Driving in Snow Ch. 04

She nodded.

I continued: "You have a beautiful body, full of natural grace. He was foreclosing using that vision as a subtle form of mystical insight. There is godliness in beauty and appreciating beauty, just as there can be spiritual grace in displaying physical grace. Barbara demonstrated that in her dance, so did Cindy and so did you when we waltzed. Honoring grace and beauty helps reinforce innocence."

Then she continued: "Poor John. I guess he was the one who was not innocent. If I wore something like Barb's gown for him he would have freaked out. He never did see me nude. If he had I suspect that I would have felt dirty somehow."

She went on: "I am having trouble believing just how comfortable I feel. This is so unreal - Not only am I nude but I'm happy about the fact that my daughters are too. Anyway, I find being nude now to be just wonderful. I really loved dancing nude. It's funny, I never would have thought of being nude as demonstrating innocence, but it is. You are so right about innocence."

I said: "If you go back to Genesis - Adam and Eve were nude when they were innocent but put on the fig leaves when they had lost their innocence."

We talked about this for a while.

I commented: "A man can look at a beautiful woman, especially a beautiful woman who is nude and be in total awe such that it takes him to a very spiritually connected place or he can look at her and think: 'What a piece of ass, I wanna sink my cock in that.'"

Ann asked: "Is that an inclusive or exclusive 'or'?"

I responded with a chuckle: "Inclusive, definitely inclusive."

Ann and Barbara burst out laughing, Cindy and Mary looked confused. Finally Cindy asked: "What does that mean?"

I answered: "Inclusive or means either or both while an exclusive or is either but not both."

This launched us into a wild discussion, with only a little male bashing.

Switching topics, I commented that I felt that the girls all had managed to remain essentially innocent with their sexual experiences. I said that I felt very honored that each had chosen me to be their first sexual partner.

That remark netted me a soft kiss from each of them. Mary looked pleased.

Barbara looked deep into my eyes and said: "Somehow, I know what if I had been afraid to ask you to come to my bed I would have lost my virtue right there and my innocence too. Virginity is often seen as a symbol of innocence and yet I maintained my innocence precisely by losing mine. That was the exact opposite of what my dad would think. I'm sure if he knew what we did he would be sure that we were both headed straight to hell."

She continued: "While we were making love I seemed to be a whole lot more than just Barbara Wells. I really was aware of being that spiritual being that gives up so much to put on a human costume. The power, the love, the Te was incredible." She chuckled and continued: "I never thought I would use the word Te, cosmic virtue, to describe what society would consider an illicit sex act."

That took us on a tangent exploring how virtue and morality can be very different. How true virtue comes with a much higher spiritual energy. I noted that true virtue is usually a call to be mindful, to do what is spiritually appropriate, to listen to the still small voice of the God within, while morality is often a mindless adherence to social or religious norms, conventions and rules. Virtue contains an awareness of the bigger picture and the consequences to follow any action, as well as an acceptance of those consequences. I pointed out that here is another soul age difference: "It takes many lifetimes for the soul to develop the ability to form linkages between the soul and personality, such that it is possible to hear what is often called 'the still small voice,' and in the meantime all the personalities of younger souls have is morality."

Ann disagreed saying: "I think that the linkages are always there but often undeveloped. Nonetheless these skills can be developed in anyone. However, there is often a subtlety in true virtue which may make it difficult to receive. Often people will act in a totally virtuous way without realizing it."

Mary pointed out: "Here in the west the tradition has been for the church to stand between the lay person and God. By taking that role they actively discourage people from developing a direct connection to their divine core. This is a way of protecting their turf."

I said: "This isn't surprising since organizations tend to put their existence, their bureaucratic health, before their mission and as people become truly spiritually aware they tend to drop out of organized religion. It doesn't have to be this way - It seems to me that spiritually aware people want a sense of community every bit as much as anyone else, maybe more, but the terms are different. Spiritually aware people want groups which are open and without dogma. People who are really spiritually aware know that truth cannot be put in words. The best words ever get is poorly put hints about the nature of what is transcendent truth. If we're lucky we get to experience it occasionally."

