Dissertation Offense/Defense

Rachel looked puzzled. "We're not going to be able to do that. The research grant only covers three passes that will get us enough of a sample to meet our plus/minus targets."

Ethan had a sense he was on shaky ground, but he wanted to make sure their research was thorough. "I know, but we can work around that."

Frustration was beginning to replace puzzlement for Rachel. "What do you mean, 'work around' it? I don't have the time to get more grant funds. I don't know about you, but I have to get my dissertation completed in 18 months or I run out of..." Her face redden. "...of funds. Getting another grant would be a half-year minimum with no guarantee we'd get it and that means I couldn't be looking at data until..."

There was no way for Ethan to talk around the issue. "I'll cover it. Don't worry, we'll stay on track but we need the data."

"I can't let you do that. Ethan we're talking about 50 or 60 grand. No. There's no way....I couldn't ever...no. Let's stick with the three and..."

"Rachel. There's no way for me to say this without seeming like a complete ass, but it's not a problem. You don't owe me anything and we both need the data. Remember when you asked me about my company...well let's just say that the study will be funded by the now defunct Zenttara education outreach campaign."

Growing up in a household of two academics had conditioned Rachel to accept that the world was full of haves and have-nots. After a decade of academic pursuits of her own, she was firmly entrenched in the have-not camp. The university stipend and odds and ends she could pick up amounted to just enough to keep the lights on and plenty of ramen noodles on hand. 50-thousand dollars was a fantasy. It was a sum so completely out of her reach as to be a farce. She refused to be a charity case. Yet her desire to get the data tugged in the opposite direction. He was volunteering the funds and it would really be for his benefit as well as hers.

The Skype video quality was good, but not so good that he could get a read on her eyes. She'd gone silent and was fidgeting with her pen.

She said, "You're sure about this? It's something you're going to do for yourself?"

Ethan sighed with relief, she's just shown him how to frame his decision so it wouldn't violate her pride. "I would be doing this with or without your participation. In fact, had I not been working with you I wouldn't have the grant money at all and would have self-funded all of my surveys."

Rachel chewed on her lip and then said, "Okay then." She got up and wandered over to her window and was quiet for a moment. She was thinking about her father and what he would've said. He'd been a man of deep passions. Pride, intellectual curiosity, music, politics but never business. What would he have said about accepting this gift? She made her decision and came back to her desk. "Fine, we'll add the fourth." She leaned over the desk to grab her mouse so she could end the call. With her other hand she was writing notes on a pad of paper. "We'll talk on Tuesday and nail down the first solid draft of the questions. In the meantime, I'll also talk to the Grant Office and see if there is any way we can avoid having you spend the money if we can. Sound good?"

Ethan was speechless. Rachel's camera was mounted on the top of her screen and was currently giving him an unfettered view down the neckline of her dress. Her face was mostly out of the frame which meant that her right breast took up the center of the image. The smooth, graceful line of her collar bone led his eye toward the slightly pointed breast as the extension of her right arm combined with the effects of gravity on the malleable skin.

"Yeah. Good." He said distractedly.

"Great. Talk to you Tuesday. Bye." And clicked the disconnect button as soon as he responded. Rachel was pleased with how the conversation had gone. She felt ten pounds lighter after apologizing and the foolishness of that conference was behind them. Moments later, her cell rang. Ling's name appeared on the screen.

Rachel poked the answer button on the screen. "Salam wa aleikum, Ling." She laughed along with her friend. "You're going to have to get used to that pretty damn soon. How's the baby?"

Ling's smile could be heard in her voice. "Fine but if she doesn't figure out how to make it through the night, I'm going to careen headlong into criminal insanity. Just one six-hour stretch is all I want."

"I can only imagine. So is it still okay if I drop by tonight? Need me to pick anything up?" Rachel's pen hovered over the pad of paper.

"That's why I was calling. Would you mind getting some boneless, skinless chicken breasts? And maybe some asparagus and anything else that sounds good. Oh, and a half gallon of OJ."

Rachel jotted down the short list. "Sure, no problem. Oh, by the way. I just got off the phone with Ethan." She figured he'd want to say hi so she embellished a little. "He wanted me to pass along a greeting."

