Does "Church Lady" Find Herself?

Note to Reader: My Beloved, Little One is stricken with Alzheimer. "Stricken" is not overly-dramatic, especially when it happens to one who has lived with so much vitality and intensity. Of course, everyone connected to the person so afflicted, also "has it" to some degree and we struggle too.

My reasons for scribbling these words together are tri-fold. In her deepest, inner self, I know that the woman I love so dearly is still here with us. She is, the heroine of my life and of this story!

Those of us who are compelled to honor and "give form" to feelings, ideas, dreams, accomplishments, etc., naturally turn to words, to help ourselves and others, "to get it".

My fervent hope is that these words will "give form and life" to Master's Little One and the gift we have been for each other. This is also a gift to you, Dear Reader. Thank you for being here with us!

Their "playtime" (facing extra large mirrors in their bedroom) has become so intense, that they do not hear the doorbell at first. Finally, Master greatly peeved, puts on enough clothes to be presentable. His annoyance is quickly replaced with a sense, that a delightful opportunity is presenting itself. Two very attractive women are asking to make a "home visitation" on behalf of their church.

He sits them very close to each other at the snack bar, both facing towards the hall. "Little One, come meet our guests." She accepts very easily, that Master expects her to present herself, as she was dressed when he left her.

He positions himself between the ladies and the hall, so they cannot see her until he allows them to. He feels her closeness to his body, but no one says anything or moves. As he senses that the ladies' curiosity "is killing them", he slides one step over to the end of the bar. Little One is wearing really classy white, linen shorts and two brightly colored push pins, embedded to the hilt, in each tit.

Master allows the ladies to get some air back into their lungs before he sits Little One directly across from them. The one in her mid-twenties finally gets her voice back and just explodes, "both of you are so UNGODLY! This man is causing you pain on purpose!" The one in her early forties is simply unable to look up. She is clearly, wishing she was anywhere else, but right here!

Another long, highly volatile pause - the air is crackling with emotional and electrical energy!

They have naturally developed their own code (unspoken language) but Little One chooses to be very formal. She keeps her head lowered and raising a hand to shoulder level, waits to be acknowledged.

Master waits (also for the effect) so the ladies can deepen their impression of the nature of their relationship. "Yes?"

"Master, may Your Little One, speak freely, to our guests?"

Another pause - "yes". She is normally so centered and tranquil, on the outside. Master knows intimately, the white-hot inferno of intensity that burns within her soul! He is truly "built" to respond with so much love and admiration for His Little One's, true self!

"Ladies I, was the original, "church lady". I did all of the roles a woman can do there. Plus, I have done ALL of the other roles, both of you are now doing. The daughter, wife, mother, employee, etc., etc. roles. "Done it all"! I promise!

Look, I have lived almost as long as both of you combined. The deepest, soul-killing "pain" of my entire life, up to that time, was when I was struck with the reality, that I was INVISIBLE and UN-known, to the people who I depended on to love me. Truly, love me! I was so desperate, to be really known and loved! But, I was finally forced to admit to myself, that I simply, was NOT!

I believed at the time, I was really "at the end of my rope". So, I tied a knot and tried even harder, to play my roles, so I could "feel good" about myself and receive from others, what I needed.

For example, I "studied", with the same intensity that I created a near "A" average in my degrees, how to be a better sexual partner for my ex-husband. I dedicated myself to reading, fantasizing about and practicing, as well as I could by myself, what I was discovering. I was so excited, about what he and I would share, in our "new life" together! Compared to missionary that he "initiated" three times a year on our birthdays and anniversary, the only way for us to go, was up. Right? Wrong!

Anyway, I discovered in my play-acting by myself, that I really crave, I mean really, need to be submissive and be dominated, sexually. So, one night I suggested "maybe you could spank me". Holy Shit, the church deacon went ballistic! If he had taken and used me, frequently with that much passion and fire, we might even have made it.

Did I ever, get a sermon about how sinful I was! It was so disgraceful that his wife and the mother of their daughters, would even think that way! "I don't know you - who are you? Really? We've been married nearly 30 years, for heaven's sake! How, when did you become so depraved?"

When he finished "preaching and ranting" he spent that and several more nights, away from me. His rejection, was real "pain" and he definitely, did it "on purpose". NOT because he loved me!

