Don't Ever Look Back Ch. 03

Changes that occur between people in relationships usually occur over a long period of time. In my case, my entire world had changed in a few short weeks destroying a perception that had been built since childhood. Worse still, I had instigated the events unable to let old situations remain distant memories.

I recalled our breakfast that morning and her being in her normal upbeat way giving not a hint of her indiscretions. It angered me to know that she could so cavalierly violate our vows with no guilt. I had never touched Sarah in anger in our entire time together but at that moment I knew that if she was before me I could not keep myself from striking her.

As I sat there contemplating the new reality, spinning between anger and my own remorse for opening Pandora's Box, I wondered what life was going to be like from now on. Could I stay with her? Did she want to stay with me? Would Malcolm leave our world now that he had taken her again or was this a situation soon to be filled with drama? And what about our children? What would they think about their blessed mom if they knew the truth?

I arrived home before Sarah that evening and was sipping bourbon on the patio when she got home bright eyes and smiling. I couldn't help but think she was still basking in the afterglow of the hard fucking she had received the previous night.

"Hi honey. I'm going to get a glass of wine do you want another drink?' Sarah said smiling.

"Sure, it's bourbon." I replied seething inside but forcing myself to put on a good face.

Sarah fixed the drinks then came out to the patio having shed her shoes and sat opposite me putting her feet in my lap.

"Let's go out to eat tonight. I heard the new French place on Holcombe is good." Sarah suggested. "Are you okay?" She followed when her word only resulted in a disinterested nod from me.

"I'm fine. Just a bit tired." I lied.

"Okay, can we go? We can go early." She persisted.

"That's fine." I replied.

Sarah chatted and I listened while she drank her wine then she announced she was going to change and left. I sat brooding for a few more minutes then, the thought of her body bearing the marks of Malcolm's sex, piqued my interest and I walked towards our bedroom hoping to see some evidence.

Our bedroom has "his and her" bathrooms with her large clothes closet within. As I approached, I could see that the door was not completely closed. There was about a quarter inch crack that provided a nice opportunity to spy if I was careful. I opened the door to my bathroom quietly to provide an escape path if necessary then inched quietly to the door peering inside.

Sarah was sitting in front of her mirror in just a thong playing with her makeup. As the video had suggested, her breasts were covered in hickeys from Malcolm's sucking. She didn't seem to be concerned and I put it down to the fact that I had almost never entered her bathroom in all our years of marriage treating it almost like her sanctuary.

Soon, she stood and went into her closet then reappeared completely naked. I caught my breath to stifle a gasp when I saw her pelvis. Sarah had adopted the fashion of shaving herself smooth so I had a good view. She had bruises on the inside of her thighs and her labia, which had before looked like a teenagers even after two kids, was red and swollen. Standing in front of me was all the evidence I needed to prove her infidelity.

Rather than confront, I started to change my clothes deciding to put any confrontation off until I had thought the matter through. I was finished and in the den having another drink when Sarah finished changing and primping. As usual, she looked stunning and I wondered what my life would be like with her gone.

The dinner was good but I barely noticed and was a lousy conversationalist which Sarah picked up on quickly. Instead of chatting, my time was spent knocking back the better part of a good Chateauneuf du pape. In fact, Sarah, realizing how much I had to drink, drove us home.

Back in our house, I opened a bottle of Cabernet and poured myself another big glass.

"Sweetheart, are you okay? You're barely talking and drinking a lot. Way more than normal. What's wrong?" She asked still oblivious to the reason.

"Why don't you do a striptease foe me?" I said to her as I flopped down in a big leather chair and I saw in her eyes a moment of panic from which she quickly recovered.

"I don't think you would be up to it tonight." She responded.

"Come on darling strip for me. Turn on the jazz station." I said now a bit more demanding.

"Not tonight honey. I'm not feeling that great. I think I got some bad food at the restaurant." She replied now clearly lying.

"Sarah. Strip." I demanded.

Sarah looked at me with an odd expression and a sense of knowing yet bewilderment on how I would know. After a few moments, she tried to break the tension by walking away.