"How's he doing? Did you say anything about the Great Peeing Incident?" Ling emphasized the title. While she could understand Rachel's not liking the fact that it had happened, Ling found it endlessly humorous.

"Oh grow up. Yes, I apologized and he was just as nice about it as you would expect. We actually had a really good conversation. I think this is going to work out after all, we seem to complement each other."

Ling's voice took on a more mischievous tone. "Complement, mmm? Is that what kids call it these days?"

"You're not helping, Ling. There's nothing going on -- hell the last time he saw me I basically ran away from him and anyway, there's no way he's single. Why is it married people are always so eager for unmarried folks to get together?"

Ling ignored the question and got back to the topic of more interest to her. "And why wouldn't he be free?" Ling happened to know that he wasn't single, but she was interested in the way Rachel has said that Ethan couldn't have been attached to someone.

"Well he's a good looking guy, thoughtful and...."

"Mmmm. I see. Good looking, huh?"

"Shut it, Ling. Yes he is and he can also be a first class asshole."

Ling hadn't been in the class when Ethan had unloaded on Rachel, but she knew all about it from many points of view. She felt really bad for her friend even though Rachel'd probably deserved it. Ling said, "You seem to have brought that out in him...years ago that is. But he is single and Phil was just saying to me yesterday that he was hoping Ethan would get back into the dating world. You know he didn't just lose his company when everything went to pot."

Rachel flushed at the thought of his paying for the research. "Couldn't have been all that bad. I mean, he's clearly living well and all."

Ling knew the whole story and also knew that Ethan was pretty private about things. He'd tell Rachel if he wanted to. "He did well with the acquisition, but it came with a cost is all I can say. Anyway, I'm glad things are going well for you guys. Oh, that's the little munchkin." Rachel could tell that Ling was walking through her apartment to the nursery. "Hello bright eyes. Hungry again already? Uh, Rach. I have to go."

"No problem. See you later, Ling." Rachel put her phone down and looked at the screen where Ethan's face had been a few minutes prior. She chided herself for feeling a little rush at the idea that he was single.

**

The screen had gone blank all too quickly yet the image of her breast remained engraved in his mind for weeks. Rachel had leaned over to finish the call and Ethan almost questioned if it had really happened. Yet he couldn't get it out of his head. What was he, twelve? He'd seen breasts before, hell three clicks of the mouse and he could see a thousand nipples. Of course, it wasn't the same. Rachel was taking on a more pronounced role in his daily thoughts either in terms of the work they were doing or in his changing impression of her.

Ethan focused on the present and selected Professor Rajagopalan's name from his contacts list. "Sanjit, how are you?" The Skype window pixilated and then clarified the video feed that showed the silver hair and dark complexion of the wizened professor.

"And a good afternoon to you, Ethan. I trust you are well?"

Hearing the familiar voice and seeing his mentor made Ethan smile warmly. "Indeed, sir. I'm doing quite well in fact. I have to say that your match-making seems to have been a good idea after all."

Rajagopalan gave a mock-solemn bow of his head. "Then I am happy. You are finding the work or the partner enlightening?"

Ethan paused to think about his answer. "I think it's fair to say both. Rachel and I had to get past some rocky ground initially but I'd say that we're in a much better place now. Did she let you know that we have the first survey in the field? Getting the first set of data will be critical for each of us as we set direction on our theses. Based on the next few months of conferences, I think we should be able to get together a couple of times. It seems like the more time we spend in person nets us better results than email or Skype."

"One can only hope. Ethan," The older man's face showed some concern, "are you sure she's okay with a frequent travel schedule? Travel does not come cheaply these days."

"Yeah. As far as I know. We've been hashing it out on email and so far I think we're good." Ethan was a little taken aback by the question but he really had triple-checked on email. The more he thought about it, the more he looked forward to the conferences.

**

"Thanks, thanks a lot...yeah....great. Thanks." Ethan was responding to the kind words being directed at him by people passing in the hallway. He'd been asked to sit on a panel at a Big Data conference and his comments had apparently been well-received. He was attempting to talk with Colin who'd also showed up at the conference. "Sorry, man. Yeah—I think the general trend is to focus on tools rather than the data itself, but I still....oh, hey. Thank you...."

