Ditzy Donna

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"And Deadbeat wants a pink one with jockey marks!"

The siren died, the red and blue lights switched off, and the gong stopped in mid gong. The counter guy, onion chopper and the cook each appeared at our booth carrying their choice of club. The cook's was a nine iron.

"Deadbeat."

"Deadbeat."

"Deadbeat."

"Don't worry, I'm paying," snorted Donna.

"Donna!"

"Donna!"

"Donna!"

"Hi guys," she replied, flapping at them. The trio departed giving me one last dirty look. Big Peg just grinned at me. "Ralphie, would you mind if I stay at your place for the next few days?" asked Donna.

I was stunned. "Yeah!" Here was the girl that made my day; the one I was beginning to believe was THE ONE, and she wanted to know if it was okay to stay with me. "No problem at all." I'm sure the grin on my face was obvious.

"It's just that I don't have any other place to go," she explained.

"How did you bump into Jim?" I asked.

"Well, I had stopped by the old school to see if anyone knew where you lived. You said in your letters that you still helped out with the band. I bumped into Jim waiting for his girl."

"You mean Jim is in my apartment with a minor?" I said, jumping up from my seat.

Big Peg eyed me up like I was ready to skip the bill.

"No, she's some flunky. She's our age but still trying to get the diploma."

I sat back down and chuckled. "I don't know where he finds them."

A kid appeared with a tray to serve us. I got my burger and basket of fries. Donna received a plate with the sandwich and fries with gold sparklers stuck in both. The kid held out a cassette player and turned it on. The theme from the movie M*A*S*H came on and the kid started to sing. When he hit the refrain, the counter guy, the onion chopper, and the cook joined in...

"...That suicide is painless. It brings on many changes. And I can take or leave it if I please..."

"Thanks, we get the idea," I said, waving him off.

I could smell the sauce sitting across from her. It had a metallic twang to it and I thought my nose was going to bleed just from the vapors.

"It's on me, so enjoy," she said, picking up her fork and knife. I watched as she forked a fry loaded with the sauce and chili. It made its way to her mouth and I watched, almost in a sadistic way. Her eyes closed as the first fire ignited in her head. Then she began to chew like it was the first home cooked meal she ever had in her life. "God, this is so good. I almost forgot."

Her breath nearly knocked me unconscious.

She then cut a piece of the sandwich and shoved it in. I closed my eyes expecting her to start gagging. I heard her inhale and then snort. "Thank you for coming here, Ralph. I love this place so much." She leaned across the table and gave me a quick kiss on the lips.

Besides being stunned from the fact that 'My Girl' just gave me a kiss, my lips started burning like I had flicked a Bic and was resting the flames against them. I ran my fingers across them, not to wipe away the sauce, but to be certain that they weren't bleeding. Then I did have to wipe away the sauce as it began searing into my skin.

"How can you eat that?"

She rolled her eyes and said, "This is so good," under her breath to me.

As we ate, I could tell she was enjoying herself and Big Peg made sure she was stationed between us and the exit. After a few extra colas for Donna we were ready to go. Peg brought the check and handed it to Donna. It was $7.50. She checked her pockets and then shrugged her shoulders. "I think I need to see the manager."

"Sure sweetie, anything for you," cooed Big Peg, and then hoisted her skirt again for my benefit.

"You're all mine if she can't work something out, Deadbeat," she whispered to me.

I shuddered in my seat. "I thought you were paying," I said to Donna, as Peg got out of earshot.

"I am," she replied, flapping her sleeves at me.

A fortyish balding man appeared at our table with half-moon black rimmed glasses seated low on his nose and several stains on his white dress shirt. "Is there a problem here?"

"Well, there seems to be a bit of a mix up. I was supposed to pay for dinner, but I forgot to bring money. Is there a way we could work this out?" asked Donna, batting her eyelashes at him.

The man looked back at me sizing me up. "We don't let people work off their food tabs here. If you can't pay, we'll have to call the police," looking as tough as he could and then licked at a fresh stain on his sleeve.

"Oh, I'm sure there's a way to fix this problem," said Donna, running a hand up and down the poor man's leg.

I rolled my eyes and looked at the ceiling.

"No there isn't," he said, sounding a little less assertive.

"Oh come on, it's just seven dollars and fifty cents," cooed Donna, running her hand closer and closer to the man's crotch.

