Doing the "Okie Pookie" Ch. 01

I recently got one of those "state" emails. You know the ones; They all begin with, "you know you are [insert your state name and appropriate ending] if:" Now, for a person who lives in these states, your state, they are pretty funny and for the most part true.

Well, now that I have moved to and from Oklahoma, (where the wind comes whipping down the plains) my friends here seem to think that I have adjusted pretty well, and thought that I should now be included into the email state rounds since, so it seems, I've become an "okie." And I say this with sarcasm and an eye roll.

Moving on, after reading this said email, I decided to fight, deny and make fun of my current state (and I consider Oklahoma a place to live, not where I am home) and add my own tidbits and thoughts in order to lighten up and defy my place here as an okie.

I'm going to break this up into a few posts so as not to overload the senses (or make you die from laughter) so I'm going to post a few at a time...

(PS: Please don't send me hate mail...I lived in OK so I make fun of myself too!)

DOING THE OKIE POOKIE

1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah, and Chickasha.

Supposedly, these are cities/towns here in Oklahoma. I think they are small, inbred towns, and have maybe a stop sign or a flashing red light. Furthermore, not only can I not pronounce these towns, I don't think I would want to live in them. To me, these sound like foreign side dishes that people would eat at Christmas, a special occasion or a sacrifice to the crop gods.

2. You think that people who complain about the wind in their states are sissies.

I've come to the conclusion that the saying, "Oklahoma! Where the wind comes whipping down the plains" was coined for a reason. In my defense, I have seen the movie (as part of my mother's want for me to have "culture") and I have heard rumor that children, starting in kindergarten, are forced to watch this musical every year in school. However, the other rumor is that they have never done a school play with the same title. They usually stick with "Chicago". (Although, I don't think the wind is much better there). I swear if I hear another person quote a line from that movie, I will throw up all over them.

Where's your wind now, bitch?

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel.

This seems to be a serious thing. People actually compare stories on how many funnels they have seen in their lives here. I mean, do they remember what happened to Dorothy? Me, I gather my water, flashlights, batteries, first aid kit, radio, flares, homing device, BC vest (incase of a flood), sugar pills in case of shock, alcohol swabs and my pop tarts and head to my fallout shelter and use my charged cell phone to call my mother, best friend and sister to tell them good bye. There is no place like home, there is no place like home.

4. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.

When I think of a sack, I don't normally think of something that you would put something else into. When I think of a sack, I think of the fleshy, malleable soft skin of the underside of the male member. This is a sack. A nut sack. Something to be licked, sucked and fondled during foreplay and sex. Wow, is it getting hot in here?

5. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

First of all, bib overalls, in any capacity should be outlawed. There is no reason why anyone over the age of 4 should be wearing these things. I see them on grown women sometimes and they think they look "cute". Its like a grown-up version of Osh-gosh-be-gosh complete with braided hair and Mary Jane shoes. These overalls are really the most un-attractive thing on women. Please don't embarrass yourself or the person who is with you.

6. It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.

The only famous person I have known of who died in a plane crash was Amelia Earhart. Supposedly, there is this guy named Will Rogers that died in a plane crash here in Oklahoma. Why this doesn't bother the people who live here is beyond me. Who is he really? Is he related to Roy? He makes a mean roast beef sandwich.

7. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean

First off, there is nothing like an Ocean. The smell of salt, the wind, the food. Even those seagulls who will, literally, pluck an eye from your socket if you don't toss them a French fry are all apart of the experience. The lake has no waves, no tide no nothing...not to mention, if you pee in the lake, there is always that fear that the city added that color changing stuff and everyone will know you did it.