began unzipping my fly, the metal segments coming down with no force whatsoever. Then, with my cock relatively hard, I gripped my todger in the palm of my hand and started to position it in-between Victoria's sensual lips.

'Wow,' I muttered to myself, 'I love them lips. Them lips good lips girl.'

The gorgeous woman was certainly still asleep, but by that point I didn't give a fuck, I just wanted some major sexual stimulation, some harmless, brief SEXUAL GRATIFICATION; and nothing could stop the yen I had for her. So placing my hand around the back of her head, I started thrusting my cock through her lips like a thief's hand to a purse and after getting her mouth sufficiently open for penetration with my other hand I managed to get my cock in. And once it was a quarter of a way through, it felt fucking great I tell ya, like a shower of angel cunt juice splattering over my head like a squeezed sponge.

'Oh yea Victoria,' I said, closing my eyes and tilting my head up towards the ceiling like I'd done earlier in the cubicle; I almost wanted to deepthroat her but I didn't: obviously I couldn't go that far. 'Oh it feels so good Victoria, your lips are like Jane Mansfield's. No, more modern than that. Like Anna Nicole Smith's that's whose. Oh Anna Nicole Smith, you beaut of a woman.'

I thrust my cock rather gently back and forth into sleeping beauty's mouth and despite a frenzy of extreme mother fuckin' randiness, I still found myself feeling quite limp and lacking in virility. 'Oh well,' I thought, 'wine always does that to me. Not to worry though. I guess it's better this way. Yes, better.'

I nodded, not letting my rather pathetic semi get to me, and with my thighs and backside pulsating in drunken energy, I shook my todger about in her mouth like I was brushing her teeth with a cock-brand toothbrush, her gums feeling warm like melting jelly. 'I'm gonna fucking come,' I said, my eyes still closed and a swarm of perspiration turning my face florid and clammy. 'I'm gonna cum in your mouth girl. I'm gonna ... cum.'

You'd think that Victoria would have woken up by then, but oh no, she was still very much asleep and in touch with her dreams; in fact, I swear I could even hear her snoring (either that or I was somehow cutting off her air supply with my constant thrusting).

'Any such thing as sleep swallowing?' I muttered humorously, rubbing my fingers through her Barbie-like hair, imagining a time when I was a young boy and I did a similar thing with my sister's makeup doll-head. 'Well let's find out shall we?'

And then, with a violent groan involuntarily springing from my mouth, I let a load of sickly jizz seep like droplets of piss from an incontinent bladder into Victoria's mouth. 'You dirty bitch,' I said. Man I felt like Pierre Woodman in the conclusion of one of his classic, magnificently erotic casting sessions as I pushed my cock and balls right forwards with a gusto, my lower stomach pressing into her nose, her snoring intensifying with minor blockage.

'Wo yeaaa!,' I said, my orgasm reaching an abrupt end like it always did, and my eyes opening like the sped up footage of a blossoming flower. 'Like a ticket to Venice t'was that.'

I laughed a little and then, breathing out, looked down at Victoria, her angelic self still cast away in some unknown, foreign dream, before slowly removing my alcohol drenched slug of a cock from her mouth. After that I allowed my eyes to absorb the sight of a thick trail of cum that oozed from the corners of her lips like toothpaste, a pearly, glow-in-the-dark white.

'That was great Victoria, just great, you were superb.'

I took one more look at the seeping cum, now staining the pillow like grease, and headed off to the small bathroom compartment around the side of the room to get some tissues.

It was as I gently soaked up some of the cum from her mouth, gently dabbing the tissues on her lips, that sleeping beauty finally started to wake up.

'Dar ... Darren,' she said, her eyelids slowly lifting up and her voice groggy in a somnolent haze.

'Yes, my beautiful strawberry cheesecake,' I said, still dabbing at those cum-glossy lips. Mmm mm, them lips.

Victoria stared at me, confused. 'What ... what are you doing?'

'You're drooling a little sweetheart,' I said, dabbing and staring in a caring fashion at her, like a father to a sacred young daughter.

'Oh no, did I?' Victoria seemed slightly embarrassed, for she obviously thought it was such an unwomanly thing to do; unlike me who couldn't have given a tossing fuck even if she'd pissed herself.

'Yea, but don't worry darling. This stuff happens a lot. You've consumed a lot of wine as well.'

A small, but sweet, smile overpowered Victoria's face and as if calmed by my words she allowed herself to gently close her eyes again.

'That's right, you get back to sleep my little angel.'

'Darren? Why don't you come to bed as well.'

'I'll join you in a bit sweetheart,' I said, scrunching up the tissues and tossing them over into an obscure corner of the room for the staff to mop up later on. 'But right now I'm going to have some more wine before the catering closes.'

'Ok Darren, don't be too long though.'

'Don't worry baby, I won't. Anyway, sweet dreams.'

Victoria smiled once more and as she gently closed her eyes I sauntered off out of the room with intentions of consuming more wine and maybe fucking one of those older birds in the back: the very thought made me rub my hands together and grin devilishly. 'Dirty, dirty women,' I laughed.

3

If it hadn't been for the great, pleasure-heavy sex that I was having on a regular fucking basis with my beautiful Russian girlfriend Victoria, then the honeymoon we were on, in all frankness, would have been a complete waste of fucking time, a pointless fuckfest which just went to support my theory that the only thing a man really needs in life is to have a good supply of alcohol, a good woman to fuck, and some nice illicit drugs to get off ya' fuckin' rocks on. Yea man!

Victoria, however, disagreed with my theories and ideologies on hedonism, and in opposition liked all of the things that I didn't give a mother fuckin' Jimmy Saville about: sandy beaches with smooth turquoise seas; mainstream fucking pop-music by rich cunts whose throats I'd love to slash; materialism of the mulberry kind; all of the stuff that I wouldn't hesitate to release a load of bile-infested vomit onto. Well fuck that shit.

But anyway, what Victoria wanted, Victoria fucking got; and it was at the sandy Tenerife beach resort that Victoria and I had been having our honeymoon on that I found myself laying on my back on a beach towel, with Victoria, relaxed in a prostrated position in a purple bikini, by my side as she read from some shite of a woman's magazine (Cosmopolitan I think, or was it cunts galore I wonder?? Probs cunts galore). In the distance, a – what some would say – gorgeous, brisk sea could be seen with a couple of seagulls having there own little joyride on, but I wasn't interested in that pointless sight. Oh no, my eyes were fixed solely on Victoria's dam sexy body: that peachy fuckin' derriere; that lightly tanned back, still fortunately undamaged by the sun's fierce UV rays; and those fuckin' womanly legs of hers. Dam, I could have licked every inch of that sultry, nectarious skin; I could have eaten me dinner of her tush for fuck sake it was that mother fuckin' erotic.