Drawing Allegra

Edward Degas had a talent for capturing the female form. In paintings, in sketches, in sculptures. He certainly had a thing for ballerinas. And naked women. Nude, rather. There's a difference between naked and nude, you know. A big difference actually. Have you ever thought about it? You emerge into this world naked. A crying, balled up, defenseless little thing. That's definitely naked, not nude. Nude implies a certain confidence and comfort in one's own skin.

But back to Degas. There's one painting he did that reminds me of a certain girl. I'm not much of an art guy, but I saw this painting once when I was visiting Paris with my family and I've always remembered it. It's a painting of a woman, sitting nude on the edge of a bed. Her bed. Her lover's bed. Someone's bed at least. Anyway, she's sitting there on this bed sort of arching her body up, the outline of her breasts silhouetted in the foreground, her beautiful auburn-brown hair falling over her outstretched arms in a loose ponytail. Her elegant neck is extended into the air as she dries her nape with a towel. It's a beautiful painting. You can't see her face. Just the long lines of her back. And her winged shoulder blades. And the outline her breasts. And nipples. The woman is nude. Not naked.

My name is Ethan. I'm a grad student in a city of a billion students. A city right next to another city with another billion students. Separated by a river. I bet you could guess the university I'm at if you wanted to, but we're not really here to talk about my studies. I'm pursuing English and Philosophy, if you wanted to know. Yes, you might as well stamp "Nerd" on my forehead. Though, for the last 24 years I've managed to internalize most of my nerdiness, and luckily for me it tends to only manifest itself in ways that many girls find endearing. I don't know what happened at the turn of the century when the whole Nerd Renaissance brought on gaggles of girls looking for men who collect comic books, play Halo, and pride themselves on their Netflix queues full of obscure foreign films. I think it has something to do with that annoying kid from "The O.C". Not that I ever watched that show. Ahem. Apart from geeking out over 20th century literature and literary theory (wake up, I'm still talking) I'm pretty much a normal guy. I work(ed) at this café in Harvard square and teach an SAT prep course to help keep me out of abject poverty. Luckily I'll be teaching some courses in the fall, because, well recently, I've had a falling out at my job. But we'll get to that in a little while. First I want to talk about that girl.

To be naked is to be exposed and vulnerable. Naked is embarrassing. Uncomfortable. So I guess to say that I've felt naked throughout the majority of my relationship with Allegra is pretty accurate. The first time I laid eyes on Allegra she was walking into the café last September looking for a job. She was 22, and also a student, a year behind in her studies in art history after taking two semesters off when her single mother had been battling cancer. Her mom had recovered, and she'd gone back to school. And I think I fell in love with her by the time she told me this on her first shift with me. I was seeing another girl at the time. A really great girl, but I knew we weren't heading anywhere serious. Instead I was fascinated by Allegra. I found myself looking forward to shifts with her, and gradually developing a closer friendship. We'd chat with each other even on our days off. Sometimes hang out together after work with other people from the café. Eventually my girlfriend and I broke up, but I was hesitant to pursue Allegra right away. I liked what we had together.

In a word Allegra is adorable. She hums jingles while she puts things back in the stock room. Her short, pretty nails are always painted these crazy bright colors. Right now they're tangerine. When the weather's bad she wears these ugly men's rain boots you'd see some guy wearing on a fishing show on the Discovery Channel, but she somehow makes them work. She's always smiling. Even when she's stressed and tired. I know what you're thinking, what's wrong with me, why didn't I just ask her out? Thatis what you're thinking, right? Well of course I fucking thought about that. Unfortunately Allegra is not only irresistible to me, but apparently her charms extend to others as well, and she has unfortunately settled these charms on this creepy (albeit I am a little biased) Italian gallery owner she met a couple of months ago. Stefano. Just saying his name makes me feel a little nauseous. Her eyes would light up whenever he came into the store, and I'd be forced to stand there watching them coo all over each other while I made his stupid cappuccinos. You'd never believe how much the idea of going to jail for poisoning and attempted murder doesn't suck when you're watching a creepy Italian dude touch the girl you're in love with.

