Dream Fantasy Ch. 04

NOTE: I've been away for a while now, but this is what happens after part 3 (duhh), there is NO hot scenes in this part, since this part is more about what is really going on with Emma. Enjoy, part 5 will be up soon :)

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The next few days I didn't see Ethan, nor heard about him. I found myself always looking around to see if he was anywhere to be seen. Truth be told, I was sort of missing him, which was crazy since I barely knew the guy. There was no way I was going to admit that to anyone.

The days seemed to drag on and on so much slower than when Ethan was around. I missed having friends, but I couldn't stand the look in people's eyes. Everyone sees me like it was my fault if my parents died that night. I've been feeling guilty for the past 5 years; I didn't need anyone to remind me of what I did that night. At least with Ethan, he didn't look at me like I was some kind of fragile porcelain who killed her parents. He didn't know my story, maybe that was the reason he didn't look at me like everyone, but up to now I was enjoying it.

Thinking about my parents made a lot of emotions resurface; guiltiness, sadness, fear, and it was too painful to bear. What hurt the most was the fact that I didn't have anyone to talk to except Sara and my brother Max. I wished that maybe with Ethan it would be different, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. I felt tears stung my eyes, but I swallowed them; I couldn't cry at school, I had to be strong.

My phone started to vibrate and looking down at the caller I.D, I didn't recognize it.

"Hello?"

"Hey kiddo, how's it going?" Ohmigod, that voice, it was Max's, my big brother!!

"Max! It's so good to hear from you. I'm doing fine, but when are you coming home? How are you? I miss you!"

I did really miss my brother, when he was deployed, I felt like a small piece of me went with him as well. Since the accident, my brothers and I got really close. Even though he could be a little over-protective, I loved him and I knew that he just wanted to keep me safe.

"So many questions little Emma," he laughed quietly. "I'm doing ok; it's kind of hard being so far away from Sara and you."

"We miss having you around Max, are you coming back soon?"

"I don't know baby girl, it's hard to tell, I hope to have a leave soon, but I really don't know when."

We kept talking for a little while, trying to catch up on what we could. I didn't say anything about Ethan since it was nothing serious and I didn't want my brother to worry about me from where he was.

"Look Emma, I have to back there. I miss you ok? Don't you ever forget how much I love you, be a good girl to Sara?" He was clearly emotional. One thing I knew about Max was that he didn't get emotional often, unless it was about his family. Hearing him talk like that, knowing that anything could happen back there, shot me right to the heart.

After the talk with Max, going to school didn't seem like a good idea, I was too emotionally drained to focus on anything the teachers would say. I didn't want to go home either, because I knew that I would be over thinking and over analysing things. I knew where I had to go.

The cemetery was empty when I got there, and I was glad for it. I wanted to be alone. There was fresh flowers on almost every grave, but some older were empty, some people never came to see their loved ones. I really liked this place; it's where I felt at peace; around these beautiful threes and the beautiful landscape. Walking across the cemetery, I finally found my parents tombstone; two beautiful angels who held both my parents name, date of birth and death. We chose angels, because since their death, they became our guardian angels. I set down the flower bouquet I had bought on my way here; magnolias, my mother's favourite. I sat down and took a deep breathe; I needed some "parents-daughter" time.

I started to talk to them as if they were really listening. I told them about Max's call, and I asked them to protect him from up above because he and Sara were what I had left. Talking to my parents felt good, I told them about my night out with Sara the other day. Talking about that made me remember the night they died.

"Mom, dad..." I had a lump in my throat, I could barely speak. "I miss you both so much. There is never a day where I don't think of you, I'm so sorry about that night. It shouldn't have been you who died, but me instead. It's my god damn fault if today you're six feet under." Tears were streaming down my face; the pain I felt in my chest was unbearable. "I should have listened to you, please forgive me, I love you both so much and I feel so lost without you here with me." I was now sobbing uncontrollably, I couldn't talk anymore, and the lump in my throat was too big. I wanted to scream, but what would I be screaming, if no one understood my pain. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't hear the footsteps coming behind me.

