Each & Every Corner Ch. 01: Trauma

The sound had been gradually inlaid with an irregular anti-motif, picked out by occasional gaps. Carefully placed silences cut between the notes. Propagating through the counterflowing layers of the rhythm, as they'd built right up and broken back down, over and over again. Eventually a series of absences had formed, torn like holes all the way through the tune. Ready to be filled by the compressed and reprocessed vocal line they hadn't even known they'd been waiting for.

And when at last the song had peaked, the alien voice shouted out its bleak nihilistic chorus, starkly at odds with the uplifting pulse of the music- 'Turns out you never existed at all, turns out you never existed at all...'

...and the club went crazy.

At the time it had felt fantastic. Like snowboarding down the face of the apocalypse, sharing the moment and laughing in the face of every possible disaster as they went.

Somehow it didn't seem quite so funny now though, and she couldn't get it out of her fucking head no matter how hard she tried. Around and around and around it went. Turns out you never existed at all...

She had noticed, after a while, that she was crying and that it was inexplicably the afternoon already. So she'd gone to see Sarah because she knew Sarah didn't work on Mondays and she didn't want to stay at home any more. And more than anything else because base instinct was the last shred of rationality she had left to hang on to; and it was screaming its insistence that this was the best thing she could be doing right now.

*****

When Sarah heard the key in the door she looked up from her book, glancing across at Lizzie to make sure she hadn't been disturbed by the sound. Lizzie had fallen asleep a couple of hours ago, nestled on the sofa after they had run out of things to talk about. Toward the end they had turned to practicalities.

"What do you want to happen next?"

Lizzie had considered her words carefully before answering which was a good sign Sarah thought. It would have been all too easy for her to have just taken the opportunity to lash out in her unhappiness, but instead she had taken the question seriously and given it a proper reply.

"Well I can't go back, so I'll need to find somewhere else to live. And I suppose I'll have to start by telling Amy it's over."

"And you're absolutely sure about this. That there's no fixing it."

Again Lizzie gathered her thoughts. It sounded like a simple enough question but there was more to it than there seemed.

"No I don't think so. I don't think there's really anything there to be fixed. Maybe you had to be there Sarah but the message was fairly clear."

So Lizzie had accepted the offer of their spare room for a while, and Sarah had cleared out the mishmash of clothes, sports equipment, and other odds and ends which had been piling up in there, and she'd made up the bed. While she was doing that Lizzie had fixed them another round of tea. Then they'd returned to the sofa and laid back together.

Sarah had put some daytime television on in the background - an earnest couple approaching retirement age were being shown around some houses which they supposedly might want to buy, but which neither of them actually liked. It didn't really matter what was on - it wasn't there to be watched. It was only something to help fill Lizzie's head and stop her having to think so much. Eventually it had done its job - she had drifted off and Sarah had held her for a while as she snored.

Once she was deeply asleep Sarah had carefully extracted herself, and even in spite of her best attempts not to disturb her, the sleeping woman had muttered greedy noises of protest as she did so. Sarah placed a blanket over Lizzie to make sure she stayed cosy before turning the TV down to a quiet murmur. Then she had returned to her chair in the corner, tucked her legs under her like a cat, and settled down to read while keeping her watch over her sleeping charge.

*****

And now Sarah put her book aside and stood. Walking out into the hallway she met Ray in the corridor. She opened her mouth as she leant up to her much taller wife, snaking arms tight around her shoulders to draw her down and pull her close. Ray happily allowed herself to be forced into position and they kissed long and deep, tongues squirming languorously around each other. Lip slipping so evocatively across exquisitely slippery wet lip that Sarah's senses lit up, broadcasting vivid memories of more intimate pleasures, almost managing to convince her that she could taste rich sour juices flooding her mouth.

From deep in her throat she growled her pleasure into Ray as the nerves across her body became super sensitive where the two of them were pressed together. Shouting their insistence that the most important thing in the world was happening, right now, right here. They stood, almost motionless, while detonations of bliss made both of them tremble with desire.