Mary hugged me. She sighed and said: "We've had that sense within this household but not outside it. I wish I could find a group that would accept me as I am. Where I didn't feel it was necessary to 'hide my light' all the time. I don't know how to respond when someone suggests I'm communicating with the devil instead of God."

I said: "Point out to them that the test is easy - God is pure love and if you feel more loved and loving it's God, while if you feel more fear it's not."

Mary responded: "Great answer - Thanks."

Ann commented: "That may get some of the more thoughtful fundamentalist types thinking about just who their pastors are communicating with."

I said: "Ouch! - Nasty, nasty."

She grinned.

I responded: "Remember the Idea of 'soul age.' Those people are working in ways that are appropriate for where they are."

Ann nodded, still smiling.

We returned to discussing the differences between morality and virtue.

Cindy retrieved a "Tao Te Ching" and read sutra 38 to us.

I pointed out that different translations of this sutra differ widely and where some use the word 'morality' others use 'justice,'or even 'righteousness.'

From here the conversation moved into a discussion of how true virtue is innocent but morality may pull people away from innocence.

We wandered far afield.

At one point we talked about how the phrase 'still small voice' is really a very poor description of the intuitive process and how intuition usually shows up as a 'knowing,' a 'remembering' or as a 'feeling.' I pointed out that one of my friends describes his as a 'gut feeling,' which in my mind may or may not be the same process.

Eventually we returned to talking about innocence.

Ann and Cindy both talked about having slightly different versions of Barbara's experience. I talked about mine.

Mary just looked sad.

Barb went into more detail pointing out that the spiritual being that is the real Barbara was both separate and the one God at the same time, that in a weird way we were really one, first with each other, second with the whole spiritual family, then all of humanity and finally with the entire universe.

This conversation continued.

Mary's story.

Mary started to cry. Saying that she could never be innocent again. She looked at her daughters and said: "Maybe it's time you found out why your father divorced me." The girls all looked somewhat solemn as their mother continued: "I met John in college, he was one year ahead of me, we dated and had a lot of fun but limited our sex play to necking and some petting, we did not have sex until our wedding night and John, being a very devout Baptist was very pleased about that. He always made a big deal out of being a 'God fearing Christian'." She took a breath, and went on: " I dropped out of college and we married right after he graduated. Ann, you were born just over one year later. We bought this farm, went to church, had Cindy. When my sister and brother in law, Jan and Steve were killed in a head on with a drunk driver we adopted their only child Barbara. We had been her God-parents and John took that responsibility very seriously. John was a hard worker and so was I so together we really built up this farm."

She took a breath. "When Cindy was about two years old John discovered my box of high school and college memorabilia: My yearbooks, some photo albums, and my diaries." She paused as if as to let the word sink in. "Most of what was in the diaries was totally innocuous, but John happened to open one to a place which wasn't. I had described in great detail my freshman year crush on and affair with a junior football player named Jack. I was very naive and let him do a lot, I liked it when he touched my breasts, I liked it even more when he touched other places. We started to have sex and I always asked him to use protection, I had heard the word condom but I didn't know what one looked like or how it was used. When he said he was using one I believed him. The short take here is I promptly got pregnant. Jack's response was to try to convince me that I was just imagining things and to invite me to a party with some of his friends at a home where the parents were away. They got me drunk and/or drugged and Jack passed me around to his friends. Three or four of them screwed me and I don't to this day know who they were. Jack thought the whole thing was funny." Mary sobbed. "Anyway I was pregnant, Jack was no help or support and I had an abortion."

Tears just flooded out now.

"John confronted me with the diary, he was furious, I had deceived him, he assumed I was a virgin on my wedding night as he was, I was damaged goods, I was a slut, I was a whore and I'd had an abortion - how could I kill a baby, how could I kill my baby... John ranted and raved for over an hour using language I had never heard from him before. He filed for divorce the very next day. To this day he calls me a f-s or a b-k, fuck-slut or a baby killer. Sometimes I'm even a f-s-b-k."