"Donna, don't..."

"Shhh..."

"Um, maybe if I talked to you in private," he said, as he started to move his body a bit to help her hand reach his fortyish manhood.

"Sounds good to me, show me the way," she said standing up.

"Donna..." I pleaded with her.

She shot me a 'Be Quiet' look and then smiled back at the manager. "Wait for me outside, I'll be there in a few minutes," she said out of the corner of her mouth and then winked.

I watched as she grabbed the last fry off her plate and followed the man behind the counter and disappeared down a hall. As I stood Big Peg had her eye on me. We stared each other down for a minute and then I moseyed my way toward the door. 'Her Hugeness' lumbered over and blocked the exit.

"Hey! Donna's taking care of the bill with the boss," I said, puffing my chest out with bravado.

"You don't leave until he tells me you can, Deadbeat," she grunted back, puffing out her chest and knocking me back a foot.

Taking a deep breath, I leaned into her face and said...

An ear piercing scream came from the back of the building. Big Peg took off in the direction of the wounded and I booked out to the parking lot. I got about twenty paces out of the place when I heard another scream burst into the lot as the door flew open and Donna came running out with her sleeves flapping around as her arms turned like the blades of a windmill. "Look for a Chevy!" she shouted, holding an arm up long enough for me to see a set of keys.

'Oh God.' I looked around franticly, but there were at least six of them there. "What are we looking for?"

"Something with stains on the seat!" Donna said, running to the first two she reached. Then she reached a Nova and spotted some paperwork sitting in the back seat. "Here it is!" She stuck the key in the door.

It worked.

She jumped in and opened the passenger door. "Get in!" she shouted, but I was forty feet away. As I turned toward her there was another scream that emanated from the eatery. It wasn't the same as before. This one was fierce and guttural. The glass door shattered as 'Her Hugeness' flung it open and rumbled out only as a four hundred and fifty pound woman could. She was carrying the cook's nine iron.

I knew I had to reach the car before I had a permanent divot in my head.

"Deadbeat! Dickhead!" shouted Peg.

I ran to the open door and slammed it shut behind me. "Let's go!"

Donna held up a broken key head in my face.

"What happened?" I asked, turning to see Peg getting awfully big in the window.

"It wouldn't turn and it broke!" shouted Donna.

"You have to push that button over here," I said, feeling around the steering column. I looked out the window and Peg was about twenty feet away, but had stopped to take a breather.

"Fat bitch," I mumbled as I slid under the dash. A few wires here and then the car started. "Okay, press the button to release the wheel." As I sat up, the nine iron crashed through the passenger window and nearly sent my IQ down to the drooling stage.

"Deadbeat!"

The manager appeared in the doorway with his pants still down but his boxers back up.

"Someone call the police!" He pulled out the elastic waistband and looked down. "Someone call an ambulance! It's blistering!"

The huge woman actually stopped a moment. She looked over her shoulder at the man that signed her checks and said, "Who cares?" Then her head slowly turned back to me with the club held high over her head. A wicked grin formed on her face. "Fuck you Deadbeat," she growled.

The club swung down again.

Donna threw it into gear and hit the gas. The club missed and caught on a piece of loose chrome.

"Fuck you, you piece of fat shit! Burn in hell! Eat me, hippo woman! You reek of fat smelly funk you piece of ugly fat, ugly fat, ugly..." I realized Peg was still standing next to the passenger's window instead of becoming a shrinking image in the rear view mirror.

The nine iron worked itself loose and came down again.

"Donna?" I asked urgently.

"It stalled!"

'Oh man!' I slid under the dash and again hit the wires. As Donna urged the car out of the lot, Peg managed to take few more swings and I got it on my upper legs. Her last swing caught the lever for the seat and hooked itself. She could have let go, but not her. As we headed out to the street, Peg was dragged a good fifty feet, screaming 'Deadbeat' the whole way.

* * *

Holy shit! Mom blew a guy for a Sloppy Joe...

* * *

Donna turned onto the main road and asked if I was okay. I was, but I doubted Big Peg was feeling too well as I watched her roll a few times onto the shoulder of the road in the side mirror.

"What happened back there?" I asked, as the car raced down Front Street.

"I had this guy pegged the moment he walked up to the table," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"I made him an offer that he was more than happy to accept."

"He wanted you to burn him?"

