Disappointment Doesn't have to Last

This story has sex and mystery as key ingredients. If you believe in ghosts, spirits, possibility, and or divine intervention you just might like this story. Like it or not I'd appreciate feedback about what you liked or didn't like about it.

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The letter came on Wednesday. The envelope was heavy, gray and the size of a business letter. The postmark was from the town where I live. Inside, a simple printed note. Unsigned.

Friday evening

Take the old forest road eight miles past the mill.

Turn right and go two miles. Bring firewood for the weekend. I'll bring the rest.

The letter came to my apartment. I read it three times and put it on the table. One question kept nagging at me.

Who?

I considered that it might be a sick sort of joke. But who? I had been living here for almost a year and keeping to myself. I didn't have any friends close enough to play a joke on me. Hell, I didn't have any friends at all. The ones I used to have were all back in the city I left a year ago. They didn't even know where I had gone.

This town was where I picked to start over. Maybe I picked this town to hide in. That was possible since I hadn't made any effort at starting over since I arrived. I found a job working the graveyard shift at the truck stop selling gas and diesel. I sat in a small glass booth and watched the computer monitor the fuel being pumped from any of the fourteen pumps. I ran the credit cards and collected the cash from the drivers and that was my life. There was bullet-proof glass between me and any customer. A good metaphor for my life.

I received about four letters a month. The notice that my rent was due. My gas and electric bills and one from my Mom. Mom always told me the news and what the people I used to know were doing. If I was feeling good I read her letters. If I was feeling lonely I didn't. It had been three months since I read a letter from Mom.

When I arrived at the truck stop I clocked in and headed for the cash shack. The evening shift guy was finishing up his tally. I counted my cash drawer, entered the pump totals on the clip board, and quietly waited for him to leave. At eight past the hour he left. There were three trucks and one pick-up fueling. The credit cards were on the rack. Out on the center island I could see the clock and the temp gauge. 10:09pm 39F.

At 10:27 the temp read 36F and I picked up the phone that connected me to the convenience store just inside the main building. Sharon answered.

"Must be about 36 degrees out there."

"Yes. Could I get a large coffee and a bear claw, please?"

"On the way."

The phone went dead. I watched the door and Sharon came out holding her coat tight around her body and carrying a bag and a large cup of coffee. When she arrived I opened the pass through and she gave me the coffee and bag. I was not allowed to let her in or to open the door. Someone had opened the door four years before and the truck stop had been robbed and the cashier killed.

I watched her go back inside where it was warm. I listened to the radio and watched the trucks and the weather. Once in a while I thought about being the weather guy on the radio. I was right about what was coming more often than he was. That night business was pretty good. Lots of trucks fueling up for the drive east. They wanted a head start on a storm headed our way.

At twenty minutes before seven I started tallying everything for the end of my shift. When I was done with the cash the phone rang. Sometimes the boss called to see what the totals were for the last twenty-four hours. I answered, thinking it was probably him. A soft female voice said, "Nick, please bring a few candles too."

Then the line went dead.

Like it would help, I looked around. I didn't see anyone. I did see three more trucks pull in and the drivers headed for my shack. At 7:02 the day shift arrived and I was gone. The armored car would be by at eight to get the money and credit card slips for the last twenty-four hours. By then I intended to be asleep.

I woke up as the sun was going down. I went out and checked the mail just as I have every day for the last year. Just like the day before there was a gray envelope.

Please don't disappoint me.

There is already too much

Disappointment

In the world.

The voice on the phone. Who was she? Why was she asking me to the forest on Friday night? Would I go?

I thought about disappointment. I've had my share, and then some. Like my Dad used to say, "If I wasn't disappointed I'd have no emotions at all." Some days I worked hard at ignoring the pain of the disappointment I feel about the past. Some days I actually feel like maybe I'm not in pain, and that's about as good as my life gets.

I went to Mark's Market and got a quarter cord of wood. I guess I was going to the forest. I also got some things from the market. Things I wouldn't normally buy. Hot chocolate mix, two of the blue metal cups people camping drink coffee and hot chocolate from, some wooden matches and five candles.