Colin grinned. "I'm lucky to be basking in your presence. I figure I look smart just standing here talking to you."

"Stuff it. It wasn't that good of a discussion."

"It seems like your most ardent admirers are all women. Academic conferences don't all have to be about information technology. Don't underestimate the amount of scholarly interest there is in human anatomy."

Ethan laughed. "Do you ever think of anything else? And somehow I doubt your judgment on these things."

Colin's grin turned wry. He could see the interest in admiring glances that Ethan was getting. His friend had done a great job on the panel, but more than that, he'd been charismatic. Colin had a great deal of respect for Ethan's intellect but something had been different. He'd been more...passionate about his points of view and it had been compelling to watch. "I don't need ESP to figure out what's on the minds of the ladies in the room. You were 'on' up there and should take advantage of this. Man, it's time for you to get back into the game."

"The game is rigged and fucked. Not sure I want to be 'in' that game again." Ethan had told Colin all about the whole Selma—Paul saga. "Anyway I'm getting together with Rachel tonight. We have our first round of results to go through and we only see each other once every other month or so as it is. I don't have time to get my head messed up with a distraction."

"Ethan. Getting laid is not a distraction. It's healthy and, more to the point, it's something you need to get out of your system so you can start living a little again."

Ethan grimaced. "I'm not a monk, you know. I've dated but things just don't work out with anyone. And as for....hey, there's Rachel. I'll catch up with you tomorrow. I've got to talk to her about..."

Colin slapped his friend on the shoulder. "No worries. I'd ask you to say hi to her, but I'm not sure the ice-queen wants to hear from me."

"She's much nicer than you think."

"Yeah, right. Don't let her draw you into her web. You'll never get out alive.." Colin let his voice trail off ominously as he moved through the crowd toward the coffee service.

Ethan headed across the congested foyer to catch up with Rachel. She was headed to one of the registration tables and it took him a few moments to get over to her as he'd been stopped a half-dozen times by women who wanted to chat with him about his performance on the panel. Maybe they were interested after all.

When Ethan finally made it to Rachel, he hung back while she talked to the reception desk and he couldn't help but overhear what was being said.

Rachel was doing a poor job hiding her dismay at what she was being told. "What do you mean my room has been cancelled? That's ridiculous. I've had a reservation for weeks."

The woman behind the desk was being falsely polite. "Ma'am. The hotel said that there's been a serious problem with their facility and we have 35 attendees who've been affected. I'm sorry, but you're going to have to find another accommodation. Unfortunately the nearest hotel with room is out on Rt. 128 but we're setting up a shuttle. Also due to the late change, we can't get the same rate as we did here. It's going to be $265 a night."

"Jesus Christ, I can't do that! You've got to be kidding me. You want me to fork over a hundred and forty extra a night and add a 40-minute commute on top of that? That's crazy and completely unacceptable. You have to..."

The reception vendor's voice was getting less polite. "I don't 'have' to do anything. We've made alternate arrangements. I'm sorry that we can't do more. Do you want the room or not?"

"No. No, I can't do that. Shit!" Rachel didn't know what she was going to do. She didn't have enough in her account to cover the flights on her credit card never mind any food or hotel. Fuck! Where would she get almost $500 more to deal with this trip? She was stretched as it was going to the conferences that Ethan was attending so she could stay current with his schedule. She'd never let on to him that the face to face meetings at conferences were an inordinate financial burden for her. She'd long-since blown through the grant budget and sapped her small savings that had been built up by careful economizing. She could feel tears of frustration stinging her eyes. "Damn it! I don't have the money for that. There's no other...."

"I'm sorry. You'll have to make other arrangements."

