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This combined hive of creatures charmed the Zito. There was a possibility that this mix of creatures and cultures could end up being much more than its individual members.
The Zito turned and walked. It made more clicking noises "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few...Fascinating."
- COMMENTS
IlliterateScholarabout 4 years ago...but this rewrite isn't bad. Again, I sometimes wonder where the translator, alien, or author made a grammar or spelling error, except where your spellchecker replaced a misspelled 'hegemony' with the word 'homogeny', instead, which happened at least twice that I noticed. As for the integration of the two stories, there were places where, if I hadn't read the Drew Jr. chapter first, I would not know which character said what (the part where Princess Tiffany asked what they meant by meeting on the "other side").
Mainly, I think the biggest problem you have is reading your story as the author, who is omniscient in the story universe. Your readers have to figure out by context what is going on, so it is easy to confuse them (myself included), so you either need to set the story down for a few days to help you forget what you wrote, or you need to have a friend or editor (with whom you haven't been discussing the story) read it and make notes of where they got tripped up trying to figure out who was speaking or to what the narration was referring. If you can do that, I think your story would be quite a lot better.
As for characters and plot, I think you have done a truly remarkable job. I love the characters, and the plot is interesting and exciting. I like how the alien races interact, and how the relationships change as "the Drews" prove their honor and intelligence in battle, and eventually their love for members of the other races.
Good job :)