I found myself at a loss of what to do. I've always been relatively confident around women, despite my sometimes-nerdy qualities. I'm an attractive guy by most standards. I dress well and practice good hygiene, all that good stuff. I played soccer most of my life and ran throughout high school and college. Allegra is beautiful, I know that. But I'm not so bad. We'd look nice together. Not that I often think of this or anything. But there are sometimes when she seems interested. Take this night for example.

I was in the book and magazine aisle of CVS one night when I heard my cell phone ringing. I didn't need to look to see who it was. She'd stolen my phone and bought and personalized her own ring tone while she was on a break a couple weeks back. I chuckled hearing it, and quickly flipped it open,

"You need to remind me to change this ring tone," I sighed. I heard her giggle on the other end.

"You don't like it? Come on, you paid 2.99 for it, you should at least enjoy it for a few more weeks," she said playfully.

"Well, it's a little embarrassing, for me at least, to be out in public and have "Nuthin But a 'G' Thang" emanating from your pocket."

She laughed and we continued to tease each other about our respective stories of the day as I put down the men's magazine I was flipping through, and narrowed in on a magazine with a young emaciated actress on the cover, one of the subheadings addressed to men and "how to please their ladies."

"I can't believe he's dead," she sighed, continuing our conversation as I flipped to the table of contents, just curious to see what the article had to say (I mean, I probably knew everything they had to say already, right?).

"I know, to think we were dancing to him just the other night," I sighed, not really caring about Michael Jackson, but amused at the thought of us goofily dancing across the store after we closed the week before.

We'd been cleaning up the floors when an old classic had come on the radio and soon we were snapping and spinning, and before I knew it was sliding as deftly I could in my brown Pumas across the tiles, trying my best moonwalk.

"So how'd I do," I'd asked after, still panting slightly from my exertions.

"You looked like this epileptic cat my great aunt once had," she'd said staring at me. Her lips didn't falter but I'd seen see the smile in her eyes.

I almost laughed into the phone, just remembering that cute little bemused smile she gave me whenever she was trying to be mean, when I heard a crash of items falling behind me.

"Where are you anyway?" She asked undoubtedly hearing the loud, pharmacy-aisle-monopolizing mother and her litter of children charging past me as I struggled to maintain my footing against the passing tide of Velcro sneakers.

"I'm just picking up some stuff in CVS," I said, shooting one freckled face child a dirty look as he pushed into me.

"What stuff?" she asked curiously. My eyes widened in panic as I realized the only things I'd even contemplated buying were the stupid magazine I'd been thumbing with its article about giving a woman the perfect oral orgasm and this cleansing face wash I liked.

"Er, uh, you know. Man stuff. Need some more whey protein mix, that Axe body spray stuff, energy bars, condoms. Nothing weird. At all," I said, fighting the urge to shove the magazine in my own mouth.

"Uh huh," she said suspiciously, "sounds normal."

"You're a nosy thing, you know that?" I asked, trying not to think about how nice it would be to give her an orgasm with my mouth and tongue. I quickly flung the magazine back on its rack as though it were covered in anthrax.

"I do know that. I have another nosy question for you," she said, sounding impossibly cute.

"What is that?" I asked hoping it wasn't too nosy, because I was in a mood to tell her things I shouldn't.

"Would you like to get ice cream with me?"

"Sure," I said after the obligatory feigned pause of contemplation.

An hour later I was strolling with her down cobble stone streets, cup of half eaten cookie dough in my hand, trying to slow my stride as we made it closer to her apartment. One of her arms locked around mine and she looked up at me sweetly as we passed a few couples walking and an older woman with a small dog. I wandered briefly if strangers would mistake us for a couple just from seeing us walk by. We certainly looked like one.

"Thanks again for coming with me," she said licking her spoon of black raspberry in a way that made me nearly crush the Styrofoam cup in my hands.

"Not at all," I said, throwing my cup into a trash can as we passed. We'd made it to her front stoop and she balanced the cup in one hand, fishing through her purse for keys in the other. I just watched her, standing over her smaller frame. Being so close to her made me realize how much taller I was than her. She was relatively tall for a girl. Well, maybe only 5'7 or so. But her legs made her appear taller. Standing there, waiting for her to find her keys though, I realized I would still have to bend down quite a bit just to put my chin on the top of her head. I momentarily contemplated the idea of her asking me upstairs. I knew I was tame around her whenever we were together, but I was relatively sure I could break her down if we were alone in her apartment. I mean she flirted pretty openly with me. A part of her had to be attracted to me, and I was just starting to feel crazy enough to use whatever attraction she had to my advantage. Fuck Stefano. I didn't give a shit anymore.