"Emma, is that you?" That voice, it couldn't be. I turned around and he was there, looking at me with a frown.

"Ethan..." I tried to say.

He knelt down beside me, taking my face in his hands.

"Emma, are you ok?" I whipped away the tears from my face, and gave him a small smile.

"Yeah, I'll be fine, no worries, I got a little overwhelmed, that's it." I wasn't very convincing, and I wasn't fooling anyone, he probably heard everything anyway.

"So, what brings you here Ethan?" I didn't want to talk about my parents, so I changed the subject. Ethan lowered his head and took a deep breath, well someone was feeling as bad as I was.

"I'm here for my brother who died in a car accident a few years ago."

Well, I wasn't expecting that kind of answer at all; he lost his brother the same way I lost my parents.

"I'm sorry for you loss Ethan, I know what it's like to lose someone you really care about."

"Yeah, well whatever, what about you? Why are you here?"

There was the question I dreaded the most, I could have lied to him, but I didn't, somehow, I hoped he didn't turn his back on me after he heard everything.

"I'm here for my parents, they both died five years ago, in a car crash." Saying that out loud sent a jolt of pain right to my heart, and my breath got caught in my throat.

"Wow, I'm sorry for your loss as well, but I have to tell you, I heard bits of what you said, why are you sorry?

That was it, it was now or never, but how can you tell someone that you killed your own parents?

"I KILLED THEM!" I blurted out, it wasn't the best way to say it, but I didn't know any other way.

"Come again? You did what?!" he asked, I couldn't quite figure out the look in his eyes, I was so scared of ending up alone again.

"It happened five years ago, I was seventeen back then. That night a friend of mine invited me to a party she was throwing, when I asked my parents, they said that I couldn't go because I was too young for that kind of parties. We argued, I told them that I hated them, and that I would go to the party with or without their approval.

So that night at the party, I got drunk, like really drunk, but I was still able to call my parents so they could come and pick me up. They showed up together, and on our way back, there was a rainstorm; my dad lost control of the car and we crashed. They were both killed on the spot; I was the only survivor..." I took a deep breathe, I couldn't look at Ethan, so I kept looking down at my hands, I was crying, the pain was killing me. "To this day, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel guilty, if I had listened to them, they would still be alive today."

I was now sobbing, and shaking from all the hurt that I had kept inside. It was the first time I had talked to someone about that night, I realised that I never truly grieved my parents due to all the guilt I always felt. Ethan didn't say a word, he just pulled me onto his lap, and hugged me tight letting me cry. He was soothing my back, tightening his embrace, I knew I was drenching his shirt, I tried to pull away, but Ethan didn't let me.

"Shhh, let it go Emma, it's okay to cry."

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally stopped crying. Talking to Ethan made me feel like a weight was lifted from my shoulders, I didn't have to carry this burden alone anymore. I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, Ethan was holding me, and for the first time, in a very long time, I felt safe.

"Thank you." I whispered, I didn't know what else to say. Ethan kissed the top of my head and whispered; "My pleasure, I know you probably heard it a thousand times, but it wasn't your fault that your parents died that night. It was an accident."

Deep down, I probably knew he was right, but the feeling of guilt I had was stronger. I pulled away just enough so I could look into his eyes.

"Maybe you are right Ethan, maybe it was an accident, but for the past five years, everyday there's a "What if..." inside me. What if I hadn't gone to that party that night? What if I hadn't called my parents to pick me up and just used a cab? This feeling inside me is so strong Ethan that some days I don't know what to do with it." Tears were threatening to spill again, but I swallowed them.

"Emma, you have to understand something, there will always be the "What if questions..." I have them as well, everyone does. The thing is you can't change the past as much as you would love to, your have to find a way to move on with your life. Do you really think your parents would be happy to know that their beautiful daughter is feeling guilt over their death?"

I shook my head at his statement, I knew he was right, my parents would hate to know the way I'm feeling right now, they were always the ones finding positive things in the hardest moments. I couldn't say a word to Ethan, so I just kissed him softly on the lips, and hugged him as tight as I could.