On the drive home I was thinking about the weekend. Somehow she knew it was my weekend off. She knew more about me than I knew about her. I wondered what was out at the end of that road. I wondered who was out at the end of that road.

The radio weather guy started his forecast with news about the storm. He thought it would begin Friday night after seven and end Sunday afternoon. It could drop up to a foot of snow. I was glad my truck had lots of firewood in it. I was also glad I had a four wheel drive truck.

When I got off work I topped off my truck and headed home. I packed some things for the weekend: a sweater, sweatshirt, extra socks and pants, toilet kit, two extra blankets, a couple of towels, and my sleeping bag. I ate and then went to sleep. My dreams were about a faceless woman and huddling in the cold.

The sun was almost down when I drove away from town. I followed the directions and found the road off the highway. It was unmarked and dirt. By the time I had gone half a mile it was mostly dark and I could only see what my headlights illuminated. As my odometer told me I had gone two miles the road turned. I saw a cabin just ahead. Smoke curled from the chimney and I saw that there was a small lantern sitting on the ground a few steps out from the door.

I backed the truck to the front of the cabin and got out. A large drop of rain hit me on the neck as I stepped out of the truck. The wood was safe. It was covered with a tarp. I grabbed my bag and sleeping bag and ran for the porch.

On the porch I opened the door to the cabin and put my bag and sleeping bag on the floor. Since I was already wet I went back to the truck and got an arm load of wood. Somehow getting the wood onto the porch and out of the weather became important and I spent some time getting all of it out of the truck and stacked on the porch. I covered the stack with the tarp and then I went again to the door.

I stepped inside and shut the door behind me. The cabin was small, consisting of a room with everything but the bathroom and what I hoped was a bathroom. The fire in the fireplace was doing a good job of warming the interior. The far wall contained cabinets, a small stove and a refrigerator. A small table covered with a red and white checkered tablecloth and with two chairs sat near the kitchen. Against the wall opposite the fireplace the bed resided. Between the bed and the fire a small couch faced the fire. In the middle of the bed was another gray envelope.

I assumed that she was in the bathroom. I was freezing and wet so I skinned down to naked and used a towel I brought to dry off. I hung my clothes over one of the chairs that I moved close to the fire. I pulled on a sweater and pair of pants from my bag. The envelope seemed to call and I answered by picking it up.

My name was printed by hand on the face of the envelope. Nick

Inside the note said:Welcome! Get dry and comfortable.

I'll be here soon. Think of me.

Nicole

Nicole? I didn't know anyone named Nicole. I once thought that if my wife and I ever had a daughter I would like to name her Nicole. I had even imagined how she would look as an adult with her mother's strawberry blond hair, skin like cream and the body of a goddess. She would be about five nine and always have the freshly scrubbed look I loved about her mother.

I stopped. Nicole was never to be. That dream and so many others died in the crash that ended my wife's life, and mine.

I looked at the couch and noticed a glass with ice and a can of Diet Coke next to it. Since the accident I hadn't had anything stronger than coffee or Diet Coke. Whoever this Nicole was she knew me. I sat on the couch, poured some DC in the glass and took a sip.

I waited. Sipping and watching the fire. Curiosity and memories ran my thoughts and I was lost in those thoughts. Maybe I was so lost in those thoughts that I didn't hear her open the door and enter the room, but suddenly I heard her soft voice.

"Please don't turn around just yet. Just listen to me. I am not your daughter Nicole. I look just as you imagined she would look but I am not her. I have come to give you a gift but the gift and this weekend have strings on them. Before you look at me or do anything you must agree with the strings."

"What are the strings?" I asked in my head. I don't think I actually said the words out loud.

"You cannot ask me anything about anything that happened before you arrived here in this room. Do you agree?"

"That's it? I agree."

"There is more. You cannot ask me to stay past this weekend. You cannot ask how I know what I know. You cannot attempt to hurt me. You cannot leave until the storm is over. Do you agree?"

"Yes."

"Please set the DC down and stand up and close your eyes." Her voice was so gentle and soft I wasn't sure I was hearing her with my ears or the words just were there in my mind. I did as she asked and when my eyes were closed I felt her standing in front of me. Without thinking I took her in my arms and she kissed me.