Ah, but "on-the-surface" though - we were still the model people and couple! Active everywhere -church, civic clubs, Home Owners' Association, etc. and as "respected professionals", too. You know, the "whole, for-show thing"! Active everywhere except, at home. There, he and I both, made Siberia feel like the Tropics.

Would you believe this? I finally got to where I was so starving for affection and warmth again, that I schemed to share more of what I had discovered with him. I greeted him at the door one evening wearing nothing, except a "fuck me", any-way-you-want, smile. He absolutely, "just lost it"! And not in the healthy way I was craving. I was convinced the fool would give himself a heart attack or a stroke!

Of course, he went back to sleeping by himself. The next night he called our married daughters to tell them "everything". Everything, do you hear me? By the end of the week, he was filing for divorce and on his lawyer's advice, moved out.

The break-up of a family is not what any of us, allows ourselves to consider at the beginning. Our marriage was absolutely, killing me! So, I may not even be still living, if he and I were still "into our roles."

Honestly, our relationship was not really healthy for him or for he and I with our daughters, either. We all did the best that we could "playing our parts" but that was so severely limited and in many ways, even toxic. NONE, of us knew how to "be ourselves"! Beyond our roles, we didn't have a clue about who we were. NADA!

In the necessary "re-inventing" of myself, by myself, this time as compared to being a young bride all those years and miles before, I had a much clearer sense and deeper acceptance, of MY BEING! WHO I, AM! What I NEED and what I can GIVE!

Ladies, please consider what this "fellow traveler" and "sister" is sharing with you. I offer you this with a a deep appreciation of where you are, in your own lives, Right Now. Please remember, I have been, where you are. Virtually all of the same roles you are playing.

I have "lived plain vanilla" as much as anyone, believe me. Only missionary, only 3 times a year and only, in complete darkness! Come-on, give-me-a-break!

Relationships can be very life-giving OR death-dealing. OR, much more likely, somewhere else "in the middle", you know, a "mixture".

A key, is that the deeper our relationship with our "core selves" is, the more capable we are of identifying those other people that we can create healthy relationships with. If the compatibility is not "built-in" from the beginning - it's "fool's gold" to expect very much.

AH, but when our core selves, "click" and mesh, LIFE IS JUST THE BEST! Those relationships and if we are especially blessed, to create our lives "together-together", lifts us and helps us to discover and manifest, who we truly are.

Thank you for listening to "my sermon." Little One bowed her head and was silent.

Somehow, the older woman knew instinctively, that Little One had very consciously, surrendered her freedom to speak freely, back to her master. So in obedience, she would not presume to answer the burning question the woman was reeling with.

"Sir, what does it mean, "lived plain vanilla?"

"My Little One has absolutely, the most delightful insight and explanation that I've ever heard! My Little One, share this gift with the ladies".

"Well, plain vanilla is the ice cream flavor that most parents start off very young children with. Some people are so rigid that they forever, refuse to try any other flavor. Others reluctantly experiment but revert back to vanilla because "that's the way I've always, done it".

Some discover that there are hundreds of brands - they hope they live long enough to experience all the flavors.

Some are more discerning and have a clearer sense of what is likely to be a good fit with their preferences. They are open-minded enough to have tried some varieties and generally, look for what "seems to fit."

Now, people's sexual behaviors are much like our attitudes and behaviors, with ice cream flavors. Everyone we know sexual behaviors', fits in one of those groups. And, all the groups have someone in them. Right?" All four of them laughed - couldn't help it, the insights, "rang true."

"Here's something really critical to understand. As an example, my plain vanilla sexual behavior with my ex- and even before him, was NOT my sexuality! Was NOT the real me! The only way to be realized is to choose our behaviors from a place of knowing who WE ARE! It's a process and none of us "are finished yet."

Anyway, as I became more and more miserable living in an emotional desert with my ex-, I began to seek out water to sustain my life. In fact, that's exactly the reason he divorced me. As much as his rejection of who I am hurt, I see now so clearly, that he freed me to live out of, who I AM!

When I was free enough to be compatible with Him, I attracted My Wonderful Master. He embraced me where I was, both frail and strong, both very confused and very determined to discover myself! He is so loving and dedicated in leading us, to how we want to BE and want to live!

Little One bowed her head and was silent.

Next chapter: 4 People Dealing With Push Pins