"No, I offered him a blow job," she said turning her head toward me, allowing her breath to nearly render me unconscious.

I hung my head and then stared out the broken window, hurt that 'My Girl' had done such a thing with that guy.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

I didn't answer.

"What? You don't think I blew him do you?"

I turned to look at her. "I don't know what to think."

"Shit Ralph. All I did was spit on him a few times," she said, snorting as she chuckled.

I felt myself going from feeling hurt to being thrilled. Donna used her head only as Ditzy Donna could.

"It took a few seconds for the guy to realize what was happening," she snorted. "I could have paid him. I really do have money, I just couldn't help myself, so I started spitting away."

My own wee-willy shrunk at the thought. "Donna, we have to get out of this car."

"No problem, here we go," she said, as we pulled into the mall parking lot.

"What are we doing here?"

"There's a bus that takes us back to your street. Let's go," she said, and then kissed me on the cheek.

It burned. I didn't care.

The bus came along about ten minutes later and soon we were standing outside my apartment door pleading for Jim to let us in. The door opened a crack and we entered. Jim was on the other side of the door in my robe, blocking our path to the living room.

"Move," I said, as 'Lord of the Castle'.

Jim chuckled a bit. "I just want you to know that the police were here for only a few minutes. Things got a little out of hand and..." Jim shook his head a moment. "She's a pistol in the sack."

"Move," I repeated, sure that the second command would be the charm. "Wait a minute. What police?"

"As the evening progressed, the bedroom antics moved from the bedroom to the living room."

I pushed Jim aside and entered a disaster area. The couch was turned over, the black & white was on the floor busted, and my hanging plants were grounded. A man was standing outside looking in my newly shade-less window. Now that I was a few feet away from Donna, my sense of smell was coming back and it told me that something had been burned while I was out. I headed toward the kitchen.

"Oh yeah, I had a problem with some Jiffy Pop."

I looked at the scorched cabinets above and the emptied CO2 extinguisher sitting below on the floor next to the stove.

"Did you know you have to shake those things while they cook?" Jim asked, like it was the discovery of the century.

"Where is she?" I asked, ready to pop him one.

"She left when the police did. I was waiting for you. Now that you're here, I'll be leaving," he said, as he took off the robe revealing his normal garb.

"Wait a minute," I said, "What were the police here for in the first place?"

"With all the screaming coming from Kelly, and man she is wild, the neighbors thought you were trying to fuck a cat."

Donna turned to look at Jim. "What? Where would they get an idea like that?"

Jim cleared his throat a few times, not sure how much he should embarrass me. He settled on the max.

"Well, it seems that the neighbors know that Ralphie boy here hasn't had a girl in his apartment for himself other than his mom. When they heard all the screaming, hissing, and shrieking, they naturally assumed that Ralph was practicing feline fornication in here," he said, tossing me my robe and handing me a yellow folded piece of paper as he headed toward the door.

"What's this?" I asked, opening it up.

"Oh, that's a citation for disturbing the peace," he replied as he opened the door.

The fine was fifty bucks, payable in three days. I handed it back to Jim but he wouldn't take it.

"You need this to pay it," I said waving it at him.

"I'm not paying anything."

"What do you mean? You're the one that caused..."

My name was on the citation.

"You told them you were me? How did you get away with that? They must have asked for ID."

Jim pulled my wallet out of his pocket and tossed it to me. "Don't leave home without it," he said as he walked out the door.

It took several minutes for me to get my emotions together. Behind me I could hear Donna setting the furniture upright and hanging the plants. All I could do was stare at my now empty wallet (Jim helped himself to my $20.00 gas and spending money) and that stupid citation.

"Ralphie?"

I dropped my arms to my side and hung my head.

"Ralph?"

I think I was ready to cry.

"Ralph!"

"What?" I asked turning to look at her.

She was bent over and walking around jerking her head at the ground like a chicken. Her arms were stretched back holding the rabbit ears from my black and white on her ass. As she pecked like a chicken, she fanned the two antennas vertical to horizontal over and over again.

"What am I?" she asked, pecking away.

I bit my lip. It was funny as shit, but all I wanted to do was dwell on the horrible evening.

"What am I?" she asked again, fanning the antenna back and forth and pecking away.

I coughed out a small chuckle. "I don't know. What are you?"

She started warbling some jingle and said, "The following presentation is brought to you in living color...on NBC!" and fell on her face laughing.