The girls were all crying and I was near tears also as I took Mary's hands and helped her stand into my arms for a hug. I moved her head to my shoulder and just held her and let her cry. We swayed slightly.

Eventually she stopped crying and we were all able to sit and talk about all of this.

Ann had several comments: she said that she now understood why her mother was so fanatically down on football players and why she was so absolutely insistent that we take birth control pills from an early age. Ann asked: "Didn't dad have any respect for your privacy, reading your diary like that?"

Mary answered: "I don't think the issue of privacy even entered John's mind. He would routinely open mail addressed to me for example. In some ways I think he saw me as his possession. Remember John based his morality on Bible verses and I don't remember any about privacy."

Ann also was interested to find out what f-s and b-k meant since her father occasionally called her mother that in her presence. Ann moved over and gave her mother a big hug.

Mary did explain that: "John's foul mouth did backfire on him during the divorce hearing. The judge listened to the stories and asked me if I had sex with anyone in the time between getting the abortion and marrying John or if I had had an affair. I said no to both and the judge told John that I didn't sound like a fuck slut to him, just a gullible young girl who got stung by a callous and indeed rotten boyfriend and that John should have some compassion and forgiveness. Being told that he should have compassion and forgiveness really infuriated John. He was livid and yelled that I was still a fuck slut. The upshot was that I got full custody of the girls, the farm, and very generous child support and alimony payments. I will give John credit here, he always made his payments in full and on time. I know there were times when it was a real sacrifice on his part to do so."

She continued: "Remember, John sees a world with only one pass before going to heaven or hell and he believes as a 'God fearing Christian,' who has 'been saved' that he is automatically assured a place in heaven. After our marriage he would make a big deal about how pleased he was that we were both virgins on our wedding night and about how hard it had been for him through high school when all of his buddies were routinely 'getting laid' but he never once asked me if I was a virgin, he just assumed it. He also made a big deal out of how he had prayed that he would marry a virgin. It may be that some of the blaming me was a denial, an attempt on his part to avoid blaming God for not answering his prayers."

She continued: "John had a very strong libido as well as strong dominance needs, he liked sex all three ways, sometimes all four ways, but never with me on top. I think some of the 'fuck slut' stuff comes from his now wishing that he had been sexually active like his buddies.

I don't want to paint too negative a picture of him because in most ways he was very charming and considerate, for example, he was always on time, he would get the door and hold my chair, he even let me choose the movies. I never heard him swear before he found the diary. He told lots of clean jokes, funny ones. He was and is a hard worker. His being right there with extra money and extra help when Cindy was sick that time was very much in character. Maybe most importantly, after my experience with Jack, I thought John was safe. Where he was really rigid was on whatever he saw as a moral issue although he did seem to have some crazy ideas as to what did or did not constitute a moral issue. He didn't believe in dancing for example, something that at the time seemed to be a small price to pay. I now have to chuckle at some of his struggles where he had a Bible verse on each side of an issue - his thinking could get very contorted. He still has a great deal of fear however."

Mary said: "I know that I never was a fuck slut but baby killer still hurts. It still hurts a lot."

I looked at her and said: "Did you ever consider that the child you aborted is back, possibly as Ann, or Barbara or Cindy?"

Mary's mouth dropped open, she stared at me wide eyed. She raised one finger as if to say wait. Perhaps thirty seconds passed and then she screamed: "Yes" and lunged at me taking my head in both her hands and kissing me, over and over again. She pulled back, still holding my head, looking me in the eye, her eyes tearing up with obvious joy. She shifted her vision to Ann and cried out: "It's Ann, It's Ann."

The two started to hug and cry.

I gathered up Barbara and Cindy by gesturing with my finger and we went into the den and sat down on the sofa. I sat with Barb on one side and Cindy on the other. The girls were leaning into me and I had my arms around each of them, with a breast in each hand, not playing with them, just holding them, cupping them.

We were quiet for a long time and finally Cindy said: "You really do know how to make miracles."

I responded that: "As I said before, miracles happen when you allow them to."

