Doppelgängaftagley

Eight years ago he turned down the National Geographic Magazine. Fearing that any publicity would eventually result in losing our property to anti-hunting conservationists and other land stealing scum.

I think the quote he has in mind is: "When Parliament sits, no man's property or life are safe!"

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It Is Not Who You Know, It is Who You are Willing To Fuck

As for that National Heritage designation? It is a comedically sordid bit of historical frolicking as to how the Tannery lineage earned that.

We have a Special Standing Parliamentarian Dispensation, reaffirmed sext-annually since 1848. When this was part of a much larger Crown estate. Protecting this specific piece of land from any inheritance taxes or other forms of assumption or disentailment.

Meaning we cannot sell or even borrow on our patrimony. Truthfully, it is useless for any other usage but shooting and fishing.

If I have the scandals in correct order.

My Great-great-great-great grandmother's journals (stolen and sold by a disgruntled servant in 1927, to the Daily Mail) listed a number of notable affairs she'd had. Including fucking Prime Minister Johnny Russell-terrier in the newly built cottage soon after my family purchased the surrounding property and title of Baron from the Crown.

I have no idea why Dear Vicky was so generous but She must have had Her reasons? If there was any record of how those ancestral Tannery's influenced the old girl when She was still a spritely chit. That entry had been burned without any copies.

However, let slip one's imagination and to my lubricious mind comes the image of a Queening-stool. Or, dare I suggest? I dare! I dare! A Smother-box?

Was She a naughty Crown Princess?

My Great-great-great grandmother achieved notoriety fucking Randy Eddy, Prince of Wales during several grouse shoots. There is a unconfirmed legend, that the two of them were alone in a shooting blind. He was standing, potting wildly away at whatever the strikers flushed out of the bracken while granny was giving him a blowjob.

When he blew his load, his shotgun dipped and reflexively he pulled the trigger. At least a couple of birdshot hit his visiting cousin Prince Hohenzollern in the arse. Considering the history that followed, I doubt if the Kraut ever forgave Saxe-Coburg.

My Great-great grandmother fucked Ernest George, to be the V, in this cottage. He is alleged to have quipped "That he'd stayed for the fishing but came for the sporting." Considering the previous generation, I've always wondered if their relationship would qualify as incest?

My Great grandmother claims in her diary that she gave up her (newlywed?) eighteen year old virginity fucking Prime Minister Ramsay MacDonald.

I have read the heated arguments between historians as to the believability of her claim. However, there does exist public records that the PM had visited the area within the right dates. For a clandestine meeting with West Country political leaders about some scandal or another within the local Labour Party.

Greatmama was wed at this time. And the corker being, her first child, my grandfather, would eventually finish growing, topping out four hands taller than his da and grandda and all his brothers and sisters. With a lot more hair on his head.

That year, there had been an attempt by Radical Labour backbenchers to put through a bill that would have overturned all the Parliamentarian Dispensations. And that it was MacDonald's faction that got the motion tabled until forgotten.

It's just that, well dammit! Labour Party? Really? Having anything to do with my relations? Now that tis scandalous!

The Tannery's have been proud Tories since we built our first 'Satanic Mill'. Despoiling our first river with pollutives and the bodies of under-paid starving child laborers.

So what are you complaining about now? Really? At least we didn't just toss them into the rendering vats as do the other Tory factory owners.

If you didn't want to know what goes into your cooking lard or fancy perfumed handsoaps, you shouldn't of asked!

My Grandmum was in the tabloids (after her death in an boating accident with Lord Mountbatten at the helm) supposedly for fucking President Kennedy at our cottage. In a DP with Prime Minister Harold Macmillan.

An American Paddy? Again! Really? As if an illegitimate Jock hadn't been bad enough! At least Harry was a Conservative. Talk about your odd bedfellows!

Though, you have to wonder. Harry and Jack and Grammy. Who was fore and who was aft? Did ever the twain meet?

Finally to date. In her cups, my own Mumsy proudly claims she had fucked THE 'M' here.

So you understand the historical value of safeguarding this proud legacy of the Tannery men as pimps to Royalty and Leader's of State.

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Irresponsible Is As Irresponsible Does

For those desperate women who are hoping to pry me loose from my failing marriage as they bail out of their own failing marriages. With romantic delusions of us running off together into the fabled sunset.

I just had a thought. On a philosophical level, would that mean their marriages are as counterfeit as my own?

I reveal to those desperately self-deluded women, that I accidentally overheard my wife hiring a private inquiry agent to follow me! To gather evidence of me being unfaithful.