Snort!

Only Ditzy Donna could have come up with that at that moment. She got up with a little rug burn on her chin, walked right up to me and gave me a hug.

It's the best hug I've ever had in my life.

"Ralphie, I'm sorry about tonight, but everything will be okay," she whispered in my ear. I'd never heard her so serious. "Are you sure it's okay for me to stay here?"

"Of course it is." I answered and then decided to get bold. "I've missed you Donna."

She squeezed me hard. I felt that little jiggle I'd felt earlier and waited for the snort.

There wasn't any.

I felt a drop on my neck and it didn't burn.

She was crying.

I'd never thought it was possible.

She started to shake and sob. "My Mom and Dad broke up. I had to leave school. I can't even go home. They sold everything. I knew there was only one possible place to go, and it was back here to you."

As she spoke she slobbered on my neck. It burned and would probably blister, but I forgot about my unbelievably horrendous day.

I loved her, plain and simple.

Ditzy Donna.

I'd loved her since the first time she laughed at lunch and milk came out of her nose. I loved her when she mooned the milk lady, gave the principle the finger, and when she told the biology teacher she couldn't participate in lab because she had her 'time of the month' and couldn't touch samples.

*'I Loved Her! God Almighty I Loved Her!'*

I pulled back a bit to look at her. Her hair was just as wild as ever, her eyes were watery, nose was running, and her breath was still deadly.

"You're welcome to stay as long as you need to," I said evenly, trying to hide what I was feeling for her.

She pulled back and headed toward the bathroom, stopping at the door. "I think I need a shower Ralph." She wiped her eyes with her sleeves and then there was the slightest hint of a smile. "You wouldn't happen to have a spare pair of pajamas around would you?"

*'Donna's gonna be in my shower! NAKED!!'*

"No, but I'll find something for you," I replied, trying not to have my voice give me away.

"Okay," she said, trusting my judgment. She closed the door and before I could get past the door to the bedroom, it opened and a pile of clothes and her sneakers were hurled out into the hallway. She closed the door and hollered, "Leave them there. I'll take them down to the laundry room later."

On top of the pile was a bra. I picked it up and read the label; 'JC Penny, All Cotton, 38-DD, wash warm, tumble dry'.

'DD? Donna was a DD?' I'd never have known if I wasn't seeing it in black and white. She always wore bulky clothes to hide them. Of course, the driver tonight got a great look at them, but not me.

Stranger one, me zero.

He got to cop a feel too.

Stranger two, me zip.

She said he drove away happy.

Stranger three, possibly four, me squat.

The sound of the water running in the shower woke me from my mental score keeping and I headed to the bedroom to straighten it, change the sheets and find something for Donna to wear. After fixing the bed, I realized that I didn't really have anything that would fit her other than a pair of jockeys and a tee shirt. I grabbed an oversized dress shirt in case she wanted to wear it on top. I had a robe but Jim had worn that and there was the smell of the Jiffy Pop incident on it. I changed into a tee and a pair of shorts.

"Ralph!" I heard her call through the door.

"Yes?" I answered, leaning against the door to hear.

"Do you have any towels? I didn't notice any on the holder," she shouted as the water continued to run.

She was right, I had washed them all last night and they were still in the hall closet. I grabbed two and knocked. "I have them. Do you want me to leave them outside the door?"

"No, bring them in," she said.

*'Oh my God. Donna is going to be two feet away from me naked!'*

* * *

I felt a closeness to Pop I'd never felt before. He was reacting pretty much the same way I would have. I closed the book wondering if I really needed to read any more. I had a feeling things were going to get a bit smutty and I wasn't sure I was comfortable with that. I know I saw the word 'boobs' further in the story when I was flipping the pages. Well, if my Pop felt it was important enough to write it down and keep it, and I do like boobs...

* * *

"Okay, I'm bringing them in," I said, wanting her to be ready.

The first thing I noticed as I opened the door was that Donna didn't have the shower curtain inside the tub. The second was that there was water all over the floor. The last thing I noticed was that the ceiling needed to be painted as my feet went out from under me and the back of my head slammed against the floor.

---

*'The next thing I remembered was that an Angel was above me. A naked Angel.'*

"Ralph, wake up!"

*'She has straddled me, her face is close to mine and she is gently tapping my face. Her breasts are brushing my chest.'*