Rachel turned from the table and found Ethan standing no more than two feet behind her. Emotional confusion at seeing him unexpectedly only augmented the frustration. She'd been looking forward to seeing him again more than even she had admitted to herself and yet her embarrassment was acute knowing that he'd overheard her predicament. She vainly tried to surreptitiously wipe away her tears. "Oh...Ethan. Hi. I ah...got in a little late but caught the end of the panel session this morning. You were great." Of course he'd come late to avoid paying for the hotel room the night before the conference, never mind the extra meals. "I'm going to need to take care of something before we talk. Okay?"

Ethan's mind clicked through the facts that he both knew and those that he could surmise. They'd met at a conference a month for the past four and the grant had allocated budget for just one in each of the two years of research. He ran a quick estimate of her annual stipend from GW and the evidence he had picked up over the past months of Skype calls and clues from random details in her emails. His eagerness to work on his research had blinded him to what it had meant for her. Rajagopalan had tried to hint for Ethan to be more aware of what he was asking her to do. Yet their work was important and time...no! He had to be honest with himself. He'd pushed for more conferences because it was an excuse to spend time with her. She was hard-headed, passionate, bloody smart...and she'd gotten under his skin. Ethan hadn't stopped to think about what he was really feeling for her nor what his selfishness had done to her. What it had cost her both in resources and pride.

"Rachel. What's going on with the hotel?"

She knew her attempt at being blasé had failed. "Look it's nothing. I'll sort it out. How about we..."

"No, it's not nothing. I'm such an ass—you should have said something to me sooner."

Rachel squeezed her eyes shut in the hopes that she could restrain herself from further tears, but her body betrayed her. She was tired from getting up before dawn for her flight, was probably running low blood sugar levels from skipping breakfast and thus was exposed to her own emotions. She was also angry at having so quickly spoiled the time with Ethan. Frustration tears were a negatively recursive loop for her. She didn't want to cry, but she was frustrated by the situation which made her cry, and then she'd get angry at herself for crying, so then...god damn it. "How could I have said something sooner? I just got here and found out that..."

Since Ethan's thought process had jumped ahead, it took him a moment to see that she hadn't understood his point. Rather than having out the whole scene there in the crowded area, he approached her and gently relieved Rachel of her shoulder and roller bags. He said, "Come with me. We're going to sort this out."

Rachel was in no condition to dispute his actions. She mashed her eyes with her fingers and gathered her frayed emotions as best she could. The planning of this trip and her anticipation of seeing Ethan again had been tainted. She knew this was the last trip she could possibly afford and it was possible that the expenses were going to force her to stop working on her dissertation altogether for a while so she could get a job. Any crap job would do but she had to have electricity, water and food for Christ's sake. She felt real tears beginning to well and did everything she could to control herself until they got to his room.

After the door had closed, Ethan could see that Rachel was holding it together by a mere thread. She had a slightly hunted look in her eyes which was reminiscent of their experience in that stalled elevator. He placed her bags near the sofa and encouraged her out of her jacket. It was only then that he recognized his own jacket and he smiled. Rachel didn't turn, she hugged herself and shuddered. Ethan's heart was in his throat, but he had to reach out to her.

Rachel was fighting back an urge to sob. The hotel room was deadly silent and she wouldn't, couldn't allow herself to let go in front of him. How could she explain that it wasn't the hotel room, it wasn't the money, it was him? After so many years of disdaining his presence, she found herself marking time between Skype calls and thinking through every detail before seeing him at a conference.

Ethan did the one thing that she least expected yet most desperately needed. He didn't say a thing. He simply wrapped his arms around her from behind and drew her body into his. She felt his lean frame and the strength in his arms and then a most distinct and purposeful kiss on the top of her head. She cried.

**

They remained in an embrace until Rachel quieted. Ethan let go and guided her onto the couch so he could go get her some tissues and a glass of water. She gratefully took the proffered items and removed her glasses. She wiped her eyes and attempted to blow her nose with a shred of remaining dignity. Ethan had fetched a selection of snacks from the mini bar and placed them on the coffee table in front of her as well. Then he plopped down in an overstuffed chair and looked at her. Her face was mottled and her eyes were rimmed red from the tears. She was beautiful.

He said, "I think we need to talk. And for once, not talk around things, not talk past each other, not get in our own way. It's like we keep stumbling over our past just to spite what we're doing now."