If they'd been alone in the flat Sarah would already have wrestled Ray to the floor right where they were and be tearing feverishly at her clothes. She'd have her pinned down on the carpet and be stripping off her shirt to reveal the small sensitive breasts which she knew so well, with their tight hard nipples. Sucking them one after the other into her mouth, torturing them with nips of her teeth and lightning flickers of her tongue until Ray gasped and yelped. Then she'd be frantically rummaging between them, unbuckling the belt, popping the buttons, and slipping her hands into Ray's jeans - to pull underwear aside and slide eager fingers into her ultimate goal.

Instead though she forced herself to stand back and she caught her breath.

"Lizzie's asleep in the living room. If she wants to talk about it she will. Don't pry though ok, she's a bit messed up about the whole thing. I'll fill in the gaps for you when I get back but I've got to go out and deal with something first."

Ray nodded, "I'll cook straight away then. The smell or the noise will wake her up and she should probably eat."

"Sounds like a good idea. Save me some food to have later but don't wait for me. I could be a while."

Nearly an hour later Sarah was ringing a doorbell. In fact she was only about three miles away from where she'd started but she'd had to head north into town, change trains at one of the transport hubs, and then travel a few stops back south again to reach her destination. She'd never been here before but had managed to wheedle the address out of a slightly reluctant Lizzie while they had been talking in the afternoon.

And all that had brought her here, to the doorway of another flat. This one was on the lower ground floor of what had once been a grand old Victorian townhouse, and in what was these days a far less fashionable area of south east London. The former servants' quarters had been converted into a little gloomy one bedroom place, which the ancient architecture would assure remained cold and damp even in the height of summer. It was hard to get somewhere nice and affordable this close to the centre of town so most people had to settle for one or the other.

Almost before the echo of the bell had died away the door was flung back and Amy appeared. The hope, which had briefly lit her face, was quickly replaced by confusion then disappointment. Sarah looked in at her sadly. She'd been working her way through a few of the different ways this conversation might play out and realised that at least this was probably not going to be quite as unpleasant as some of the scenarios she'd been considering.

"Hello Amy."

"Sarah, what are you doing here. I can't find Lizzie. She's not answering her phone. I think it must be switched off. She never turns her phone off. For fuck's sake nobody ever turns their bloody phone off."

Stress was further broadening her already strong Australian accent, making her voice sound even more plaintive to English ears. She talked Sarah through some of the rationalisations she had been making up to explain Lizzie's absence. She repeated herself quite a lot. Sarah just stood there and waited for her to finish speaking.

As her voice finally petered out Amy began to take on a more wary look. Somewhere in the back of her mind it was starting to sink in that Sarah's unexpected appearance had to be related to what she was already dealing with.

"Do you mind if I come in Amy. We need to talk."

Amy took in the words and Sarah's manner. She visibly sagged as the pieces fell into place. "Oh shit, she's gone hasn't she."

Sarah looked back at her, well at least she wasn't going to have to explain that bit, and deal with the anger and the denial, and whatever the other steps were. She could never remember those.

"I'm sorry Amy, but yes, she has. We should have this conversation inside though don't you think. Not out here on the street."

Sarah refused tea for a couple of reasons. To an extent she didn't want to start any kind of barter system of reciprocated trades and favours with Amy and accidentally find she'd put herself under some small debt of obligation. But mainly it was just because she'd had a cup on the go for most of the afternoon. So she was already well hydrated and she really didn't need any more pressure on her bladder right now. They sat on opposite sides of the table in the lounge. Neither of them had wanted the false informality of sharing the soft furnishings.

"The thing is Amy," Sarah began, "you've always been a bit of a tourist here haven't you. Taking in the sights, having some fun, playing about. But you were always going to go home in the end.

"And that's all very well, there's nothing wrong with that as far as it goes. But one of the rules of being a responsible tourist Amy, is that you don't let your visit mess things up for the natives. Because, and I'll be very specific here, after you've gone swanning off back to your old life, Lizzie's still got to live here."