I dramatically sob with fraudulent self-pity into my glass "There goes my well-paying job working for her uncle! Our terrace flat belongs to my wife. All the money and nice things I have come from my wife's trust. With our pre-nup, if my wife can prove me unfaithful, I lose it all."

In one more blatant lie, I tell my wanna-be-forever lover that "My 'wife' insists she intends to go after the woman with whom I am having an affair. Publicly naming my lover as co-respondent in the divorce and suing her for damages for alienation of affections."

That last line always sends them scampering home before they have a chance to think through the panic. By time they realize that they had been had, Gary White is far gone and long away. Trolling for new victims.

Since I had paid for everything, as I never take any money or gifts from these women, there has been no cause for the Coppers to be interested in me. Never seemed worth the agro to me to take anything but some time with the twats.

The only private inquiry agent I have discovered tailing me about. He just took Sharon's money and made no more then a cursory effort to find Gary White.

Actually, I'd suss he was doing her a favor. Giving her enough time to get over me and I do sincerely hope, finding someone a little more homely.

About a week later I had a Sarah?Sara?Sahara? for a night, soon followed by a Marie for a long, holiday weekend. I suffered through a drought for nearly three months before I conned my first Lynn for a weekend.

Then a fortnight later, a second Lynn was snared for a wild week in Dublin. That woman and her mates could really tie one on as long as I was paying for the rounds.

Finally I was awoken Monday afternoon. When the burly balkan bulldyke hotel chambermaid rudely rolled me out of bed onto the floor and then booted me into an ice-cold shower.

I had given her a very good tip when we first arrived. For her to give me the opportunity to dress, pack and flee the country. Before she roused the three women on the other bed, from their drunken slumber.

Damn well wish I could remember shagging all of them! I have a drunken kaleidoscope of memories, in and out of bed with the three tarts. Even a couple of brief, dim snapshots of me on my back while the trio were simultaneously working me over.

This blackout scared me into admitting that I have got to moderate my drinking. Let's face it, if I can't remember shagging three women in one go, then Gary my boy, you've gotten a serious drinking problem!

What the fuck is the point of going to all that bloody fucking effort to get fucked, if I am so fucked up, I cannot remember the pleasure of being fucked?!?

Oh yes, my blood tests have all come back clean so far. I found out years ago that I'm allergic to latex. I just have to be careful to select women who have as much to lose as I do. I doubt if any of them want to bring some crud home to their unsuspecting hubbies.

As for any offspring? Well, the silly tarts wanted reproductive responsibility, so it's up to them to manage birth control. So far, so good. No one's pinned any child support actions onto my tail.

Yeah, I know, I'm kinda relying on the husbands and boyfriends to not bring home an SDI for their 'Better Halves' to share with me.

No risk? No orgasm! If I want to get fucked, I just gotta accept the risk of getting fucked up.

Every one of them knew going in, that WE were just temporary. Many of the women are relieved, knowing that I could be counted upon to not stick around. After all, they have their own spouses or mates to return to.

I want to thank all of you prats for mislaying such beautiful and sexually hungry wives and girlfriends for me to mislead. For you blokes being so generous as to leave them unsatisfied. For you being so unthinkingly willing to share them with me.

Should I end this with "Thanking you gits, for ignoring your wife's emotional needs? For your ignorance at pleasuring a woman? For being such a pack of ignominious Doolallys? I hope you you boys do not think that I am not being too 'ignotum per ignotius' for your lack of intellect?"

That is all the opportunity I need to fulfill, at least temporarily, those needs at stud service for her?

Or, how about 'Ignorance is bliss'? For both your smug egotism and my sexual fulfillment?

You and I? Me and you? I and you? You and me?

Never could keep that straight.

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The End....

..........

....until I return to your town.

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Oh, wait......

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Now for something not so completely different

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Hmmm, a memo from my Department head.....

........Ordering me to attend a meeting with the Director of Foreign Operations. Seems my 2002 Commonwealth tour went so well. Lot's of new contacts resulting in several profitable contracts.

For 2004, they want me to take my show on the road to America.

Imagine that.....

........Oh, My, God, Yes!...

....The Land of Opportunity and lonely, sexually deprived Yank housewives.

By time I get through with them, they'll be singing "Over Here! Over Here! The Yanks Are Cuming Over Here!"

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How could I ever say no?

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Are the Bush daughter's of legal age?

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Cause I do have a proud family tradition to uphold.

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Pity that Cheney gel is queer but I'll never know if I do not try.

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And what the hell? Hillary is still a fine looking woman.

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Wonder what she's doing these days?

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And who is she doing it to?

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Hope springs infernal!

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