"You can either strip or I'll tear them off you." I said as she turned her back to me.

"What is going on with you?" She said her voice now rising.

It was definitely out of character for me to treat her this way but my anger and the alcohol had combined and I was not going to back down.

"I want to see you standing in front of me naked so get those clothes off." I said sternly.

"I'm leaving. You've gone crazy and I don't want to be here." She exclaimed and went to pick up her purse.

"Sarah, if you want to remain married you better take off those clothes." I said to her with an air of calm and confidence that surprised me.

Sarah looked at me with tears welling in her eyes and her lips quivering. There was a long period of silence as we stared in each other's eyes. Going through my mind were all the times together dating back to childhood that now might be ending right before me and it felt as if my heart was being shredded by some unseen beast.

"I can't." She finally answered now crying her eyes begging for sympathy.

"Take them off." I replied offering no alternative.

"How do you know." She said her hand reaching at the button of her blouse but shaking too hard to release it.

"Get them off." I had never been this forceful with Sarah in my life and her humiliation was paining in me but my feelings of betrayal were even stronger.

Slowly, piece by piece, she shed her clothes. First was her blouse followed by her skirt and then her bra and thong until she was completely nude. Her tears had caused her mascara to run down her cheeks and her body was heaving in convulsions as she sobbed.

Of course, I knew what I was going to see and she knew that her body told the story of her adultery.

"I'm sorry." She gasped out between sobs.

I sat there without speaking wanting to humiliate her and have her feel the pain I was feeling but deep inside she was still my baby, the love of my life, and the sight of her pain got to me.

"Sit down." I said to her which she immediately did providing her some measure of modesty.

"Now tell me about it." I commanded her.

It took her almost an hour between her breakdowns to cry but eventually the whole story came out. To her credit, she was honest and inclusive of the details going back to college and ending on the previous day. That is, except for the pregnancy.

"Are you going to leave me?" She said when she had run out of tears.

"Are you in love with him?" I asked sincerely.

"No, of course not. It was just a fling." She replied and her points for honesty quickly vanished.

"Do you want to be married to me?" I asked and even in my drunken and angered state I hoped that she would say yes.

"Yes, of course." She replied instantaneously which caused me great relief despite her indiscretions.

"Then go to bed Sarah. We can finish the conversation tomorrow." I told her.

"Please come to bed with me. I need you next to me." She pleaded.

"No, I don't want to. I'll be up later." I said to her and she was wise enough not to argue but gathered her things and left looking at me over her shoulder as she walked away.

Despite her affair and the video I was actually feeling pretty good about things. I poured myself another drink and switched on the jazz station I liked and settled back in the leather chair.

I was sipping my drink when the radio started hissing and cracking in a familiar way. It was the sound it made when someone texted with their Blackberry. I knew immediately that she was reaching out to Malcolm and my stomach sank.

The next few days were very tense as you would expect. Sarah was quiet and mostly avoided eye contact. On the few occasions we locked eyes, I could see the pain and longing in her eyes and knew she was hoping I would reach out. My psyche had been badly damaged and I refused to engage with her and instead stayed silent both with my words and my body language.

Malcolm tried repeatedly to call and at first I ignored him but I realized that if he told Sarah that we had been in contact our marriage, or what was left of it, would be over. I had to take the call but it was very difficult.

"Meet me at the bar at 5:30 PM." He quickly said then hung up.

He was there when I walked in and I walked to the table. The waitress met me one I got there and after ordering beers he started.

"I hear you decided to cause a scene, asshole." He spit out as soon as I answered.

"I want you to just disappear from our life. Can't you just do that?" I pleaded to him.

"No, I fucking can't do that. I like that pussy too damn much. You're the one that got this all started and you better be thinking what the hell you are going to do if I tell her that." He said explaining to me that he knew he held the power.

The look on my face told him all he needed to know and I sat there for several long moments searching for words before he spoke again.

"You know you're fucked if she finds out. What do you think she would do? Walk out on you maybe?" He said taunting me.

"What do you want? How does this end?" I finally said.

