Do I Love You?

Dear Kelly,

I know it's been a long time since you last seen me. Last time you and I saw each other was back when you were in 4th grade. Time sure has flew. It's been eight years so you must be a senior now, huh? I know you're probably one of the brightest kids at your school.

I know I left and abandoned you with no explanation. That was wrong of me. I went somewhere far away and decided to stay. I've waited all these years until I felt you were mature enough to understand. You're probably wondering how I got your address and all that. Well, there's Google and other helpful sources.

Anyway, I'm glad I found you. I just want you to know why I left so that you'll have a reason not to hate me. It's okay to hate me, Kelly. I left you alone when you were only a little girl who still needed her mommy. But, I'm sure someone had adopted you and raised you well to get you where you are today.

I want to tell you something. When I do I ask that you do your best to understand why I left you. My mom was a very...friendly woman. She had all these men in and out of the house. I hated it because they always appeared creepy to me. But, there was one man. What is his name? I will not tell you.

They had been together two years at the time, a milestone for her. One summer night she decided to go find company elsewhere for whatever reason. He knew. He knew that she cheated on him often. But he was in love with her, so he chose to ignore it.

He found a friend, alcohol. But that night alcohol wasn't his friend. Liquor caused him to do something that changed my life forever. I was 19 years old, home alone with someone I had got used to calling uncle as he preferred. I don't know what made him do it, but he did.

That night my innocence was taken. It was stolen from me. What I had been saving for the right guy had been broken, invaded. I told my mom. She believed him and kicked me out. I ran away and I never saw her again. Nine months later you were born.

I tried to be happy. I attempted to raise you and be positive. I couldn't do it. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't grow to love you. Every time I looked at you it was a constant reminder of that night. I would have aborted you but that would have been unfair.

No one deserves to not have a chance at life because of what someone did to their mom. You look just like him. Same hair and eye color, and that nose...exactly like his. I couldn't stand looking at you anymore.

Remember back then before I left when you'd tell me you love me and I wouldn't ever say anything back? Well, there's a reason why I didn't say anything back. I had a horrible mom. She treated me like I was her friend. I wasn't even allowed to call her mom.

I was to call her by her name at all times. She prioritized men over me. Always. I know I never told you that I loved you. That's only because I don't want to lie to you and say that I do. Because I don't.

I hate being lied to so I make it a priority to always be honest with people. That includes you.

My mom lied to me but I won't make the mistake of lying to you. My mom told me she love me. She didn't love me. If she did, she wouldn't have allowed me to be violated in my own home.

She lied to me. No one deserves to be lied to.

No one deserves to be raped and assaulted. No little girl should live a sad life. Every child and everyone deserves happiness. He not only took my innocence, but he took my hope. The hope I had convincing me that this world wasn't as horrible as it seems. But it is. And I learned a lesson that day.

Never ever trust anyone. You can't even trust yourself. You never know what someone will and won't say or do to you. I was going to just let you grow up and live your life but I remembered.

You asked me did I love you. So I had to answer your question for once and for all.

Do you understand now darling? How can I possibly love you? I don't even know what love is.