"I'd ask you up," she said quietly, not meeting my eyes. Then ask me up. Ask me up. Ask me up. "But my shift is really early and I still have to do some laundry," she said, pulling her arm away from mine. Fuck jesus fucking fuck.

"Oh, yeah no problem," I said smiling goofily like I was Richie Fucking Cunningham.

"We're working together Sunday, right?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah, I think so." Whatever. Who cares.

"Well, I'll see you then." And with that she leaned up on her toes, kissing my cheek. She giggled softly as she pulled away.

"You're stubbly today. Kind of scruffy," she laughed with a twinkle in her green eyes.

"Yeah, didn't shave today," I sighed, feeling embarrassed.

"I like you scruffy," she paused, biting her a lip a little. "It's kind of hot," she purred. She turned around and I watched her ass wiggle as she climbed her steps, quickly plugging her key into the double doors and heading up into her apartment's lobby.

I stood there for a few more seconds, speechless. My jeans felt tighter and I could feel my cock responding to her breathy voice that was still ringing in my head. I walked down the street, headed for the closest T stop, cursing myself. I knew I was going to masturbate furiously to her when I got home. But this had to stop. It was stupid. She was either a huge tease or the most oblivious girl in the history of the world. Or maybe not. Maybe I was just the biggest moron to ever walk the earth. Yes, I think I was onto something.

***

Early Sunday morning I was awoken to Dr. Dre ringing near my head. I dug around to where my phone was hiding under my pillow.

"Hello?" I asked groggily.

"Hi," she said, sounding out of breath, "Did I wake you?"

"No," I said, trying to clear my throat without making noise.

"Liar, yes I did," she laughed. "Listen, this is really annoying, I know, but you're going in at noon, right?"

"Yes," I said stretching my arm over my head, gazing up at my ceiling.

"Well, I'm supposed to go in a 2, but there's somewhere I really need to be at 7:30, so I was sort of wondering if you'd switch shifts with me," she said. I could hear the wheels spinning in her head.

"Yeah, that's fine. Don't worry about it," I said, pulling myself out of bed, running a hand through my hair.

"Really? Oh great, you're the best."

After a few more "thank yous" we were off the phone.

We were busy that day. Sundays were busier, especially during the brunch and lunch hours, and I didn't see much of her during the time our shifts overlapped. With only an hour or so left until close I walked into the back room looking for the drink I'd left there on my break and spied her out of the corner of my eyes, ditching her work shirt and adjusting the tight tank she had underneath. I averted my glance until I felt her turning around.

"Oh, hey," she smiled briefly, pulling her long auburn locks back into a loose ponytail, "Thanks again for covering for me. I had something come up and I was so glad I didn't have to turn it down."

"No, it's fine," I coughed. "So," I said not wanting her to leave yet, "Where are you rushing off to?"

"I'm actually off to a figure drawing class," she said, running behind me and grabbing a brown leather bag.

"Oh la la," I whistled, "I hope for your sake you have a good looking subject." She laughed a sweet whimsical laugh that lilted off the room's high ceiling.

"I'm actually not in the class. I'm posing for them today."

I nearly spit water in her face, feeling my face burn a dark crimson, suddenly mortified for making light of the whole idea. And then I felt a strange twinge of jealousy at the fact that a class full of male artists and students would get to study her naked form. My cock twitched at the thought.

"Are you actually blushing?" she laughed, throwing a gray hoodie over her white tank top.

I laughed, trying to ignore her question. "Is this your, uh, first time doing that?" I asked, trying to think of anything in the world besides Allegra naked.

"Posing? No, not my first. I took a class a few semesters ago and really enjoyed it. Then I heard about this guy who offers classes in his studio in town and he's always looking for more models I guess. I thought it would be interesting to experience that type of art from a different perspective, you know?" She asked, barely stopping to take a breath, "He has a bunch of us, so I don't go all that often, but whenever he needs someone I'm usually up for it, I mean it's decent money for two hours of work," she said.

