Double Helix Ch. 09

We walked out into the preternatural quiet, the crunch of gravel under our feet loud and grating in the stillness. I angled for the barn at the end of the drive and Norm followed just behind. The massive double doors stood slightly ajar, and I pulled one of them open far enough for us to slip inside. The interior was empty except for a rusty old tractor and a few farm implements hanging from the walls. Any hay or feed that may have been there had been swept clean long ago, leaving only bare dirt and empty troughs.

I brushed the dust off of a bench near a work table and sat. Norm remained standing, keeping a distance of several feet between us. "Nock knows what happened," he said at once. "He heard us in the truck that night."

I nodded. "I thought that might have been the case. He was angry when he saw me that morning, but he was really mad at you."

"I don't blame him." The guilt in him surged as he said it.

"No, you blame yourself," I said. "Sometimes your mind is a total mystery to me. How is it that you can say that what happened was an accident, the result of hormones and adrenaline, but then act as though you had done something terrible?"

"There's no contradiction there, Tilly. It was a mistake. What we felt was powerful, but it was just a feeling. I should have stopped it, but I didn't."

"You still feel it now."

"No."

"That's a lie."

"Fuck you!" He stared at me, jaw clenched in anger. The shock must have been visible on my face, because he turned away, ashamed. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"I'm sorry if it's painful, but it's the truth," I said. "This is how we both feel."

The anger welled back up in him. "Are you doing this to me?" he demanded. "Some kind of pheromone they engineered into you?"

I shook my head. "No, Norm. This isn't some chemical compulsion. This is who we are."

"I love her," he said, emphasizing the last word.

I nodded. "And she loves you. Norm, you think I don't understand, but I do. It is a joy, just being in the same room as the two of you. Stan and Stansy have something different, strong and deep, but not as passionate as what is between you and Nissi. It is there too, between you and me."

"Would you stop saying that," he growled, pacing the floor.

"You've been avoiding this, denying it. You've been avoiding me."

"Because I have to. The one time I dropped my guard, I lost control. I cheated on Nissi."

"Have you told her?" I asked. I was already fairly certain I knew the answer.

"No. I know that it would hurt her."

"So you think it is better that you lie to her?"

"God, you sound like Nock. What do you want from me, Tilly? You want me to confess? The truth will set me free? You want me all to yourself, is that it?"

His pain had come to the fore, crushing and raw. I hated what he was doing to himself, and now, to shield himself from that, he tried to twist around what I felt for him, and use it against me. "I'm just saying that you've been lying far too often and too long to those who care about you."

"You're right," he said. "And I hate it. I hate the deception. I hate what it says about me. But I can't, Tilly. I can't tell her that. I can't risk losing her."

I was getting nowhere with Norm. He was intent upon keeping his secret. If we had all gone separate ways, I would have let it go, but having him so close to me every day, having to force down my wanting as he suppressed his own was a kind of slow torture. My need for him was an ache deep in my bones. Something had to change. I stood and stepped toward him.

Norm backed up a step, but checked himself and stopped. I came on, moving slowly but deliberately. He flinched when I reached for him, but I caught him and drew him in, gently but inexorably. I pressed my body against his. "No," he whispered. "Don't do this."

"I just want to hold you," I said. I lowered my gaze, letting my forehead rest against his cheek. "Our hearts are racing," I said. I could hear as well as feel them, a pair of comforting, life-giving beats. His masculine scent was all around me, and I breathed it in. His breath came shallow, and I felt the hot rush of blood to his skin. My head felt light and my senses rejoiced, one craving finally satisfied, but another only intensified.

Norm trembled in my arms, the pain in him first surging, then receding as his own desire flared. He folded me in his arms, squeezing me tighter against him. The grip of guilt and anxiety began to loosen, only to come down again, harder than ever. "No," he repeated. He pushed me. I could have held on if I chose, but I let him go. He stumbled back, panting, staring at me in hurt and confusion. "I can't. I won't."

I felt the sudden absence as though a part of me had been ripped away. It had felt so good to hold him in my arms. I could almost convince myself that that alone would be enough. "I'm sorry," I said. I just couldn't stand to be apart from you a moment longer, I wanted to say.

Norm turned and walked away. At the door he stopped, and I felt his surge of emotion. "Just stay away from me, Tilly," he said in a tremulous voice, not looking back. I stared after him as he pushed the door open and fled.