Lips like that could be illegal in many places on this planet. They were warm and soft and I seemed to melt into them. Everything else disappeared in that kiss. I was not aware of the storm, the fire, standing, only her lips and warmth. I am not even sure I breathed.

When she withdrew her lips I instantly missed them. I opened my eyes and the face just inches from mine was Nicole. Exactly as I had pictured her. She put her finger against my lips and said, "Don't ask. You promised. Everything will be clear and you will know everything by the end of the weekend. Are you hungry?"

I nodded. She stepped away from me and into the kitchen. She was wearing a white dress that buttoned down the front all the way to the hem. It was made of eyelet material and fitted to her waist. At the hem it looked like a dress that was popular a few years before where the lacy petticoat showed. Women I used to know wore dresses like it when they went country dancing. They wore western boots when they went dancing. Nicole's legs were bare as were her feet. I was entranced by how she moved. The fluidity was that of a well trained dancer. No wasted motion at all. In less than a minute dinner was on the table. I watched her and finally understood the military phrase shock and awe. I surrendered. I had loved this woman as a dream and now she was here. She was here and looking at me like she expected me to do something.

I suddenly realized that what she wanted was for me to sit down and eat. My clothes were on my chair and I picked them up to move them and they were dry. How long had I been here? My watch was gone. I sat down.

We ate. I kept looking at her and wanting to ask questions. I didn't want to break any of the strings so I didn't ask. She kept smiling at me.

"Nick, look inside yourself. What are you feeling right now, besides a little confusion?"

"Happiness."

"Feel good?"

"Great!"

"I didn't bring that to you. It was inside you all along. Now eat."

We ate. I know the meal was wonderful but I don't know what it was. I loved watching her eat. I studied every movement, stored every thing she did in case I suddenly woke up from this strange dream.

When dinner was over Nicole asked me to bring in some more firewood. She gathered our dishes and I went onto the porch. I brought three arm loads of firewood in, stacked it near the fireplace, and added two pieces of firewood to the fire. When I looked up Nicole was leaning against the sink watching me and smiling.

"What's next?" I asked.

"For the moment I still want to be in charge. Let's go out on the porch."

It was cold outside and we didn't take jackets or blankets. Nicole was in a thin cotton dress and barefoot. My sweater and pants were enough for in the cabin but I too was barefoot. I felt a coolness on my face but everything else felt warm. We stood on the porch and Nicole stood against me and folded my arms around her. I could smell a delightful fragrance that seems to be rising from the nape of her neck. My lips found her neck and Nicole tilted her head inviting my free access to as much of her neck as I might want. She folded her arms into mine.

Somewhere in my mind a picture formed of how we would look from out where the road turned. A man holding a beautiful woman and kissing her while standing on the porch of this cabin, as the rain fell. The porch had a metal roof so we could easily hear the rain as it landed on the roof over our heads.

When I looked up from Nicole's neck the wind was swirling the rain out in front of us. The light from the cabin window sparkled on the raindrops as they fell. Beyond the illuminated rain the night was completely dark.

At some moment Nicole turned and hugged me. I loved how she felt in my arms. Memories of my wife and how she felt flashed thru me and I realized that it had been her who was the last woman in my arms. Disappointment washed over me like a wave, a familiar and uncomfortable wave. Disappointment that it wasn't her standing here in my arms. Disappointment that it had been over a year since the last time I had kissed or held anyone.

That flash was followed by a thought; "Nick, you can be in disappointment that the past is gone or you can live in this moment."

Nicole tilted her face to mine and I kissed her again. As the kiss warmed me and filled me with feelings I had put away I began to really pay attention to what I was feeling. I quit thinking about who she was, where she came from, how she knew me. I even stopped thinking about the past.

The next time I looked out the rain had turned to snow. A light dusting had covered the top and hood of my truck. The snow was falling straight down in silence.

"Perhaps we should go inside," I said.

Nicole turned without speaking and led us inside. I closed the door.

Nicole went behind the couch and sat on the foot of the bed. She looked up at me and asked, "Nick, would you do me a little favor?"

"If I can."

She patted the bed next to her. I sat.

