Don't Piss Off Lou: She!

As he was speakin' the damnedest thing happened. Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke, and Lou was standing in court, right in front of my table. But he wasn't lookin' at me. He was lookin' at Lily. And if looks could kill...

"Lillith, YOU BITCH!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE. HOW DID YOU ESCAPE???" he kinda exploded at her.

As he spoke, his looks started to change. He started getting' a whole lot bigger, and his skin was turnin' a kinda dark red, he was so angry. His glasses fell off, and his chest and arms got, you know, all buff like. His shirt was tearin' right off his body, like he was the Hulk or somethin'. Hey, what can I say — if it weren't for that damn BO, I mighta bin able to see myself with THIS Lou.

To my surprise and eternal admiration, Lily looked at Lou and she jest laughed her silly head off! When she could finally talk again, she looked him in the eye and said,

"Lou, we're not here to answer your damn fool questions. We are getting' a change a venue in Janey's little divorce action, so that you and that wimp husband of hers, Dick, won't be botherin' her again. And aren't you in violation of the restraining order, honey?" She said that last thing real sweet like, but it didn't seem to cool Lou off none.

"You want a CHANGE OF VENUE, I'll GIVE YOU A CHANGE OF VENUE!"

There was another one of those PUFF things, with a bunch of damned smelly smoke, and when it cleared up enough to look around, it was like we were on an island in a lake of fire. Smoke, flames — it was terrible. I wondered what part of El Paso we were in now?

I looked at J.W. and saw that he was shakin' like a leaf. Then he pointed up to the man behind the bench, where Bubba Malhomme had been sitting.

"Holyyyyy shit, Lily! That there is Judge Roy Bean. We are in a heap o' trouble." he screamed.

I wasn't sure, but I think that for a minute there, J.W. had lost control. He smelled like shit.

But in a flash, Lily jumped up in front of us. Where did she get those wings? And they matched her eyes and nails. How can a gal be so color coordinated all the time? I jest envy that gal's sense of taste.

"I object! This is not a neutral setting. We demand a reasonable venue, with a neutral judge. I invoke my rights, even as a fallen angel!" she shouted to the sky.

"Lily," I could hear the ol' geezer, Roy Bean, say, "jest set your little behind down, and let me pronounce the sentence...Hang 'em, hang 'em all!"

Jest as sudden as we had got there, we were somewhere else. It was a cool room, mostly white, real clean. Up at the front behind the bench was a calm lookin' fellow. His face didn't really show any emotion. In front of him was a small placard that read, "Hon. A.A. Michael." For some reason, I suddenly felt like I had a real chance.

J.W. took a moment and regained some of his poise, and at Judge Michael's direction, he showed him our case. A couple of times, the Judge, he interrupted long enough to look at Dick and Lou, and ask if the particulars we presented was true. They looked like a couple o' little boys caught with their hands in the cookie jar, but they had to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothin' but the truth, so he'p 'em. Judge Michael would look over to Lou, sittin' there real quiet like again, with his glasses and round face, and ever now an' again say,

"Lou, Lou, Lou. You should know better by now."

It didn't take hardy no time to finish the case, since Dick and Lou didn't have a real defense. So when Judge Michael ruled in my favor, no one was't surprised. He gave me the house, our savin's, 75% of Dick's share of the bidness, and granted the divorce. I was free again, and I was up to my eyeballs in money!

Then Michael turned to Lou and tolt him,

"Lou, since Jane is getting 75 cent of every dollar Dick earns, he will not get what you promised him in exchange for his soul. So sorry, ol' scratch, you lose this one. For now. Better luck next time!" Then suddenly we were back, standin' in front of the county court house.

J.W. shook my hand, and shook his head.

"Jane," he said, "if you ever need a lawyer again, please don't think of me. Lordy, I don't care how much I can bill ya, I don't think my heart could take another case like yours." He gave a brief wave to Lily, and left, kinda staggerin' back to his car. I swear, the back of his pants WERE wet!

Across the steps I could see Lily, and she was talkin' t' Lou, real serious like.

"Oh. come on Lou, its been 25 centuries, for gawd's sake, get over him. I never loved him, it was just the sex — and he was never as good as you! It was just one time, a mistake!" she was almost beggin'.

"No, Lillith. You broke my heart, you destroyed my soul. Wellll...I guess you didn't destroy my soul, but it felt like you had. You made me look like a fool in front of the legions of hell! I'm just not ready to forgive and forget just yet!" he said, his chin pointed up. Lou must read those damn Lovin' Wives storys. No other explanation for his bein' so unreasonable.

"Jesus," swore Lily, "once you piss off Lou, he just don't give it up!" Then she got a big smile on her face, and took me by the arm. "Oh, hell with him. Lets go have us some fun!"

And that's what we did. That night we ran into the boys from the U.T. football team. You ever wondered how they managed that National Championship? Well, me and Lily did everthin' we could to he'p keep up their morale that season. Go Longhorns!

Now I don't want you to think that I forgot about Dick. Y'all know that after 10 good years, ya don't jest give up a man overnight. But he had that new tool of his, and I wasn't going to put up with him foolin' around on me anymore! Lily tolt me she could give me a hand with Dick.

It seems, that Lily couldn't reverse what Lou had given Dick, but she could mess around with it a little. So, even though his Johnson was a great big husky ol' thing, ever time he tried to use it on some other woman, it just went soft. Viagra didn't he'p him, and it didn't matter, even if she tried to suck it, it was just limp. For three months or so, just about as long as he had been fooling around on me before the divorce, he had been dating his hand a lot, 'cause his desire didn't go away, he just couldn't get it up with another woman.

So 'bout then he shows up on my doorstep one night, askin' if he can talk with me.

"Jane," he was pleading, "you know I was only actin' like that because I was under Lou's spell. I couldn't he'p it. Please, think about takin' me back! I'll do anything to prove myself to ya. Ya know how ya always wanted me to lick ya back there, ya know what I mean. I'll do it. Y'all still want me to suck on yer toes for ya. Damn, I'd be heppy to."

So my life with Dick started again. I just couldn't resist that new tool of his! But I keep him on a short leash, and I still see Lily on a regular basis. And anytime I need to get Dick back on the straight and narrow — I jest ask Lily to come over. She takes one look at Dick, an' he jest starts to quiver and shake.

Like the feller said, don't piss off Lou, but you REALLY don't wanta piss of Lillith!

Author's Afterword,

Y'all notice that in this story, Lily and I DIDN'T send Hillary and Madonna to hell — so you can stop the pissin' and moanin'. We did get together with Ann Coulter, and had a hell of a good time with her. What a party animal! I gotta git Lily to sit a spell with her and talk about her eye makeup, though.

All you Aggies out there. I didn't mean a word I said about A&M. I'm sure its a fine school. It jest ain't U.T. Austin.

And you Longhorns, don't you git too puffed up. Jest to let you know who I follow, let's jest say that we were not 'tall pleased with that one-man team named Vince Evans at the Rose Bowl a few years back.

And for all of you "Revenge", "Never Take Her Back", "She's Nothing but a Whore" shit fellers. Well, Lou still ain't took Lily back after 25,000 years! That enough for ya? Damn, I bet Lily wishes she was perfect like y'all.

Special thanks to Dan Rather fer always sayin' those stupid phrases to show y'all that he still had his Texas roots. Bullshit! Jest another damnyankee New Yorker!

And gawd only knows I don't need NO shit about my Texas writing. Y'all jest cut me a break, or I'm sendin' Lily after ya!

Luv, to all y'all,

Jane