"You don't get embarrassed," I asked, rather stupidly.

She laughed, sliding up next to me, leaning down against the shelves of supplies, now apparently not in as much of a hurry.

"Well, no, not really. I mean the class is there for people to learn how to be better artists. Some are already really accomplished artists, some are just beginners. But, at least when I took a life form class, I remember how I barely realized the subject was a real person," she said, her words flowing quickly. I loved when she talked to me about things she enjoyed. I loved watching the way her lips moved erratically as her words seemed to fly out so fast it took her body a few extra seconds to catch up with her.

"I mean, I know that sounds silly. It is. Because in one way you're looking at the person with more scrutiny than you would ever look at someone you're simply seeing naked for the first time. You study every shape and every flaw in such detail. But when you're painting or sketching a nude person you get so focused on the body as a subject. It's not really a matter of beautiful or ugly anymore. Or fat or thin. It's just a form," she said.

"I understand," I said simply, giving her a small smile. And I did, actually. What she said made sense.

"And," she continued, "That's not to say I wasn't nervous to the point of nausea the first time I did it. It's still embarrassing to stand in front of fifteen strangers completely naked. But I'm comfortable with my body, and it's really not an issue anymore. It's more the fact that the poses can be uncomfortable after a while. It's really a lot harder than you'd think to hold certain poses for longer periods of times. Sometimes we'll get up to stretches of keeping at one pose for a half hour. It fucking hurts man," she laughed, pulling her bag over her shoulder.

"Yes, I bet," I sighed with a smile.

"Well, I should get going," she said, gazing at the time on her cell phone. "Thanks again." She kissed my cheek and headed through the back door.

I sat there in the back room for a few more minutes. Trying to think of anything but Allegra naked.

***

Since that day she told me about her posing gig, a nasty, twisted, toxic little idea was planted in my reptilian brain.

I wanted to go to one of them.

I know what you're thinking. That's a little bit crazy, dude. And it is. But believe me. If you were in my shoes, suffering this sort of torture every day thinking about this girl, you would be on the precipice of insanity as well.

And I mean, I wasn't actively pursuing the situation. She'd said she didn't do it very often, so I figured my chances of actually following through were slim to none. In fact, I'd decided to go with the more normal route of asking her to spend time with me in a way that was more typical of platonic friendships. Where both friends are clothed and consensual. One afternoon the next week after the lunch rush had slowed a bit, we were both up in the front, cleaning things up and filling coffee orders when I decided to just ask her out. I knew she had a boyfriend, but you could go see a movie or get dinner with a platonic friend, right? Work with me here people. Just play along.

I'd been rehearsing ways of bringing this up with her all morning. I waited, watching her as she drew a smiley face on a coffee cup for a customer she liked. Finally as she handed him his latte and he hurried off she turned to me, pantomiming a gun to her head. I laughed with a sigh of relief, only a few customers left lingering at tables.

"So," I said, aiming for casual, "I was wondering if you wanted to get dinner tomorrow night. Or maybe go see a movie. I heard that one with the guy from that thing is really funny. I don't know if you've seen it. Or maybe we could just hang out," I said, realizing this wasn't going as well I'd hoped.

I looked up and she was smiling so sweetly.

"I'd really like that Ethan," she said. "But I have another one of those classes tomorrow night. And then I told Stefano I'd see him. We haven't seen each other in days. But what about Wednesday? I'm free Wednesday." I was stuck in the Friend Zone. Presumably forever. I was working Wednesday night, and the rest of the week was sort of iffy for both of us. We agreed we'd definitely get together soon.

But in my mind I'd already decided something. I was going to that class. She'd brought up in conversation what part of town the studio was in, and it only took a little guess work to figure out which one. I sent an email to the instructor asking if there were any available spots for the Tuesday night class.

Later that night as I checked my email I saw he'd replied to my message. Please be full, please be full, I thought to myself as I clicked it open. There were four spots left. Twenty dollars for the class. And a separate fee for the model. Had to bring my own materials. And you of course know what happened next, I told him to reserve my spot.