"Nick, I want you to love me. I want you to undress me and love my body, my warmth, my slippery parts. I want you to be here with me as you share yourself with me. I want this weekend to be about joy and laughter and sex and living in the moment. Can you do that favor for me?"

"Can I ask a question?"

"Another one?"

"Yes. Why me?"

"I know some things about you. One of them is how powerful your love can be. For the past few months you have been suppressing your love. All my life I have wanted to be loved the way I believe you can love someone. For this weekend I want it to be me."

"Maybe the old me was loving and capable of loving like you say. That's past. I'm not like that anymore."

"I don't want the man you were five years ago or even the man you were five days ago. I want the man you can be five minutes into the future to love me. No faking, no pretence, just you, letting yourself love someone, for no reason. You don't know me. I look like a fantasy you have held onto for years but you don't know me. Can you love me?"

"I think I may have forgotten how to love."

"Shall I go then? Are you turning me down?" Her face showed that leaving wasn't what she wanted. Her eyes filled with tears and sadness.

My heart opened. It had been closed and shuttered for a long time and suddenly I did not want Nicole to be disappointed. I wrapped my arms around her, pulled her close and whispered: "I will love you as much as I'm able for the whole weekend."

"Can we start with more kissing?"

"No. I will start by adding a couple more logs to the fire. I may be busy for a while and I don't want to be interrupted."

That done, I came back to Nicole sitting on the bed. As I sat I noticed the top three buttons of her dress were unbuttoned. I leaned to her and kissed her. She tasted like strawberries. The taste was faint but recognizable as strawberries. Her tongue slid into my mouth and danced with mine. Her hands pushed at me and I found my self laying back on the bed with Nicole above me.

Nicole hiked up her skirts and straddled me at the waist. Suddenly I was aware of her warmth radiating into my hips. The heat and weight of her on top of me helped create the beginning of arousal.

I was looking up at this woman sitting on me smiling her enigmatic smile and I wanted her. I was aware that I wanted to hold her, wanted to touch her, wanted to lay her on the bed and... not fuck her. No, I wanted to... I didn't have a word but I knew it wasn't fuck.

Nicole bent over and kissed me. She sat right back up and I grabbed her arms and pulled her back to my lips. She sat back up and resisted when I reached for her arms again. Instead she reached for the top buttoned button and slowly unbuttoned it. All the while she looked at my face. After the button was loose I pulled her to my lips again and the kiss was warmer, longer, with more tongue dancing.

As the kiss ended she sat up again and the next button came loose. I saw white lace in the opening created. Another kiss. Then, a kiss on her neck. More than one.

She pushed back up and unbuttoned the next button. One more and she would be unbuttoned to her waist. She held the sides open and I could see lots of pale skin and the lace of half of each cup of her bra. Being a man I thought; "maybe a B cup, maybe a C."

She took both of my hands and placed them on her bra. I made a light circular motion and felt her nipples tighten. I also felt my erection pushing against her bottom. I knew she could feel it too.

"Do you want to finish undressing me or do you want to watch?"

"May I watch?"

"Of course. I know I will love having you watch."

Nicole jumped off me and off the bed. She danced around the cabin. The light from the fireplace danced on her skin and reflected colors off her white dress. She stopped over by the fireplace and reached for the hem of her dress. One button at a time she unbuttoned the dress from the bottom up. After each button was loose she danced and twirled. With each move I could see more of her legs.

She stopped again at the fireplace. Only two buttons left. She walked back to me and said, "They're yours. Please finish undressing me. Unwrap me like the present I am for you."

My hands shook as I unbuttoned those last two buttons. The dress opened and Nicole was standing before me in white lace panties and bra framed by the dress hanging from her shoulders. The skin of her body showed no tan lines from last summer, or ever, just silky smooth blemishless skin. The bra and panties were white lace but didn't show any hint of nipples or pubic hair.

I realized I knew nothing about this woman, again. I'd never been one for a one-night-stand. I'd dated my wife almost a year before she stood before my like Nicole was standing at that moment. It felt like something was wrong. It felt like she was making a mistake. She should be here with someone else. I was bad luck. She would be disappointed... and so would I.