Somewhat later Mary and Ann came into the room and we hugged and hugged and Mary kept saying: "Thank you, Thank you."

Her face got a serious look on it and she went to the phone and called a number. When it was answered she said: "John, listen, you know about the abortion I had all those years ago, ... , John don't swear. I asked God a question tonight, something I never considered trying before. I asked God what happened to the baby's soul and God answered me, just as clear as we are talking he said: 'She's back, She's Ann. ... , yes our Ann and God says it's all OK." Mary began to sob again.

She finally replaced the receiver. She said: "That's the first time I ever heard him cry."

I thought: "There is courage, there is love, there is Mary reclaiming her innocence."

Mary.

I took Mary in my arms and held her lightly, she hugged me so tight It was getting painful like she was going to pop me in half. I let her squeeze and gently held her head against my shoulder. Finally she released her grip, sighed and said softly: "Thank you for so very much."

I kissed her cheek and then her mouth, not a long sexy kiss but a kiss none the less. I smiled at her and asked: "How does it feel to have innocence back?"

She looked stunned for a few seconds then broke into a huge smile and we kissed again. I said: "I would really like to sleep with you tonight."

She looked worried and said: "Why would you want to sleep with an old bag like me when you are already spread thin with the girls."

I thought: 'Old bag?? - Hardly. You are a beautiful woman inside and out. 'The girls' are wonderful and that wonder is a reflection of your inner beauty. But how to get you to see that? If I tell you this you won't believe me.'

I whispered to her: "You know why."

She whispered back very softly: "I'm scared, It's been so long, I've waited so long, and now I'm so scared. I'm scared that I won't be pure enough, won't be able to give you the sacred sex you deserve. Part of me wonders if I really am a fuck slut, not for what I did with Jack, but for what I did with John. With Jack I was naive and foolish but with John I was not true to myself. I wish that I could come to you as a virgin, but I know that I cannot."

I whispered to her that: "You don't need to, just honor the God within, just trust your heart and all will be fine." I looked her in the eyes for what seemed to be a long time, watching as the fear melted away, watching as they softened, I nodded slightly and she nodded back

She kissed me passionately, hungrily, she ground her body into mine as she plunged her tongue into my mouth, we slobbered, we rubbed, I massaged her butt. Sixteen years of sexual starvation released in an instant. Finally we broke the kiss and she cried: "Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes!" The girls applauded. We all hugged together. Pure joy.

Later she used her bathroom while I used the main one since that was where my supplies were. When I was all cleaned up I went into the master bedroom and closed the door. Mary immediately dropped to her knees in front of me and took my cock into her mouth. At that moment it was a cock, not a lingam, not a wand of light. Gently I stopped her saying: "We can save that for another time. Now I want us to be an us."

I moved to the bed pulled back the covers and settled into the middle of the bed on my back. My lingam and now it was lingam, was rock hard, pointing straight up. She looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I said: "You are long overdue to be on top."

She came to me and we kissed and kissed. I began caressing her body from head to toe. She loved it especially when I stroked her inner thighs, apparently this was new to her. I caressed her pubic hair with feather light touches which almost brought her off the bed with ecstasy. She panted and moaned, muttering: "Oh Yes,,,So good...So good, Oh,,,Oh...Oh." We continued petting for a while. Finally, she asked: "What should I do?"

I had her get astride me and lower her self onto my shaft. The love and joy on her face was incredible as she bounced up and down. Nothing psychic appeared to be happening but I was in a state of tremendous joy, feeling both very loved and loving, feeling wondrous union together with a strong sense of completion. I knew that this was very healing for her, just what she needed to start feeling good about herself again and that she needed to feel good about herself in order to take the next step in her spiritual journey.

She shuddered in orgasm, once, twice and during her third I filled her with semen. She collapsed onto my chest, grinning ear to ear, and we kissed. She whispered: "Thou art God, We are together the one God." She straightened out her body and legs along my body so as to maximize the points of contact, we rolled over sideways, she reached out and turned off the light, and I pulled the covers over us. (At one point in making love with Mary I was aware of a connection with Cindy. We both broke it off.)