"I think I should get some more of her for a time. Till it gets old which usually doesn't take too long for me." He said laughing.

We had to pause while the waitress set the bottles and I paid.

"This is a nightmare. I can't have you seeing Sarah. God don't you realize how bad this is?" I pleaded almost in tears.

"You got no choice. I can fuck her or I can tell her what you did. Hell I might still get to fuck her." Was his reply showing I had no hope of finding any sympathy.

"Well then I'll just tell her the truth and take my chances." I said standing and leaving while he smirked.

Driving home I bounced between the relief that truth provides and the fear of her reaction at my actions. Sarah was there when I arrived and when I got close I could see she had been crying.

"I'm so sorry at what I've done. I'm so sorry. Tell me what to do to make things right? I'll do anything." She said breaking down in tears as she spoke.

I couldn't say anything now to explain it had all been my fault. The potential consequences were much too high so I stood there silently trying to find some words, something to say, to deflate her emotions while I tried to find a solution. Sarah took my silence as anger and judgment and began crying harder.

"Sarah, we all make mistakes. I need some time to think it through. Calm down. Things will work out." I said choosing my words as best I could.

Sarah, still crying, embraced me and I pulled my head into my shoulder as she sobbed. All our lives, any pain she suffered seemed to transfer to me a hundred times fold and my knees actually got weak as we stood there.

The next day Malcolm called wanting to know how the discussion had gone.

"So I can call her now and she knows everything, right?" He said immediately starting on me.

"I haven't told her yet." I replied.

"Man, you are so fucked. If you don't tell her by the end of today then I will and I have the emails and texts as proof." He said laughing hard.

"You can't do that now. It will ruin our marriage." I said immediately realizing my words were pointless.

"Then fix the problem, asshole." He said now with an edge to his voice.

"By doing what?" I yelled into the phone.

"Whatever it takes. But she better be fucking me by this weekend." He said and hung up.

After the call, I left work and went to the bar and spent the afternoon drinking and thinking. A hundred ideas came to me all quickly discarded. I knew I was checkmated and I knew that Malcolm realized it too. When I left the bar to go home I had prepared myself for the hardest conversation I would probably ever have in my life.

Sarah had the table set with candles and was clearly trying to set a romantic mood. Her efforts were only going to make my conversation even more difficult. I sat and picked up the glass of wine she had poured while she busied herself with the final dinner preparations.

"I broiled salmon. Hope that's okay." She called from the kitchen.

"Sounds great" I said with false enthusiasm.

We had insignificant chit chat as she brought out the food and sat down. There was a definite tension in the air made more acute by the subject I had to bring up. Several times I started only to get cold feet and stop but finally with a drink of wine and a shudder I started.

"Sarah, I really would like to know about the guy. Why he was appealing." I forced out.

I could see she was unprepared for this conversation.

"What do you mean? I explained how I knew him." She answered with true confusion.

"I mean the sex. Was it different?" I asked forcing myself not to break eye contact.

There was a long pause and I thought for a moment that she wasn't going to answer but she finally spoke.

"It's different between a husband and wife. More caring." She explained.

"Meaning with him it's more passionate?" I said almost losing my temper.

"That's not what I said." She replied.

"But you enjoyed it?" I asked.

"Yes, I enjoyed it." She said after another long pause while looking at her hands.

"And if I wouldn't have found out you would still be seeing him." Which was a statement not a question.

"I love you not him." She answered.

"That's not what I said." I shot back.

"Perhaps. I don't know." She answered now getting flustered.

I let the conversation lapse for several minutes and Sarah was happy to let it drop too. We picked at our food silently while I summoned my courage.

"I want you to keep seeing him." I finally said.

The look on Sarah's face was equal parts shock and confusion.

"I don't understand." She replied.

"I want you to keep him as a lover." I answered wondering whether she would get angry.

"I don't want him I want you." She quickly said.

"I'm not asking you to choose. You can have both." I explained.

"Why? Are you trying to set me up for a divorce? Please tell me you don't want that." She asked starting to tear up.

"No, not at all. I want you to explore your sexuality I guess is what I mean." I said to her thinking for some rationale that would sell since I couldn't tell the truth.