Amy was quite taken aback by the direction this was taking. She'd been hoping, if she was lucky, some advice on how she could patch things up Trying to be more realistic though she'd still imagined Sarah might serve her up a selection of sympathetic platitudes to help sooth her through her loss. She'd only spent time with Sarah in fairly safe social situations up to now, where the conversation could be kept to comfortable topics and even if it did dip into choppier waters it was all kept safely abstracted, at a distance from their own lives. They'd exchanged the inevitable chit chat about this and that in the pub, played their first few levels of 'how you doing' together, bitched about the state of the health service, that sort of thing.

Based on all this as evidence she'd largely pigeonholed Sarah as pleasant enough company with not a great deal to say. So she'd tended to spend a lot more of their evenings as a group talking sport with Ray. Tonight though was a disorienting glimpse of Sarah working on the front line, in combat mode, and it was a revelatory and unwelcome change of pace.

"She could always come back to Melbourne with me," she tried experimentally. "You know, if things were still going well by then."

Sarah sighed, "Amy let's not pretend we don't know what I'm talking about shall we? Because this is going to be a lot easier if we have the luxury of discussing it indirectly. Because then maybe, if we're really lucky, neither of us will end up having to say anything we can't forgive."

Amy quickly backed off and signalled her surrender. Sarah went on.

"So now we understand each other, no, Lizzie can't go where you are going. She's like me and Ray, she lives here. And Amy, she was always going to get hurt when the end came for the two of you, because what you had between you, it didn't mean the same to her as it did to you. I've seen where your eye goes wandering and who it's been landing on when we're out for the night, but Lizzie's an innocent hopeful sweetheart and she really thought she could keep you forever."

Sarah's voice took on a weary tone. "And for fuck's sake Amy, I really wish you'd found another way of breaking her heart for her, because she's in pieces right now and she doesn't deserve any of this. Seriously, I thought a damn sight better of you."

It took a while for Amy to absorb what she was hearing. She was by no means stupid, but neither she nor Lizzie had been much prone to introspection recently. Neither of them had really even put a lot of thought into what they had wanted in the long term themselves, let alone what the other might have been looking for. They'd both fallen into the habit of assuming things would work out ok in the end and hadn't considered that there might, when it came down to it, turn out to be no common ground between them. Laid out in front of her like this though there was no missing the inevitability.

To be completely fair on Amy, Lizzie had been more or less equally complicit in this at least. They'd each played their own part in circling around the issue and letting themselves believe it didn't need addressing. Amy assessed her position though and decided on balance that she really didn't fancy her chances fighting for that point. Not against the barely contained elemental force of retribution sitting serenely across the table from her. Instead she nodded her acceptance.

"Yeah ok I fucked that up. I guess I always knew deep down that Lizzie thought it was something different from what I did. But it was only when she started talking about kids that I realised exactly how different you know. And we'd had a few drinks, and I tried to say something and it didn't come out like I meant it to."

She rocked her chair back on its rear legs. "I don't suppose an apology would help."

"I shouldn't think so, I mean what are you going to say. It's out now, and it's not as if you're going to change your mind, is it. I suppose you could lie to her, that might do the trick for a bit and let you string things out for another few months. But back in the real world we'll pick up her things tomorrow while you're out at work."

"I'll lose the flat you know. It's in my name but there's no way I'll be able to afford it without Lizzie to help with the rent. So it'll be back to a room in some doss house on the Caledonian Road sharing with half a dozen other Aussies again I suppose. Maybe a Kiwi or two."

Sarah stared, incredulous that this was the gem Amy had decided was the most important thing she had to say.

"That really isn't a huge priority for me right now I'm afraid Amy. I'm sure you'll cope, but as it turns out our spare room is already taken."

Amy flinched at this latest casual swipe. She wondered briefly if it had been an accident of speech but no, of course it hadn't. Sarah stood up, barely taking the time to register the impact her words were having on the other woman. "I think we're done here aren't we. And in any case I've got to get back - school night."

"Just, tell her I'm sorry anyway, please Sarah. And if there's anything I can do..."

