Dissolve

How many more hoops must I jump through before you let me enter the inner circle? And of that number, how many will I attempt before I throw my hands in the air and my towel into the ring? The ring that so confines you. Love runs rings around you. In a perfect world my caged bird and yours would sing. I draw you aside for hurried consultation, whether permitting – whether there’s anyone else there. Heaven forbid you draw me, three-dimensionally, as I truly am. I do remember once you drew me close so quietly with your arm at my waist, your hidden hand gently feeling my side. But I am the other side of you, and we can’t be on centre stage together. Can’t abide. And so this clean-and-dirty secret has to hide. You come and go, and I carry this show. I should be old enough to know that I’ll get snake-eyes on the final throw.

It was the looks, from you to me to you to me and always longer than strictly necessary. Like a fish in a dish with your hook in my mouth, I took you all the way in. You pierced me and you crawled inside, curled up with me like original sin. Now you sit in that chair and you just stare and stare, for where’s the harm in looking? Perhaps you’d like to dance, but will not chance to ask? I wonder and wonder, what can it be, that drew you like filings to magnetic me? Shall we take the floor, and get this something straight between us? Will you find your rhythm, guide my steps, move in time with me? There is no right in the final fight. Maybe you will find squaring up easier than coming out. I am always tensed, never recompensed. There is no comfort in your touch for me. There is no touch for fear of what might be.

Now, I may be merely me but I could take a punch. Yes, I could take a punch and put it right through your fragile web of lies. I could detonate the suspect device and leave you fighting for your life...such as it is. But I still care too much to try; and you wonder, why do I? Will I make a mistake for the sake of it, and watch you take the weight of it? Do you know what brinkmanship is? I know where you belong. You are the words to my nonsense song. Everyone told me this was wrong. Oh, but there are stranger things under heaven than I. So many things to be about and much inspired by. Needful, needy, knee-deep and this wreck is going down. Let me out, lover, before we both drown.

The things we’ve seen and done unseen are now undone, and yet our story will run and run. It’s a shameful tale of nothing begun, of battles waged but never won, of slander and betrayal in the House of Fun. Can you still tell me what happy is? What is it like to have me under your skin but never feel me there? Hang your head, there’s one thing worse than being dead, as we shall doubtless see. Time and tide wait for no one, but you will wait for me. Because there’s always something there, between us – I see you feel it, but god knows you’ll never reveal it. It stays as concealed as your true self, as hidden as your heart, the ever-present false-start. I watch with interest as you fight to keep colliding worlds apart.

Oh, I have done the best I could: played out my hand, behaved as I should. I once was a player and I played the game; played along, and you did the same. But I’ve run to exhaustion as often before, my blood boiling in my veins, my sweat and tears wasted on your heedless back. So many tears to fill each year, one by one, time after time. We suffer for love; why do I love to suffer? Am I your ego boost? Am I your personality fluffer? Credit where it’s due, you have always seen me through...only now I see through you, you’re too frightened to be true. It seems such a shame to leave you that way, but goodness always falters where unkind words hold sway. There’s a box by my bed where I keep the things you said; the little gifts I crave that you never ever gave. How long will you keep? How much will you lose from my passing? If you want me to stay then why aren’t you asking?