E-Written Jack The Giant Killer

The place was huge. About a third of the floating island was the fortress on high ground. The fortress was shaped like a large octagon with a dome the size of a Walmart at each corner. Terraced gardens filled in the court yard and in the center was a massive grand building that looked almost like the Taj Mahal, with gleaming all white domes. The other two thirds of the island was a city below the fortress. The city was surrounded by a large stone wall. From the fortress, there was an arched aqueduct that led to the center of the town and then spilled water like a water fall into a large pool in the center of the town. On one side of the pool was a bath house in the old Greek style. Wind mills lined the walls of the city.

As Douglas and I stepped off the platform, we heard a voice call out over the intercom. "Leave or die."

"Oh, we cannot defeat you in battle great giants. Let's have a contest. We will give three false statements and one true statement and then you guess which statement is true." I said. "Then you give us give three false statements and one true statement and then we guess which statement is true. The winner gets this flying mountain, all the droids, everyone and everything else here."

"Do you droids agree to these terms?" I asked the droid nearest me.

"Oh, we cannot agree but must obey the masters of the fortress at all times." The droid replied.

"Okay, we agree to your terms but we will go first and the loser gets his head cut off and his body eaten." We heard someone call out, the voice was too close for comfort. "First statement, these two idiots are about to get killed and eaten."

The giants started singing, they were invisible. They could not have been more than 20 feet away. In retrospect, I maybe should not have decided to do this right after smoking all that weed. They were messing with us before killing us. They sang out:

"Fee-fi-fo-fum,

I smell the blood of an Earther man,

Be he alive, or be he dead

I'll grind his bones to make my bread."

Douglas clicked his shield belt and over two dozen copies of himself appeared. He sang out:

"Just trying to get it right

It's hard to see with so many around

You know I don't like being stuck in the crowd

And the streets don't change but maybe the names

I ain't got time for the game."

His shoulder mounted plasma bolter moved up into firing position. He fired into the water pipes running along the ceiling triggering the sprinkler system. The falling water bounced off the giants active camouflage system giving them away. Red and Blondie active camouflage was also compromised but before the giants could react, our wives had dropped snare sticks over the giants heads. The other ends of the ropes were tied to the heavy chains that raised and lowered gates that separated the landing docks from the rest of the fortress. Douglas hit the control button raising the gates, pulling the two giants off their feet and into the air. They screamed and started firing their own shoulder mounted plasma bolters wildly into the fake Douglas holographic projections while waving arm mounted blades in the air trying to cut the snare ropes.

The droid standing near us waved its arms around in robotic panic "Oh dear me!"

Blondie drew what Douglas had referred to as his 'sword of sharpness'. It was some sort of AI controlled murder Frisbee. She threw it and it cut the two giants heads clean off before floating back across the room into her hand.

I picked up one of the heads. Its mouth had four mandibles and two large fangs in the top jaw. Its mouth looked sort of like a nightmare pussy with teeth. It yellow eyes shot open and it spoke its dying words "You're one ugly mother fucker." Its glowing blood looked radioactive so I dropped the head, it seemed like the sort of thing I didn't want to get all over my hands.

"That's its true statement." Blondie said to the droid. "As you can see, I am a mom. And his wedding bracelet matches mine so we have clearly fucked at some point. He is definitely not some guy I was forced to marry half an hour ago as punishment for setting the town on fire and mocking local customs. So he is a mother fucker and we now own this place. Please free all the prisoners and get food ready. I have about 600 guests coming in half an hour for a minotaur orgy, so please get food and drink prepared for 600."

The droid standing near us waved its arms around in robotic panic again "Oh dear me!"

"Have their weapons taken back to the armory, put their heads on spikes on the wall, and then cook these two giants as a main course." Blondie commanded. "Please take us to the room with the Duke's daughters please."

We entered a great hall. I gasped at the splendor. It was something I would have expected to see from the British Monarchy in the era when the UK ruled half the world. Then I gasped again. There were trophy heads lining the walls and stuffed prey that had been hunted. I would not have been okay with this if it had been lions or something they had stuffed, but what they had been hunting was people, powerful aliens, minotaurs, and other giants.

Two giants were in the room. One tending a slew pot over a fire and the other was napping in a chair. Blondie threw the AI controlled murder disk. The giant leaped back and it cut the giant's nose off.