Sarah did feel a measure of genuine sympathy then. Amy had been clumsy and thoughtless, and she'd not shown herself in the best light by a long way, but she'd not been fundamentally malicious. It could have been worse. She spoke again while she was putting her coat back on.

"Amy I'm sorry, I really am, but the best thing you can do right now is keep your distance. It'll help her to make a clean break of it which is what she's really going to need."

She stopped at the door, and considered leaving it there, but felt moved to add one final thing.

"And I doubt you want my advice right now but I'll give it to you anyway - go back home if it's where you want to be. Or at least have the decency to find someone who understands they're having a fling with a tourist next time."

*****

The rain started coming down hard while she was on the train on the way home, beating against the window beside her. She'd only worn a light summer coat and even the short hurried walk from the station to the flat left her wet through. As she came in she could smell tomato, garlic and oregano in the air and hear the dual murmurs of sports commentary and conversation from the living room.

"And this is going to go on for another two days," came Lizzie's incredulous voice. "But you're saying you already know it's going to be a draw?"

Laughter from Ray, "Well the rain is going to mean they won't get much play in tomorrow. And after that three sessions doesn't give them enough time to finish it really. Anything could happen in theory I suppose, but basically yes, nobody's going to get a win from here."

"So, what's the point then."

Sarah smiled and went to change into something dry, then to serve herself up some food. She could picture the nonplussed look on Ray's face in response to that last question as clearly as if she had been in the room to see it. Test cricket remained endemic and virulent in rural Somerset and Ray had picked up a nasty case, probably from her cousins. Despite her best endeavours though she'd failed to pass it on to Sarah and by the sounds of it she wasn't going to make any headway with Lizzie either. She took her lasagne and went in to join them.

Perching forward on an armchair, and putting her plate down on a magazine on the coffee table in front of her, Sarah looked up into the pair of expectant stares from over on the sofa.

She gazed back at the two of them reflectively, scanning across both faces for clues. She didn't know how the conversation had gone in her absence and she couldn't read Ray in quite the same way she could most people. Lizzie caught her eye though and understanding Sarah's hesitation answered the unspoken question.

"We talked while you were out," she said. "How's Amy?"

Sarah chewed on a forkful of her food while she decided how much she was going to say. It was good, rich and herbal. The acidity from the tomato cutting through the fat. The bass notes from the wild mushroom, the cheese, and the beef making it wholesome and savoury.

"She's ok. A bit shellshocked I think but that's not a huge surprise. She knows she messed up and she wanted me to tell you she was sorry. But she also knows enough to see that there's no future in trying to mend it. I said we'd deal with clearing your stuff out tomorrow. You ok to take some emergency time off work Ray? I'm booked up all day. Sorry I kind of assumed."

Ray shrugged, "Yes, shouldn't be a problem. I'll email my manager now and let him know. He owes me a favour or two for the off site visit he's roped me into next month, so I'll only be cashing in my reward in advance."

Ray edged over closer to Lizzie and put an arm supportively around her. She slapped her firmly on one shoulder blade with the palm of her hand making her jump. "Don't worry, we'll get you sorted out. I can hire a van for the day and I'm useful for carrying things around as well."

*****

The next day Ray started her morning by walking down to the local car hire yard next to the station and came back driving a Transit van. Stopping off at a supermarket on the way she'd picked up something for their breakfasts, and more importantly collected a load of empty cardboard boxes while she was there. Sarah was long gone in to work by then so that left the two of them to eat at the kitchen table. Nine thirty found them munching on sweet pastries and sipping fresh coffee before they drove over to pack up Lizzie's things and bring them back.

When they got to the flat and Lizzie had let them in she took a good look around and realised how shabby everything seemed. The aging paintwork and the cracked linoleum, which had made the place feel so daringly bohemian and endearingly ramshackle in better days, only made it look rundown now. She was a little embarrassed as she watched Ray taking it all in.

"You've got a lot of room here for zone three," Ray said. "I can see why you decided to take it. Our flat is much more modern but it's a lot smaller as well, and I miss having nice big rooms like these. Space wasn't an issue when I was growing up, I always lived in big houses before, so moving to London was a bit of a reality check."