She didn't reply and it seemed like five minutes passed before she spoke.

"You don't love me anymore, do you? She asked with sad eyes.

"Of course I love you. This is for you." I said to her trying to be upbeat.

"I don't know honey this is all very odd." She replied.

"Do you have his number in your cell phone?" I asked changing tactics.

"Yes." She answered with shame.

"Give me your phone." I demanded and she reluctantly handed it over.

I hit the entry for Malcolm and after three rings he answered.

"Hi baby, couldn't stay away?" He said thinking it was Sarah.

"Malcolm, this is Sarah's husband." I informed him then went on to suggest he come over so we could all talk about the situation. Malcolm picked up on where I was going and immediately agreed.

"Please don't start a fight." She said unaware of the true nature of events.

"I promise I won't. I want us to talk about this though." I explained.

Twenty minutes later the door bell rang and standing there was Malcolm. With a wink, he extended his hand and we pretended to meet each other while Sarah stood several steps back. Malcolm stepped forward and kissed Sarah on the hand. I asked him what he wanted to drink and five minutes later we were sitting in the living room, Sarah and I drinking wine and Malcolm drinking bourbon. Malcolm and I were sitting in large leather chairs near to each other and Sarah has selected a chair across the room.

"Well I guess you might find it strange that I would request you to come over?" I said to break the ice.

"Well it is interesting." He replied letting me keep the lead.

"What do you think of Sarah?" I asked.

"Beautiful lady who is very special." He answered without hesitation and even in the dim light I could see Sarah blush.

"What would you say if I told you I gave her permission to continue the relationship with you?" I asked.

"I would say you're a wise man who loves his wife dearly." He said a smile crossing his face. "What was her answer? Does she want to continue?" Malcolm continued before anyone could speak.

Both of us turned to look at Sarah who became very nervous darting her eyes between us and the floor.

"I..I'm not sure" she stammered.

"Why, baby." Malcolm asked in a familiar way that made me cringe.

"It's too complicated." She answered after a brief hesitation.

"It won't be complicated. You can meet periodically. All I ask is that you meet in our home so I know it's safe and that you use protection." I informed them.

I could see Malcolm frown for a second when I described the rules but he said nothing. All eyes were on Sarah who continued to fidget.

"I'm going to my study to do some work." I announced after several moments of silence.

As I stood to leave, glancing one way I could see Malcolm hiding a grin and in the other direction Sarah with a look of fear. I left the room and went to my study and sat staring at the blank computer screen trying to give myself solace that I had no other choice.

When you are intent on listening for something, silence can be unnerving. You don't know what meaning it might connote. My concentration was quickly broken when Sarah appeared in the doorway.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" She asked. I knew she was giving me one last chance call stop.

"Yes, sweetheart. It is." I said forcing a smile.

When she turned to leave I bit my lip to stop the tears from starting.

Twenty minutes of silence passed while I sat at my desk. I fought with myself over knowing or not wanting to know. Eventually, I knew which side would win and with the rationalization of "checking on her safety" I quietly went down the hall and peered into the living rooms from the shadows.

Malcolm and Sarah were sitting on the couch kissing passionately. Sarah still had her clothes on from work which consisted of a white blouse and a navy knee length skirt. She also had on the pearls I had given her for our 20th anniversary. I was surprised Malcolm hadn't been more aggressive, especially based on the activities in the video, but watching I sensed his intent was to be patient and seduce.

He kissed her tenderly on her ears, neck and lips while massaging her neck and shoulders. I could tell he was whispering to her but couldn't make out the words but his actions were causing her to emit soft purring sounds.

He played her slow until she couldn't take it anymore and took the initiative unbuttoning his shirt and rubbing her hands over his large chest. I could see her squirming on the couch next to him pushing her chest against him trying to get him to touch. He ignored this and continued the soft kisses and caresses until she finally stood and pulled him up with her hand. He kissed her again before she broke away and went towards our bedroom coming back quickly with condoms in her hand that she showed to him before leading him towards the guest bedroom at the far end of the house.