Red and Douglas fired plasma bolts into the napping giant, blowing him apart.

I stood in the door way and fired my shoulder mounted plasma bolter. I had never used one before. It was like the first time playing a first person shooter. I fired into the ground, tried to move the aimer up and fired another two shots straight into the air.

The noseless giant was also firing wildly. The droid standing in front of me waved its arms around in robotic panic "Oh dear me!" I fired again, hitting our droid in the back. It screamed and flames started rocketing out its ass, setting my pubic hair on fire. I fired again, the bolt flew at my half-brother. Thankfully he had that energy sword from the wizard. The bolt bounced off the energy sword in his hand and hit one of the hostages, blowing her arm off.

The giant ran at me and fired again, hitting the droid, sending it flying into me, knocking us both to the ground. Douglas was in the center of the room. He threw his sword, hitting the giant in the back. It fell dead to the ground.

Three people hung by their hair from the rafters in front of a large table. On the table was the giants breakfast, large piles of sausage, eggs, and bacon. "They ate our husbands in front of us and made us starve when we would not join them. And I would still join them before I ever side with you, you treasonous bitch."

As Blondie walked up to the table she threw the murder disc and cut the three people down. They fell to the ground with a heavy thud. "Sit down and join us for breakfast, we need to have a little chat before you leave."

Douglas sat down at the table and started chowing down on the bacon. "That's human meat." I told him. "You're eating people."

"That would explain the Arbys after taste." He replied before taking another bite "I'm pretty sure 'You're eating people' is their official motto."

"I will kill you with my bare hand, like I did your sister. Do you know her last words?" The half staved woman said to Blondie with an evil smile, holding her bloody stump of an arm I had accidently blown off with her other hand. "They were..." and then the murder disc cut her head clean off before landing back in blondie's hand.

"Now I have guests coming in less than half an hour for a minotaur orgy." Blondie said sweetly between bites of the food from the table. "You're not invited. Anyway, I'm taking my dukedom back, I need my signet ring. Your parents, the fake duke and duchess, are as good as dead. Will you bend the knee and live?"

"I think this is some type of revenge thing." I told my half-brother in English. "I hope our wives are not ax crazy. We are eating this woman's husband. Also, I think these women were the daughters of the Duke the wizard told us about."

"It sure is revenge. I don't speak local, but I know that tone of voice. It does not matter if it is here or on Earth." Douglas said sadly. "Tell our wives to hold up on killing the other two, we could use them as bargaining chips if they are alive and it could cause a war if they are dead."

"You killed my sister, when father hears of this, you'll..." the other woman said a split second before Blondie threw the disc again cutting her in half at the waist.

"I like how you think." Blondie said in perfect English. "But a war is what I want to cause. Can I gift your griffin to my friend here?" She pointed to the last person.

"Sure." Douglas said "It appears our wife understands English. Good to know. Very Surprising."

Blondie kicked the half woman in the face a few times then cut her head off and threw it across the table to Douglas. He pulled out a pair of pliers and started pulling the gold teeth out. "When in Rome..."

She addressed the last hostage. "Eiddoel, Son of Ner, I love you like a brother, which is why you live. I want to take this severed head and give it to their father as a gift. We need you to help us find your cousin. We're also having a minotaur orgy in an hour, you're totally invited, we will gift you a griffin if you wish to join us. " She turned to the droid who had just managed to put its ass fire out "Take these bodies to the stew pot. My husbands and I will be pulling these bitch's heads out with the other heads when I have time. Bring us non-human meat, wine, weed, and pancakes. Bathe my husbands once they done eating, then keep them in the bath house." She handed Douglas his murder disk.

"What is your name?" I asked Blondie.

"Goreu fab Custennin, I am also known as God Is Gracious in my language. In yours, I believe the name is Jack." She gave Douglas and I a wave.

"So we are married to Jack the Giant slayer." I asked Douglas. "How messed up is that?"

"Here comes my cousin, Culhwch ap Kylidd, Son of the head of House Kylidd and heir to the throne of Snow Ash." Jack advised us in a whisper. To the new comers Jack said "Join us for breakfast oh brave warriors."

Seven armed warriors walked into the room. "You beat us here. Next time save some bad guys for us." Their leader said with a smile.

"How did you get here?" Jack jumped up and gave the man a big hug. "It's been too long."

"What you did with force, we had been trying to do with guile." Culhwch spoke "Introductions are in order. These are my warriors."

"I'm Kei Ceinfardqfog, also known as Kei Fork-beard." The taller than normal, fork bearded dwarf said, "I'm Seneschal of House Avalon. I once slay a sloar with an oar. These warriors are under my command."

The well-muscled dwarf said gruffly "Bedwyr, household knight of House Avalon." His one hand lay on his weapons belt, his other arm was a five foot long green colored tentacle.

"My uncle Bedwyr is too modest. He is known as the battle diamond, he is the best lance fighter ever to live, he once killed ten men in battle. I am Gwalchmei of the Golden-Tongue for my negotiating skills, and am a household knight of House Avalon." The twitchy eyed dwarf woman explained. "I like knives and am the best exo-suit rider in all of House Avalon. I once out ran a griffin."

The heavily pregnant drunk woman spoke next, "I'm Gwrhyr the Interpreter, I can talk to birds and cats, I'm a household knight of House Avalon, Countess of..."

"Not any more you ain't, bitch!" Red threw the marriage bracelets at Gwrhyr's feet. "Your force-marriage to Count Creiddylad was ended an hour ago. And the next time you kidnap my lover and force a marriage bracelet onto his wrist you can expect my boot up your dumb cunt."

"My fucking baby was going to be a high lord of..." The preggo screamed, her tail bristled in anger.

"I guess the baby will be born a bastard, just like it dumb drunk mother was." Red loudly talked over her. The two women grabbed each other and started wrestling, before tripping over the body of one of the executed hostages.

I jumped to my feet to break up the fight but noticed everyone else was ignoring them. "I take it they have met before?"

"Aye. Their cousins and spoiled brats. They were raised together, they have fought like this over toys since they were two and boys since they were twelve. I'm Cynddylig, the tracker. I once found a man from two miles away, using only my nose to smell him." The man explained, "I've known them since they were born and their mothers before them since their mothers were born. You've married well, but you've married a wild cat."

"I'm Menw, son of Teirgwaedd. I'm a magic-user and learned to shape shift into a flock of ravens from none other than King Uthyr Pendragon. I'm a household knight of House Avalon as well." Menw fab Teirgwaedd advised scholarly. "I like to poisoned my weapons and enemies. I once turned into two flocks of ravens."

"I'm Culhwch ap Kylidd, Son of the head of House Kylidd. I'm on a quest to end a curse. A few years back, I was to marry my step-sister. I refused, so my evil step mother cursed me to be a virgin till I marry Olwen, the daughter of evil giant Duke Ysbaddaden Bencawr. The evil giant will never allow this marriage because of a prophecy that he will die on his daughter's wedding night so he sent me on an impossible quest to get a razor to shave his balls from an unkillable were-boar. Long story short, House Avalon sent me a bunch of people with super powers because their ruler and I are tight. Also, everyone hates Ysbaddaden Bencawr. I once shot five bulls eyes in a row in high wind, killing five armored knights with arrows through their eye slits." The gimpy looking guy said. "I got my droids to sing in chorus, join my quest and we will add your names."

He clapped his hand and a group of droids rushed in singing.

The droids sang out, their shrill mechanical voices echoing off the walls of the trophy hall.

"The landscape reverberates like water at its call.

Plunging steeds leap forth bearing fair Kei tree tall,

Bedwyr swinging the spear of nine blows,

Gwalchmei hawk eyed screeching,

Gwrhyr each language speaking,

Cynddylig guide, Menw the enchanter,

And Eiddoel son of slaughter."

"I'm Douglas Danger Douglas, Thane of Earth. A human-cecaelia chimera, who can shape shift into a kraken." My half-brother said flexing his muscles. "I once killed the band of giants called the Brothers Three, those three headed giants who could be harmed by no weapon, by ripping one of their heads off and beating the rest of them to death with it. These warriors are under my command."

"I'm Arlo the racist, the tailless Earth human...um, necromancer, cheese monger...I..um..I once got busy in a burger king bathroom." I shrugged.

A large black colored minotaur took off its invisibly cloak. "I'm Black Yvian, knight of the lion. I once got defeated by an evil giant, it was fucking me after and had a fatal heart attack, so I technically won. Also, I once went mad with grief and lives naked in the woods, with a lion as my husband, this after I killed a knight and married her husband."

I had no idea who this minotaur was or where it came from but it seemed to know my brother.

"Eiddoel, Son of Ner the knight slayer!" The furious looking bald man said, he was of medium height and build. He pointed to his arm "This arm has been ripped off completely, and then re-attached with this fucking arm!" He pointed to his other arm. "I once watched the woman I love get thrown from a pterodactyl, then hit by another pterodactyl mid-air! I fought a minotaur, while in the belly of a sloar, while I was on fire, not my armor, I was on fire!"

"I'm Goreu fab Custennin, heir to the fallen great House Bencawr. I'm on a quest to kill my uncle Ysbaddaden Bencawr, take revenge on him and his family for their killing of my twenty-three brothers, sisters, and clone. And win back my dukedom, which was rightfully owned by my parents until taken by the cruel Ysbaddaden. I once invited all my enemies to attend the funeral of my murdered brother, I locked the doors so none could escape, then I burned the church down with all my mourner-enemies trapped inside. Join me and I will spare his daughter Olwen so that you may marry her and lose your virgin curse."

Douglas had finished eating the dead giants murder victims/food and started a monologue in English. "Jack the Giant slayer was always a messed up series of tales. He hung out with King Arthur's idiot son. His stories were full of major plot holes. He once tricked a giant into hiding in a hole telling the giant some guys were looking to kill him, in return the giant gave him a robe of invisibility and a hat that let him see the future. If the giant had those, why and how was Jack able to trick the giant. If he has an invisibility cloak why does Jack need to hide him."

I watched my red-headed wife and Gwrhyr continue to fight each other. Gwrhyr screamed at my wife "You crazy bitch, your plan didn't even make sense. You cannot just pull men from trees and marry them. Men aren't fruit. I'm confused, anyone hearing about what you did this morning would be."

"If you are going to started a monologue I need to get even more fucked up. I am coming down off my high. Where are my clothes?" I asked Douglas as he handed me a pouch of weed out of his saddle bag.

"You have been naked for about an hour, since you shit yourself when talking to that ghost face woman, right before we got married." Douglas said as he threw a severed head to me. "Here, use this cut off head as a bong."

"Well, it worked. I have two husbands to your none." My red-headed wife howled back at Gwrhyr, she had the drunk preggo in a headlock. Gwrhyr tried biting my wife's tail. "I'll pluck my man meat from a tree. At least I'm getting dick."

"I feel like God had some rough draft of reality where we were suppose to marry those headless women after killing our now wives, who were the giants in the rough draft. It's like God had some funny revenge Christmas story going, he couldn't get a funny revenge Christmas story to work so changed it up. It's like he cut it out, then re-added it back as a whole new story." I zoned out a little as the weed hit me, I was still wasted from this morning.

"On a scale of 1 to 5, I would have given that version of reality a 3, I would give this version of reality a 5. Anyone learning of our deeds today should. You would have to have some seriously bad mojo not to like how things are working out right now." Douglas continued his monologue. "The King Arthur tales were full of plot holes and stuff that did not age well. He got Excalibur out of the stone but he also got Excalibur from the lady in the lake. Then, in one of the oldest versions, Excalibur breaks while he is fighting some guy in a river. He drowns the dude, takes his sword, which becomes Excalibur. Plus, he mostly used magic dagger and spear called Rhongomyniad, not a sword at all. Everyone thinks he is a great guy, but he orders the deaths of all the babies in the kingdom after he finds out the baby he had with his half-sister is fated to be his downfall."

"It is not just the incest and baby murder that didn't age well. Take the Celtic mythology that became the King Arthur tales. Morgan 'le Fay' was first known as Morgan the fairy, she had healing powers, could shape-shift, and fly. Merlin on the other hand was the son of a demon, he had all these 12 year old girls as apprentices, who paid for the apprenticeships with sex. How messed up is that?" Douglas continued as he was walking around the room, looking at all the dead stuffed humans and minotaurs. He was picking up some swords and other objects which I assume were the weapons used to kill those poor people. "Then again, I just ate some murder victims as some other people were murdered in front of me, so maybe I shouldn't judge. And I am watching my wife and her cousin drunkenly stick their tails up each others asses as a group of people look on." Douglas finally stopped talking, too busy watching Gwrhyr and Red ass fuck each other on the ground as everyone sat at the table eating the rest of them pointedly ignoring the two women.